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OCD, trashing relationships
I've suffered anorexia for 5 years, and being underweight has zapped my brain of nutrients, blah blah blah *doctors techno babble* so I also have obsessive compulsive disorder too. This makes me really rigid in everything I do, kinda like an autistic person - my routines are REALLY strict, I don't adapt well to even tiny changes in my daily life. I exercise compulsively to a) burn calories b) maintain health (obsessive about that too) c) block out unpleasant thoughts/memories from my abused past. What a sad old cliche.
Well, thing is - how the hell am i going to cope with Uni? I know I need to get out of my home town and break my old habits, but how can I become more flexible and learn to adapt, make new routines in Pompey but NOT get obsessive about these ones too? I used to be a very easy-going person (apparently) before I got ill at 16yrs...I used to have a lot of fun, tho I already displayed OCD habits even as a child. My nanna and dad also have these problems - never doing anything by halves, when getting into new routines finding it VERY hard to get out of them, when starting new hobbies needing to focus ENTIRELY on it and nothing else, etc. But the lower my weight got, the worse the OCD got (they're linked, neurologically.)
I really, really want to do this Eng lit course at Uni. Literature/creative writing have been my longest standing hobbies since I started reading in childhood. But I find it so hard to trust other people...I'm a perfectionist, I can't bear the thought of letting other people do something for me, coz i a) feel lazy b) don't trust them to do as good a job as me. Basically, I've got a really anachastic, obnoxious character and am really hard to get on with. So God alone knows how my poor flat mates will cope in Trust Hall.
I basically don't like myself, but don't have a high opinion of other people, either. I push myself too hard in everything I do - my exercise is always as hard as I can make it, my diet (tho high cal to try and gain weight) is religiously healthy and pretty much the same things everyday, I won't socialize in case I'm too tired the next day to exercise/repeat my daily routines. Really, I'm just a scared, paranoid, uptight, self-righteous cow who's so stuck in her own life and up her own ass that she won't make room for other people. I'm a selfish person, always have been, but its gotten so much worse since becoming anorexic. We are notoriously selfish, stubborn, self-righteous, perfectionistic people.
Well, that's me in a *large* nutshell. I just needed to get my fears off chest. How am I going to make friends at Uni? I'm terrified of people/emotions getting in the way of my routines/obsessions, so I'm a really lonely person. I crave friends, affection, fun, adventure. I'd love to have people hug me, but they're scared to coz (according to Mom) they're afraid they'll break me in two, coz I'm thin. I miss physical human contact. I miss emotional contact with people, ie friendship, boyfriends, etc. But I'm terrified of being stifled by them. In the end, it comes down to control - I'm a control freak, and I'm scared of others taking it away from me. This apparently stems from the repeated sexual abuse I've had since childhood = loss of physical control, so I make up for it by being obssessively rigid in every aspect of my life now. I really resent people taking control away from me, even the tiniest things - being held in queues, caught in crowds (unable to move) waiting for a machine in the gym, being coerced into eating something I don't want, being unable to clean my house when Moms in bed after a late shift at work.........see what I mean about selfish>?
Well, this overlong post really must end now. I feel a bit better for getting it all out, but the fears remain - how will I cope at Uni? People are going to hate me. They're really going to resent my domineering presence, my paranoias, my refusal to socialize coz I'm just interested in exercise/food. Thats just how I am. I'm real sorry for it, but I'm dead focused on my health. I won't change that aspect of me at all, for anyone. I know it means I'll be a lonely person, but I've always been a loner anyway, from childhood - much happier playing by myself, making up stories, than with other kids. Again, that was about control, in part = I got to decide what stories to tell to myself, what games to play, no one else.
So, apologies in advance to all the poor buggers who'll be living with me in Trust hall, ports - my heart goes out to you now.
Well, thing is - how the hell am i going to cope with Uni? I know I need to get out of my home town and break my old habits, but how can I become more flexible and learn to adapt, make new routines in Pompey but NOT get obsessive about these ones too? I used to be a very easy-going person (apparently) before I got ill at 16yrs...I used to have a lot of fun, tho I already displayed OCD habits even as a child. My nanna and dad also have these problems - never doing anything by halves, when getting into new routines finding it VERY hard to get out of them, when starting new hobbies needing to focus ENTIRELY on it and nothing else, etc. But the lower my weight got, the worse the OCD got (they're linked, neurologically.)
