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Had one good day before I get upset again with her... Watch

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    Hey,

    I'm writing this currently in a state of sheer frustrating, angst, and crippling knot in the bottom of my stomach.

    I've been having a hectic time recently in life, predominantly in my relationship. The general idea is that my girlfriend had met someone whilst away and has become very close friends with this person.

    Understandably so, I became uncomfortable. The situation and the specifics warranted me to worry since she would always bring up this person in conversation, I would always see borderline flirty comments between them.

    For a few weeks this went on, (with me mentioning casually that it bothered me and I felt jealous), this carried on as it seemed get dismissed.

    A few nights ago I flipped, it was a mixture of depression and anger with working life, feelings of loneliness (since she's away), and the idea that she is getting close to this person. I ended up getting very on edge and posted a rather depressive post online...immediately she messaged me telling me to ring her, somewhat upset on the phone. I couldn't tell her it was our relationship and her friendship with this person.

    The behaviour between the two carried on as a suffered in a cesspit of depression and resentment. This time, I was at breaking point, I completely unloaded all of my emotional stuff on her and told her exactly why I didn't trust her etc, she was upset and all but seemed to understand that I didn't want to see stuff online and that everytime I see it it kills me more inside.

    Afterwards we seemed fine for a day or so, she was constantly telling me she loves me, but that she's upset I didn't trust her and that she thinks everything she tells me I always trying to guess everything.

    Tonight she tells me said friend had posted a picture of her online that she dislikes. I didn't react but sent her a message. She still hasn't replied and is in fact offline. She went offline around same time said picture was posted. It's almost as though she's with this friend. She said she'd be free around this time to chat, but evidently isn't. The little things don't add up.

    Can anyone offer up some advice?
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    I forgot to mention- when I had confronted her of my feelings she was like "I don't want to have to hide my friendships or comments just because I upset you every-time", and also with the fact she downplayed her friends posting of the photo and I've noticed a lack of kisses and emoticons.

    Does this seem a little strange?

    I feel I may be getting played.

    Given the idea she said she thinks she shouldn't have to "hide" anything, isn't this a giveaway or throwaway remark?
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    how serious you with her?

    doesn't sound worth the hassle to me
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    (Original post by iamu)
    how serious you with her?

    doesn't sound worth the hassle to me
    Fairly serious unfortunately.
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    Sorry, but you sound as though you are being paranoid and controlling over nothing. What has your girlfriend ever done that she deserves so little trust from you?

    It isn't okay to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend by having a break down every time she has a normal interaction with a friend. You don't seem to be considering her feelings. Instead you interpret her objections (quite bizarrely!) as somehow being evidence of guilt :/ Everything that she has said to you would be what I would say if my boyfriend didn't appear to trust me or wanted to restrict my friends. To me nothing about what you have described is particularly strange or suspicious.

    Even if she were "playing you", your behaviour would do little/nothing to address the situation. Constantly demanding she restrict completely normal/innocent aspects of her life, needing emotional babysitting and second guessing her character/motivations (without any thought for how that makes her feel) won't stop her cheating if that's what she wants to do. But it will make her resent you and push her away from you if she is actually just a nice, faithful girl. You need to get a hold of yourself before you ruin a good thing.

    To emphasise: the parts where you have said "the little things don't add up" and "does this seem strange" strike me as literally just raving paranoia. There is nothing to read into either or the "events" you've described. For example, even if she were with a friend, why would you consider this evidence that something was going on? Why can't she spend time with a friend? Do you expect her to report to you constantly? "I don't want to have to hide my friendships or comments just because I upset you every-time" is in particular a completely reasonable, honest thing to say. It's what I would say to you. That you take this as some kind of evidence she may be "playing you" kinda shows your imagination is running wild with you here.
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    (Original post by BeanofJelly)
    Sorry, but you sound as though you are being paranoid and controlling over nothing. What has your girlfriend ever done that she deserves so little trust from you?

    It isn't okay to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend by having a break down every time she has a normal interaction with a friend. You don't seem to be considering her feelings. Instead you interpret her objections (quite bizarrely!) as somehow being evidence of guilt :/ Everything that she has said to you would be what I would say if my boyfriend didn't appear to trust me or wanted to restrict my friends. To me nothing about what you have described is particularly strange or suspicious.

