Hi guys, i really need your advice, sorry for the long message, have so much to let off my chest and would be so grateful for your time and help if you can,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months now. Him and his ex broke up last summer and were together for 2 years and he took 6 months to get her to go out with him. For the first 2 months of our relationship, every day there would be some kind of opportunity during conversation for my boyfriend to mention his ex. whether it was me mentioning something random in conversation that would remind him of an experience he had with his ex or her family or him just randomly thinking of something, she would come up at least 1ce, 2ce a day. He would compare me to her regularly, always saying i was better but again her name coming up, with a sort of bitterness. I have never been a jealous or insecure person but i can't help this feeling. I told him how i felt and how this behavior cant help but make me feel like he still has feeling for her but he reasoned with saying "I give you so much love and affection, how could you think that?" and "she was my best friend we were together for a long time and is the only thing in my recent history, so most of my memory are with her so that's why she pops up, i have no feelings for her, your the best thing I've ever had". This is not all that has happened.. I found her bra in his suitcase that he got round to throwing away. He had a sex toy in his wardrobe that she bought for him since she was a virgin till marriage and wanted him to use to use instead which he was pretty unwilling to throw away since it was "expenisive" and took till only a couple of months ago to throw away when i made a hassle. I used a top which i thought was his several times until he made the revelation that it was hers and she gave it to him and he didn't think of it as weird. He had a mug and mouse pad with a couples photo of both of them printed on them, and refused to throw these away until recently because it was a photo of them at his prom and he wanted to keep the memory. He had photos of her and him all over his laptop, im talking hundreds, photos of them all in his phone and all on his Facebook, he was difficult about deleting them, as he doesn't want to delete his memory of his past, not because of feelings of her but cause he wants to keep his past and because hes in some of the photos too. He had some valentines cards of hers in his suitcase. Her nighty in his suitcase also. He brought these all to uni, even though they broke up months before uni which she gave him incase one day they got back together and he did not immediately throw them away, until i got upset. After me getting very upset about this all, he doesnt talk about her much. 2 months ago a guy from his school put a profile of him and my boyfriends ex, he just had to show me and talk about how he heard from his best friend that this guy is trying to get with his ex and that the guy has no chance. Why should he care at all? My boyfriend and his ex are not on speaking terms, she blocked him from her facebook and will not talk to him. Admittedly recently before we got together, his ex did try to get back together with my boyfriend but he turned her down as she was pretty abusive to him and he messed things up with her. Now i don't want to miss out that he is very loving to me and caring and i've never had someone treat me so well. He is bringing me to meet his perants soon (they are living in another country) and he brought me to meet his best friend yesterday (he came to visit from another country also) so i know i am important to him. He said to his friend that he has never had real love like what i have given to him but heres the thing. His best friend said "guess who invited me on facebook to a house party?", my boyfriend guessed a few names but then his friend said it was my boyfriends ex, my boyfriend said "but it isnt her birthday, what for?" and his friend said it was just a house warming thing. Fair enough. Normal question to ask, casual. We moved onto other conversation and then my boyfriend brought up the house party topic again with questions about who was going, where it was based, who she was hosting with, was she bringing this or that friend. and i'm just there totally excluded. Why show so much interest? He said it was just because he is naturally a very curious person, which he is, but idk, i can't help but have this feeling of insecurity come back.. Earlier that day i said i really like this name, lets say for example "jenna" and he said "oh that rythms with emma" (in this eg, his ex's name is emma). why would she naturally come to his mind? Me and my boyfreind are moving into a house for uni next year together and he is living with my family and me this summer, things are pretty serious. He says he loves me way more than he loved his ex, am i wrong to have this insecurity or do i have reason? what should i do? I really love him and this hurts so much
Is my boyfriend over his ex? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 27-07-2014 16:29
- 27-07-2014 17:02
Your post makes me cry, please learn to use paragraphs.
For one, responses on this block will be minimal unless you learn, or at least do a TL;DR at the end.
Anyway, It's hard because yes he quite clearly has something left unresolved. He sounds very bitter it ended, and I would hazard you got together not long after?
I know a couple who were official within 2 weeks of his nasty breakup, and now their relationship has broken down due to unresolved feelings.
Similar to a rebound, but I don't want to call these situations as such.
My ****ing ex was also hung up on his ex - also comparing, being depressed, bringing her up a lot. It was very annoying, and I noticed as well as others. But he did get over it.
TBH if you are determined to make it work and so is he then you can do the same, it just takes some patience and yes encouragement to get rid of reminders.
- 27-07-2014 18:44
It is difficult because a 2 year plus relationship is quite a long one, and I don't think mentioning her etc is that weird considering. Certainly there are times when I still mention my ex's to people because I am talking about something that happened during those years. She is part of his past so of course he is going to have pictures and stuff too, and tbh if someone told me to delete stuff off facebook I'd tell then to go stick it somewhere.
However, the other stuff you have said (him still having her stuff etc etc) is a bit of a worry.
But as with nearly all TSR relationship threads, just talk to him! I bet he doesn't realise that it affects you as much as you have said it does. He isn't a mind reader.