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    #1

    Not really sure where to start or anything, but, here goes...

    On 23rd February my dad passed away.

    I'd been out at a club the night before, phone battery had died so there was no way of contacting me. I walked back from the night bus stop, and when I got to the end of my road I saw that all the lights in my house were on and there was an ambulance outside. Went in and there was my mum, crying on the sofa, there were two paramedics, and a neighbour and I was told my dad had died. I was also told not to go in the bathroom, so of course the first thing I did was look in there. My dad was on the floor, head facing the door, there was blood all around his mouth, like something out of a vampire movie, there was blood on the floor, the walls, in the sink and the bath was full of blood, but a thick black oily blood. Paramedics believed it to be a haemorrhage of the lung.

    Before I arrived that night, my dad had gone to my mum "help me", he'd stumbled into the bathroom before throwing up blood everywhere, he'd leant over the bath and died whilst throwing up blood - I feel guilty I let my mum deal with that by herself. I also feel guilty relating to another event a good few years ago, the death of my grandfather. I was only young at the time, but I was in the hospital with him and my nan, mum, aunt and uncle staying with him as his organs shut down one by one - I didn't think I could experience anything worse than that, I guess I was wrong - however my mum asked if I wanted to go about 45 minutes before he died and I said yes, and I hate that I did.

    It turned out from the coroners report he had cancer of the throat that had spread throughout the body. He'd been, not right, for a while, but he insisted he was fine and that he was feeling better - I knew he should be checked out by a doctor, but he was stubborn like that and in all honesty I didn't want to cause an argument. This makes me feel worse, I feel like his blood is on my hands.

    We also never had a close relationship, don't get me wrong, we loved each other and I think he was immensely proud of me - but we were never close, at times we were like strangers. I always thought this would improve. It didn't.

    So I've been having flashbacks as well to the whole bathroom scene, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I'm also barely sleeping, find it hard to drift off and when i do it's disturbed to the max. I saw a counsellor a few times, but I found her condescending and not at all comfortable to talk to her - much less about something like this, it was also painful to go there in all honesty.

    So after a while the flashbacks stopped, around the same time I started to develop bulimia, started binge eating a lot and bringing it back up, I know the dangers of this, this morning I had blood come into my mouth, but I can't stop it and I don't know why. Weirdly enough I've put on 7lbs in the last month. A few nights ago however I got out of bed to go to the toilet, walked through the door and I saw my dad on the floor, I saw the blood; happened again yesterday as well so I guess the flashbacks have come back again...

    Problem is, this depression has started to take a hold of my life. At first I could deal with it, a smile, a joke and repress whatever the hell was inside. But as it goes on, it's getting worse. I'm finding it hard to get out of bed - in the last week, I think 4 out of 7 days I've not left the house, and at a guess for 22 hours of those days I've just stayed in bed. When I look in the mirror, I see this fat ugly bloke with a receding hairline, I'm paranoid noone likes me. I know this isn't true, I have a wide range of friends and recently I received the honour of being my friends baby's godfather, but it's a feeling I can't shake. I get paranoid going outside about how I look, I worry people are just looking and laughing at me, it's ridiculous as I know it isn't true but I can't help thinking it. A lot of the time as well, I don't feel like I'm me, I feel like I'm controlling myself via a computer game or something, if that makes any sense at all?

    I come across as a bit of a laugh, a happy go lucky guy, and I guess I'm using this as a defence mechanism. I've told a few of my friends I feel like I'm losing the plot, but I've done it over text and not in person - I can't have this conversation with people, I can't take off my mask in person. I guess part of it is my mum has taken it badly, she has a depressive, reclusive personality - I am an only child and I have to be strong for her. After I finished my masters degree (can't even bring myself to start my dissertation due in just over a month, the idea scares me), I had wanted to go and teach English abroad, but I can't leave my mum like this.

    Overall it's like I'm drowning, sometimes I'll be able to lift my head out of the water and breath - become me again - but everytime I do that the current sweeps me away further underwater.
    Sorry about the length of the post, and I guess there's not really much anyone can say. I just wanted to have a rant to a group of strangers I guess, so thank you.
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    Awwww please get help honey!!
    You don't have to go through this alone. I urge you to go to your GP ASAP. They will give you all the therapy you need and medication.

    xxxxx
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    Maybe go and see your GP as the poster above suggested. They'll probably be able to offer really good support
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    Bump. Would love this person to get as much advice as possible xx
    • #2
    #2

    Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your counsellor. I urge you to try and find another one, they won't all be the same. I had four bad counsellors until I finally found one that is actually helping and making a difference to my life. Maybe also consider asking your GP to prescribe you some anti depressants. What you've experienced is absolutely terrible, but things always get better with time (I know you've probably heard that 1000 times, but it's true). Best wishes.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the replies

    Regarding the GP, I have been seeing her monthly or so - she's given my Fluoxetine but I'm noticing literally nothing with it, that's been about 3 months now. Guess it might be worth trying to book an appointment tomorrow morning rather than waiting out the month cycle?

    Regarding the counsellor, I guess maybe it's an avenue worth investigating again - but the wait to get an appointment as well is kinda not great, was on the waiting list for over a month before I heard anything back, presuming the NHS would offer it again seeing as I cancelled on the last one? Would be kind of anxious as well, the last one quite literally made me feel an inch tall.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the replies

    Regarding the GP, I have been seeing her monthly or so - she's given my Fluoxetine but I'm noticing literally nothing with it, that's been about 3 months now. Guess it might be worth trying to book an appointment tomorrow morning rather than waiting out the month cycle?

    Regarding the counsellor, I guess maybe it's an avenue worth investigating again - but the wait to get an appointment as well is kinda not great, was on the waiting list for over a month before I heard anything back, presuming the NHS would offer it again seeing as I cancelled on the last one? Would be kind of anxious as well, the last one quite literally made me feel an inch tall.
    Always. If treatment isn't having an effect and is possibly a placebo, book another appointment.

    Psychologist?
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    there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, just be patient..do the right things..read books on grief/depression..educate yourself on how to feel better and ways to change negative thinking patterns. If an A.D isnt working, tell your GP an they'll try u on another 1 "very common". Try different therapists/councillors until u find the right one..never give up the fight buddy..ive been in that dark place, but with time and doing all the right things you'll pull through and more than likely b a stronger person for it to. Good luck bud, wish u all the best


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    I know this sounds rather rubbish but I find giving yourself time to grieve can be really beneficial, use the time to take some time to yourself , but to cheer yourself up I would suggest you play Xbox for a while.


    Nightworld1066
 
 
 
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