This discussion is now closed.
Check out other Related discussions
- Day in the life of an Education Studies student at BCU!
- Would this upset you? (situationship)
- Living with housemates for the first time
- Where to live during placement year
- Anyone else have odd flatmates?
- Uni houses
- Is it bad for housemate to put on 9hr washes?
- Covered smoke detector caught during inspection
- Want to leave my uni house but signed contract
- new housemate disrupting existing dynamics and fear of him snitching
- graduating - council tax
- Housing Horror Stories
- Unsigning house with friends for a better house with strangers
- Are you afraid of spiders?
- Feel like a loser at home but am dreading going back to uni.
- Can I not terminate my tenancy for a shared house early?
- How to Make Friends with Your New Flatmates!
- Postgraduate accomodation Cardiff University 2024/25 placeholders
- pls help! uni of York- second year housing
- Housing takeover Leeds!
Sleeping with your housemate...
Ok, I think this is going to be a bit of a long post so apologies in advance. (Just to let you know, I'm female).
I've recently, like a lot of students, just moved into a student house. Myself and one of the guys I live with were quite close before we moved into the house. We were purely friends though, nothing else. I wasn't attracted to him sexually, although I knew that he liked me.
Anyway, a few days into living together, we got close one night. We'd been drinking and we stayed up late watching TV while everyone else went to bed. He started stroking my legs and ended up touching my chest. I was totally fine with this by the way and let him do so, I actually wanted him to do it. Things would have probably gone further but I was on my period and I also felt bad as I wasn't actually attracted to him and felt like I was leading him on.
The next day things were fine between us luckily, as I thought they might be awkward. A few days later when we were alone together one night he told me that he was a virgin (This is significant but I'll get to that later).
Later on that week we ended up getting close again and this time more happened.
Two days later we slept together and I ended up taking his virginity. Now, I don't regret this because I genuinely care about him and he said that if he didn't lose his virginity to me then he would probably end up doing it with some random girl he met on a night out. (We didn't exactly plan to sleep together by the way, it just felt right one night and we both decided to do it.)
Now I'm in a bit of a confused state because I really care about this guy so much and he's basically become my best friend. The other night I opened up and told him almost everything about me, including things that I've never told anyone else and he also did the same. But the thing is, I know that he really wants to be with me and he said he's fallen for me in a big way. I however, don't want a relationship with him. I think he's a great guy and I'd go so far to say that I love him (like a best friend) and there is sexual chemistry between us but there's just something missing.
Now, he knows all this and basically things have just carried on as normal (we haven't slept together again, but other things have happened). I'm not deceiving him in any way about my feelings because I have made them completely clear to him but I feel like what I'm doing is wrong and I don't want to hurt him. The thing is, he says that if I change he'll blame himself and he wants things to carry on the way they are. I do too...
I just feel bad about the situation but don't know if I should. I also feel like I'm starting to fall for him... He's away at the moment and I really miss him so much. But deep down I think I know that a relationship probably wouldn't work out.
We've kept this all a secret from our other housemates by the way because we think it's best at the moment.
Basically, I just would like to hear people's opinions on the situation and possibly receive some advice about what you think I should do.
Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this!
I've recently, like a lot of students, just moved into a student house. Myself and one of the guys I live with were quite close before we moved into the house. We were purely friends though, nothing else. I wasn't attracted to him sexually, although I knew that he liked me.
Anyway, a few days into living together, we got close one night. We'd been drinking and we stayed up late watching TV while everyone else went to bed. He started stroking my legs and ended up touching my chest. I was totally fine with this by the way and let him do so, I actually wanted him to do it. Things would have probably gone further but I was on my period and I also felt bad as I wasn't actually attracted to him and felt like I was leading him on.
The next day things were fine between us luckily, as I thought they might be awkward. A few days later when we were alone together one night he told me that he was a virgin (This is significant but I'll get to that later).
Later on that week we ended up getting close again and this time more happened.
Two days later we slept together and I ended up taking his virginity. Now, I don't regret this because I genuinely care about him and he said that if he didn't lose his virginity to me then he would probably end up doing it with some random girl he met on a night out. (We didn't exactly plan to sleep together by the way, it just felt right one night and we both decided to do it.)
Now I'm in a bit of a confused state because I really care about this guy so much and he's basically become my best friend. The other night I opened up and told him almost everything about me, including things that I've never told anyone else and he also did the same. But the thing is, I know that he really wants to be with me and he said he's fallen for me in a big way. I however, don't want a relationship with him. I think he's a great guy and I'd go so far to say that I love him (like a best friend) and there is sexual chemistry between us but there's just something missing.