I really, really want to do this Eng lit course at Uni. Literature/creative writing have been my longest standing hobbies since I started reading in childhood. But I find it so hard to trust other people...I'm a perfectionist, I can't bear the thought of letting other people do something for me, coz i a) feel lazy b) don't trust them to do as good a job as me. Basically, I've got a really anachastic, obnoxious character and am really hard to get on with. So God alone knows how my poor flat mates will cope in Trust Hall.
I basically don't like myself, but don't have a high opinion of other people, either. I push myself too hard in everything I do - my exercise is always as hard as I can make it, my diet (tho high cal to try and gain weight) is religiously healthy and pretty much the same things everyday, I won't socialize in case I'm too tired the next day to exercise/repeat my daily routines. Really, I'm just a scared, paranoid, uptight, self-righteous cow who's so stuck in her own life and up her own ass that she won't make room for other people. I'm a selfish person, always have been, but its gotten so much worse since becoming anorexic. We are notoriously selfish, stubborn, self-righteous, perfectionistic people.
Well, that's me in a *large* nutshell. I just needed to get my fears off chest. How am I going to make friends at Uni? I'm terrified of people/emotions getting in the way of my routines/obsessions, so I'm a really lonely person. I crave friends, affection, fun, adventure. I'd love to have people hug me, but they're scared to coz (according to Mom) they're afraid they'll break me in two, coz I'm thin. I miss physical human contact. I miss emotional contact with people, ie friendship, boyfriends, etc. But I'm terrified of being stifled by them. In the end, it comes down to control - I'm a control freak, and I'm scared of others taking it away from me. This apparently stems from the repeated sexual abuse I've had since childhood = loss of physical control, so I make up for it by being obssessively rigid in every aspect of my life now. I really resent people taking control away from me, even the tiniest things - being held in queues, caught in crowds (unable to move) waiting for a machine in the gym, being coerced into eating something I don't want, being unable to clean my house when Moms in bed after a late shift at work.........see what I mean about selfish>?
Well, this overlong post really must end now. I feel a bit better for getting it all out, but the fears remain - how will I cope at Uni? People are going to hate me. They're really going to resent my domineering presence, my paranoias, my refusal to socialize coz I'm just interested in exercise/food. Thats just how I am. I'm real sorry for it, but I'm dead focused on my health. I won't change that aspect of me at all, for anyone. I know it means I'll be a lonely person, but I've always been a loner anyway, from childhood - much happier playing by myself, making up stories, than with other kids. Again, that was about control, in part = I got to decide what stories to tell to myself, what games to play, no one else.
So, apologies in advance to all the poor buggers who'll be living with me in Trust hall, ports - my heart goes out to you now.
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I think the best you can do is tell people at uni about your problems. I can imagine this would be difficult, since you'd be making yourself vulnrable and that's the last thing you want to do. But I'm not saying you walk up to a random person and go "Hi, I'm *your name* and I have OCD because of traumatic childhood experiences, what about you?" Only that once you get settled with your flatmates, you tell them that you have habits beyond your control, and that you're scared that this will make it impossible for you to get along with them. If you're honest about your insecurities from the start, it will make people more understanding.
There's always going to be a couple of cretins who refuse to understand, and quite frankly, they can go **** themselves. There will be plenty of others more than willing to give you a chance. And who knows; maybe you'll find someone who you can trust enough to talk about your problems and the causes behind them.
For the record, I don't think you have a horrible personality at all. You seem very thoughtful, intelligent, sensitive and ultimately fun-loving. Just because you have trouble expressing these aspects of your personality doesn't mean they're not there, or that you won't be able to express them when the right time comes.
Best of luck with uni! xxx Karen
There's always going to be a couple of cretins who refuse to understand, and quite frankly, they can go **** themselves. There will be plenty of others more than willing to give you a chance. And who knows; maybe you'll find someone who you can trust enough to talk about your problems and the causes behind them.
For the record, I don't think you have a horrible personality at all. You seem very thoughtful, intelligent, sensitive and ultimately fun-loving. Just because you have trouble expressing these aspects of your personality doesn't mean they're not there, or that you won't be able to express them when the right time comes.
Best of luck with uni! xxx Karen
I had exactly the same problem before I started uni- i had anorexia though managed to maintain a normal weight in sixth form but was still obsessed with eating healthily, and i had OCD aswell, was really strict with myself especially when it came to exercise,work, revision etc as you've said. I had my own routines when preparing food, meal times, etc that i was scared of breaking- i hated other people trying to take over control.
