The Student Room Group

Sorry, another guy problem!

I've been going out with my bf for approx 2 years now. He is the first guy i've ever had feelings for. However, about 12 months ago my mum kicked up a fuss about him and told me she didn't like him, didn't think he was suitable and tried to stop us seeing each other etc etc.

Since then, me and my bf have been meeting secretly, and generally we have come apart (where by i mean we hardly see each other). We only see each other about once a fortnight. He still feels strongly for me (i think), and i genuingly feel the same for him (just maybe not as much).

I can undersand where my mum is coming from because looking at it in a long term, he probably isn't right for me as he is academically not clever, and with the way things are going career wise now, probably will never get a proper job.

I've now started having a crush on another guy who feels the same way about me. I explained the situation to him about my bf and I.

I'm now stuck in a situation of what to do. Dump my bf seeing as my mum will never appreciate him or just carry on with my bf, cause the thing is, i want to loose my virginity with my current bf!

Help!!

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Decide which boyfriend you want and dump the other. And tell your mum to **** off.
Reply 2
Why does someones academic ability have anything to do with your feels.

I'f you love him stay with him, if you don't love him then dump him

P.S My boyfriend is not really acedemic, only having his IGCSE's. I'm going for a degree in business management. Doesn't mean we are not suited though
Reply 3
Why do you want to lose your virginity to your current boyfriend? You don't sound very keen on him overall so I can't see the logic here.

Your virginity shouldn't come into it. Just decide who you want to be with and take it from there.
Reply 4
Yeah, I agree with above posters. If you have to try to think about it, its probably best not to lose your virginity right now. Decide which one you like and have fun. When your ready then do it.
Reply 5
I am just guessing but is your boyfriend older than you? With regards to losing your virginity if you were to lose it and then you stopped seeing him it could really hurt you, people do just drift apart and if there is no way your mum would come round to the idea of you seeing this guy,well i can see why its difficult. I dont want to encourage you to lie to your mum but could you re introduce your boyfriend as a friend? My mum really hated this guy I knew, so when we started going out but my mum just thought we were friends. its only now 4 years later that she knows we went out. my main point is that if you don't know how you feel about him you are probably not ready to sleep with him.Another option would be to tell another family member that you still see your boyfiend and ask them to speak to your mum? hope this helps.. good luck
Reply 6
Thanks for your replies :smile:

In addition, i have met a few times with the guy who fancies me (and who i fancy back). Nothing physical happened (we didn't kiss each other or anything). Thing is, i feel really bad towards my bf for meeting with this guy and not telling him, so i've decided i'm going to be honest tell him, but i'm really not sure how to do it. Any suggestions?
Reply 7
I think you should dump your current boyfriend, because:
1. You shouldn't be having to ask yourself if you should or not if you really were into him.
2. You only see each other once a fortnight? Why? Do you live far away from each other or something?
Reply 8
Anonymous


In addition, i have met a few times with the guy who fancies me (and who i fancy back). Nothing physical happened (we didn't kiss each other or anything). Thing is, i feel really bad towards my bf for meeting with this guy and not telling him, so i've decided i'm going to be honest tell him, but i'm really not sure how to do it. Any suggestions?


If i was in that situation i would probably say to him in advance over the phone that i wanted to talk and tell him something(then he will be prepared)
When you see him just say that you are not happy with things, you are drifting apart and it is not what you want (see if he jumps in and says he will try harder-if not he is prob not bothered)
Then say that you have been talking to someone else and met him, and you fee there could be something there which is missing in your current relationship. (his face will tell you everything)

As for your mother, tell her this is your life and you boyfriend is who you choose, you gotta understnad she wont want you to grow up, become a "lady" and start having sex all over the place, reassure her you are not going to (white lies dont hurt!) and say you are seeking freindship in a boy and want to share things with him, tell her if she cant see beyond his job situation or whatever then she is being very hurtful to you.


Sorry for the ramble there, hope things get sorted out for you :smile:
I feel sorry for you boyfriend, it's not really fair you are secretly linking up with this new guy who you are thinking about in a non friend way.
Reply 10
Anonymous
I feel sorry for you boyfriend, it's not really fair you are secretly linking up with this new guy who you are thinking about in a non friend way.


I know Anon 2, which is why i am going to tell him :smile:

Thanks everyone
Reply 11
Flememeningo
I think you should dump your current boyfriend, because:
1. You shouldn't be having to ask yourself if you should or not if you really were into him.
2. You only see each other once a fortnight? Why? Do you live far away from each other or something?


No, we don't live that far away at all. We hardly see each other cause my mum won't let me. If iever meet my boyfriend, i always get so worried when my mum returns home thinking she might have found out i met him.
Reply 12
Thanks guys.
Well just because your current boyfriend didn't do well academically does not mean he is not intelligent, ask for your mom, well to be honest your old enough to know now what you want and i would say if you still want your current boyfriend there is nothing stopping you, i'm wondering if your mother has even bothered trying to get along with him.

