What do you think of this piece of writing?

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crashMATHS
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#1
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#1
I wrote this in my exam and am sending it off for a remark, but wanted to get feedback on the pieces first.

Task: Write a letter to the organiser of your local festival describing some changes you would make and explain these changes. (I think that is what it was)

Answer:

Dear organiser,

I am sure that you will be duly aware that our annual Summer Festival is near-approaching, but I have some suggestions for the Festival that have appealed to many of the people amid our cheerful community.

Brown, deteriorated grass that lacks the soft, sweet, indulging aroma that it should have is not the place to host our Summer Festival. Instead, I am suggesting that we should have our Festival at Cranes' Park. This is a place where luscious green trees reach upwards towards the fluffy white clouds, filtering out the jewel-like light, casting elegant silhouettes of the tall, leafy giants. It is the perfect place for children, as they can wonder off into the realms of this park, as the grass tickles their feet, and they experience the wonders of the outdoors. Any parent would love this: their children's eyes fixed in a hypnotic trance, as they gaze excitedly at the array of different colours, sizes and shapes. The turn-out could be fantastic.

Despite the beauty of the park, there is most definitely going to be a source of rubbish on the day, so we must hire a cleaner. Imagine this: trampled, torn plates covered in oozing yellow sauce from those crispy, juicy burgers, scattered across the fields, immaculate pieces of exotic fruit to be then thrown around and then a reign of flies infesting the happiness of young children at the Festival. Parents, children and environmentally-keen people are not going to want to come or may not have as much fun.

Your well-organised Festival could have a minuscule affect on them!

Logically, however, if you use my (rather clever, I must say) idea of hiring out a cleaner for the day - or days, if we're lucky - we wouldn't have to experience such revulsion on the day and people will be able to enjoy the festival. They may even decide to come back next year!

All in all, I hope that you will consider my suggestions and knowledgeably integrate them into the Summer Festival. It will be the best one yet!

Yours faithfully,
Aaran.




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Gibus_pyro
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#2
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#2
This piece of writing shows that you know a lot of adjectives and can use some nice similies. I don't think there are many other techniques that you use, and despite the liberal use of dramatic description, its not very persuasive. I would have focused less imagery and more on persuasive arguments. That is just my opinion. I'm not an examiner and i maybe completely wrong. Please don't be offended or anything.
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crashMATHS
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#3
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(Original post by Gibus_pyro)
This piece of writing shows that you know a lot of adjectives and can use some nice similies. I don't think there are many other techniques that you use, and despite the liberal use of dramatic description, its not very persuasive. I would have focused less imagery and more on persuasive arguments. That is just my opinion. I'm not an examiner and i maybe completely wrong. Please don't be offended or anything.
But the form isn't persuade. The task was to describe and explain.


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crashMATHS
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Anybody else?


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BULL14
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#5
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#5
what grade did you get for this piece of writing.
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crashMATHS
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#6
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(Original post by BULL14)
what grade did you get for this piece of writing.
I don't know, that's why I'm asking for feedback


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The Empire Odyssey
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(Original post by kingaaran)
But the form isn't persuade. The task was to describe and explain.


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The literal question was: "Write a letter to the organisers which describes what you would like to include and explains why your ideas would appeal to the community."

A form of a letter isn't to describe - that is a work for an article or a narrative piece. A letter is used to persuade someone who is reading and to perhaps empathise with the writer.

Yes, it said "describe" in the question but, the majority of your answer should have been persuading the Organiser what you should have briefly described.

Writing to explain is a form of writing, but not usually used for the Higher paper. It's usually for Foundation paper because it is the most simplistic writing style. Whilst describing being the next and persuading being higher as you have to use a precise linguistic techniques to convince the reader of your words.

(I didn't mention this in response to your PM. I should have but I thought I did).
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crashMATHS
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(Original post by The Empire Odyssey)
The literal question was: "Write a letter to the organisers which describes what you would like to include and explains why your ideas would appeal to the community."

A form of a letter isn't to describe - that is a work for an article or a narrative piece. A letter is used to persuade someone who is reading and to perhaps empathise with the writer.

Yes, it said "describe" in the question but, the majority of your answer should have been persuading the Organiser what you should have briefly described.

Writing to explain is a form of writing, but not usually used for the Higher paper. It's usually for Foundation paper because it is the most simplistic writing style. Whilst describing being the next and persuading being higher as you have to use a precise linguistic techniques to convince the reader of your words.

(I didn't mention this in response to your PM. I should have but I thought I did).
Bro, the reason I didn't persuade in the exam is AQA have this structure:

Question 5 - the form is always explain, inform and/or describe

Question 6 - the form is argue or persuade.