I've just finished my first year at uni, and was really worried about it for the same reasons as you. But the way I dealt with it was just asking myself do you want to carry on the way you are, miss out on so many amazing opportunities because your trapped in a cycle of endless routines that are in actual fact just making you miserable? or do you want to break out of the cycle and live your life to the full? At the end of the day you only live once- and you have to decide how you want to spend it... I told myself that when I started uni I'd give 'normal life' a full go, and if I didn't like it then i could always revert back to old ways... I ate in catered accomodation so I had absolutely no control over what was going into my food, how it had been prepared (i was dreading that the most), made lots of friends, got a boyfriend, went out with them, drank alcohol (something i hadn't done before as knew it wasn't 'healthy'), and just generally had fun. I am still doing that and have absolutely no desire to go back to my old 'routines'. I'll still go for healthy options over unhealthy (the majority of the time anyway!), and still go on the occassional run, but not to an obsessive extent.
i know its hard, but I found moving away from home helped alot, as you may do, because you're in a different environment so you can dissociate away from old routines and start afresh. It may also remove you from triggering factors. You have to force yourself to do things differently... try not to start up new 'routines' that you might get trapped in again. You have to be on the conscious look out, to prevent it. In your post it sounds like you know that the ocd is making you miserable, and want to stop it, so if you're not already then try seeing a therapist about it, and use your amazingly strong will power to fight the illness rather than letting it continue. Good luck with everything xxx
I've just finished my first year at uni, and was really worried about it for the same reasons as you. But the way I dealt with it was just asking myself do you want to carry on the way you are, miss out on so many amazing opportunities because your trapped in a cycle of endless routines that are in actual fact just making you miserable? or do you want to break out of the cycle and live your life to the full? At the end of the day you only live once- and you have to decide how you want to spend it... I told myself that when I started uni I'd give 'normal life' a full go, and if I didn't like it then i could always revert back to old ways... I ate in catered accomodation so I had absolutely no control over what was going into my food, how it had been prepared (i was dreading that the most), made lots of friends, got a boyfriend, went out with them, drank alcohol (something i hadn't done before as knew it wasn't 'healthy'), and just generally had fun. I am still doing that and have absolutely no desire to go back to my old 'routines'. I'll still go for healthy options over unhealthy (the majority of the time anyway!), and still go on the occassional run, but not to an obsessive extent.
i know its hard, but I found moving away from home helped alot, as you may do, because you're in a different environment so you can dissociate away from old routines and start afresh. It may also remove you from triggering factors. You have to force yourself to do things differently... try not to start up new 'routines' that you might get trapped in again. You have to be on the conscious look out, to prevent it. In your post it sounds like you know that the ocd is making you miserable, and want to stop it, so if you're not already then try seeing a therapist about it, and use your amazingly strong will power to fight the illness rather than letting it continue. Good luck with everything xxx
The fact that the timetable for your lectures changes for each semester might help because that would break your routine.
There is a bar for students in Langstone so that could be a starting point to socialise. You will know that it should only be students that are in there.
You may have to do group work within your degree, I have had to a few times already and I hate it as well. I have high expectations and high standards for my work but the people I get into groups seem to be happy with just a pass so I end up doing most the work. It's just how it's been. Group work will always be hard for most people. Especially when you are assessed as a group because someone will always be dragging someone down. But it's part of the degree and you have to get used to it.
You will be in a different place with different people that may help you to change and make your habits a little less strict. After a couple of weeks you will feel so close with the people you have met and like you know everything about them when you have only known them for a couple weeks. Most people are scared of not making friends so are more accepting (in my experience anyway)
There is a bar for students in Langstone so that could be a starting point to socialise. You will know that it should only be students that are in there.
You may have to do group work within your degree, I have had to a few times already and I hate it as well. I have high expectations and high standards for my work but the people I get into groups seem to be happy with just a pass so I end up doing most the work. It's just how it's been. Group work will always be hard for most people. Especially when you are assessed as a group because someone will always be dragging someone down. But it's part of the degree and you have to get used to it.
You will be in a different place with different people that may help you to change and make your habits a little less strict. After a couple of weeks you will feel so close with the people you have met and like you know everything about them when you have only known them for a couple weeks. Most people are scared of not making friends so are more accepting (in my experience anyway)
R1chyP
If you can't face going to Uni, you're screwed for later life.
No one gives a **** about you, you're not special, no one is special.
Ask yourself and you'll be fine. Don't be paranoid what you do, people will like you for your honesty.
No one gives a **** about you, you're not special, no one is special.
Ask yourself and you'll be fine. Don't be paranoid what you do, people will like you for your honesty.
Wise words there
There may be some truth in what you say but some tact might have been nice!
R1chyP
If you can't face going to Uni, you're screwed for later life.
No one gives a **** about you, you're not special, no one is special.
