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Feelings for close friend, yet she has mystery BF. What to do? watch

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    Hi folks, and sorry for the long post.

    I'll start this off with a bit of history. We've always been close, but three years ago I fancied this friend of mine but she then started going out with our other very close mutual friend (after I match made them) - thankfully a couple of months later I started seeing someone else and we went out happily for well over a year - but that's over now. And so is the relationship between the object of affections and our mutual friend.

    Fast forwarding things to the not-so-distant past, me+close friend spent a lot of time together. I visited her at uni quite often (sometimes on the way back from my ex's uni dorm), we dined and went cinemas quite often when she was home, you know, boring friend things that friends do.

    And now to the present! My mum died about two weeks ago now, and she came up with and arranged it so that we'd meet up and just do stuff together when she came back from placement in a foreign country.

    Since I was kinda off my head and didn't know wtf to do, it ended up just being a generic eat-food-and-watch-film event, however, this day was kinda different.

    I arrived at her house, and spent the usual fifteen minutes talking to her mum about politics or people's attitudes to work and how to defend ones self from the overly excitable family dog. She walked down the stairs talking to some guy, I'll anonymise him and name him "Steve".

    I knew about Steve, she told me about him before, apparently the ex of one of her friends/flatmates at uni and they just started talking on Skype one day.

    Anyway, Steve kept calling her up every five or so minutes. They had an argument you see, and he wasn't being particularly level headed about it. As an example, she told me that Steve had threatened suicide at one point during one of the calls where I was there, and he had went to a location where one could perform such an act with relative ease during the fifteen minutes he wasn't bombarding her with calls.

    It wasn't until I asked her whether he was her stalker or her boyfriend, that she admitted that Steve was her boyfriend. Her FB profile still today is marked explicitly as 'single', she didn't tell me or mutual friend, nor did she let on during the previous three months that her and Steve were going out.

    I don't think any of her other friends down here know about Steve, lol.

    Anyway, I asked her why her profile was marked as single, she had replied with "oh, because I'm not sure if we'll still be together in the near distance future" or something like that.

    And about the ex/mutual friend? He was working a couple of days ago, and he served her+boyf. She didn't introduce the mutual friend to the boyf, it was a case of "hi there" and then "bye" or something. And then as soon as they thought they were out of eyeshot of the ex/mutual friend, they were all lovey-dovey or something. The mutual friends' words there, not mine.

    (since you've read down to here, congratulate yourself with a picture of an expensive super car!)

    You're probably wondering, what on earth is this post about? Well, over the past couple of months since I split up from my ex-girlfriend, my feelings for her have come back, and I was thinking of telling her about it over dinner or something. But, as my mum had died a couple of days before, I held it off until I thought I was ready. In hindsight this chickening out had saved me a lot of bother.

    Well, I'm confused on a couple of points here.

    - First, I like her, but I can't really say anything as she's in a relationship. They're supposedly having problems so that's probably another reason on its own why I can't say anything.

    - Secondly, why didn't she tell me/mutual friend about the BF? This is considering how she's told me pretty much everything else about her life, like the fact that she talks to Steve on a regular basis. In fact, she talks about people to me like I was there with her when she met them, or already know them or something.

    Mutual friend and I are really confused about this, and when I told him pretty much the contents of this post, he was still confused. He even said to me last night that if I hadn't had told him about the new BF, he would have thought it was a family relation or something, seeing how she didn't tell him anything.

    Now, I'm quite peeved, partly 'cos the woman I have the hots for is with another man (that, I can handle and have handled before), but I just dunno wtf the proper thing is to do. I can't exactly march up to her at mum's funeral tomorrow and say "oh, btw, despite the fact your mysterious boyf is waiting at your house, I like you!!!!11one" now, can I?

    What would you do in this situation? If you know Jesus too (WTFWJD), I'd like to know his input as well. I've heard he's a pretty knowledgable person.

    Thanks!
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    First of all, I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I can't imagine how hard that must be. *hugs*

    So you're starting to like this girl as more than a friend? It's possible that something can happen. You'll have to start flirting with her and show your romantic intentions. But I would avoid a full on admission of feelings until you've gauged her reaction to the flirting.

    I could see why she didn't put her relationship on Facebook if she didn't know whether the relationship would last. I totally understand that. Facebook can cause a lot of relationship drama and she may not want to introduce a casual boyfriend to people who are important to her unless they get more serious. I would hang back from getting involved in how that relationship plays out.

