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Parental problems
I have a problem with my mother that had been building up for several years and is now quite serious.
My mother must always be right be it in big or little form; 'I did NOT put the phone on the sofa! You did, it's your fault it is not in the right place!' etc etc. She cannot be criticised in any way even if I do it in a jokey way, she will immediately round on me and start telling me that I am just a bag of problems. This leads me onto my third problem with her; she is so intensely critical that almost every moment spent with her is so painful because I am constantly told how rubbish I am (I don't take any notice of this because if I did I would be in a puddle but it still hurts) and she tries to take some credit for our (my sister and I) achievements- To my sister 'Well you wouldn't have done as well in your GCSE's (she got 7 A*s) if I hadn't made them let you keep your extra time (she is very mildly dyspraxic).
I have to say I continually argue back to her because I cannot just sit there and take her constant criticism (even though it would be best for all if I did). However now she has told me that if I keep arguing with her that she and my Dad are going to get divorced- We have already had this conversation and I told her that I would back my Dad up if it came to an acrimonious divorce and would never talk to her again. She mentions divorce because he does not always tell me off when I argue back with her, he says that I shouldn't say things like I do (for example this evening I called her a hypocrite) but that he cannot stop me from saying them as I am my own person and am an adult (I've just turned 19). It is not only me who has a problem living with her, my sister and Dad find it very hard too but I know that my Dad does not want to get divorced (he said so) so am trying just to stay out of her way (so far it's not working). Another problem is that I am starting not to care at all how she feels and when she gets all emotional I don't help matters by going 'Whatever I really don't care'. I am quite worried that our relationship will be irrevocably damaged by what has been happening for the past 4 years and really do want to try and fix it. I've tried in the past but she cannot accept that some of it is her fault so everything just ends up as a slanging match.
I know it may sound like I don't really have a problem at all and that I'm just wining but it is impossible to describe on the internet what sort of person she is; overly-controlling, highly critical, continually invading my privacy (she NEVER knocks on my bedroom door) and she cannot take criticism. This is a family problem; for about 15 years she didn't really speak to my Grandparents (paternal side) because they upset her over something trivial when I was a baby and it's only now things have started to improve with them, she also never speaks to my Dad's brothers wife and will not be in the same room as her because she said 19 years ago that she didn't like children and didn't like to see my sister and I (I don't think I've heard the full story though). My friends also have a little problem with her as she interrogates them about what they are going to do at university, constantly repeats questions 10 seconds after asking the first one and tells them even if they just suggest something that she doesn't like that it is wrong and bad.
I'm really sorry for writing so much and you deserve rep for reading this but I can't really talk to anyone else because it will either be her - she will NOT listen, we have all tried for YEARS; family (and make things worse) or friends (and I really don't want to spend all my time with them moaning about my mother!)
P.s I'm sorry it took so long and I really don't mean to be winy.
My mother must always be right be it in big or little form; 'I did NOT put the phone on the sofa! You did, it's your fault it is not in the right place!' etc etc. She cannot be criticised in any way even if I do it in a jokey way, she will immediately round on me and start telling me that I am just a bag of problems. This leads me onto my third problem with her; she is so intensely critical that almost every moment spent with her is so painful because I am constantly told how rubbish I am (I don't take any notice of this because if I did I would be in a puddle but it still hurts) and she tries to take some credit for our (my sister and I) achievements- To my sister 'Well you wouldn't have done as well in your GCSE's (she got 7 A*s) if I hadn't made them let you keep your extra time (she is very mildly dyspraxic).
I have to say I continually argue back to her because I cannot just sit there and take her constant criticism (even though it would be best for all if I did). However now she has told me that if I keep arguing with her that she and my Dad are going to get divorced- We have already had this conversation and I told her that I would back my Dad up if it came to an acrimonious divorce and would never talk to her again. She mentions divorce because he does not always tell me off when I argue back with her, he says that I shouldn't say things like I do (for example this evening I called her a hypocrite) but that he cannot stop me from saying them as I am my own person and am an adult (I've just turned 19). It is not only me who has a problem living with her, my sister and Dad find it very hard too but I know that my Dad does not want to get divorced (he said so) so am trying just to stay out of her way (so far it's not working). Another problem is that I am starting not to care at all how she feels and when she gets all emotional I don't help matters by going 'Whatever I really don't care'. I am quite worried that our relationship will be irrevocably damaged by what has been happening for the past 4 years and really do want to try and fix it. I've tried in the past but she cannot accept that some of it is her fault so everything just ends up as a slanging match.
