Leaving my boyfriend for uni...

Hi all,

I know this is gonna sound really pathetic but I'm leaving for uni in September and I am so frightened. I've just finished a GAP year having completely screwed up my A Levels last year. I've been to France, retaken my grades and got into a uni with a great course that I'll love. However, right now I'm really happy at home - I spend loads of time with my boyfriend and I'm really serious about him. I just can't imagine what life is gonna be like without him. When we got together he was at uni but he's finished now, and while he was there it was difficult for me but we weren't too serious back then so it wasn't a problem. Now it's gonna be completely different though - I know he's happy for me that I'm going but he'd apprehensive too and I think he's really worried I'll cheat, just as I'm worried he will. Plus he's not sure what he wants to do career wise and it's really getting him down - I'm just not sure how he'll be when I'm not around and whether it's realistic to try and keep things going or not. Am I being naive? Has anybody else managed to keep things going with their boy/girlfriend whilst at uni. I know I'll meet loads of people and have a wicked time but I want him to be part of that too, even though he'd a little unsure about it....I'm really depressed about it at the mo and could really do with some advice from someone who's not my mother....

Help!!!

PS. Sorry for lack of paragraphs and ramble...

Reply 1

username47781

20

It is very possible to survive uni being away from your boyfriend, i have managed it my girlfriend was 150 miles away in Sheffield and we survived it, if you really love each other you can do it as long as you work at it, plus it makes the next time you see him more special.

Reply 2

philippa03

3

hey, I'm in the stage about worrying about it. I'm just about to go on my gap year and my boyfriend is going to uni this year. We're taking the attitude of 'see how it goes'. I really hope we last but if don't then maybe we werne't strong enough. As if this year wasn't hard enough we're going to be about 500 or more miles away (my geography is rubbish) basically he'll be in scotland and i'll be in southern england. At the moment i'm trying to just think of the time we will see each other and the time before he goes away. I think msn and webcam will help!
deary me, if ony life was more simple

Reply 3

mousey

2

All i can say is, i've got through a year of it so far, but it's not gor everyone. xx

Reply 4

bouncy

4

I guess you'll have to see how it goes. Do you normally worry about your boyfriend cheating? If not, then why mistrust him now? Hope it all works out!

Reply 5

JamieInPompey

6

im ending it with my gf sometime just before I go I told her I would end it when I go to uni, but it is still going to be hard

Reply 6

m.a.y.a

when you do leave for uni i really don't think you should leave on a bad note where BOTH of you are expecting each other to cheat, why so negative? if anything he's more likely to miss you so much and visit you more often unless you're movin 100 + miles away from him.

i agree on phillipa's approach don't commit to each other too much yet, see how things go, and see what your relationship is like from a distance.

Reply 7

Dinendal Leralonde

1

It is very possible to stay together and keep it working. I know what I'm about to tell you is not the same situation, but it's kind of relevant.

A friend of mine lives in Ashby, in Leicestershire. He doesnt go Uni, but is holding two jobs (I'm not quite sure why). He went to the Green Day gig at Milton Keynes, and met a girl there, who, I believe, lives in London or somewhere around there, and ever since, they've been going strong, even with her going over to Spain sometimes to be with family, and I think she might be going to Uni this year too. If they can do it in that situation, then I think that maybe you'll be able to do it as well.

Reply 8

Holliver!

I'm in rougly the same position at the moment. Luckily, I'll be in Leeds and my boyfriend will be in Durham so it's not too bad a journey on the train. We had a chat about what to do the other night and I think we're going to try and give it a go, as it just doesnt seem right to end it yet. And i'd find it easier to try and then later split up knowing that it simply wont work and for the relationship to come to a natural end rather than to say, right this is the day we're going to break up before uni. But I guess you have to decide whichever is right for you. Naturally both of us have concerns about the other cheating, but I figure that if you make that commitment to stay together, trust has to be part of it.

Reply 9

Roberto Tomato

I don't want to come across as defeatist, but it is unlikely that your relationship will last. I know some long relationships survive, but there is a strong temptation for you stray while you are away and staying in to talk to him/ visiting him at weekends will isolate you socially.

University is supposed to be the best years of your life, don't ruin them fretting over whether your boyfriend will stay faithful.

I suggest you split up and keep in contact and if it is meant to be, you two will get back together after university. Then, that way with you two don't get back together, you haven't the best wasted 3 years of your life missing out clinging to a relationship that would fail anyway.

Reply 10

username47781

20

JamieInPompey

im ending it with my gf sometime just before I go I told her I would end it when I go to uni, but it is still going to be hard

No offence but if your gonna end a relationship do not wait till you go to university, if your going to split up do it immediately.

Reply 11

squigaletta

Carl1982

No offence but if your gonna end a relationship do not wait till you go to university, if your going to split up do it immediately.

i think if they both know its going to end then you dont have to end it immediately. i dont see anything wrong with enjoying the time you have left as long as your not leading anyone along. wouldnt do for me but i kno it works for some people

Reply 12

dyslexic_banana

1

I've never understood why questions such as this even arise; so what if you won't be able to see each other as much? If you love each other, then surely such a prospect should seem brighter than never seeing each other at all, in such a capacity as you have been doing? And surely you can trust each other, if it's a good relationship? Contrary to what others have said, I also don't see why it would lead to you missing out on anything, at university; well, unless your idea of fun is sleeping around during Freshers etc etc; there's plenty more to university than that.

