Posting anon because i know people on here. And im so so sorry for the long post, didn't know it'd be this bloody long!! I guess i just needed to write this somewhere, dont know what im hoping for but i needed to let it out.
First, a little about me:
I'm 17 (i know majority of you will say 'oh youre young, you havent lived yet, dont worry about this sorta stuff, have funnnn!' - but first hear me out).
I am quite pretty, not being stuck up, but im above average according to everyone ive come across, i've always been complimented at least twice a day whether it be from someone i know or even a stranger (haha i bet ive jinxed it now lol).
I'm a very nice person. I've never bullied anyone, never been nasty or b*tched about anyone - it's not my thing. Whats the point talking bad about someone behind their back if you dont like them, either say it to their face in a civil manner (im not the 'in your face' type of girl btw, just really straight forward) or leave it. Forget and move on. Focus on what's actually important besides drama.
So, im just gonna get to the point instead of telling you my entire life story. I experienced a death of someone close to me and ever since i've changed. Of course a life event like that will change a person but i feel like the changes ive undergone arent normal. I had my first bf and we had many problems, they were both parties' fault (my depression, and his ignorance). Lasted just under two years, with the last year being incredibly sour. Did absolutely nothing sexual, just kissed (not even tongue!!!)
After him I believe i went completely off the rails. I had given oral sex, retrieved oral sex and been fingered by this guy. Later me and this guy went out, he began to emotionally like me but i used him for my sexual needs. It's horrible that i used him, totally not like me but hey, we learn something knew about ourselves everyday. I broke up with him when i realised what i was doing was wrong. But we still meet up today to have casual fun (no penis in vagina sex).
However, i didnt learn, i went around sexting random guys, meeting up with like two and i had dry sex with one, and i gave oral to the other.
Now, after this i thought 'thats it, enough of guys, focus on myself'. But then i went and got myself emotionally attached to this other guy. Things were looking good but somehow i messed it up, as usual. We stopped talking (he ignored me). I think he got the impression i was a slut. Dont blame him in all honesty.
Now it has been a year i havent spoken to a guy like that, emotionally nor sexually. But recently ive been having really bad sexual cravings. I miss being fingered (sorry for being graphic), i miss being held close to someone knowing that for that time someone has given me time and has put effort in in being there and making me feel so happy.
I do want sex. Just like the rest of us. But i feel if i do go and lose my virginity, then i'll become a slut again, and i wont be able to control it. I'll be going to uni starting in 2015 so i have a year till total freedom! But if i have sex now with someone, what if i'll be having casual sex everyday at uni? Knowing me and my high sex drive i'll be having sex everyday, for sure.
Is there any way of controlling this? I do want a bf right now, someone im not only sexually attracted to but emotionally. No one ever likes me though, or well i think they dont, they either want me for my looks or talk to me for time pass.
Again, i dont know what im hoping to gain outta writing this post. I guess i feel guilty for wanting male attention.
... and the ones that won't