Original post by paradoxicalmeI have made a compilation of conversations between universities that sums this all up.
Aberdeen: We're totes as good as Edinburgh! Yeah!
Edinburgh: Ewww, step away from us, plebs.
Aston: Birmingham is just like us! We're essentially Siamese twins that are joined at certain vital appendages. What do you think, big brother?
Birmingham: GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!!
Bangor: We're like Aberystwyth, except you can actually pronounce us.
Bath: Bristol! I'll take you to the stars, babe.
Bristol: Nah, we can fangirl about books and art with Durham, physics nerd.
Birmingham: Oi! Manc! Look, we've had our differences on the football field, but do you want to join in holy matrimony of slightly jarring regional accents?
Manchester: Meh, maybe.
Bradford: Screw matches, do you see that guy who legitimately thinks we're the same as York? Haha! Haha! Hahahahahaha! Poor shmuck, clearly the banner ads worked on him.
Bristol: Durham! I'm the most oversubscribed uni in the country, I'm drowning in clunge, but nothing makes me happier that your icy isolated form. Love me!
Durham: Oh, Bristol, look at our matched vague sense of Oxbridge reject-ery and annoyingly high grade requirements! I'm yours!
Cambridge: You and me against the world, pal.
Oxford: Word.
Cardiff: ...Bristol? I left three voicemails about getting that coffee on Monday and you still haven't replied...You know, we could talk, I'm very convincing with my jovial Welsh lilt -
Bristol: Nope.
Cardiff: Fine, I'll take Leeds.
Leeds: Nuh-uh.
Cardiff: Manchester?!
Manchester: I'm not being your sloppy thirds!
Cardiff: Ah, well, back to my sheep.
City: Queen Mary, becometh my true sovereign.
Queen Mary: You'll 'becometh' guillotined if you don't get out of my throne room.
Coventry: Somehow we think we're similar to both Derby and Birmingham, which is like saying you're similar to both pecan pie and foie gras. Not that Birmingham is foie gras. Also, we're still revelling in that we inexplicably are placed higher than Bristol.
Durham: Bristol is our soulmate *swoon*
Bristol: Marry me, you lovely freezing bastard.
Edinburgh: We're practically Durham's twin!
Durham: Meh, fair enough. We like Bristol better than you, though.
Exeter: Bristol, are you suuuuure you don't have Saturday night free? I want to get cocktails! It's so BORING up here! So many freaking HILLS!
Bristol: Sorry, doll, I've got a busy work schedule.
Glasgow: Edinburgh! Love me!!!
Edinburgh: Urgh, man, way too regionalistic, man. I'm trying to explore the world, man! Get out of that haggisfest, man.
Goldsmiths: Bristol! Cambridge!
Bristol and Cambridge: Do you hear something? It sounds a bit like a flea, or some annoyingly high-pitched mouse.
Hull: Leeds, are you -
Leeds: WE GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER. GO BACK TO YOUR CULTURAL HAVEN, YOU ****.
Imperial: Cambridge, sing with me! We're in the business of misery...
Cambridge: ...let's take it from the top.
Keele: Aston, we think we're just like you. You agree?
Aston: Who even are you?!
Kent: Reading!
Reading: No!
KCL: University College is literally across the road from us. We have similar grade requirements, a similar clientele, and the occasional spat but whatever. We're basically their hip younger sister.
UCL: And we're their much more prestigious big brother.
KCL: Nuh-uh!
UCL: Guardian league tables, we're 11, you're 40. Suck it.
Lancaster: York, I know there's still some, aha, *tensions* between us, but I think we can put aside our differences and work together -
York: KNIFE TO THE FACE! *stab*
Leeds: Manc. Bruv.
Manchester: Leeds. Bruv.
Leicester: Birmingham, we are superior to you on all other levels, but I would begrudgingly concede that our universities are about equal.
Birmingham: We're four places higher than you, bitch!
Liverpool: Manc. Bruv.
Manchester: If I'm your brother, I was clearly adopted from a much handsomer family.
London Met: That one guy who thinks we're the same as Cambridge is either a masterful troll or studying Waste Management.
LSE: Oxford, we know you've got that weird incestuous cult thing going with Cambridge, but spare us some time?
Oxford: You can have my Saturdays from 1-4, and you're paying for lunch.
LSE: Deal.
Loughborough: Bath, we'd like to Bath-e in you, heh heh heh.
Bath: THE JACUZZI IS NOW CLOSED.
Manchester Met: ...Sheffield?
Sheffield: HAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD I'M DYING
Manchester Met: But, Sheffield! We came all the way over here! We brought muffins!
Sheffield: Security!
Newcastle: Hey, Leeds, you're looking damn good today.
Leeds: GODSAKE WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME
Nottingham: You lookin' fiiiiine, Manchester.
Manchester: GODSAKE WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME
Oxford Brookes: Hey, Leicester, how about it?
Leicester: Much as I'd like to have a 22-year-old toy-boy, I'll pass.
Oxford Brookes: Hey, I was founded as a polytechnic in 1970!
Leicester: It's still gross.
Queen Mary: We are matrimonially tied, King's! Let us build empires!
KCL: Um, I'd rather abdicate.
Reading: Cardiff, you don't have to be alone! I love you!
Cardiff: Eh, think I prefer the sheep.
Royal Holloway: I need a regal partner! Come on, King's, we're practically neighbours and I have some really pretty gardens.
KCL: Nah, go screw Queen Mary.
Queen Mary: I don't want it either.
Sheffield: Manchester, you're looking damn -
Manchester: FOR GOD'S SAKE I'm just TRYING to buy a PANINI look I'm AWARE of my FABULOUS but can I GET THROUGH MY DAY without having any more STREET HARASSMENT PLEASE
Sheffield: - fine?
Manchester: Actually, on second thought, nice tits. I'm sold.
SOAS: Hey LSE, you got a thing for Asians?
LSE: Only in paper boxes.
Southampton: Bristol! Niiice!
Bristol: GODDAMMIT WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME
St Andrew's: Hey, Durham! We're both cold and pretentious! Marry me!
Durham: You can be my bit on the side.
St Andrew's: Deal.
Surrey: Lonely, I am so lonely, I have nobody, all on my own *mournfully plays banjo*
Sussex: Manchester! Hey! Haven't seen you in so -
Manchester: *threateningly brandishes pepper spray*
UCL: Hey, Imperial. We're neighbours, we're both insanely prestigious and a little bit douchey. Want to hook up?
Imperial: Nah, I'm still trying to get into that cool cult thing Oxbridge has going on. I mean, they're like one entity. It's insane.
UEA: *loud and phlegmy sobbing*
UAL: Hey, Goldsmiths! Want to play some jazz at my contemporary art exhibition? It's a picture of a dead frog and half a rotting lemon surrounded by a thousand ping-pong balls. Really speaks to me, y'know?
Goldsmiths: Sure, but only if I can do that cool mix of blues and ska that's been circulating lately. I call it blueska.
UAL: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Warwick: Durham?
Durham: No.
Warwick: UCL?
Durham: No.
Warwick: LSE?
LSE: No.
Warwick: Christ, it's like being in Clearing.
York: Durham, I hear you're marrying Bristol and keeping St Andrew's as a bit on the side. I can be your casual hookup!
Durham: Nah, I can get my own prostitutes.