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    i started dating this guy a few months ago and at first everything seemed great, he's a nice guy, no problems, no red flags. ive dated a lot of horrible people in the past (cheated on etc) and spent some time out of relationships to focus on myself, so after all that time i thought by now id be ready again. however im not sure what to make of his behaviour..

    at first he wasnt like this, or at least if he was i didnt notice, but its like everything he does is so full on. he constantly says he "missed me" when we are together, rather than just saying it once, so i feel like im repeatedly replying "yes i missed you too". also, when there are silences, instead of just enjoying it and being comfortable, he'll stare at me or I can feel like looking at me, in a sort of "im waiting for you to talk" way.. if that makes sense. also if Im on my phone or doing something, instead of letting me do it, he's always looking over my shoulder or watching me, and will ask "what are you doing?" and i know that might not sound that bad, but doing that repeatedly becomes annoying. its like just give me my space and let me get on with things! (we dont even spend that much time together, once a week or so, so stuff like this annoying me seems wrong?)

    he also kinda follows me like a puppy, so im beginning to feel more like a mother to him than a gf... i cook all the food, and when im at his house, as uncomfortable as i feel using peoples kitchens, im pretty much left to have to take my own initiative and make food Ive bought, otherwise he isnt like "right ill make us something"... whereas at my house i make everything for him and I, because he's a guest so why wouldnt i...

    i know itll sound ungrateful moaning about someone being nice, but maybe its that hes too nice, hes not being confident or assertive but instead coming across as dependent and pawing at me constantly for attention. instead of just grabbing me and being dominant and initiating a kiss for example, he'll "paw" at me and be like "can i kiss you" "can i get a hug" and its like god damnit man just grow some balls!

    also after only 2 months he said "i love you" and i didnt say it back because it was way too soon and i dont think he really meant it, i think it was more of a "i think shes pulling away so i should definitely say this now", because afterwards he even said he doesnt know what youre meant to do in relationships and he thought he should just throw it out there, almost in a "i read in a relationship manual to say i love you after x amount of time" rather than saying it cos he meant it.

    a part of me kinda thinks hes maybe a bit autistic.. he acts a bit clueless and lost sometimes and doesnt really pick up on social cues. but it could just be extreme social awkwardness.

    if anyone has any advice, other than "break up with him", it would be helpful. i dont want to always be in charge and be the one wearing the trousers, why cant he just "man up" so to speak?


    TL;DR boyfriend is clingy and acts a bit dependent, follows me around and never takes control or initiative, is making me feel like his mum, said he loved me 2 months into relationship, we are both in our 20s.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i started dating this guy a few months ago and at first everything seemed great, he's a nice guy, no problems, no red flags. ive dated a lot of horrible people in the past (cheated on etc) and spent some time out of relationships to focus on myself, so after all that time i thought by now id be ready again. however im not sure what to make of his behaviour..

    at first he wasnt like this, or at least if he was i didnt notice, but its like everything he does is so full on. he constantly says he "missed me" when we are together, rather than just saying it once, so i feel like im repeatedly replying "yes i missed you too". also, when there are silences, instead of just enjoying it and being comfortable, he'll stare at me or I can feel like looking at me, in a sort of "im waiting for you to talk" way.. if that makes sense. also if Im on my phone or doing something, instead of letting me do it, he's always looking over my shoulder or watching me, and will ask "what are you doing?" and i know that might not sound that bad, but doing that repeatedly becomes annoying. its like just give me my space and let me get on with things! (we dont even spend that much time together, once a week or so, so stuff like this annoying me seems wrong?)

    he also kinda follows me like a puppy, so im beginning to feel more like a mother to him than a gf... i cook all the food, and when im at his house, as uncomfortable as i feel using peoples kitchens, im pretty much left to have to take my own initiative and make food Ive bought, otherwise he isnt like "right ill make us something"... whereas at my house i make everything for him and I, because he's a guest so why wouldnt i...