Then again, I'm used to being single 99% of the time, so I speak from the perspective of someone who finds it hard to get partners, and hence wouldn't be too fussy as regards how much I saw a partner (anything's better than nothing, and beggars can't be choosers etc etc), and wouldn't see myself suddenly meeting someone else, if away from a partner at university; I still think that what I've said should hold true, though; people make it work, so so should you be able to.

Reply 13

username47781

20

squigaletta

i think if they both know its going to end then you dont have to end it immediately. i dont see anything wrong with enjoying the time you have left as long as your not leading anyone along. wouldnt do for me but i kno it works for some people

But surely it makes it harder to then break it, as you will surely become more emotionally attatched, i don't know about everyone else, but it seems a horrible feeling knowing you will break up anyway. (obviously i am in no way having a dig at your point)

Reply 14

RadioElectric

2

Carl1982

But surely it makes it harder to then break it, as you will surely become more emotionally attatched, i don't know about everyone else, but it seems a horrible feeling knowing you will break up anyway. (obviously i am in no way having a dig at your point)

It all depends on the way that you look at relationships.

There's the one view that two people are right for each other and can only be happy together. This is the old "partner for life", "marry young and die old together" view. These are people who chose to live their lives like a slow ballroom dance with one partner.

Alternatively, there's the more realistic view, that most people in our world today act by even if they don't acknowledge it. This is more similar to that dance where you link arms with one partner, dance around one another and then move onto the next, I think it's called a square dance. In this view, you spend time with different partners so long as it feels comfortable, learning from each other and enriching each others lives so long as it works out. When the relationship gets unworkable then you move onto the next partner. This doesn't mean being a swinger, and it doesn't mean never settling down and starting a family, it just means taking an attitude towards relationships that doesn't make people miserable so often.

I've already dealt with the uni-distance problem once, but that was with a relationship that was already dying. We had been going out for 2 years, then she had to go to uni in Cardiff. The relationship was already on the rocks when she went, I'm not going to explain why, we stayed together until the february after she went. I even went down to see her twice, but funnily enough when I did see her it only made the relationship worse. It wasn't hard to break up with her, and I'm really glad I did it when I did. If I hadn't done it I would have ended up hating her, whereas now we're really good friends. The relationship has changed, but it actually means that we can be much more honest with each other. It's a really strange kind of friend to have, and sometimes it is awkward, a lot of people are surprised that we still get along but things are great. We've both moved on now and we're both happy for each other, even though we were a little worried about telling each other about our new partners at first.

However, now I have a wonderful new girlfriend I face going away to university myself. This time however, my leaving has always been in mind, and it is a frequent topic of conversation. The way I HAVE to look at it is that if there's two people who are good for each other, and who can enrich each other's lives then they may as well take the time that they can get.

If you and your boyfriend are as serious as you say about each other, and he's not currently employed, then why wouldn't he try to get a job near you?

Reply 15

shavenwookiee

6

I'm just about to start my second year at uni. My girlfriend and I are just coming up to our second year of being together. And its all worked fine.

No-ones cheated on each other and we still love each other loads.

Whats the point in breaking up over a *potential* problem?

I had this decision and I'm glad I made the right choice.

Reply 16

Absinthe

1

I'm going to see how it goes with my boyfriend. If you think about it, when you go to university is there ever a good time to start a relationship? You might end up falling for someone in your halls or on your course and then splitting up and having it be awkward. For me, if I met someone at uni then it would wind up being long distance when I went home for the holidays.

If your relationship is relaxed and serious, and you are both mature about it, then I'm sure you can both manage to be faithful and stay together. In short: if you both want to, you can and you will.

Reply 17

RadioElectric

2

Absinthe

I'm going to see how it goes with my boyfriend. If you think about it, when you go to university is there ever a good time to start a relationship? You might end up falling for someone in your halls or on your course and then splitting up and having it be awkward. For me, if I met someone at uni then it would wind up being long distance when I went home for the holidays.

If your relationship is relaxed and serious, and you are both mature about it, then I'm sure you can both manage to be faithful and stay together. In short: if you both want to, you can and you will.

I agree with that entirely, but I will add that some problems that you have now that may be minor issues could blow up when your circumstances change.

Reply 18

wainwright

mousey

All i can say is, i've got through a year of it so far, but it's not gor everyone. xx

good to know :smile:

im staying with my boyfriend, i trust him completely and cant imagine my life without him, so there was never any question of a split even if i was going to uni in melbourne (as it happens im going to nottingham).

If you think you'd be happier as a free spirit at uni, maybe its best to break up. if theres gonna be trust issues you may not last long....

Reply 19

RadioElectric

2

wainwright

good to know :smile:

im staying with my boyfriend, i trust him completely and cant imagine my life without him, so there was never any question of a split even if i was going to uni in melbourne (as it happens im going to nottingham).

If you think you'd be happier as a free spirit at uni, maybe its best to break up. if theres gonna be trust issues you may not last long....

Some friends of mine went the "free spirit" route in a different way. They agreed to have casual relationships at uni but keep their serious relationship in the long term, getting back together during the breaks etc.

It lasted 3 days.

Leaving my boyfriend for uni...

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