Ask yourself and you'll be fine. Don't be paranoid what you do, people will like you for your honesty.
No one gives a **** about you, you're not special, no one is special.
Ask yourself and you'll be fine. Don't be paranoid what you do, people will like you for your honesty.
You think she's not angry enough with herself for it already?
You got that right, and I seriously appreciate all the words everyone's said so far - from the advice to the verbal "kicks up the backside." It's exactly what I need. To the anonymous writer who was once anorexic - thank you so much for confiding that on here, it's a relief *cliched again* to find someone out there who can actually relate to what I'm saying and not just sympathize. At least I know, when you say what you've done to amend your life, that you're actually speaking from experience. That really helps, coz it shows I can do it too, it's not just a pipedream.
You're right - I am angry with myself for being this way. I hate who I am, but I'm trying desperately not to be a hypchondriac about it. I detest self-pity, and am prone to being callous with others who are, but most especially myself. Self-criticism is probably my biggest downfall, alongside stubborn rigidity!
That being said, I crave spontaneity/fun as much as the next person, and hope to God I can find at least some understanding people at Pompey who'll coax me out of myself...I don't want brow-beating, I don't want pathetic sympathies, coz I'll only rebel against the former and walk all over the latter, as has been the case with past therapists! I need firm, persuasive friendship, empathy and just...stability, y'know? People who can teach me to trust human beings in general again. As I was abused by a past "friend" and her b/f when I was 15, this is extremely hard work for me, trusting people. I want to make friends, get a b/f, but I'm terrified of them controlling me, or making me change into an unhealthy person if I follow their examples/get coerced into things. I don't smoke, don't drink or do drugs, as I said I'm a healthy eater and exercise a lot, not just coz its compulsive but for the sheer pleasure of pushing my body to its limits, testing its abilities. I get a real buzz from that. Can anyone else here relate? I don't like feeling so lonely anymore, it's really not conducive to great mental health!!
You're right - I am angry with myself for being this way. I hate who I am, but I'm trying desperately not to be a hypchondriac about it. I detest self-pity, and am prone to being callous with others who are, but most especially myself. Self-criticism is probably my biggest downfall, alongside stubborn rigidity!
That being said, I crave spontaneity/fun as much as the next person, and hope to God I can find at least some understanding people at Pompey who'll coax me out of myself...I don't want brow-beating, I don't want pathetic sympathies, coz I'll only rebel against the former and walk all over the latter, as has been the case with past therapists! I need firm, persuasive friendship, empathy and just...stability, y'know? People who can teach me to trust human beings in general again. As I was abused by a past "friend" and her b/f when I was 15, this is extremely hard work for me, trusting people. I want to make friends, get a b/f, but I'm terrified of them controlling me, or making me change into an unhealthy person if I follow their examples/get coerced into things. I don't smoke, don't drink or do drugs, as I said I'm a healthy eater and exercise a lot, not just coz its compulsive but for the sheer pleasure of pushing my body to its limits, testing its abilities. I get a real buzz from that. Can anyone else here relate? I don't like feeling so lonely anymore, it's really not conducive to great mental health!!
You're too insecure to trust yourself. And you're too paranoid to trust somebody else. And others don't understand you enough to be arsed dealing with you.
You've probably driven away every close friend you've ever had, and are paranoidn about letting somebody close enough to hurt either of you again.
You want to be in danger, take reckless risks, and hurt yourself; yet you don't.
You want to follow your own mind, yet fit in with others so you can have friends.
I doubt a kick up the arse will help. Nor will "awww poor little girl"
Edit: Do you self harm?
You've probably driven away every close friend you've ever had, and are paranoidn about letting somebody close enough to hurt either of you again.
You want to be in danger, take reckless risks, and hurt yourself; yet you don't.
You want to follow your own mind, yet fit in with others so you can have friends.
I doubt a kick up the arse will help. Nor will "awww poor little girl"
Edit: Do you self harm?
CeleniaGaia - Stop thinking about yourself. You've analysed yourself to the point that you need opinions from random people who you don't even know.
Have you ever lived away from home?
You say abuse? Define abuse? Half the people on here have been through **** in their life.
You seem to have spoilt child syndrome my friend.
That said, you're a pretty lass. Loosen up a bit.
Have you ever lived away from home?
You say abuse? Define abuse? Half the people on here have been through **** in their life.
You seem to have spoilt child syndrome my friend.
That said, you're a pretty lass. Loosen up a bit.
Samba - Your online analysis seems pretty accurate m'friend. You into psychology? You sounded rather like my therapist used to. I went thro a patch of selfharming when stuck on a general psychiatric ward (restricted exercise, no other outlet for my anxieties. Crass, I know.) Used to cut my upper arms with razor blades, how original.