    i know itll sound ungrateful moaning about someone being nice, but maybe its that hes too nice, hes not being confident or assertive but instead coming across as dependent and pawing at me constantly for attention. instead of just grabbing me and being dominant and initiating a kiss for example, he'll "paw" at me and be like "can i kiss you" "can i get a hug" and its like god damnit man just grow some balls!

    also after only 2 months he said "i love you" and i didnt say it back because it was way too soon and i dont think he really meant it, i think it was more of a "i think shes pulling away so i should definitely say this now", because afterwards he even said he doesnt know what youre meant to do in relationships and he thought he should just throw it out there, almost in a "i read in a relationship manual to say i love you after x amount of time" rather than saying it cos he meant it.

    a part of me kinda thinks hes maybe a bit autistic.. he acts a bit clueless and lost sometimes and doesnt really pick up on social cues. but it could just be extreme social awkwardness.

    if anyone has any advice, other than "break up with him", it would be helpful. i dont want to always be in charge and be the one wearing the trousers, why cant he just "man up" so to speak?


    TL;DR boyfriend is clingy and acts a bit dependent, follows me around and never takes control or initiative, is making me feel like his mum, said he loved me 2 months into relationship, we are both in our 20s.
    Be honest with him. Some guys are dominant, others are dependent.
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    Tell him how you feel? Try to build on the positives in the relationship?
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    (Original post by ThePoet)
    Be honest with him. Some guys are dominant, others are dependent.
    yeah I have told him, but im worried that instead of being dominant, he's just gonna up the pawing and neediness, thinking thats the same as being dominant. he already gives 200%, its so intense, thats not the same as being assertive and leading the way :/
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    I must be really damn ugly if i'm single and this guy isn't.
    But yeah, tell him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    yeah I have told him, but im worried that instead of being dominant, he's just gonna up the pawing and neediness, thinking thats the same as being dominant. he already gives 200%, its so intense, thats not the same as being assertive and leading the way :/
    If you're not comfortable in the relationship, and he's not able conform to your requirements, break up with him. However harsh that sounds, it's not fair on you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i started dating this guy a few months ago and at first everything seemed great, he's a nice guy, no problems, no red flags. ive dated a lot of horrible people in the past (cheated on etc) and spent some time out of relationships to focus on myself, so after all that time i thought by now id be ready again. however im not sure what to make of his behaviour..

    at first he wasnt like this, or at least if he was i didnt notice, but its like everything he does is so full on. he constantly says he "missed me" when we are together, rather than just saying it once, so i feel like im repeatedly replying "yes i missed you too". also, when there are silences, instead of just enjoying it and being comfortable, he'll stare at me or I can feel like looking at me, in a sort of "im waiting for you to talk" way.. if that makes sense. also if Im on my phone or doing something, instead of letting me do it, he's always looking over my shoulder or watching me, and will ask "what are you doing?" and i know that might not sound that bad, but doing that repeatedly becomes annoying. its like just give me my space and let me get on with things! (we dont even spend that much time together, once a week or so, so stuff like this annoying me seems wrong?)

    he also kinda follows me like a puppy, so im beginning to feel more like a mother to him than a gf... i cook all the food, and when im at his house, as uncomfortable as i feel using peoples kitchens, im pretty much left to have to take my own initiative and make food Ive bought, otherwise he isnt like "right ill make us something"... whereas at my house i make everything for him and I, because he's a guest so why wouldnt i...

    i know itll sound ungrateful moaning about someone being nice, but maybe its that hes too nice, hes not being confident or assertive but instead coming across as dependent and pawing at me constantly for attention. instead of just grabbing me and being dominant and initiating a kiss for example, he'll "paw" at me and be like "can i kiss you" "can i get a hug" and its like god damnit man just grow some balls!

    also after only 2 months he said "i love you" and i didnt say it back because it was way too soon and i dont think he really meant it, i think it was more of a "i think shes pulling away so i should definitely say this now", because afterwards he even said he doesnt know what youre meant to do in relationships and he thought he should just throw it out there, almost in a "i read in a relationship manual to say i love you after x amount of time" rather than saying it cos he meant it.

    a part of me kinda thinks hes maybe a bit autistic.. he acts a bit clueless and lost sometimes and doesnt really pick up on social cues. but it could just be extreme social awkwardness.

    if anyone has any advice, other than "break up with him", it would be helpful. i dont want to always be in charge and be the one wearing the trousers, why cant he just "man up" so to speak?