    You posted a few things so I'll try and answer as best as I can.

    First, I like her, but I can't really say anything as she's in a relationship. They're supposedly having problems so that's probably another reason on its own why I can't say anything.
    Maybe it's best to hang back like you said. I think that's sensible - at least until you know what is going on between them. You wouldn't want to be in any kind of situation where you might be blamed for a relationship ending. I think be her friend and be there for her if she wants you to.

    Secondly, why didn't she tell me/mutual friend about the BF? This is considering how she's told me pretty much everything else about her life, like the fact that she talks to Steve on a regular basis.
    There's something missing from this post. How long has this relationship been going on? If it's not been long, then maybe she didn't get round to telling anyone. And if you're just getting to know someone, you might not put a label on it straight away. Maybe they aren't even boyfriend and girlfriend, but casually dating. If you're just seeing someone, you might not mention it to many people because you don't where it is going. She may well have been honest with you with her reasoning. She seems to have implied that she might be ending the relationship soon in which case you have a good chance of making an impression on her at this point in time.

    I can't exactly march up to her at mum's funeral tomorrow and say "oh, btw, despite the fact your mysterious boyf is waiting at your house, I like you!!!!11one" now, can I?
    If it was me, I think I would see what happens between her and that guy...but while that was going on in the background, I wouldn't get too involved but I would focus on having fun with her when you do spend time together. She might see how much fun it would be spending time with you rather than an emotionally-manipulative guy threatening suicide during an argument, you know?

    Hey I hope you are okay.Take care of yourself because your emotions might be quite vulnerable during the grieving process.
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    Thanks for the reply, I wasn't really expecting anything anywhere near the size of the OP!

    First of all, I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. I can't imagine how hard that must be. *hugs*
    It really wasn't that much of a train wreck, as it was an long term illness rather than a sudden event. I think I've been more stressed out rather than emotional, anyway. I think if it were a train wreck that caused her death, I would be off my head with emotions most likely, but thank you anyway. *enjoys hug*

    There's something missing from this post. How long has this relationship been going on? If it's not been long, then maybe she didn't get round to telling anyone. And if you're just getting to know someone, you might not put a label on it straight away. Maybe they aren't even boyfriend and girlfriend, but casually dating. If you're just seeing someone, you might not mention it to many people because you don't where it is going. She may well have been honest with you with her reasoning. She seems to have implied that she might be ending the relationship soon in which case you have a good chance of making an impression on her at this point in time.
    They've been going out since about April time, according to the female in all this. I didn't ask why she didn't mention anything, which on hindsight would have helped out here. It could be casual dating, indeed, but would you consider BF wanting to spend, and currently spending two weeks around the GF's house casual?

    On waking up this morning I remember her describing the boyf previously as "that guy who's desperately in love with me who won't leave me alone" - welp!

    If it was me, I think I would see what happens between her and that guy...but while that was going on in the background, I wouldn't get too involved but I would focus on having fun with her when you do spend time together. She might see how much fun it would be spending time with you rather than an emotionally-manipulative guy threatening suicide during an argument, you know?
    Yeah, that's a good point. In fact, that's what usually happens. I meet up with her, have fun in whatever we're doing, then after everything's finished I realise that I empty I then feel, lol.

    Anyway, I'll ask her how them two are getting on, and I'll report back after the funeral. Thanks Lucia
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    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    Hey I hope you are okay.Take care of yourself because your emotions might be quite vulnerable during the grieving process.
    Indeed.

    Anyway, to give an update to my situation, just after mum's funeral had ended and I had collected all the donations, talked to all the people there, did the obligatory shake hands and get ushered out of the hallway because there was another dead person waiting to be dispatched, I said to her that I wanted a quick private word with her.

    So, I asked her how her and "Steve" were getting on, and after about a minute of her trying to figure out why I was asking (managed to joke my way out of it) she went on to say that her and Steve weren't serious at all, and that she's not really that over her ex/the mutual friend.

    And that she spent most of yesterday crying.

    This is getting weirder and weirder by the day.

    I think thus far, all I can see is that she's using Steve for a rebound, she's not properly over mutual friend in this regard and I don't really know if there's any room for me in this, romantically speaking. It's all, as they say, in the air.

    So, presuming this, WTF do I do? After Steve goes back home, make the move?

    At least mum got a brilliant send off.
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    F that *****
 
 
 
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