Stuck in a rut!

Ok I've come to the conclusion recently that I am probably too emotionally dependent on my boyfriend and I have no life outside of him. I've decided this because I'm needy, he's on my mind constantly, and nothing else seems to matter (this includes uni work to some degree, friends, family etc). Don't get me wrong, I have friends whom I see, and do other things in my spare time (I have a lot of it atm as I'm in an LDR, hence why I've begun to notice this more) but even when with friends etc I'm not really enjoying myself or feeling it, if that makes any sense..my mind is always elsewhere and I never truly let go.

The way out of this hole i'm guessing is to try and build a life outside of my boyfriend...i.e. see friends more, find some hobbies and interests, study etc. The problem is however hard I try my heart really isn't in it..when I study I give up when it gets difficult and feel completely unmotivated. When I try and find a hobby I never stick to anything because I'm not interested in it. In general, I'm just an unmotivated bum! I know what I've got to do to get out of my dependency, I just don't seem to be able to do it. Anybody been in a similar position or could give me an insight into what's going on?

It's making me miserable now, because I have no idea who I am! Plus, when I do get to talk to my boyfriend I never have anything to tell him..I wan't my life to be busy, but more importantly to be genuinely busy (i.e. actually take my mind off my relationship and be absorbed in something else for a change) rather than forced (faking enjoyment and concentration). :frown:

Reply 1

latot

Yeah, you should start building a life outside of him...

And you were also saying about not sticking to hobbies, Why not take up some form of self defense class or a martial arts class?

I used to be sort of the same (only a guy, and not in a relationship with the person) but I find that excercise and martial arts help busy yourself, and just generally make you feel better in almost every aspect

Excercise also helps the mind to concentrate, so that should also help you focus more on your uni work

Reply 2

Sazarina88

11

I wouldn't say it's that bad that you think about him constantly.

By trying not to think about him, you'll find you think about him more. If a thought comes into your head about him, think it.

I don't think your lack of motivation is necessarily linked to your boyfriend. If you didn't have a boyfriend, do you think you would be any different? It's you that has to motivate yourself, not him.

Reply 3

female_engineer

1

Sazarina88

I wouldn't say it's that bad that you think about him constantly.

By trying not to think about him, you'll find you think about him more. If a thought comes into your head about him, think it.

I don't think your lack of motivation is necessarily linked to your boyfriend. If you didn't have a boyfriend, do you think you would be any different? It's you that has to motivate yourself, not him.

I was like this to some degree before we met, but being with my boyfriend has just compounded the problem I guess. My life is just extremely unbalanced, and putting so much into my relationship (e.g. thinking about it all the time, and most of the time negatively) is doing my head in! He is my focus, which isn't how it should be, because he could leave me tomorrow and I'd be in pieces. I'm starting to accept that perhaps I'm expecting him to make me happy (this in turn is causing relationship problems I reckon because I expect too much and get frustrated with him), and that it has to come from within first..I just have no idea where to start in finding it.

Reply 4

Sazarina88

11

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?

Reply 5

latot

Sazarina88

By trying not to think about him, you'll find you think about him more. If a thought comes into your head about him, think it.

Actually not true... if you get a thought about him, and think about it some more, one thought leads to another and eventually can tune your mind to think that it's okay...

Likewise, blatantly trying to not think about him will also make you think ahout him... it's a loss-loss situation...

Which is why I think it's best to get a hobby, so the thought won't enter in the first place

Reply 6

Sazarina88

11

latot

Actually not true... if you get a thought about him, and think about it some more, one thought leads to another and eventually can tune your mind to think that it's okay...

Likewise, blatantly trying to not think about him will also make you think ahout him... it's a loss-loss situation...

Which is why I think it's best to get a hobby, so the thought won't enter in the first place

But if you want to think about him and resist, what good is that doing? Just by getting a hobby isn't going to suddenly stop her thinking of him. What she needs to address is why she sees it as a problem that she thinks of him a lot.

Reply 7

female_engineer

1

Sazarina88

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?