I know it may sound like I don't really have a problem at all and that I'm just wining but it is impossible to describe on the internet what sort of person she is; overly-controlling, highly critical, continually invading my privacy (she NEVER knocks on my bedroom door) and she cannot take criticism. This is a family problem; for about 15 years she didn't really speak to my Grandparents (paternal side) because they upset her over something trivial when I was a baby and it's only now things have started to improve with them, she also never speaks to my Dad's brothers wife and will not be in the same room as her because she said 19 years ago that she didn't like children and didn't like to see my sister and I (I don't think I've heard the full story though). My friends also have a little problem with her as she interrogates them about what they are going to do at university, constantly repeats questions 10 seconds after asking the first one and tells them even if they just suggest something that she doesn't like that it is wrong and bad.
I'm really sorry for writing so much and you deserve rep for reading this but I can't really talk to anyone else because it will either be her - she will NOT listen, we have all tried for YEARS; family (and make things worse) or friends (and I really don't want to spend all my time with them moaning about my mother!)
P.s I'm sorry it took so long and I really don't mean to be winy.
Your Mother sounds a very difficult person, i can understand your father not wanting to divorce, but things like this cannot go on the way it is, because your the one suffering most unfortunatly.
Should the worse come to worse i'd be doing the same in your shoes meaning going to live with your Father, there is only so much you can take i mean being told your rubbish is not fair or right because you are not, afteall with regard to grades at the end of the day you and your sister put the hard work in.
Your 19 now you can make your own decision in what you do in life, i don't like saying the marriage ain't working but either your mother need to seek help or otherwise the marriage will be gone.
Should the worse come to worse i'd be doing the same in your shoes meaning going to live with your Father, there is only so much you can take i mean being told your rubbish is not fair or right because you are not, afteall with regard to grades at the end of the day you and your sister put the hard work in.
Your 19 now you can make your own decision in what you do in life, i don't like saying the marriage ain't working but either your mother need to seek help or otherwise the marriage will be gone.
My mother was like this for a few years, it was AWFUL. I hated her at times and just couldn't be bothered with even talking to her and didn't care if she got upset because i'd had too much. She NEVER listened and I can really relate to the example of the phone on the sofa thing, sounds trivial doesn't it but it's so irriating. Once I used her PC and then she went on it and it wouldn't open a page on internet explorer..my god.. I never heard the last of that..I'd broken her computer apparently because I was a selfish brat! ? oook lol. She once threw a sausage at me (LOL, but it was not funny at the time) cos she cooked a dinner EVEN THOUGH she knew I was a vegetarian and had been for months but she still expected me to eat it? Then she'd start crying about how I was so rude to her..
Then she went to the doctors and found out she was going through the menopause. They put her on HRT and it got a bit better...slowly!
I'm not sure how old your mum is/circumstances etc but that was what happened in my case. It's strange you also say there was a problem in the past with your grandparents, so they don't talk to your mother, it was the same with mine too!
Then she went to the doctors and found out she was going through the menopause. They put her on HRT and it got a bit better...slowly!
I'm not sure how old your mum is/circumstances etc but that was what happened in my case. It's strange you also say there was a problem in the past with your grandparents, so they don't talk to your mother, it was the same with mine too!
OH and the privacy thing too, my mum read my diary, used to look at my text messages and i had to password protect my PC cos she read an msn message(of course she didnt understand the fact people had screen names) and assumed all sorts of things that weren't true!
~She also used to do thsi really annoying thing in changing rooms where shed just open the curtain and barge in while i was changing >< ok she still does that
I really hope it gets better for you I know how you feel!
Suggest her going to the doctors, try and get your family involved with it...I know she'll probably not be too happy with the suggestion at first but ..its worth a try
~She also used to do thsi really annoying thing in changing rooms where shed just open the curtain and barge in while i was changing >< ok she still does that
I really hope it gets better for you I know how you feel!
Suggest her going to the doctors, try and get your family involved with it...I know she'll probably not be too happy with the suggestion at first but ..its worth a try
I'm not sure how old your mum is/circumstances etc but that was what happened in my case. It's strange you also say there was a problem in the past with your grandparents, so they don't talk to your mother, it was the same with mine too!
My mum has had ME/CFS for the past 20ish years and I think she is on HRT as she had a hystorectomy about 5 years ago (She is now 53/54ish.) She has also had 3/4 (can't remember how many) major operations over the past 10 years. My grandparents were perfectly amenable to talking to my mother it was just her that woud not talk to them.
