Right before I even start writing, what i have in my head is alot. So I understand if people arn't bothered about reading it, I guess it might just help writing it down...Somehow.
I havent got a clue where to start. so ill just write all in what's in my mind. (excuse any errors with spelling)
To start with, i have issues. And i have tryed for the past god knows how long to sort them out. it all goes down to one thing, I think too much. i mean, WAY to much. And it comes out as jelously and gives me insecurities.
Im in a 15 month relationship. I guess you could say a farly strong one seen as we've helped him over come his Cancer whilst we have been together and that hasnt effected us, but what has effected us is me.
(this probally dosn't make any sense at the moment)
When we first started going out i felt AMAZING about my self. I had the boy EVERY one fancied at sixthform.Gorgeous, long hair, Amazing eyes, he had everyone falling at their feet, and when he said yes to going out with me my self confidence sky rocketed.
But now, its sunk to an all time low. I am so insecure i dont know what to do and im in tears over it everynight. All i can think about is him finding someone else because hes so great, and i feel like crap, like he deserves so much better and he could do better in every department (looks, Brains, Breasts...etc) and to top it off, not long after we started going out i asked about a girl he used to fancy, and i got "shes way out of my league" which made me feel like ****. As she is amazingly pretty, really really brainy and has HUGE breasts. (As u can tell i hate mine).
EVERYTHING makes me down. Jut the thought of him watching porn, Even when we are out, even if he just glances at another girl i want to cry.
And get this, this is how bad it is, He bought a plectrum with a mad the other day, and it has a women on it, even THAT made me mad.
I dont know how to stop it. I even get down when other girls comment him on myspace. When hes out because i think of him looking at other girls n wishing i looked like them.
I need to stop how i feel because its started to take its toll, he knows how i feel and he says he loves me and that im perfect and all he needs is me so why cant i believe him. Why am i like this? Ive never been cheated on, never cheated on anyone.
So why? I need to know how to stop all of this because its driving me mad, and what makes it worse is im going southend college next year and hes at sixth form where we live so we are going to be apart and he is going to be surrounded by all these girls.
Please dont give me any rude comments back, becuase i dont need to be hurt any more than im making my self feel now. And yes i know its my own fault but i need to know how to stop this