The Student Room Group

This is so Difficult & Messed Up!

4 Months back I started to date this girl. Shes amazing, cute and has a brilliant personality.
We got to physical too quickly and it remained that way for over 2 month (it was a long distance relationship).
From the day we started dating she told me her parents wanted her to marry another guy and that chances of me and her being together in the long run was very slim.
I accepted that and carried on.
On the day of the 2nd month anniversary, I took who to a musical and we had a really good day but towards the end of the day she had a headache and wasnt speaking much.
We sat down and finally she spoke and told me 'she's engaged to a guy'. She would chat nearly every day/text to this guy everyday, which then made sense. She said she didnt love him but respected him allot as he was there when she had her accident and her merroy was lost for over a month (accident happened before I knew her).
The guy is from Australia and her parents/family adore him and all think hes a perfect match for him.

Ayway she had to leave towards the end of the 2nd month to go back to her home country. We was still an item at the time. She tried confronting her parents about this guy, but they said to keep trying as she would be making a very wrong move.

Anyway so while she was at home we broke up as it got to much but we spoke nealry every day on the phone or atleast texted.

She is now back in UK (3 weeks back). I met her last week and we discussed things and we decided we would be in a relationship without a physical side as she felt guilty and sinful. She wanted to be friends but I couldnt give her that but after the discussion about cutting the physical factor she agreed and seemed happy.

She came down on Monday and we spent the day together with my mates (b/day Party). She was very anti social and seemed down. I asked her a few times if she was ok and she said yes. Towards the end of the day we left an hour early as she wanted to go home. While we was walking we sat down and we spoke. I asked her again is everything ok and she started to mention her brother (he has a problem, Skitzophenia). She became emotiional and I gave her a hug and allowed her to rest her head in my lap.

After a good 30mins I took her shopping to cheer her up, while shopping I kind of ended up holdin her allot and we kissed twice.
She told me over 4-5 to stop holding her and stuff but I allowed myelf to get carried away.
When I dropped her back home I apologised.

Next day, she was 1 hour and 30mins late to where we was suppose to meet, so I was a bit pissed off.
I showed her how pissed off I was by telling her, then she went all qiet on me. After my 10mins of temper I tried to get her to speak but nothing.
I took her to a park and we spoke and she said 'I prayed to good to give me a sign if this was right or wrong and we argue first thing'. So I told her wat shall we do, again we came to an agreement where the physical factor was cut but I give her space and allow her to be clogged when she wants.

The day got worse as we didnt speak much after that even though we agreed to continue being close. She then met her friend which was where I was suppose to wait for her. I waited an hour and called to see if she was staying for an additonal hour wid her friend or comming now. She mentioned she was stayin with her friend until 8pm as she didnt know her friend had allot of time and hadnt seen her in over a year.

So I felt a bit hurt and let her know that, as I spent over 1 hour travelling to see her and spend time and all we did was argue first thing and then keep quiet. She assured me things were ok and she just wanted to spend time with her mate.
After few hours I met my mates and I called to tell her that we was about so if u wanted to meet when she was done she could. Instead she called me and mates to do Shisha with her mate. We went, we all spoke and seemed ok.

As we was leaving she asked me to not drop her off by the underground. I asked why not as I always do. She said she wanted to feel independent and somthing she wated to do herself. I tried to get an answer out of her as clearly it wasnt that and finally we got speaking and she said it become a stage where we dont have anything to hang on to.
Theres too much going against us and she just wants to remain friends.

I felt hurt as after the discussion in the morning I wudnt expect her to change her mind again so soon even though the day turned out really ****.
Anyway she seemed adement to not change her mind and told me to think rationally, as I still wanted to be with her.

In the end I accepted it and we hugged and decided to meet today to go shopping.

I slept quite easy but when I woke up, I couldnt get back to sleep.
I called her up and she seemed she was awake as well and I told her I couldnt sleep and there was this silence and then she goes she going to rest.

