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Depressed about my sex life... Watch

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    It isn't only my sex life that gets me down, but it is a massive factor for sure.

    Coming on to this you probably thought, oh here we go, another anti-social virgin to can't pull the females. Well I really wish that was the case, I truly do, at least I could be normal then. Not the ****ing abomination that I am...tears in my eyes writing this.

    For some ****ing reason, I have no idea why, I'm not aroused by the things I should me, which in my case should be having sex with females.

    I identify myself as bisexual, I'm attracted to females, males not so much but willing to have se with some (not often though), I'm also not romantically attracted to males, so a relationship is not possible. To me it just doesn't feel right. So what's the problem? Just go for women right?

    Well no, that is the problem actually.

    For example this year alone I've had numerous chances to have se with women, in most cases I've gotten as far as the bed room, so it isn't a problem in that field. It is my actual sexual arousal that causes the problem.

    I have become increasingly masochist since puberty, in a nut shell it is basically a sexual kick from being humiliated/dominated...****ing depressing right? I do have sadist traits as well, but they aren't as my masochist desires.

    I can't seem to be able to have normal sex. I mean not like I should be able to anyway, I'd really have to force it for example, or think of other things completely unrelated.

    People may say 'well find someone like you to have a relationship with'. Sadly is isn't that easy, for starters, there aren't many attractive people my age who are also single and close by, on top of that most females are tend to be masochist anyway. Also most people I've seen online aren't particularly attractive either, plus you come across a lot of ****ing creeps.

    I've ****ing depressed with what I am. I wish I could even just be gay, I hate the idea of a relationship with a male, but if I could be happy with that it would be ****ing great, I guess I'm just simply not gay enough.

    I have no idea what to do. I hoped that it could have been a porn addiction, but I've had these types of desires even before my teenage years. Though I guess there is still a possibility that it is porn addiction, I have no idea really, maybe I'm just in denial about it all.

    The thing is, I'm a proud man, I really am, and I think that is why I ****ing hate these desires, they simply don't match my persona. That is why they depress me. Even if I did find someone to be with, I would still be depressed about it. I would be reminded with a pathetic feeling every time I had sex.Too long I've seen relationships crumble in my hands, with only myself knowing the true reason why...it is ****ing depressing is what it is...
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    If anyone has any advice at all it would be a massive help
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    Firstly, there is nothing wrong with this. Yes it is difficult to come to terms with as there is the worry of being seen as violent, a creep, a weirdo, etc. But the important distinction is that these are fantasies that you want to act out in a consenting environment. Most people who are drawn to BDSM are perfectly nice people with normal jobs and normal lives - the only difference being that for whatever reason they are more sexually aroused by aggression than by intimacy. But you only have to look at the explosion in popularity of BSDM themed erotica - 50 Shades of Grey etc - to see that there are far more similar people out there than anybody admits to. The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon in particular was mostly led by women, so this is not a male-only thing.

    Unfortunately not many women would admit to that in the early stages of a relationship - but without getting through the early stages of a relationship you might never find the woman who turns out to share your fantasies. Does fantasising during sex help at all? There's no shame in turning to your imagination to help you along at first with a new partner (or indeed on a one-off...) - should the relationship go further you could then start to discuss if there's anything they'd be comfortable acting out with you and let it go from there.

    If your imagination isn't enough you could try to look for somebody who shares your interests online, but it seems from what you've said that you've already tried that and don't fancy it.

    The important thing is to accept this is what you like and this is what many people like - there's no shame in that. Then decide what you want - do you want a relationship in which there's hopefully a place for BDSM, do you just want the sex with no relationship, or do you feel like you don't enjoy being with another person at all? One problem for men especially, who have generally pleasured themselves hundreds/thousands of times by the time they come to have sex with a woman, is that it's an entirely different experience and that can be disconcerting. Real sex is often a lot more mundane than porn, you're conscious the person in front of you is a real person who has an opinion of you, and it can be difficult to really let yourself go in the same way. But without it you don't get the intimacy, the romantic relationship, and the opportunity to discover that person who might share your fantasies.

    In short, (1) don't be depressed about something that is normal and (2) next time you have the opportunity to take it further with someone, go for it, see how it goes, use your imagination if necessary, if it doesn't work out then at least you'll have learnt a little more about what you like/don't like.
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    I don't know how old you are OP but there are lots of societies and social clubs for people who are kinky. Fetlife being a good one I know plenty of lovely people on there with a huge range of kinks although I wouldnt consider myself quite kinky enough to join myself.
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    (Original post by bestofyou)
    If anyone has any advice at all it would be a massive help
    I know how you feel bestofyou, it may lead to porn addiction if you don't help your self out on that problem, it will cause more problem than you expected, you can help your self the way I help mine, just visit this site greatnessahead.com and I know there's a lot of program that can help you there.
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    It is quite normal to have different sorts of desires for men and women, even if you are bisexual. Have a look for the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and see what numbers you come up with - there's no "right" or "best" answer, but it can help you with thinking about where you are and where you would like to be.

    Fetlife has its issues (try raising concerns about abuse on it..) but just as a 'I'm not alone in this' thing, it is well worth a look.

    What moutonfou said and ignore the anti-masturbation one.
 
 
 
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