    Even if she were "playing you", your behaviour would do little/nothing to address the situation. Constantly demanding she restrict completely normal/innocent aspects of her life, needing emotional babysitting and second guessing her character/motivations (without any thought for how that makes her feel) won't stop her cheating if that's what she wants to do. But it will make her resent you and push her away from you if she is actually just a nice, faithful girl. You need to get a hold of yourself before you ruin a good thing.

    To emphasise: the parts where you have said "the little things don't add up" and "does this seem strange" strike me as literally just raving paranoia. There is nothing to read into either or the "events" you've described. For example, even if she were with a friend, why would you consider this evidence that something was going on? Why can't she spend time with a friend? Do you expect her to report to you constantly? "I don't want to have to hide my friendships or comments just because I upset you every-time" is in particular a completely reasonable, honest thing to say. It's what I would say to you. That you take this as some kind of evidence she may be "playing you" kinda shows your imagination is running wild with you here.
    There is more to the story in all honesty, as I've tried to cut the thread down to a bare minimum. I usually post threads and they end up being mammoth in size so I'm trying to eradicate this problem.

    I agree that I am somewhat emotionally immature, through no intentional way. There is more to the story in the sense this friend is female (yes females can be naturally more closer) but my girl likes both sexes. This in and of itself isn't a reason to suspect anything, however, just the fact she's like a pivotal discussion in every conversation we have. I don't think we've ever had one where she hasn't cropped up.

    I haven't flatly told her to stop talking about her 24/7 but I've considered it.

    I broke down because I'm not mentally well as a result of anxiety, depression and paranoia, and, furthermore I would say the relationship stressors add to this. Therefore, I don't mean to have a full blown meltdown, and I certainly do not intend to manipulate her! Sorry but that part offended me somewhat.

    There are more bits and pieces to this story, but I'm not going to go in great detail. I just feel a bit antagonised if I'm honest.

    The point is, I feel a little pushed out at times, it's like, I could be there for her one day, we talk all the time and then the next day we may not talk if very little. Though, it's evident she's talking to others (being busy aside).

    Sometimes I feel as though I'm only needed in times when she wants emotional support and not in general, but hey ho, I guess your going to abuse me for saying that too!?

    You seem to have painted me as an uncaring, selfish boyfriend when in fact I'm actually quite supportive (mental health issues aside). Ive just recently supported her through a death in the family (so I'm not so sure your insinuations are valid).
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by BeanofJelly)
    Sorry, but you sound as though you are being paranoid and controlling over nothing. What has your girlfriend ever done that she deserves so little trust from you?

    It isn't okay to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend by having a break down every time she has a normal interaction with a friend. You don't seem to be considering her feelings. Instead you interpret her objections (quite bizarrely!) as somehow being evidence of guilt :/ Everything that she has said to you would be what I would say if my boyfriend didn't appear to trust me or wanted to restrict my friends. To me nothing about what you have described is particularly strange or suspicious.

    Even if she were "playing you", your behaviour would do little/nothing to address the situation. Constantly demanding she restrict completely normal/innocent aspects of her life, needing emotional babysitting and second guessing her character/motivations (without any thought for how that makes her feel) won't stop her cheating if that's what she wants to do. But it will make her resent you and push her away from you if she is actually just a nice, faithful girl. You need to get a hold of yourself before you ruin a good thing.

    To emphasise: the parts where you have said "the little things don't add up" and "does this seem strange" strike me as literally just raving paranoia. There is nothing to read into either or the "events" you've described. For example, even if she were with a friend, why would you consider this evidence that something was going on? Why can't she spend time with a friend? Do you expect her to report to you constantly? "I don't want to have to hide my friendships or comments just because I upset you every-time" is in particular a completely reasonable, honest thing to say. It's what I would say to you. That you take this as some kind of evidence she may be "playing you" kinda shows your imagination is running wild with you here.
    Also to add:

    I'm annoyed with the situation of her talking to this friend because, quite frankly, she's known her a very short space of time, and already, I know they talk to each other a lot. Sure they work alongside each other, but over time more and more time is being taken away and she talks to her all the time. I'm her boyfriend and it's like she doesn't feel the need she once had to talk as much, be as affectionate.

