Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Is this a good opening for my novel? Watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    I'm writing a novel. I've decided on a plot and all the characters, I'm just really stuck on what would be a good way to start off the story.

    I have this rough draft so far. Constructive criticism much appreciated:

    'Before my mother stopped talking, she would take me and my brother to the park near our house when it got dark and teach us the names of the constellations in the sky. My favourite was Capricornus. Mother had said that Capricornus represented a sea-goat, but I noticed that if you gazed long enough and let your eyes adjust to the dark it looked like a big, smiling face in the night sky. I liked that. To my nine-year-old self, it was as if I had a friend amongst the stars, and even when the sounds of my parent's impending divorce came knocking it was okay as long as those stars were still smiling'

    I know it's very short so far, but does it grip you? Would you want to keep reading on to find out more?
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Astronomy Nerd)
    I'm writing a novel. I've decided on a plot and all the characters, I'm just really stuck on what would be a good way to start off the story.

    I have this rough draft so far. Constructive criticism much appreciated:

    'Before my mother stopped talking, she would take me and my brother to the park near our house when it got dark and teach us the names of the constellations in the sky. My favourite was Capricornus. Mother had said that Capricornus represented a sea-goat, but I noticed that if you gazed long enough and let your eyes adjust to the dark it looked like a big, smiling face in the night sky. I liked that. To my nine-year-old self, it was as if I had a friend amongst the stars, and even when the sounds of my parent's impending divorce came knocking it was okay as long as those stars were still smiling'

    I know it's very short so far, but does it grip you? Would you want to keep reading on to find out more?

    it's alright, but the very first sentence could be reworded a bit. It seems unthought of and donked
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Pace yourself. It's good, but I'd prefer some description of the park to generate an atmosphere. I can't quite discern the narrator's mood, and the long sentences lose my attraction. The constellations are an interesting quirk, and I'd love to hear that develop in some way.

    Keep up the good work!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I like it! Even though it's short it got me interested to know more about the story... Good Luck!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Astronomy Nerd)
    I'm writing a novel. I've decided on a plot and all the characters, I'm just really stuck on what would be a good way to start off the story.

    I have this rough draft so far. Constructive criticism much appreciated:

    'Before my mother stopped talking, she would take me and my brother to the park near our house when it got dark and teach us the names of the constellations in the sky. My favourite was Capricornus. Mother had said that Capricornus represented a sea-goat, but I noticed that if you gazed long enough and let your eyes adjust to the dark it looked like a big, smiling face in the night sky. I liked that. To my nine-year-old self, it was as if I had a friend amongst the stars, and even when the sounds of my parent's impending divorce came knocking it was okay as long as those stars were still smiling'

    I know it's very short so far, but does it grip you? Would you want to keep reading on to find out more?
    I really like it, the first line really pulls the reader in, gives us some suspense
    "the sounds of my parents' impending divorce came knocking" feels a little heavy though. Maybe something more like the actual moments, eg "... and even when I would lie in bed, listening to my parents' marriage fall apart, it was... etc"?
 
 
 
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What newspaper do you read/prefer?
    Useful resources

    Quick link:

    Unanswered creative corner threads

    Groups associated with this forum:

    View associated groups
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.