    TL;DR boyfriend is clingy and acts a bit dependent, follows me around and never takes control or initiative, is making me feel like his mum, said he loved me 2 months into relationship, we are both in our 20s.
    I think you need to give him a bit of a break. Rather than be annoyed with him (which it seems you are a bit.) Guide him a bit, let him know what to do and what not to do. I'm saying this, because he even said he's not sure of what to do in a relationship. Just be patient with him.
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    (Original post by xmertic)
    I think you need to give him a bit of a break. Rather than be annoyed with him (which it seems you are a bit.) Guide him a bit, let him know what to do and what not to do. I'm saying this, because he even said he's not sure of what to do in a relationship. Just be patient with him.
    I understand what you mean, but if i guide him and tell him what to do, thats kinda defeating the purpose of wanting him to take control and initiative? i even said to him its kinda contradictory me *telling him* that I want him to take the lead. as much as i get what youre saying, i think guiding him too much might just make him more dependent on me? he might end up being in a state of "i dont know what to do, so ill just let her tell me" rather than just being himself and doing his own thing. its not that im mad at what he's doing, but rather at his lack of action. he wont even just take a seat in my house without me saying, he'll just stand there floating around in a sort of "what do i do" way... like he'll physically just stand behind me, waiting on a command and its like surely you cant be that helpless? even if youre new to relationships, you shouldnt be so scared to just do something or take control of yourself that you cant even take a seat or do something with yourself. so maybe that kinda shows how frustrating it is and why im so annoyed at him :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I understand what you mean, but if i guide him and tell him what to do, thats kinda defeating the purpose of wanting him to take control and initiative? i even said to him its kinda contradictory me *telling him* that I want him to take the lead. as much as i get what youre saying, i think guiding him too much might just make him more dependent on me? he might end up being in a state of "i dont know what to do, so ill just let her tell me" rather than just being himself and doing his own thing. its not that im mad at what he's doing, but rather at his lack of action. he wont even just take a seat in my house without me saying, he'll just stand there floating around in a sort of "what do i do" way... like he'll physically just stand behind me, waiting on a command and its like surely you cant be that helpless? even if youre new to relationships, you shouldnt be so scared to just do something or take control of yourself that you cant even take a seat or do something with yourself. so maybe that kinda shows how frustrating it is and why im so annoyed at him :/
    How else will he learn though?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i started dating this guy a few months ago and at first everything seemed great, he's a nice guy, no problems, no red flags. ive dated a lot of horrible people in the past (cheated on etc) and spent some time out of relationships to focus on myself, so after all that time i thought by now id be ready again. however im not sure what to make of his behaviour..

    at first he wasnt like this, or at least if he was i didnt notice, but its like everything he does is so full on. he constantly says he "missed me" when we are together, rather than just saying it once, so i feel like im repeatedly replying "yes i missed you too". also, when there are silences, instead of just enjoying it and being comfortable, he'll stare at me or I can feel like looking at me, in a sort of "im waiting for you to talk" way.. if that makes sense. also if Im on my phone or doing something, instead of letting me do it, he's always looking over my shoulder or watching me, and will ask "what are you doing?" and i know that might not sound that bad, but doing that repeatedly becomes annoying. its like just give me my space and let me get on with things! (we dont even spend that much time together, once a week or so, so stuff like this annoying me seems wrong?)

    he also kinda follows me like a puppy, so im beginning to feel more like a mother to him than a gf... i cook all the food, and when im at his house, as uncomfortable as i feel using peoples kitchens, im pretty much left to have to take my own initiative and make food Ive bought, otherwise he isnt like "right ill make us something"... whereas at my house i make everything for him and I, because he's a guest so why wouldnt i...

