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Why do I find this traumatic? Anyone into psychology please answer Watch

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    Just need to get something that has been eating me for a while but which I've ignored.

    OK, so I got off at Manchester bus station at like 3.00am coming back from London and walked through the gay village on my way home. This guy stopped me as I walked and told me how 'beautiful' I was and how I was the 'perfect boy' for him. He didn't appear under the influence of alcohol although it was all a little fuzzy.

    So he offered if I go back to his place for a 'cup of tea' and I said 'yes' as I was a little lonely. He was kind and offered his jacket to me as it was a little cold and then put his arms around me and snuggle-walked.

    I went to his flat. He appeared well off and lived in central Manchester.
    Then I asked him for the 'cup of tea' which he promised and he said that he 'ran out'. I got a little peeved. He then took off my hat and started stroking my hair. He said I had a 'beautiful nose' and that my beauty was 'rare' (he guesstimated 1/1000). I was so so flattered as I thought I was at best average looking but he actually made me believe him, even though at the back of my mind knew that he was almost certainly lying.
    Anyway, he started saying I had a 'beautiful nose' and asked me if I got rhinoplasty - I didn't even know what that was but he said that he was surprised. He then revealed himself as an anthropologist.

    Afterwards I guess that I was quite horny and ended up in his bed. I wanted to play with his bits and bobs but he wouldn't let me look at it! He just kept stroking and 'eating out' with me masturbating him until he came under the sheets.
    Right, then I went home.

    I met him a few days after in Manchester centre and he said that I was 'beautiful' to his friend. I ended the conversation quickly and that was all.

    It makes me really angry and I feel traumatised in my heart when I think about this though, even if it may sound 'harmless'.

    Why? I want closure

    Thanks TSR
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    Well, in my opinion this is due to evolutionary differences between men and women regarding sexual relations. Sex and its associated investment (i.e. a child) costs little for males in an evolutionary sense - they have sex, and can choose have zero investment afterwards, moving on to another partner. Evolution has created this agenda in males for one simple reason - to continue their genes in the next generation, and so everything (biologically and psychologically) has evolved to meet this aim. Than can create millions of sperm at very little cost increasing the chances of a successful fertilization, while psychologically, they typically feel little regret afterwards, unless some complication arises that harms their reproductive capability (e.g. STI/STD).

    Women on the other hand experience much higher costs associated with sex. This is primarily to do with the significant investment involved after sex, which males obviously don't have to cope with. This is namely the 9 months of pregnancy, the birth, and then the many years afterwards of nurture and parental investment until the offspring becomes self-sufficient. Just like males, a females' biology has evolved to meet the needs of their role in parental investment. For example, females have wider hips than males to facilitate birth, they have larger breasts so as to feed the child, and the fact that females produce one egg every month means that a sexual encounter must be right, while men can just have another go the next day. Psychologically, women are much more involved with their offspring well-being mentally, and so have a closer connection which helps in their parental investment which is typically much more involved than males. In addition, female psychologically has evolved to feel regret (which I believe is what you are experiencing), perhaps guilt (regarding infidelity, which from an evolutionary perspective is much more common in males than females due to the different levels of costs and investment between the two sexes), anger (with yourself and perhaps him) and other negative emotions so as to condition and reinforce the idea that casual sex (instead of meaningful sex in a committed and invested relationship) is bad and leads to negative consequences (both psychologically and realistically (e.g. it can lead to increased investment on your behalf if he is unwilling to invest in the child himself, a typical consequence of casual sex, and possible reputational damage).

    So, you are in fact completely right to feel rubbish about yourself, because casual sex, while enjoyable, is not harmless afterwards, particularly for the female, who experiences a much higher degree of difficulty and costs due to the rash and ill-considered investment. For females, casual sex doesn't usually result in regret on the level you are feeling because they usually get to know the male at least a little bit, while it sounds like you met the guy only superficially and so are experiencing those negative post-sex feelings twice as bad as normal. I hope this has helped you understand and find closure with feelings you are experiencing, and shed light on the evolutionary theory of parental investment and casual sex, particularly the differing costs males and females experience. Feel free to ask anymore questions, thanks.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just need to get something that has been eating me for a while but which I've ignored.

    OK, so I got off at Manchester bus station at like 3.00am coming back from London and walked through the gay village on my way home. This guy stopped me as I walked and told me how 'beautiful' I was and how I was the 'perfect boy' for him. He didn't appear under the influence of alcohol although it was all a little fuzzy.