Now, he knows all this and basically things have just carried on as normal (we haven't slept together again, but other things have happened). I'm not deceiving him in any way about my feelings because I have made them completely clear to him but I feel like what I'm doing is wrong and I don't want to hurt him. The thing is, he says that if I change he'll blame himself and he wants things to carry on the way they are. I do too...
I just feel bad about the situation but don't know if I should. I also feel like I'm starting to fall for him... He's away at the moment and I really miss him so much. But deep down I think I know that a relationship probably wouldn't work out.
We've kept this all a secret from our other housemates by the way because we think it's best at the moment.
Basically, I just would like to hear people's opinions on the situation and possibly receive some advice about what you think I should do.
Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this!
So you want a friends-with-benefits kind of deal, whereas he wants a relationship? Sorry to say, but that's a rather unhealthy situation to be in, especially for the guy in question here. You should question yourself (and him too) about how long things could "carry on the way they are" before you either end up in a relationship or in tears. You're having some meaningful conversation, that's a good start, so talk over these matters before you let anything else happen between you, and make sure you tell him exactly how you feel about your relationship.
Reply 2
Ummm...this is a bit of a confuzzling situation. You say you like him a lot, you've slept with him and done other stuff...and yet you don't want to go out with him. I think your main problem is that you don't want to lose his friendship, and maybe you think that by keeping the things the way they re you can get the best of both worlds (i.e. friendship and sexual relationship) without actually being in a proper relationship.
However, ultimately I think this will end up with both of you getting hurt especially the guy. He obviously digs you, and by acting the way you are you are leading him on, albeit not in a nasty way.
Also living together means that if being sex buddies ruined your friendship, being in such close confinement to each other would be hell. If I were you I would tell him pretty sharpish that you don't think that a relationship between the two of you would work, and stop the sexual nature of your friendship before it ruins it. Hope this is useful in some way!
However, ultimately I think this will end up with both of you getting hurt especially the guy. He obviously digs you, and by acting the way you are you are leading him on, albeit not in a nasty way.
Also living together means that if being sex buddies ruined your friendship, being in such close confinement to each other would be hell. If I were you I would tell him pretty sharpish that you don't think that a relationship between the two of you would work, and stop the sexual nature of your friendship before it ruins it. Hope this is useful in some way!
Reply 3
I'm currently sort of in a similar situation (except for I dont live with the guy. Eeek! I cant imagine how complicated that is making things!)
I think if you dig deep you might find that you miss him because he is your mate and you care about him, simple as that.
I'm sleeping with a good mate of mine at the moment and he's so lovely to me and genuinelly sweet, it isnt easy to find a guy like that and even though I know relationship wise he isnt everything I want ...but as a mate he is perfect and when he tried it on it was hard to say no just because he makes me feel good.
It is probably a friendship that has gotten a little bit twisted with all the sex/fooling around involved.
I dont think by carrying on with the ways things are you are doing yourselves any favours, from what I've seen, he is saying "its okay lets just carry on as we are even though you dont want to date me" because its kind of a case of 'better something than nothing'. also if he is a clued up sort of bloke he will realise that girls get attached and maybe he is thinking eventually you might change your mind about him?
I think dating/living together would be a bad idea, if you did inevitably change your mind.
Maybe one or both of you should move out, then if you still have feelings for him tell him the truth, (what you wrote here basically).
"I think I'm developing feelings for you but I cant see it working between us, but since the feelings are growing Im willing to give it a try but if it doesnt work out lets stay friends".
thats as honest as anyone can be I reckon.
I think if you dig deep you might find that you miss him because he is your mate and you care about him, simple as that.
I'm sleeping with a good mate of mine at the moment and he's so lovely to me and genuinelly sweet, it isnt easy to find a guy like that and even though I know relationship wise he isnt everything I want ...but as a mate he is perfect and when he tried it on it was hard to say no just because he makes me feel good.
It is probably a friendship that has gotten a little bit twisted with all the sex/fooling around involved.
I dont think by carrying on with the ways things are you are doing yourselves any favours, from what I've seen, he is saying "its okay lets just carry on as we are even though you dont want to date me" because its kind of a case of 'better something than nothing'. also if he is a clued up sort of bloke he will realise that girls get attached and maybe he is thinking eventually you might change your mind about him?
I think dating/living together would be a bad idea, if you did inevitably change your mind.
Maybe one or both of you should move out, then if you still have feelings for him tell him the truth, (what you wrote here basically).
"I think I'm developing feelings for you but I cant see it working between us, but since the feelings are growing Im willing to give it a try but if it doesnt work out lets stay friends".
thats as honest as anyone can be I reckon.