Not really. It just creates more problems...he never knows what to say to help, I get pissed off because I think his lack of talking is an indication to how interested he is or how much he cares, and then he just gets upset/feels more pressured to say something, which in turn makes his mind go blank even more. Also, I don't know what he can really say or do to help..he will ask me what he can do, and if I don't know what to do myself, then I won't be able to help him to help me.

I'm an overthinker, i think so hard about things and just end up wasting so much energy. If I could redirect my thinking power to something else then I'd be well away! it just always seems to be about him! It doesn't help that I'm stuck at home, which is not a nice place to be. Hopefully things will improve a bit when I get back to university. I'm just concerned that I'm going to fail the year again because I can't be bothered with it! When the relationship isn't going well, it seems i'm totally incapable of doing anything else because I feel so crap and think so hard...I can never switch off. I'm not describing this very well either, lol!

Reply 8

female_engineer

1

Sazarina88

But if you want to think about him and resist, what good is that doing? Just by getting a hobby isn't going to suddenly stop her thinking of him. What she needs to address is why she sees it as a problem that she thinks of him a lot.

Thinking about him isn't really the problem. I wouldn't mind thinking about him 24/7 if I actually had a life too, and enjoyed other things as well as seeing my boyfriend. Nothing seems to work though.

For example, if I haven't heard from him for a while I'll be wondering what he is doing, wondering when he is going to contact me, wondering if he is going off me etc etc. It's almost as though I rely on his contact and the existance of our relationship to feel happy, which is what I was saying about being dependent on him. This is also why when things go tits up between us I am unable to focus on much else, and when things are going OK I invest too much energy in trying to keep them that way. He matters far too much to me, or should I say more than anything else, and I don't know why. I want to be able to get happiness and satisfaction from other things, which would improve my relationship dramatically anyway as it would make the neediness/clinginess reduce somewhat. I'm not sure whether the lack of motivation I feel is linked to confidence or what!

Reply 9

Jayhayuk

Hello there :smile:

, my name is Jay (short for james)and am starting at bham uni soon taking URP/pubpol. govt. + mng.

Reading how you have been feeling really made me stop dead in my tracks just now, simply because it is very similiar how i have felt in the past and resently with my GF.

Sometimes you can get to hte point where you are so involved with someone that you feel like you dont know what you would ever do without them. when they feel down about your relationship you strive so hard with your full effort to show them thigns will be ok and do it at a sacrifice to your own enjoyment.

Mine and my gf's relationship resently broke down and it left me so angry and upset, i dnt want to go into detail because i want to respect her privacy etc. just understand that she had been questioning alot of thigns not just us, her choice of uni, halls, city and other thigns, all at once. I have probably spent say about.. 3 weeks or so of my summer trying to do my usual thing, trying to reasure and stuff, but i drew less able to offer any advice or words that helped. i think it went as far as resenting me for being like i was thus influencing her to stay in brum.

When we finaly descided to break, be it for ever or for a whie neither of us are sure, it was horrible, beacsue like you i fet like if i haddnt heard from her for 5 mins id go bonkers, and all the time thinking it was stupid. That i was too reiant and everthin. now a week on though, thigns are kinda different, and it all just down to somenew thinking on my part.

I have just been tryng hard to building up some self confidence and motivate myself into seeing freinds and enjoying my spare time. I now reada book about building my confidence daily and lsiten to this cd that comes with it too, jsut a kinda calming cd, it make sure that i am spending a half hour a day without thinking about anyhting at all. i spend time sorting my room out, keepin things neat, and i write an emai to a freind or something, just lots of little thigns that help me make sure i am spending some time on myself.

That i think is the most important ting i can suggest to you, be selfish with your time a little, you shouldnt have to work so hard to ma thigns work and you need to proove to yourself that tigns wil be ok i you take sometime to not think about your BF and actullyspend it building up your self esteem. you should not need to hear from him all the time to know thigns are ok between you two.

im worried about my gf atm, she is still over thinking and i dont want her to get into a frazzle, but i cant try to stop it. she has to do it ehrself, and she knows if she needs me im there. id give the same advise to you as i would her, just take sme time out to look after yourself and relax. i know it sounds far more difficult to you and me as clingy worriers, but its really worth the effort i promise!!

Reply 10

username47781

20

Yes i think you gotta have a life outside of your boyfriend.

Stuck in a rut!

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