    i know itll sound ungrateful moaning about someone being nice, but maybe its that hes too nice, hes not being confident or assertive but instead coming across as dependent and pawing at me constantly for attention. instead of just grabbing me and being dominant and initiating a kiss for example, he'll "paw" at me and be like "can i kiss you" "can i get a hug" and its like god damnit man just grow some balls!

    also after only 2 months he said "i love you" and i didnt say it back because it was way too soon and i dont think he really meant it, i think it was more of a "i think shes pulling away so i should definitely say this now", because afterwards he even said he doesnt know what youre meant to do in relationships and he thought he should just throw it out there, almost in a "i read in a relationship manual to say i love you after x amount of time" rather than saying it cos he meant it.

    a part of me kinda thinks hes maybe a bit autistic.. he acts a bit clueless and lost sometimes and doesnt really pick up on social cues. but it could just be extreme social awkwardness.

    if anyone has any advice, other than "break up with him", it would be helpful. i dont want to always be in charge and be the one wearing the trousers, why cant he just "man up" so to speak?


    TL;DR boyfriend is clingy and acts a bit dependent, follows me around and never takes control or initiative, is making me feel like his mum, said he loved me 2 months into relationship, we are both in our 20s.
    I'm so glad you made a thread on this - I'm in exactly the same situation xx


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    (Original post by xmertic)
    How else will he learn though?
    I know, but saying to him to take the initiative should be enough for him to then think of things on his own? its not really about being dominant, more to just actually make the effort and stop following, take the lead instead. yeah maybe its easy just to follow along with stuff and not to speak up and be like "i wanna do this", but it gets tiring being on the receiving end. are you saying when youre with your friends you literally just stand, motionless and dont go anywhere or move without them saying "so.... lets walk this way yeah?" he shouldnt be so frozen. hes not on a leash!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know, but saying to him to take the initiative should be enough for him to then think of things on his own? its not really about being dominant, more to just actually make the effort and stop following, take the lead instead. yeah maybe its easy just to follow along with stuff and not to speak up and be like "i wanna do this", but it gets tiring being on the receiving end. are you saying when youre with your friends you literally just stand, motionless and dont go anywhere or move without them saying "so.... lets walk this way yeah?" he shouldnt be so frozen. hes not on a leash!
    How can he show initiative when he doesn't know what to do in a relationship? It all comes down to because he doesn't know what he should do. If you informed him, most of these issues would go away
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    (Original post by T1gga92)
    I'm so glad you made a thread on this - I'm in exactly the same situation xx


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    sorry to hear that, do you feel very frustrated and irritated easily by them? :/ im trying not to be so snappy but its getting to that point where being around him makes me feel so stressed and exhausted :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i

    at first he wasnt like this, or at least if he was i didnt notice, but its like everything he does is so full on. he constantly says he "missed me" when we are together, rather than just saying it once, so i feel like im repeatedly replying "yes i missed you too". also, when there are silences, instead of just enjoying it and being comfortable, he'll stare at me or I can feel like looking at me, in a sort of "im waiting for you to talk" way.. if that makes sense. also if Im on my phone or doing something, instead of letting me do it, he's always looking over my shoulder or watching me, and will ask "what are you doing?" and i know that might not sound that bad, but doing that repeatedly becomes annoying. its like just give me my space and let me get on with things! (we dont even spend that much time together, once a week or so, so stuff like this annoying me seems wrong?)

    he also kinda follows me like a puppy, so im beginning to feel more like a mother to him than a gf... i cook all the food, and when im at his house, as uncomfortable as i feel using peoples kitchens, im pretty much left to have to take my own initiative and make food Ive bought, otherwise he isnt like "right ill make us something"... whereas at my house i make everything for him and I, because he's a guest so why wouldnt i...

    i know itll sound ungrateful moaning about someone being nice, but maybe its that hes too nice, hes not being confident or assertive but instead coming across as dependent and pawing at me constantly for attention. instead of just grabbing me and being dominant and initiating a kiss for example, he'll "paw" at me and be like "can i kiss you" "can i get a hug" and its like god damnit man just grow some balls!