Anonymous
Ok, I think this is going to be a bit of a long post so apologies in advance. (Just to let you know, I'm female).
I've recently, like a lot of students, just moved into a student house. Myself and one of the guys I live with were quite close before we moved into the house. We were purely friends though, nothing else. I wasn't attracted to him sexually, although I knew that he liked me.
Anyway, a few days into living together, we got close one night. We'd been drinking and we stayed up late watching TV while everyone else went to bed. He started stroking my legs and ended up touching my chest. I was totally fine with this by the way and let him do so, I actually wanted him to do it. Things would have probably gone further but I was on my period and I also felt bad as I wasn't actually attracted to him and felt like I was leading him on.
The next day things were fine between us luckily, as I thought they might be awkward. A few days later when we were alone together one night he told me that he was a virgin (This is significant but I'll get to that later).
Later on that week we ended up getting close again and this time more happened.
Two days later we slept together and I ended up taking his virginity. Now, I don't regret this because I genuinely care about him and he said that if he didn't lose his virginity to me then he would probably end up doing it with some random girl he met on a night out. (We didn't exactly plan to sleep together by the way, it just felt right one night and we both decided to do it.)
Now I'm in a bit of a confused state because I really care about this guy so much and he's basically become my best friend. The other night I opened up and told him almost everything about me, including things that I've never told anyone else and he also did the same. But the thing is, I know that he really wants to be with me and he said he's fallen for me in a big way. I however, don't want a relationship with him. I think he's a great guy and I'd go so far to say that I love him (like a best friend) and there is sexual chemistry between us but there's just something missing.
Now, he knows all this and basically things have just carried on as normal (we haven't slept together again, but other things have happened). I'm not deceiving him in any way about my feelings because I have made them completely clear to him but I feel like what I'm doing is wrong and I don't want to hurt him. The thing is, he says that if I change he'll blame himself and he wants things to carry on the way they are. I do too...
I just feel bad about the situation but don't know if I should. I also feel like I'm starting to fall for him... He's away at the moment and I really miss him so much. But deep down I think I know that a relationship probably wouldn't work out.
We've kept this all a secret from our other housemates by the way because we think it's best at the moment.
Basically, I just would like to hear people's opinions on the situation and possibly receive some advice about what you think I should do.
Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this!
I've recently, like a lot of students, just moved into a student house. Myself and one of the guys I live with were quite close before we moved into the house. We were purely friends though, nothing else. I wasn't attracted to him sexually, although I knew that he liked me.
Anyway, a few days into living together, we got close one night. We'd been drinking and we stayed up late watching TV while everyone else went to bed. He started stroking my legs and ended up touching my chest. I was totally fine with this by the way and let him do so, I actually wanted him to do it. Things would have probably gone further but I was on my period and I also felt bad as I wasn't actually attracted to him and felt like I was leading him on.
The next day things were fine between us luckily, as I thought they might be awkward. A few days later when we were alone together one night he told me that he was a virgin (This is significant but I'll get to that later).
Later on that week we ended up getting close again and this time more happened.
Two days later we slept together and I ended up taking his virginity. Now, I don't regret this because I genuinely care about him and he said that if he didn't lose his virginity to me then he would probably end up doing it with some random girl he met on a night out. (We didn't exactly plan to sleep together by the way, it just felt right one night and we both decided to do it.)
Now I'm in a bit of a confused state because I really care about this guy so much and he's basically become my best friend. The other night I opened up and told him almost everything about me, including things that I've never told anyone else and he also did the same. But the thing is, I know that he really wants to be with me and he said he's fallen for me in a big way. I however, don't want a relationship with him. I think he's a great guy and I'd go so far to say that I love him (like a best friend) and there is sexual chemistry between us but there's just something missing.
Now, he knows all this and basically things have just carried on as normal (we haven't slept together again, but other things have happened). I'm not deceiving him in any way about my feelings because I have made them completely clear to him but I feel like what I'm doing is wrong and I don't want to hurt him. The thing is, he says that if I change he'll blame himself and he wants things to carry on the way they are. I do too...
I just feel bad about the situation but don't know if I should. I also feel like I'm starting to fall for him... He's away at the moment and I really miss him so much. But deep down I think I know that a relationship probably wouldn't work out.
We've kept this all a secret from our other housemates by the way because we think it's best at the moment.
Basically, I just would like to hear people's opinions on the situation and possibly receive some advice about what you think I should do.
Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this!
basically, you fancied him... you banged him... You took his virginity and now hes acting like if you've taken a girls virginity and is getting all full on, clingy and wet with you? is this the gyst?