I've also suggested that we all go and see someone who could help but in her eyes she does not have a problem at all and it is all my sister's, my Dad's and my fault. I just wish she could see herself as other people see her but it's like she exists in a bubble and cannot see what she is doing to other people.
Should the worse come to worse i'd be doing the same in your shoes meaning going to live with your Father
This in theory sounds like an attractive option, but my mum has a bigger share in the house (inheritance) therefore she would get to keep it until my sister finishes 6th form in 2 years and get the bigger proportion from the proceeds. Also if my parents get divorced my dad would have to give her 1/2 of his pension (my mum was a nurse but hasn't worked since I was born 19 years ago). My Dad has worked really really hard to provide for all of us and I do not want to see him have to move out of our house and live in reduced means because of my mother, I would prefer her to move out but that is not going to happen. I just need some new suggestions on what to do because I really can't think what else I can do.
What about suggesting that the problem is you not her, that you're unhappy with the way things are and maybe family therapy could help? Doesn't matter who is supposedly to blame if it gets the right outcome. An outsider will be able to observe and comment objectively. She is probably very unhappy herself, sounds as if she's had a lot of health problems and doesn't know how to cope except by taking it out on other people.
Good luck
Good luck
Family therapy is a great idea.
I suggest a family ambush, not as harsh as it sounds.
Get your dad your sister and yourself to talk to her all at once and say that you all feel you could all benefit from it. Best if your Dad approaches her.
She probably won't agree, but then again maybe she will.
Important thing is that none of you can loose your temper. This is very important as once you've lost your temper you're in the wrong (in her eyes) and she doesn't have to listen to what you say.
I suggest a family ambush, not as harsh as it sounds.
Get your dad your sister and yourself to talk to her all at once and say that you all feel you could all benefit from it. Best if your Dad approaches her.
She probably won't agree, but then again maybe she will.
Important thing is that none of you can loose your temper. This is very important as once you've lost your temper you're in the wrong (in her eyes) and she doesn't have to listen to what you say.
We tried an ambush and once again it turned into a slanging match! I may try the approach of saying that it is my fault. Maybe that way she would actually consent to doing something? Argh, it is so difficult!
I can soooooo relate to this. My dad is very similar (not as bad or worse in some situations). It lead to my step-mum divorcing him and so it's just me and my father (though my younger brother comes over sometimes). He can't admit when he's wrong and won't listen to anyone else's opinion apart from his own. He also takes credit for my success (I can relate to that GCSE thing). I've thought about therapy but I know he won't take it seriously (he wouldn't listen to other family membes who tried to reconcile my parents' marriage). Thing is my situation gets more complicated (my dad left my biological mum, who is living in another country, when I was young, plus I have a twin set of half brothers that he had with another woman). I've thought about living with my step-mum but know it's not an option (although she loves me very much, she's always kinda seen me as my dad's responsibiliy). It's really difficult!!! 
It's leaves you inbetween a rock and a hard place.
I think you need some time apart from your mum. You said your 19 - are you going to uni? My advice would be to go into halls (if you are going). It will give your some kind of independance and time and space to evaluate and think about things. It'll also give you some cooling off time, and maybe your mum will miss you when your gone (I've noticed my dad softens up a little bit when I spend 2-3 days away from home - then he starts again
). Write her a letter telling her how you feel, and say you don't want to argue with her, you just want her to listen to you more. Try having a one-to-one (after enough time apart). If she really loves you, she will listen. It also seems you have some issues you need to explore with your mum about the past (kinda like me and my dad).
Believe me - opening up to females is far more easier than opening up to you males (and being a guy doesn't help either!!).
It's leaves you inbetween a rock and a hard place.I think you need some time apart from your mum. You said your 19 - are you going to uni? My advice would be to go into halls (if you are going). It will give your some kind of independance and time and space to evaluate and think about things. It'll also give you some cooling off time, and maybe your mum will miss you when your gone (I've noticed my dad softens up a little bit when I spend 2-3 days away from home - then he starts again
). Write her a letter telling her how you feel, and say you don't want to argue with her, you just want her to listen to you more. Try having a one-to-one (after enough time apart). If she really loves you, she will listen. It also seems you have some issues you need to explore with your mum about the past (kinda like me and my dad). Believe me - opening up to females is far more easier than opening up to you males (and being a guy doesn't help either!!).
Yes. I'm going to be about 3 1/2 hours drive away and staying in halls. I really hope me moving out improves the situation but I doubt it. I'm just worried what will happen if my parents get divorced, not to me but to my Dad because I do not want to see him go through the divorce courts and come out with very little. I don't think I could forgive my mother if she did that. I think that would be one of the worst things that could happen.
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