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Boyfriend unable to focus or organise himself

Sorry, this is going to be quite long...........

Basically my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, are planning to get married soon etc. In that respect everything is great. However, he is completely unorganised and all over the place and it drives me mad. It's not so much that he forgets little things but that his entire life is in disarray. He forgets to pay bills etc and jumps from one thing to the other all the time thereby forgetting things even more. He absolutely refuses to write lists or anything to help with this and gets annoyed if I suggest it.

Again, it wouldn't be so bad if he was actually sorted, but just forgetful like a lot of people are. However, unfortunately it affects everything. He's really smart, but started and didn't finish 2 graduate courses at university (because he was unable to organise himself and focus on them because he wasn't really interested in every aspect) so has a 3 year gap in his CV. This alone probably would be alright, as he's managed to get 2 jobs since then, but he was fired from his last one and is now unemployed. I'm sure exactly why, but he says it was because he didn't work as his manager wanted him to- basically she wanted him to focus on a task and get it done where he would jump around from one thing to another. Now he's trying to change industries yet again (this would make the third in three jobs) but I think the problems will be the same as he thinks he will at some point be able to find a job that he finds really interesting and enjoys all the time. The not focusing is also hindering his job search- he was given a test to do, and instead of taking the few days he should has been working on it really slowly and taken over two weeks. Even now when he knows he is way behind he'll get distracted by something else and start doing that instead.

I'm not really sure exactly what to ask, but basically how can I make him see that he needs to focus and work in a linear fashion and focus on things he isn't interested in without making it sound like he's failed at stuff (he gets enough of that from his parents) I've looked up adult ADD and he seems to match most of the indicators but I don't know where to go from there as all the self help tips like lists he refuses to listen to. I love him to pieces and don't want to hurt him, but don't know how to make him see the real world. He can't seem to focus and get on with things unless he is interested and laughs at me when I point out that most people don't find their whole jobs interesting like he will find one. He's flunked out of 2 courses and one job because of this and in combination with his disorganisation it's a nightmare. I feel completely against a brick wall and don't know what to do, so any help would be really really appreciated, even if it's just reassurance that other people are in the same position.

Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

Reply 1

generalebriety

Anonymous

I'm not really sure exactly what to ask, but basically how can I make him see that he needs to focus and work in a linear fashion and focus on things he isn't interested in without making it sound like he's failed at stuff (he gets enough of that from his parents) I've looked up adult ADD and he seems to match most of the indicators but I don't know where to go from there as all the self help tips like lists he refuses to listen to. I love him to pieces and don't want to hurt him, but don't know how to make him see the real world. He can't seem to focus and get on with things unless he is interested and laughs at me when I point out that most people don't find their whole jobs interesting like he will find one. He's flunked out of 2 courses and one job because of this and in combination with his disorganisation it's a nightmare. I feel completely against a brick wall and don't know what to do, so any help would be really really appreciated, even if it's just reassurance that other people are in the same position.

You can't.

Sorry, but if he's like that, he's like that naturally. He may have dyspraxia or ADHD or anything which doesn't allow him to concentrate for very long. I know I don't suffer from anything like that and yet if I don't care about something (and the number of things I care about is minimal), I can't focus on it. It's not a case of "can't be bothered". I actually feel unable to focus on it. Focusing on the thing in question would make me irritable, and if it was a passage to read or something it'd take me much longer to read than anything else would. I may even start to feel annoyed or depressed. To be honest, it sounds like your boyfriend is similar. Don't push him into doing things he doesn't want to do - curious as this may sound, he might be heading on the right track to a life he enjoys rather than one his parents/teachers/tutors have forced him into thinking he enjoys. Maybe that's why he gets annoyed when you mention it - he's probably had that all his life and knows about it himself, but can't change it.

Not that it's a bad thing, of course - I bet if your boyfriend found something he was interested in, he wouldn't let it go.

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