Best not let him come play in your bed and watch DVD's anymore until he sorts his emotions out. You'll have to be cruel to be kind... and after a bit of upset he should go back to being normal again.
Failing that, as he didnt really know how to get with a girl before you... teach him some tricks, and that thing you really like... then send him out into the world to try that sort of thing with other girls. He'll realise he can get other women to sleep with him, as he'll have the confidence to know what to do... and that way he should start being a bit more normal with you again.
Reply 5
tell him to not pay you so much attention, that will solve everything by making you a lot more interested in him :-D
Reply 6
you want(ed?) a sex friend he wants a relationship, thats something thats really going to get someone hurt.
Let him down gently but firmly
Let him down gently but firmly
Reply 7
Why don't you tell him what you've told us?
Reply 8
If he said he's happy with the current situation, and wants it to continue, as do you, then I suggest continuing. I think mabye you should give a 'proper' relationship a try, as you said you feel like you are falling for him, and although you said you don't think a relationship would work, you don't actually know that for sure. And anyway, tons of relationships that people think will work don't work out in the end, so it's not always the right decision to trust your feelings on what the future will hold.
okay that is confusing!
well you said you think you have fallen for him, however you cant say that no the realtionship wont work and thats it, why dont you give it a try? i mean you consider him as your best friends however there are lots of cupples were the best friends have gone into a loving realtionship, my advice would be to tell him that you do want to be with him.
well you said you think you have fallen for him, however you cant say that no the realtionship wont work and thats it, why dont you give it a try? i mean you consider him as your best friends however there are lots of cupples were the best friends have gone into a loving realtionship, my advice would be to tell him that you do want to be with him.
Reply 10
Dez
So you want a friends-with-benefits kind of deal, whereas he wants a relationship? Sorry to say, but that's a rather unhealthy situation to be in, especially for the guy in question here. You should question yourself (and him too) about how long things could "carry on the way they are" before you either end up in a relationship or in tears. You're having some meaningful conversation, that's a good start, so talk over these matters before you let anything else happen between you, and make sure you tell him exactly how you feel about your relationship.
I agree with this, this is why i keep saying casual flings or one night stands are not always good, someone can get hurt, in this case you now got a guy chasing you wanting more, this is what normally happens.
Reply 11
I love rules. So go on then, what rules has she broken?
Reply 12
I was in a similar situation with a guy in my halls last year (altho he lived on a different corridor). We started off as friends then I was attracted to him. We pulled a few times in clubs & he would come back to my room (just for a kiss & cuddle). Once he said he wanted to go out with me & also made it clear he wanted to sleep with me. We didn't sleep together altho it went beyond kissing. Next day he had changed his mind! But after that he would still come to my room once or sometimes twice a week altho we never actually had sex. I knew by that point he didnt want a relationship but I thought it was better to have something than nothing. After a while he got a gf so stopped everything with me. I was very hurt. He had said he didnt want a relationship but really he meant he just didnt want one with me. We have now gone back to being friends, but not like before & I don't trust him much now.
It is best if you stop what is going on. Its easy to feel flattered & like the attention but its going to be hard on him in the long run, especially if you meet someone else when you live together. If you stop the physical stuff & after a while feel like you want a relationship then thats different of course. Just remember at the moment you hold the power in this, in the sense that you are the one less emotionally involved so are calling the shots. He is going to find it much harder to stop so that probably falls to you.
It is best if you stop what is going on. Its easy to feel flattered & like the attention but its going to be hard on him in the long run, especially if you meet someone else when you live together. If you stop the physical stuff & after a while feel like you want a relationship then thats different of course. Just remember at the moment you hold the power in this, in the sense that you are the one less emotionally involved so are calling the shots. He is going to find it much harder to stop so that probably falls to you.
Reply 13
Ok, maybe I didn't make things too clear in my original post.
Before we slept together and did anything remotley sexual, he actually said that he felt closer to me than a friend and would like a "friends with benefits" situation with me because he knew that I didn't want a relationship with anyone at that point and he felt it was too soon.
I don't intend to carry on sleeping with him but I'm not going to rule out the possibility of it happening again.
He has known from the start and still knows that I do not want a relationship. I have not got him under any false pretences.
He is happy with the current situation.
I never intended to have a sex buddy.
Before we slept together and did anything remotley sexual, he actually said that he felt closer to me than a friend and would like a "friends with benefits" situation with me because he knew that I didn't want a relationship with anyone at that point and he felt it was too soon.
I don't intend to carry on sleeping with him but I'm not going to rule out the possibility of it happening again.