Were meeting up in few hours, im feeling like **** as I really do Love her and I know somewhere inside of her there is this Love but she wont express it, as the future for us is very slim as an item.

I dunno what to do but I had to let this out...

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1
It's going to sound harsh, but... get over it.

I've been in a similar situation (though different: she wanted to be with me madly, but wouldn't let herself because she didn't trust me) and ultimately I realised the best thing I could do was to cut contact and to start thinking about other women.

It helped a lot. And fast, too.
Reply 2
Mr.God
It's going to sound harsh, but... get over it.

I've been in a similar situation (though different: she wanted to be with me madly, but wouldn't let herself because she didn't trust me) and ultimately I realised the best thing I could do was to cut contact and to start thinking about other women.

It helped a lot. And fast, too.

Were meeting today, should I try anything or just be normal?
Anonymous
Were meeting today, should I try anything or just be normal?


No more Shisha for you m'lad...
Reply 4
If I were you I'd just be normal and say you don't want to see her any more. It might seem harsh, but it'll spare you a lot of pain.
Reply 5
Mr.God
If I were you I'd just be normal and say you don't want to see her any more. It might seem harsh, but it'll spare you a lot of pain.

but the fact weve broken up before twice and got back means it wont happen again? Should I leave it with no hope at all?
Anonymous
After a good 30mins I took her shopping to cheer her up, while shopping I kind of ended up holdin her allot and we kissed twice.
She told me over 4-5 to stop holding her and stuff but I allowed myelf to get carried away.
You what?! :eek:

I just heard a McFly song and thought of you, sunshine:
She was looking kinda sad and lonely, and I was thinking to myself if only...
She'd give me a smile but it's not gonna happen that way..
So I took it upon myself to ask her "would you like company and maybe after,
We could talk a while but I just wouldn't know what to say..."
Now and then she looks in my direction - I'm hoping for a sign of her affection,
But shes in denial and she's got some worries today..

But I think if she'll give me a chance, I'll pleasantly surprise her
Help me babe I gotta get over you..
She has everything that she wants and I just cant explain so,
Help me babe I gotta get over you
Reply 7
Anonymous
but the fact weve broken up before twice and got back means it wont happen again? Should I leave it with no hope at all?

She's messing you around. This whole thing seems like a misadventure. I know you want her, but find someone who doesn't have a fiancee and who won't keep both of you going at the same time.
I agree with MR.God shes just having her cake and eating it, she's a manipulative girl who seems enjoy a thrill of stringing people along and your another victim, i feel sorry for the lad she is engaged to, i would just cut all contact with her and find a girl who has more respect for you.
Reply 9
Carl1982
I agree with MR.God shes just having her cake and eating it, she's a manipulative girl who seems enjoy a thrill of stringing people along and your another victim, i feel sorry for the lad she is engaged to, i would just cut all contact with her and find a girl who has more respect for you.

She is not stringing me along as she told me this from day 1. Although she didnt say she was actually in contact with the guy shes suppose to marry until the 2nd month, she did mention we had very slim chances of having a future.
It seems to me she is just majorly confused.

Yesterday we went shopping together and after a quiet start, we got on well and enjoyed each others company. I bought her some earings and when she was choosing her makeup she would ask me to help her and she was totaly back in to me.

Then as we entered the last shop, I told her when im back from my holiday I will help you shop. She then mentioned about cutting contact with each other after I got back from my holiday, which we kind of agreed the day before yesterday. This pissed me off as we had such a good time.
She then got pissed off with me and mentioned why did I have to spoil the day but making an issue of somthing weve already discussed. I told her I didnt want to hear it but she said its the reality of our situation.
So after a while of being pissed off she calmed and so did I and we ended the day with a meal of our first date.