    So he offered if I go back to his place for a 'cup of tea' and I said 'yes' as I was a little lonely. He was kind and offered his jacket to me as it was a little cold and then put his arms around me and snuggle-walked.

    I went to his flat. He appeared well off and lived in central Manchester.
    Then I asked him for the 'cup of tea' which he promised and he said that he 'ran out'. I got a little peeved. He then took off my hat and started stroking my hair. He said I had a 'beautiful nose' and that my beauty was 'rare' (he guesstimated 1/1000). I was so so flattered as I thought I was at best average looking but he actually made me believe him, even though at the back of my mind knew that he was almost certainly lying.
    Anyway, he started saying I had a 'beautiful nose' and asked me if I got rhinoplasty - I didn't even know what that was but he said that he was surprised. He then revealed himself as an anthropologist.

    Afterwards I guess that I was quite horny and ended up in his bed. I wanted to play with his bits and bobs but he wouldn't let me look at it! He just kept stroking and 'eating out' with me masturbating him until he came under the sheets.
    Right, then I went home.

    I met him a few days after in Manchester centre and he said that I was 'beautiful' to his friend. I ended the conversation quickly and that was all.

    It makes me really angry and I feel traumatised in my heart when I think about this though, even if it may sound 'harmless'.

    Why? I want closure

    Thanks TSR

    I could not follow this at all. Are you gay for one thing?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by magnusthedog)
    Well, in my opinion this is due to evolutionary differences between men and women regarding sexual relations. Sex and its associated investment (i.e. a child) costs little for males in an evolutionary sense - they have sex, and can choose have zero investment afterwards, moving on to another partner. Evolution has created this agenda in males for one simple reason - to continue their genes in the next generation, and so everything (biologically and psychologically) has evolved to meet this aim. Than can create millions of sperm at very little cost increasing the chances of a successful fertilization, while psychologically, they typically feel little regret afterwards, unless some complication arises that harms their reproductive capability (e.g. STI/STD).

    Women on the other hand experience much higher costs associated with sex. This is primarily to do with the significant investment involved after sex, which males obviously don't have to cope with. This is namely the 9 months of pregnancy, the birth, and then the many years afterwards of nurture and parental investment until the offspring becomes self-sufficient. Just like males, a females' biology has evolved to meet the needs of their role in parental investment. For example, females have wider hips than males to facilitate birth, they have larger breasts so as to feed the child, and the fact that females produce one egg every month means that a sexual encounter must be right, while men can just have another go the next day. Psychologically, women are much more involved with their offspring well-being mentally, and so have a closer connection which helps in their parental investment which is typically much more involved than males. In addition, female psychologically has evolved to feel regret (which I believe is what you are experiencing), perhaps guilt (regarding infidelity, which from an evolutionary perspective is much more common in males than females due to the different levels of costs and investment between the two sexes), anger (with yourself and perhaps him) and other negative emotions so as to condition and reinforce the idea that casual sex (instead of meaningful sex in a committed and invested relationship) is bad and leads to negative consequences (both psychologically and realistically (e.g. it can lead to increased investment on your behalf if he is unwilling to invest in the child himself, a typical consequence of casual sex, and possible reputational damage).

    So, you are in fact completely right to feel rubbish about yourself, because casual sex, while enjoyable, is not harmless afterwards, particularly for the female, who experiences a much higher degree of difficulty and costs due to the rash and ill-considered investment. For females, casual sex doesn't usually result in regret on the level you are feeling because they usually get to know the male at least a little bit, while it sounds like you met the guy only superficially and so are experiencing those negative post-sex feelings twice as bad as normal. I hope this has helped you understand and find closure with feelings you are experiencing, and shed light on the evolutionary theory of parental investment and casual sex, particularly the differing costs males and females experience. Feel free to ask anymore questions, thanks.

    This does not make sense at all, sorry.
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    (Original post by magnusthedog)
    X
    *sneezes*
    Sorry, I'm allergic to bull****.

    Where did you come up with that lol?
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    wow its so easy for gay people
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    I'm a psychologist, it's called the evolutionary theory of parental investment, arguably one of the most grounded theories in psychology.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This does not make sense at all, sorry.
    Sorry about this, I completely misread the post, I assumed you were female haha, that's why it probably makes no sense. In that case it's quite simple, you probably feel rubbish because you're straight, or you're experiencing conflict in your sexual orientation.
 
 
 
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