    I have noticed that whether her friend is around she talks less to me, whereas when her friend is away or absent, me and my girlfriend talk 24/7 and are affectionate etc etc. So the focus is more on the fact I feel like she loses focus whenever said friend is around.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There is more to the story in all honesty, as I've tried to cut the thread down to a bare minimum. I usually post threads and they end up being mammoth in size so I'm trying to eradicate this problem.

    I agree that I am somewhat emotionally immature, through no intentional way. There is more to the story in the sense this friend is female (yes females can be naturally more closer) but my girl likes both sexes. This in and of itself isn't a reason to suspect anything, however, just the fact she's like a pivotal discussion in every conversation we have. I don't think we've ever had one where she hasn't cropped up.

    I haven't flatly told her to stop talking about her 24/7 but I've considered it.

    I broke down because I'm not mentally well as a result of anxiety, depression and paranoia, and, furthermore I would say the relationship stressors add to this. Therefore, I don't mean to have a full blown meltdown, and I certainly do not intend to manipulate her! Sorry but that part offended me somewhat.

    There are more bits and pieces to this story, but I'm not going to go in great detail. I just feel a bit antagonised if I'm honest.

    The point is, I feel a little pushed out at times, it's like, I could be there for her one day, we talk all the time and then the next day we may not talk if very little. Though, it's evident she's talking to others (being busy aside).

    Sometimes I feel as though I'm only needed in times when she wants emotional support and not in general, but hey ho, I guess your going to abuse me for saying that too!?

    You seem to have painted me as an uncaring, selfish boyfriend when in fact I'm actually quite supportive (mental health issues aside). Ive just recently supported her through a death in the family (so I'm not so sure your insinuations are valid).
    [EDIT: Just realised I misunderstood the bit in bold, sorry.] I'm sorry you're having a hard time but as the other poster says you will end up pushing her away. I wish I could help you to see it through more objective eyes. I'm in a relationship and I have plenty of good male friends that I see a lot and a few that I became really good friends with really quickly/talk about a lot. Doesn't mean anything. As the other user said, nothing you've described sounds remotely suspicious, and her responses actually sound very normal for someone who is not being trusted enough.

    You may not mean to manipulate her, but you should have a think about if that is (in practice) what you are doing. Your girlfriend should be able to have friends that she is close to.

    The last bit about being pushed to one side I can understand a bit better, but that's a separate issue and one you should be able to talk to her about as calmly as possible.
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    Your gf's new friend is a male, yeah?
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    (Original post by iamu)
    Your gf's new friend is a male, yeah?
    No. Female.
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    You are not a bad manipulative person but neither is she, you're being paranoid.

    Go and visit her as soon as possible.
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    Ok so I thought the friend was a male...
    Seriously, not to be rude but I feel as though you could benefit from some help. That is not normal behaviour.
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    Okay for all of those that have replied so far, there is more to this story than meets the eye. Basically my girlfriend is outgoing, bubbly, and has an overly friendly nature (which I'm not particularly used too), she has a past, in which she's slept with a lot guys and a few girls. A couple of which are on my course.

    Secondly, me and her have different views on behaviour whilst out, she finds it acceptable to dirty dance with friends (whilst drunk), whereas I'm very conservative and class this as wrong. We're exclusive so this sort of stuff is off limits-- as a given!

    We've only been going out for a few months and were long distance due to circumstances with her summer arrangement. This inevitably makes it harder for me, with all the things I know to trust, and all of the other issues in my original OP get on top of me.

    Particularly more the said friend that she's known a mere few weeks, and they're very close. There are significant gaps when she talks to me whenever she is around or active on Facebook (I don't know the friend). But all the times she's been away my girlfriend had always been overly affectionate with me, I'm not sure what this means but I've got a persistent feeling in my stomach which won't go away and hasn't for weeks, jealousy, paranoia aside.

    I notice she replies to me sporadically, and more recently late on a night. She'd previously always be too tired to be up that late, but whenever said girl is around she pops up very late.

    There are things she's told me that I've found hard to get over (her sexuality inc), but I've tried my best to overcome it. It still bothers me, all the aforementioned, since it's always in the back of my head, but nevertheless I WANT to trust her but I can't.

    When I discussed all of this with her, (during my meltdown), she asked me to ring her immediately, seemed upset on the phone, even though in my own head I couldn't believe it. She asked me if it was about our relationship, I couldn't fathom telling her, I felt guilty, so I just told her it was work related.