It's hard as she is an amazing girl and she has been straight with me about most things that are relevant, just need the strength to cut down but were both not doing that.
Shes leaving on monday (going back up north) so the time apart might help cut things.... I Hope
Anonymous
It's hard as she is an amazing girl and she has been straight with me about most things that are relevant, just need the strength to cut down but were both not doing that.
Shes leaving on monday (going back up north) so the time apart might help cut things.... I Hope


Fair enough she's telling you what's going on but she's still messing you around, and you're allowing her to. She probably knows exactly how much you like her and she's enjoying knowing that she can act however she likes (she sounds really quite stroppy and immature, tbh) and still have your attention. Simply, she's taking advantage.

You've already split up twice, and from what you've said you argue every time you see each other. No matter how much it might feel like you love her you have, as you've already said, little chance of working things out. She's hurting you because you're allowing her to do it, move on and stop letting it happen...
Reply 11
misslibby
Fair enough she's telling you what's going on but she's still messing you around, and you're allowing her to. She probably knows exactly how much you like her and she's enjoying knowing that she can act however she likes (she sounds really quite stroppy and immature, tbh) and still have your attention. Simply, she's taking advantage.

You've already split up twice, and from what you've said you argue every time you see each other. No matter how much it might feel like you love her you have, as you've already said, little chance of working things out. She's hurting you because you're allowing her to do it, move on and stop letting it happen...

Well how can she be messing me about and enjoying it? I mean she told me I deserve better and she has been the one each time who said we needed to remain friends but I persuaded her to carry on. She has said it from month 2 that we should be friends because of no future. So I think its unlikely shes playing me about but its hard to move on.
Reply 12
she told me I deserve better


Its the whole guilt trip of i am not too good for you so you tell her how amazing she is. Old trick really

we got on well and enjoyed each others company. I bought her some earings. she was totaly back in to me


I am sorry mate you seem like a nice guy but she really is just using you from what i can see. If she won't be with you don't settle for second best and go out and buy her stuff. No wonder she is taking advantage of you. Leave her alone mate and let her contact you. Play a bit more hard to get atleast if your not going to stop meeting up with her but i recommend you just move on.
Three words- 'Me or him?'

There's at least one better for you out there than her.
Anonymous
4 Months back I started to date this girl. Shes amazing, cute and has a brilliant personality.
We got to physical too quickly and it remained that way for over 2 month (it was a long distance relationship).
From the day we started dating she told me her parents wanted her to marry another guy and that chances of me and her being together in the long run was very slim.
I accepted that and carried on.
On the day of the 2nd month anniversary, I took who to a musical and we had a really good day but towards the end of the day she had a headache and wasnt speaking much.
We sat down and finally she spoke and told me 'she's engaged to a guy'. She would chat nearly every day/text to this guy everyday, which then made sense. She said she didnt love him but respected him allot as he was there when she had her accident and her merroy was lost for over a month (accident happened before I knew her).
The guy is from Australia and her parents/family adore him and all think hes a perfect match for him.

Ayway she had to leave towards the end of the 2nd month to go back to her home country. We was still an item at the time. She tried confronting her parents about this guy, but they said to keep trying as she would be making a very wrong move.

Anyway so while she was at home we broke up as it got to much but we spoke nealry every day on the phone or atleast texted.

She is now back in UK (3 weeks back). I met her last week and we discussed things and we decided we would be in a relationship without a physical side as she felt guilty and sinful. She wanted to be friends but I couldnt give her that but after the discussion about cutting the physical factor she agreed and seemed happy.

She came down on Monday and we spent the day together with my mates (b/day Party). She was very anti social and seemed down. I asked her a few times if she was ok and she said yes. Towards the end of the day we left an hour early as she wanted to go home. While we was walking we sat down and we spoke. I asked her again is everything ok and she started to mention her brother (he has a problem, Skitzophenia). She became emotiional and I gave her a hug and allowed her to rest her head in my lap.

After a good 30mins I took her shopping to cheer her up, while shopping I kind of ended up holdin her allot and we kissed twice.
She told me over 4-5 to stop holding her and stuff but I allowed myelf to get carried away.
When I dropped her back home I apologised.