    .

    You say he can't act on social cues, but then I guess it's an on going joke that men can't take hints, so perhaps explain to him explicitly what you mean. And in general make your cues a lot less subtle.

    It seems to me that only seeing each other once a week is not a lot! Although it's still early in your relationship. Maybe he's constantly saying he's missed you as a hint that he wants to see you more, and asking you what you're doing on your phone etc as he thinks because you don't spend a lot of time together that all that time should be for focusing on each other. He's probably insecure as to who you're texting etc, and this is quite a normal thing in the first few years of a relationship.

    As for asking for a hug etc, it might be that he feels you're being distant and doesn't want to hug you if you don't want him to. Tell him every time he asks that he doesn't need to ask and make sure your body language mirror what you're saying (if you do want the hug, but if you say not right now or whatever, it will damage his confidence and he'll continue being like this.) If he doesn't get the message to stop asking, turn it into a joke: "No I won't give you a hug if you ask for it but you can take a hug when ever you want!!" but you don't want to send him the message that this applies to everything!! maybe just be grateful that he respects your feelings and boundaries enough to ask?

    You cooking the food that you bought to his house is the only thing I see wrong here!! Next time you go to his house don't bring anything and when it's nearly dinner time ask "what are we having for dinner?" if he doesn't have anything in say "haha, you shouldn't rely on me to bring you your dinner!" and suggest you go to the shop together or he orders you some take away. when it's time for HIM to cook, say you want to take a shower or something so you're not there to help!
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    (Original post by xmertic)
    How can he show initiative when he doesn't know what to do in a relationship? It all comes down to because he doesn't know what he should do. If you informed him, most of these issues would go away
    but at what point in life does ANYONE get told "this is what you do in relationships"? we dont! you just be yourself, hang around with a person, show affection and make the effort. there is no manual, no right or wrong, he would probably act the same way if we were friends, "what do you wanna do today?" "its up to you". no, its not always up to me, and i shouldnt have to state repeatedly "you make the choice" "you arrange the plans", how hard is it for him to just do that without being told it? i dont wait for my friends to text me saying "hey do you wanna make plans for us today" they dont have to ask me to do it, i just do it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    but at what point in life does ANYONE get told "this is what you do in relationships"? we dont! you just be yourself, hang around with a person, show affection and make the effort. there is no manual, no right or wrong, he would probably act the same way if we were friends, "what do you wanna do today?" "its up to you". no, its not always up to me, and i shouldnt have to state repeatedly "you make the choice" "you arrange the plans", how hard is it for him to just do that without being told it? i dont wait for my friends to text me saying "hey do you wanna make plans for us today" they dont have to ask me to do it, i just do it.
    You don't get told, you learn. You learn through experiences and if you can help him with this experience then he'll become a better boyfriend for you or for somebody else. Maybe next time, tell him it's up to him this time and say he needs to take more initiative. That way, he'll LEARN.
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    (Original post by Bobbi!)
    You say he can't act on social cues, but then I guess it's an on going joke that men can't take hints, so perhaps explain to him explicitly what you mean. And in general make your cues a lot less subtle.

    It seems to me that only seeing each other once a week is not a lot! Although it's still early in your relationship. Maybe he's constantly saying he's missed you as a hint that he wants to see you more, and asking you what you're doing on your phone etc as he thinks because you don't spend a lot of time together that all that time should be for focusing on each other. He's probably insecure as to who you're texting etc, and this is quite a normal thing in the first few years of a relationship.

    As for asking for a hug etc, it might be that he feels you're being distant and doesn't want to hug you if you don't want him to. Tell him every time he asks that he doesn't need to ask and make sure your body language mirror what you're saying (if you do want the hug, but if you say not right now or whatever, it will damage his confidence and he'll continue being like this.) If he doesn't get the message to stop asking, turn it into a joke: "No I won't give you a hug if you ask for it but you can take a hug when ever you want!!" but you don't want to send him the message that this applies to everything!! maybe just be grateful that he respects your feelings and boundaries enough to ask?

