Have I loved this guy ever since I was 12?

To Mods: Please keep this anon as it is far too embarrassing.

I used to attend a youth club after school (sort of by force by my parents) and I used to really enjoy it at the beginning. I was 12 at the time. I made a handful of friends whose company I quite enjoyed. However, there was this guy who was (well still is) 5 years older than me and so was 17yrs at the time. You could say that it was love at first sight because I stopped him first whilst he was talking to his friends and I couldn't even see his face but I was hooked! It was as if there was a magnetic force pulling me towards him, I just couldn't take my eyes of his amazingly curly hair.

Fast forward a couple of weeks of me being in the club and he finally spotted me. His eyes would always look in my direction and whenever I looked in his, he would just stare at me with an intense gaze which always made me look away instantly. I could never completely maintain eye contact for more than a second with him. It was well bizzarre. He started to whisper to his friends whilst looking in my direction and it was obvs that he was talking about me. Used to do stupid stuff like close the door (with locks) so that I couldn't enter until I spoke to him. I never did! I just couldn't ever utter a single word at him; no matter how hard I tried. I used to ****ing day dream about this douchebag for hours!

This is when it gets really bad. Most of the girls in the club lusted over his ass for years before I showed up and absolutely hated my guts. They refused to converse with and really made it blatently obvious that they disliked me. I had no problem with that tbh because jely chicks be crazy at times and I didn't wanna get stabbed so I kinda stepped back.

The guy hinted and hinted that he liked me. I, on the other hand, made sure not to ever let him know how I feel. The first reason being that I can;t date because of my religion and the second being the fact that I was just a innocent/naive 12 year old girl. All I wanted really was some sweets.

Fast forward 4 years, I quit the damn club when I started my A2 and he quite a year before me. I sometimes bump into him on the street (He says Hi to my sisters but not me lol- probably assumes that I wouldn't reply back, which fyi I wouldn't).

You may ask, now what the hell is the problem?! I live in a small community where everyone knows one another. They all pretty much know that he liked me (including my mum I think! Never dared to ask her) and I can't help but feel that it is HIS fault for making these girls hate me so much. I can't help but feel that if HE didn't like me, yes I would have been upset a bit, but I think that I could have had become lifelong friends with some of these girls. The same way in which he has livelong friends from the club whereby they all go on holiday. FFS I sound like a effing jealous bitch, but the fact of the matter is that he took my innocence away when I was TWELVE and he was SEVENTEEN! He was wolf whistling, calling my name when I was with all the girls, bloody raping me with his eyes. Did I like it? The attention? A bit, he was really good looking. Would I much rather I just played like the child I was? HELL YEA.

This rant is sort of over. I am just sad that I partly blame him for the above reason and also that I am yet to find anyone I have the EXACT or similar feelings for. Other crushes usually last for about two months max. This one last(ed?) for 7 years. I just feel so confused and really wished that I could give him my peace of mind, but I just can't.
First reason being that due to me living in such a small community my parents will defo find out. Secondly, I just don't want to let him know how screwed up I have become.

I honestly wouldn't wish this upon any twelve year old. If I could do it all over again, I would defo tell him to leave me F alone. Don't matter if he was a pretty boy or not.

TSR please help me. Don't know with what or how but please do.

I can't be arsed reading this, but you should know yourself surely? Only you know if you love someone.

I feel much better now. Err why does the above not have "Thread starter" next to it?

You sound a bit mad tbh.

To mods: WTH is happening? Lolz. Screw this. No one is gonna read the above anyways.

My mind is one big old ****ing mess, so no I don't.