But if you do decide you want this other guy least end it first with your current boyfriend but trust me he will be devestated, you got to remember though how would you feel if it was your boyfriend secretly chasing another girl.
Reply 14
Carl1982
Well just because your current boyfriend didn't do well academically does not mean he is not intelligent, ask for your mom, well to be honest your old enough to know now what you want and i would say if you still want your current boyfriend there is nothing stopping you, i'm wondering if your mother has even bothered trying to get along with him.

But if you do decide you want this other guy least end it first with your current boyfriend but trust me he will be devestated, you got to remember though how would you feel if it was your boyfriend secretly chasing another girl.


I know how it would feel if it was the other way round, which is why i want to do something about it. As someone else said in their reply, what i have got with this guy is missing from what me and my bf have got. I'm not allowed to see my bf, and i'm getting fed up with having to creep around meeting him. When i meet my bf, its a case of standing in the corner of a car park, out the way just in case someone my mum knows should see me with him and tell her, cause i'd get into so much trouble. And i can't stick up for myself with my mum. Everyone else i can, but not her! :frown:
Reply 15
your mum has no right to stop you seeing your boyfriend? well i guess it depends how old you are. but if you're older than about 15 she cant really tell you who to go out with! shes got a right to give her opinion, but to try and stop you seeing him? thats awful!

you need to work out which guy you want, and end things with the other guy. and stop seeing your bf in secret just cos your mum doesnt like him! thats her problem. your bf is being very good to put up with all this i think.
Reply 16
theflcgal
your mum has no right to stop you seeing your boyfriend? well i guess it depends how old you are. but if you're older than about 15 she cant really tell you who to go out with! shes got a right to give her opinion, but to try and stop you seeing him? thats awful!

you need to work out which guy you want, and end things with the other guy. and stop seeing your bf in secret just cos your mum doesnt like him! thats her problem. your bf is being very good to put up with all this i think.


Yes your right, my bf has put up with this incredably well. It is really starting to get to him at the moment. I am nearly 18 and my bf is 18 and we have been dating since I was 15 and him 16. Nearly 2 years. My mum didn't mind him to start with, its when he failed to get onto his second year of college that she believed he was a waste of space and time and didn't want me seeing him. All she says to me is "marry a millionaire", and it really pisses me off! I want a guy for his personality, not how much money he's got.
Reply 17
Anonymous
Yes your right, my bf has put up with this incredably well. It is really starting to get to him at the moment. I am nearly 18 and my bf is 18 and we have been dating since I was 15 and him 16. Nearly 2 years. My mum didn't mind him to start with, its when he failed to get onto his second year of college that she believed he was a waste of space and time and didn't want me seeing him. All she says to me is "marry a millionaire", and it really pisses me off! I want a guy for his personality, not how much money he's got.


thats not really very good advice if she tells you to marry a millionaire! it wont make you happy.

if its on intelligence issues, i know what she means though. my last boyfriend was really lovely and i love him very much, but there was a fairly big intellectual gap. it was fine for dating him (for 1 year 3 months), but im not sure if it would have worked well if we'd spent the rest of our lives together. i can see why maybe your mum is worried that you're going to commit yourself to a guy that wont be right for you in the long run, however maybe he is! relationships can work even though you're of different intelligences. its probably harder, but doesnt mean it work wont! and anyway, if you're 18, you're probably not thinking of marriage quite yet anyway. i think you need to chat to your mum and tell you that you appreciate her advice, but you're old enough to make your own decisions, and that you really love your bf.
Reply 18
i also think you need to really really make sure your bf knows that you know its been difficult for him and that you really appreciate him sticking with you through this. and that you're really sorry hes had to put up with it etc etc. sounds like you've got a good guy who really loves you! not many guys could put up with that.
Reply 19
theflcgal
thats not really very good advice if she tells you to marry a millionaire! it wont make you happy.

if its on intelligence issues, i know what she means though. my last boyfriend was really lovely and i love him very much, but there was a fairly big intellectual gap. it was fine for dating him (for 1 year 3 months), but im not sure if it would have worked well if we'd spent the rest of our lives together. i can see why maybe your mum is worried that you're going to commit yourself to a guy that wont be right for you in the long run, however maybe he is! relationships can work even though you're of different intelligences. its probably harder, but doesnt mean it work wont! and anyway, if you're 18, you're probably not thinking of marriage quite yet anyway. i think you need to chat to your mum and tell you that you appreciate her advice, but you're old enough to make your own decisions, and that you really love your bf.


This is exactly the thing - however lovely a guy he is, he isn't very clever at all to put it blunty. When we were talking on the phone once, I don't know how it came up in converstaion, but he wasn't completely sure of the order of the months of the year. I asked him to start from the beginning and say each one in turn. He got them all right, except for leaving January out, but each one he had to think of!! I think its a bit unusual for a 18 yr old not to know the months of the year correctly. Which is why i agree with my mum where he might not be right for me in the long term due to this Quote "intellectual gap". He will find it very difficult getting a job. My and my bf always said though we would stay friends even if we were to split for whatever reason. So what do you guys think?