He has known from the start and still knows that I do not want a relationship. I have not got him under any false pretences.
He is happy with the current situation.
I never intended to have a sex buddy.
I really think you should give the relationship a go, obviously if you realy don't want to, then don't. But from how you sound, things seem to be nearly all the ingredients for a realtionship. Who knows? It could turn out great. And as you've obviously got really close to each other as friends, I don't think you should be too worried about a realtionship ruining your friendsship.
good luck
good luck
Reply 15
Anonymous
Ok, maybe I didn't make things too clear in my original post.
Before we slept together and did anything remotley sexual, he actually said that he felt closer to me than a friend and would like a "friends with benefits" situation with me because he knew that I didn't want a relationship with anyone at that point and he felt it was too soon.
I don't intend to carry on sleeping with him but I'm not going to rule out the possibility of it happening again.
He has known from the start and still knows that I do not want a relationship. I have not got him under any false pretences.
He is happy with the current situation.
I never intended to have a sex buddy.
Before we slept together and did anything remotley sexual, he actually said that he felt closer to me than a friend and would like a "friends with benefits" situation with me because he knew that I didn't want a relationship with anyone at that point and he felt it was too soon.
I don't intend to carry on sleeping with him but I'm not going to rule out the possibility of it happening again.
He has known from the start and still knows that I do not want a relationship. I have not got him under any false pretences.
He is happy with the current situation.
I never intended to have a sex buddy.
But you just said he told you he had fallen for you, fair enough you want some casual sex, but i would stop this affair with him if you do not want a relationship because you are hurting him.
Reply 16
Carl1982
But you just said he told you he had fallen for you, fair enough you want some casual sex, but i would stop this affair with him if you do not want a relationship because you are hurting him.
I don't want casual sex.
I'm just not comfortable being in a relationship right now as I have just come out of a very abusive one. He is completely aware of this and says that he wants whatever I want and is willing to wait until I am ready to have a relationship. And if I'm not ready, then he just wants things to carry on as they are (that does not necessarily mean we will be sleeping together, it just means that the feeling we have for each other are closer than friendship and things could happen).
Anonymous
Before we slept together and did anything remotley sexual, he actually said that he felt closer to me than a friend and would like a "friends with benefits" situation with me because he knew that I didn't want a relationship with anyone at that point and he felt it was too soon.
This has been discussed previously. He wants a relationship with you, that we've established. Friends-with-benefits is a "second best" to him, but to you it seems nothing more than convenience, no offence. He's likely to get hurt when things eventually draw to a close.
Anonymous
I don't intend to carry on sleeping with him but I'm not going to rule out the possibility of it happening again.
You're contradicting yourself, either you want to have sex with him or you don't. Which is it?
Anonymous
He has known from the start and still knows that I do not want a relationship. I have not got him under any false pretences.
He is happy with the current situation.
He is happy with the current situation.
Indeed you haven't. It is him who is leading the false pretence, and the only person who is likely to snap him out of it is you. You need to make it perfectly, crystal clear to him that you do not want a relationship with him, and that he should not hold out on false hopes.
Also, if this continues, it might be wise to inform your housemates. Chances are they'll find out eventually what's going on anyway.
Not really a problem imo, it seems like you are thinking of settling for him when you dont lust him. I'd avoid intimate moments for a while, or better yet, both go out and try and meet new people instead of going down a path you dont really want to go down, and if he has someone else, hes less likely to be all cuddly-coo with you. whadya think
Related discussions
- Day in the life of an Education Studies student at BCU!
- Would this upset you? (situationship)
- Living with housemates for the first time
- Where to live during placement year
- Anyone else have odd flatmates?
- Uni houses
- Is it bad for housemate to put on 9hr washes?
- Covered smoke detector caught during inspection
- Want to leave my uni house but signed contract
- new housemate disrupting existing dynamics and fear of him snitching
- graduating - council tax
- Housing Horror Stories
- Unsigning house with friends for a better house with strangers
- Are you afraid of spiders?
- Feel like a loser at home but am dreading going back to uni.
- Can I not terminate my tenancy for a shared house early?
- How to Make Friends with Your New Flatmates!
- Postgraduate accomodation Cardiff University 2024/25 placeholders
- pls help! uni of York- second year housing
- Housing takeover Leeds!
Latest
Trending
Last reply 2 months ago
Engineering vs. Medicine: Stuck Between Dreams and ExpectationsLast reply 2 months ago
heyyy , im new heree and im willing to have some friends xxxLast reply 2 months ago
Im 16 and never had a gf and it doesnt feel ok.