    You cooking the food that you bought to his house is the only thing I see wrong here!! Next time you go to his house don't bring anything and when it's nearly dinner time ask "what are we having for dinner?" if he doesn't have anything in say "haha, you shouldn't rely on me to bring you your dinner!" and suggest you go to the shop together or he orders you some take away. when it's time for HIM to cook, say you want to take a shower or something so you're not there to help!
    im not being subtle though, by not picking up on social cues i mean, ill try to think of an easy example, say he's at my house, he'll just stand in the middle of the room... and say im doing something or taking my shoes off or whatever, instead of taking a seat, he'll just stand there, watching what im doing, instead of 'making himself comfortable'. i know this might sound like nitpicking, but its like to me its a bit odd having to physically tell someone "you can have a seat" (hes been to my house many times so its not like hes worried hes doing something wrong or that..). its like if we go to his house, the door is at the kitchen and when i come in we'll greet each other, then he'll just stand there, and im like sooo will we go to your room then? and he's like oh yeah of course.. when if i didnt say that we would remain just standing, in the kitchen... o.O

    when i go on my phone itll simply be to respond to a text which shouldnt be ignored, like if a friend has asked about plans for the next day, ill just quickly reply and he'll be looking at the screen and it seems a bit invasive. when hes on his phone i dont feel the need to snoop. he also goes on his laptop in front of me to check emails or facebook, and i dont feel the need to ask "what are you doing?" i just let him get on with it. say you were waiting for an important email and everytime you just picked up you phone to glance at it, you got "what are you doing?" "what are you looking at?" eventually youd be like just stop being so nosy!

    his mum usually makes us all something, which is really nice of her and im grateful, but at home i make all my own food... (apart from if my mum or dads making a family meal once a week) so as bad as it might sound i think this might just come down to life experience and that despite his age he's still relying on his mum to make the meals, so basically whilst im like right im hungry now lets go cook something, instead he'll be like well mums making the food in 2 hours so lets wait for her to do that... also i pay for all my own stuff.. cos he doesnt have a job and i do so i think it would be unfair if i expected him to buy me things?

    its probably gonna sound bad but it just kinda seems to me like hes not that independent in general and its even more obvious in the relationship. we're in our 20s and its like ive got more life experience and i have a job and a car, whereas he has neither of these. im not saying its his fault or anything, of course not, but it feels like those material things make the "power imbalance" more obvious. me driving us everywhere, me paying for my own things, him never having any money, him getting his parents to give him lifts. its a bit like.. are you a mature, independent man, or are you still relying on everyone else to "look after" you a bit too much? :/
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    #1

    (Original post by xmertic)
    You don't get told, you learn. You learn through experiences and if you can help him with this experience then he'll become a better boyfriend for you or for somebody else. Maybe next time, tell him it's up to him this time and say he needs to take more initiative. That way, he'll LEARN.
    yeah, by telling him the basic "its your choice this time" then he has to make the actual choices, it wouldnt make sense telling him to decide and take control, just to then tell him what those decisions should be. i have to leave him alone to take that initiative himself. i can only give him a basic instruction so to speak. if i told him everything he has to do, that would defeat the purpose of letting him take charge.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    yeah, by telling him the basic "its your choice this time" then he has to make the actual choices, it wouldnt make sense telling him to decide and take control, just to then tell him what those decisions should be. i have to leave him alone to take that initiative himself. i can only give him a basic instruction so to speak. if i told him everything he has to do, that would defeat the purpose of letting him take charge.
    It would be most beneficial for you to do both.
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    (Original post by scotttb)
    I must be really damn ugly if i'm single and this guy isn't.
    But yeah, tell him.
    Isn't it?! You read so many posts like this about inadequate boyfriends, and there's me wondering where the hell did it all go wrong!?
 
 
 
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