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    I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, or if anyone can offer any words of advice.I've had this family issue going on for about 10 years. While the whole seems to move with the times, my mum is stuck in her conservative views.She has gone totally mad.It all started when my older sister had a boyfriend.She never told my mum obviously, but my mum found out.Since then my mum lost 'trust' in her and I think she got seriously shocked.She hates my sister a lot for it.Although she has moved past it, she always says how my sister had 'a plan' and that she only had a boyfriends to make my mum upset.

    My parents live seperate, my dad is quite modern.In my mum's mind my dad is using my sister to get to my mum.This is not true at all, my sister wouldn't want to do anything to hurt my mum, but my mum still thinks this.I know what my sister did is considered Islamically wrong, but my mum is acting so childish and making it all about herself, rather than advising my sister that this guy is completely wrong for her.My mum has been living in London for 30 years and I cannot believe she has not adjusted to the culture here, and realised that the culture is influencing my sister rather than my dad.

    She is so strict with us all the time.My brother is similar, although he is more laid back then my mum, he still has alot of conservative Muslim views that he tries to enforce on me and my sisters.I have no idea what to do about my mum, she always has a new conspiracy theory in her mind.Although I respect Islam a lot and by no means perfect my self, how do I get my mum to understand, we were born here and obviously we are affected by the culture, I feel like I cannot live my life because of her, she s reluctant to let me and my other sister do anything fun,I feel like she want everyone to be miserable with her.

    Other people kids do far worse than us, and she says nothing about them.Everyday she says we are such bad children, when we help her alot. She is the one who stresses us out, and we cant do nothing.I have tried talking to her about this numerous times, telling her that we have no intention to see her hurt.She always ruins any fun we have.I wear a hijab because she told me to, this was not her decision to make, and I feel living under her roof I sometime have to listen to her otherwise she tells me I can leave.She always cares about what everyone else thinks about our family and lives her life trying to be perfect.She never used to be so religious, but only after she seperated from my dad.I dont know how she will ever realise that her acting like this is tearing the family apart.It's just so frustrating.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, or if anyone can offer any words of advice.I've had this family issue going on for about 10 years. While the whole seems to move with the times, my mum is stuck in her conservative views.She has gone totally mad.It all started when my older sister had a boyfriend.She never told my mum obviously, but my mum found out.Since then my mum lost 'trust' in her and I think she got seriously shocked.She hates my sister a lot for it.Although she has moved past it, she always says how my sister had 'a plan' and that she only had a boyfriends to make my mum upset.

    My parents live seperate, my dad is quite modern.In my mum's mind my dad is using my sister to get to my mum.This is not true at all, my sister wouldn't want to do anything to hurt my mum, but my mum still thinks this.I know what my sister did is considered Islamically wrong, but my mum is acting so childish and making it all about herself, rather than advising my sister that this guy is completely wrong for her.My mum has been living in London for 30 years and I cannot believe she has not adjusted to the culture here, and realised that the culture is influencing my sister rather than my dad.

    She is so strict with us all the time.My brother is similar, although he is more laid back then my mum, he still has alot of conservative Muslim views that he tries to enforce on me and my sisters.I have no idea what to do about my mum, she always has a new conspiracy theory in her mind.Although I respect Islam a lot and by no means perfect my self, how do I get my mum to understand, we were born here and obviously we are affected by the culture, I feel like I cannot live my life because of her, she s reluctant to let me and my other sister do anything fun,I feel like she want everyone to be miserable with her.

    Other people kids do far worse than us, and she says nothing about them.Everyday she says we are such bad children, when we help her alot. She is the one who stresses us out, and we cant do nothing.I have tried talking to her about this numerous times, telling her that we have no intention to see her hurt.She always ruins any fun we have.I wear a hijab because she told me to, this was not her decision to make, and I feel living under her roof I sometime have to listen to her otherwise she tells me I can leave.She always cares about what everyone else thinks about our family and lives her life trying to be perfect.She never used to be so religious, but only after she seperated from my dad.I dont know how she will ever realise that her acting like this is tearing the family apart.It's just so frustrating.
    I'd guess that the wayward reaction is influence by the fact that your mum feels a bit lost, feeling a lack of support due to the absence of your dad, feeling angry that it may not have happened had your dad been around to help raise your sister together, feeling left alone to deal with this completely unknown situation, perhaps feeling that she failed her children because she was caught up in her own marriage issues, feeling that nothing was in her control, and so on.

    Maybe it would help for her to hear (from her children) a simple statement of reassurance that "Mum, you did your best, but there's nothing you could've done - it's was her choice, and she acted on it by her will". It may seem unnecessary or stating the obvious, but perhaps it will help bring her out of 'victim mode'.

    After that, maybe you need to tell her straight - but be calm and patient about it, as if you don't, she might not listen to you and go into yet another one of those phases.
    Explain calmly and softly that she isn't doing good for the family.

    You say that she is religious - so turn her toward Islam's advice for hardships. The 'blogs/articles' here may help:
    www.inreflectionofthequran.wordpress.com

    Explain to her that not everything bad can be avoided by our efforts, no matter how much we try, and that God alone can have control over all things. Explain that what's happened has happened, and that the best she can do is tawakkul (complete reliance in God of one's affairs) and to have patience.

    Explain to her your concerns about how she is interacting with our sister, and why this is ineffective and not thought through, how it will in fact push your sister even further away.

    I guess that's my advice, I hope that it was somewhat useful. Do see the articles on the website and feel free to discuss the articles with me on the Islamic-society (I-SOC) thread in the religion forum of TSR.
    I hope everything settles soon, God willing :console:


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    Islam > Culture. Your mum is right.
 
 
 
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