I don't get why they'd have expected me to persuade when they clearly said in their specification that question five was restricted to explain, inform and/or describe.


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The Empire Odyssey
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#9
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(Original post by kingaaran)
Bro, the reason I didn't persuade in the exam is AQA have this structure:

Question 5 - the form is always explain, inform and/or describe

Question 6 - the form is argue or persuade.

I don't get why they'd have expected me to persuade when they clearly said in their specification that question five was restricted to explain, inform and/or describe.


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Well, it just proves my point that sometimes you just can't rely on the Spec... Specs aren't always set in stone. But, syntactically, I still go with persuade. As I did say in PM, you probably misread the question which is why got got the grade. But it's not a bad thing Mr!
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crashMATHS
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#10
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(Original post by The Empire Odyssey)
Well, it just proves my point that sometimes you just can't rely on the Spec... Specs aren't always set in stone. But, syntactically, I still go with persuade. As I did say in PM, you probably misread the question which is why got got the grade. But it's not a bad thing Mr!
Looks like I've got myself an opportunity to appeal, if that's their excuse for marking me down... According to Ofqual, what they write in their specification and support materials should be a true representative of what is to be expected in the exam.


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The Empire Odyssey
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#11
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(Original post by kingaaran)
Looks like I've got myself an opportunity to appeal, if that's their excuse for marking me down... According to Ofqual, what they write in their specification and support materials should be a true representative of what is to be expected in the exam.


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Trust me, it happens, rarely at GCSE. A lot of A-level, like majorly! But stop your worrying :P and oh Ofqual... I wouldn't even bother with half the crap they say
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TheFdh
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#12
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(Original post by kingaaran)
I wrote this in my exam and am sending it off for a remark, but wanted to get feedback on the pieces first.

Task: Write a letter to the organiser of your local festival describing some changes you would make and explain these changes. (I think that is what it was)

Answer:

Dear organiser,

I am sure that you will be duly aware that our annual Summer Festival is near-approaching, but I have some suggestions for the Festival that have appealed to many of the people amid our cheerful community.

Brown, deteriorated grass that lacks the soft, sweet, indulging aroma that it should have is not the place to host our Summer Festival. Instead, I am suggesting that we should have our Festival at Cranes' Park. This is a place where luscious green trees reach upwards towards the fluffy white clouds, filtering out the jewel-like light, casting elegant silhouettes of the tall, leafy giants. It is the perfect place for children, as they can wonder off into the realms of this park, as the grass tickles their feet, and they experience the wonders of the outdoors. Any parent would love this: their children's eyes fixed in a hypnotic trance, as they gaze excitedly at the array of different colours, sizes and shapes. The turn-out could be fantastic.

Despite the beauty of the park, there is most definitely going to be a source of rubbish on the day, so we must hire a cleaner. Imagine this: trampled, torn plates covered in oozing yellow sauce from those crispy, juicy burgers, scattered across the fields, immaculate pieces of exotic fruit to be then thrown around and then a reign of flies infesting the happiness of young children at the Festival. Parents, children and environmentally-keen people are not going to want to come or may not have as much fun.

Your well-organised Festival could have a minuscule affect on them!

Logically, however, if you use my (rather clever, I must say) idea of hiring out a cleaner for the day - or days, if we're lucky - we wouldn't have to experience such revulsion on the day and people will be able to enjoy the festival. They may even decide to come back next year!

All in all, I hope that you will consider my suggestions and knowledgeably integrate them into the Summer Festival. It will be the best one yet!

Yours faithfully,
Aaran.




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I think, as another user has said, it is clear you know a range of adjectives and are able to be descriptive in your writing, however, one thing examiners look for and is vital is that you have considered the purpose of the writing you have been asked to complete.

Since the question was, if I remember correctly (I also did this exam) to explain to the organisers your ideas for the festival and convince them as to why your ideas would attract people to the festival, you really ought to have used more persuasive devices, such as statistics (these can be made up- I made up statistics about the number of people who bought tickets to another made up festival, based on the appearance of a famous musician at the festival). You also should have really included more persuasive phrases, e.g. 'i urge you to consider...' and 'it would be beneficial...' etc.

Also, although this is not a *big* issue, the misspelling of 'effect' as 'affect' (an easy mistake that many make) could have lost you marks, along with your comment of 'rather clever, I must say', as this (I believe, although I may be wrong) does not seem appropriate for a formal letter such as the one the question implies you need to write, so you likely lost marks for this as well, as the examiner may see this as you not considering the audience of the letter.

Overall, your writing was by no means a bad piece- you generally used good grammar and spelling, other than the mistake mentioned, but I think it was your inclusion of too many adjectives and a lack of persuasive language/backing up with facts and figures that may have lost you marks.
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