    A few days later I confessed how I truly felt about EVERYTHING.....the distance, her (the friend), the fact she seems so emotionally absent from me, how communication has dwindled, and about how I'm getting pushed out and feel jealous.

    She understandably was upset, though she stead she's upset because she thinks I always seem to re-think on everything she says or does, and that furthermore, she feels no matter what she tells me she knows I don't trust her.

    Somehow, I feel this is "displacement" or "projection" at it's best and maybe guilt, I dunno.

    Ever since our talk things seemed to be better, though she was constantly telling me she loves me (almost overboard), perhaps out of realisation I was going to finish it all. Since, she did mention she thought I was going to end it, and has said numerous times she doesn't want me too.

    I dunno what to think or do....we're fine at the moment, but I'm trying to shift my negative thoughts...
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    #1

    I'm the OP btw;

    Okay for all of those that have replied so far, there is more to this story than meets the eye. Basically my girlfriend is outgoing, bubbly, and has an overly friendly nature (which I'm not particularly used too), she has a past, in which she's slept with a lot guys and a few girls. A couple of which are on my course.

    Secondly, me and her have different views on behaviour whilst out, she finds it acceptable to dirty dance with friends (whilst drunk), whereas I'm very conservative and class this as wrong. We're exclusive so this sort of stuff is off limits-- as a given!

    We've only been going out for a few months and were long distance due to circumstances with her summer arrangement. This inevitably makes it harder for me, with all the things I know to trust, and all of the other issues in my original OP get on top of me.

    Particularly more the said friend that she's known a mere few weeks, and they're very close. There are significant gaps when she talks to me whenever she is around or active on Facebook (I don't know the friend). But all the times she's been away my girlfriend had always been overly affectionate with me, I'm not sure what this means but I've got a persistent feeling in my stomach which won't go away and hasn't for weeks, jealousy, paranoia aside.

    I notice she replies to me sporadically, and more recently late on a night. She'd previously always be too tired to be up that late, but whenever said girl is around she pops up very late.

    There are things she's told me that I've found hard to get over (her sexuality inc), but I've tried my best to overcome it. It still bothers me, all the aforementioned, since it's always in the back of my head, but nevertheless I WANT to trust her but I can't.

    When I discussed all of this with her, (during my meltdown), she asked me to ring her immediately, seemed upset on the phone, even though in my own head I couldn't believe it. She asked me if it was about our relationship, I couldn't fathom telling her, I felt guilty, so I just told her it was work related.

    A few days later I confessed how I truly felt about EVERYTHING.....the distance, her (the friend), the fact she seems so emotionally absent from me, how communication has dwindled, and about how I'm getting pushed out and feel jealous.

    She understandably was upset, though she stead she's upset because she thinks I always seem to re-think on everything she says or does, and that furthermore, she feels no matter what she tells me she knows I don't trust her.

    Somehow, I feel this is "displacement" or "projection" at it's best and maybe guilt, I dunno.

    Ever since our talk things seemed to be better, though she was constantly telling me she loves me (almost overboard), perhaps out of realisation I was going to finish it all. Since, she did mention she thought I was going to end it, and has said numerous times she doesn't want me too.

    I dunno what to think or do....we're fine at the moment, but I'm trying to shift my negative thoughts...
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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    You are not a bad manipulative person but neither is she, you're being paranoid.

    Go and visit her as soon as possible.
    Seeing her soon hopefully. This might clear things up.
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    (Original post by ldsbabe)
    Ok so I thought the friend was a male...
    Seriously, not to be rude but I feel as though you could benefit from some help. That is not normal behaviour.
    I'm not abnormal, I implied she was bisexual in the original OP, therefore why is it not reasonable to suggest she could be lusting for a woman?
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    OP: you are not emotionally capable of being in a relationship. Why are you wasting her time?


    Posted from TSR Mobile
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    (Original post by LightBlueSoldier)
    OP: you are not emotionally capable of being in a relationship. Why are you wasting her time?


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Why is this so? I'm not wasting her time.
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    (Original post by LightBlueSoldier)
    OP: you are not emotionally capable of being in a relationship. Why are you wasting her time?


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Are you implying I have some sort of emotional dysfunction or disorder?
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    I suppose you just need to trust her OP that they are just "friends"
 
 
 
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