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Getting my life back together- where do I start? Watch

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    Essentially I am pretty depressed at the moment, stuck in a rut with a whirlwind of emotions and lack of direction.

    I will list my problems to be as straightforward as possible:

    1) I am currently in an un-fulfilling relationship (in the sense I don't trust her, we have differing personalities) in which she lives away and we talk less and less frequently, we are always up and down and having arguments. I constantly question everything and anything she says or does-- it makes me feel guilty, though sometimes I feel she doesn't help the situation either. I don't want to leave because I feel that I won't find anyone else-- even though this is my second girlfriend and relationship in the last 12-18 months.

    2) Leads on from aformentioned-- I have no confidence in myself, I lack self-esteem. Don't find myself attractive and have lost all sense of direction over my life. I've never thought of myself as attractive, and I've never really had to try and get a girlfriend (not because I'm amazing looking) but because I've been 'lucky'. First girlfriend chatted up whilst drunk (dutch courage), which I wouldn't have made a move whilst sober. Additionally I had just come out of a major depression whilst meeting her.
    Second girlfriend- she pursued me completely, but now I don't think I can trust her.


    3) I am the sort of person that can't be happy unless I have something going for me. Or I am excelling in some area of my life. Be it relationships, love, educationally or vocationally. Right now, my relationship is failing. I'm in a dead-end job-- though I'm at uni going into my last year-- I don't have a sense of direction about what I wish to do afterwards. I feel as though I've been engulfed by the system. I'm your average 2:1 student, and there are students so much better than me, and more competitive. They get internships, awards, scholarships and manage to land jobs out of uni. Whilst the majority just settle into a mundane job.

    4) I've got a history of depression, anxiety and the like-- visited doctors over the years (since 2011), I no longer feel like I can be helped.

    5) I always compare myself to others; in everyway...and then there is my relationship-- which is killing me inside. I want to motivate myself to finish uni and move out of the area-- lack of jobs and prospects, but I doubt I'll have much money when I finish my studies, and I can't hack much more of my part time job. Been here eight years and I'm sick of it-- mundane, boring, depressive minimum wage dead end job!

    6) All of the above factors are weighing on me and I can't cope and don't know how to untangle myself from it all
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