R1chy - thanks for the "pretty lass" compliment, I'll let u know when i start believing it. Ur cutting but also accurate - I was a spoilt child, I led an extremely sheltered childhood with a very safe family unit. That got shot to **** when my folks divorced, that contributed to the illness (loss of control/safety, etc.) The abuse I referred to was of the sexual type, and has been repeated by various different people, both male and female, since i was 6years old (well, that's the earliest one i can recall.) Hence the reason I am very, very afraid of guys/anything sexual in general. Thats why i had to end it with my (very lovely) last b/f, my first sexual relationship - just got to close to the quick, as it were
R1chy - thanks for the "pretty lass" compliment, I'll let u know when i start believing it. Ur cutting but also accurate - I was a spoilt child, I led an extremely sheltered childhood with a very safe family unit. That got shot to **** when my folks divorced, that contributed to the illness (loss of control/safety, etc.) The abuse I referred to was of the sexual type, and has been repeated by various different people, both male and female, since i was 6years old (well, that's the earliest one i can recall.) Hence the reason I am very, very afraid of guys/anything sexual in general. Thats why i had to end it with my (very lovely) last b/f, my first sexual relationship - just got to close to the quick, as it were
Sorry to hear that.
Rachael, people go through ****. We all have a story to tell, however if you cling onto it, it will never go away.
You will meet people like yourself, you won't be judged negatively for being different and if you are, why bother with people like that in the first place.
When you meet new people in the halls just be upfront and say that you are prone to anxiety, make a joke about it. Have a few beers and you'll be laughing about it with them.
Seriously just relax, i know it's hard but just do it. Stop being afraid of who you are and stop making a mountain out of a molehill.
I'm off out for a beer.
Rachael, people go through ****. We all have a story to tell, however if you cling onto it, it will never go away.
You will meet people like yourself, you won't be judged negatively for being different and if you are, why bother with people like that in the first place.
When you meet new people in the halls just be upfront and say that you are prone to anxiety, make a joke about it. Have a few beers and you'll be laughing about it with them.
Seriously just relax, i know it's hard but just do it. Stop being afraid of who you are and stop making a mountain out of a molehill.
I'm off out for a beer.
*hugs*
You seem like a geniunely nice person, I can guarantee you'll meet people at uni that will appreciate you for that. I don't think you're being selfish at all with your actions, and although it may seem like that to an outsider, if they'd read half of your OP they would understand why.
All I can say is to just try keep an eye out at uni for quiet, understanding people, who you could befriend, as they would be less likely to drop insensitive comments, and who want to be friends because of who you are, and not for what you can do for them, if you see what I mean.
I wonder how many people it'll take to let you know you're good looking before you start believing it yourself...even if you don't find yourself attractive, you can take comfort in the fact that others do.
You seem like a geniunely nice person, I can guarantee you'll meet people at uni that will appreciate you for that. I don't think you're being selfish at all with your actions, and although it may seem like that to an outsider, if they'd read half of your OP they would understand why.
All I can say is to just try keep an eye out at uni for quiet, understanding people, who you could befriend, as they would be less likely to drop insensitive comments, and who want to be friends because of who you are, and not for what you can do for them, if you see what I mean.
R1chy - thanks for the "pretty lass" compliment, I'll let u know when i start believing it.
I wonder how many people it'll take to let you know you're good looking before you start believing it yourself...even if you don't find yourself attractive, you can take comfort in the fact that others do.
Anonymous
*hugs*
You seem like a geniunely nice person
I wonder how many people it'll take to let you know you're good looking before you start believing it yourself...even if you don't find yourself attractive, you can take comfort in the fact that others do.
You seem like a geniunely nice person
I wonder how many people it'll take to let you know you're good looking before you start believing it yourself...even if you don't find yourself attractive, you can take comfort in the fact that others do.
Yes, you do seem genuinely nice
and that picture is really pretty CelenaGaia
Samba - Your online analysis seems pretty accurate m'friend. You into psychology? You sounded rather like my therapist used to. I went thro a patch of selfharming when stuck on a general psychiatric ward (restricted exercise, no other outlet for my anxieties. Crass, I know.) Used to cut my upper arms with razor blades, how original.
Not particularly. Just experienced unfortunately.
You don't seem ready/capable/willing of actually discussing it though, as you nicely diverted the conversation. And I've no desire to humiliate you on a webpage just to get you angry and talking brutally truthfully. So this is just a rant; thats ok too. Good luck.
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