Next day, she was 1 hour and 30mins late to where we was suppose to meet, so I was a bit pissed off.
I showed her how pissed off I was by telling her, then she went all qiet on me. After my 10mins of temper I tried to get her to speak but nothing.
I took her to a park and we spoke and she said 'I prayed to good to give me a sign if this was right or wrong and we argue first thing'. So I told her wat shall we do, again we came to an agreement where the physical factor was cut but I give her space and allow her to be clogged when she wants.

The day got worse as we didnt speak much after that even though we agreed to continue being close. She then met her friend which was where I was suppose to wait for her. I waited an hour and called to see if she was staying for an additonal hour wid her friend or comming now. She mentioned she was stayin with her friend until 8pm as she didnt know her friend had allot of time and hadnt seen her in over a year.

So I felt a bit hurt and let her know that, as I spent over 1 hour travelling to see her and spend time and all we did was argue first thing and then keep quiet. She assured me things were ok and she just wanted to spend time with her mate.
After few hours I met my mates and I called to tell her that we was about so if u wanted to meet when she was done she could. Instead she called me and mates to do Shisha with her mate. We went, we all spoke and seemed ok.

As we was leaving she asked me to not drop her off by the underground. I asked why not as I always do. She said she wanted to feel independent and somthing she wated to do herself. I tried to get an answer out of her as clearly it wasnt that and finally we got speaking and she said it become a stage where we dont have anything to hang on to.
Theres too much going against us and she just wants to remain friends.

I felt hurt as after the discussion in the morning I wudnt expect her to change her mind again so soon even though the day turned out really ****.
Anyway she seemed adement to not change her mind and told me to think rationally, as I still wanted to be with her.

In the end I accepted it and we hugged and decided to meet today to go shopping.

I slept quite easy but when I woke up, I couldnt get back to sleep.
I called her up and she seemed she was awake as well and I told her I couldnt sleep and there was this silence and then she goes she going to rest.

Were meeting up in few hours, im feeling like **** as I really do Love her and I know somewhere inside of her there is this Love but she wont express it, as the future for us is very slim as an item.

I dunno what to do but I had to let this out...




what do you mean you got too physical too soon?
You're in a long distance relationship. How much longer would you want to leave it? till whenever you might end up by chance seeing her again?

To be fair, she sounds like a prick tease to me.

You shouldnt berate yourself for kissing the girl. It takes two to kiss. Plus shes been giving you total mixed signals.

Dont get all emotional with her like you sound here and stop feeling so upset.

sounds like you have all the worst aspects of a relationship going down the pan without the fun balance. Personally I'd say **** her off and find someone who lives a bit closer to you.

I agree with matey above when he says theres 3 words you should say to her.

You're the one with the balls. Regain the control in your 'relationship'
She'd be much prettier in a skirt, she doesnt need the trousers.
Reply 15
Anonymous
4 Months back I started to date this girl. Shes amazing, cute and has a brilliant personality.
We got to physical too quickly and it remained that way for over 2 month (it was a long distance relationship).
From the day we started dating she told me her parents wanted her to marry another guy and that chances of me and her being together in the long run was very slim.
I accepted that and carried on.
On the day of the 2nd month anniversary, I took who to a musical and we had a really good day but towards the end of the day she had a headache and wasnt speaking much.
We sat down and finally she spoke and told me 'she's engaged to a guy'. She would chat nearly every day/text to this guy everyday, which then made sense. She said she didnt love him but respected him allot as he was there when she had her accident and her merroy was lost for over a month (accident happened before I knew her).
The guy is from Australia and her parents/family adore him and all think hes a perfect match for him.

Ayway she had to leave towards the end of the 2nd month to go back to her home country. We was still an item at the time. She tried confronting her parents about this guy, but they said to keep trying as she would be making a very wrong move.

Anyway so while she was at home we broke up as it got to much but we spoke nealry every day on the phone or atleast texted.

She is now back in UK (3 weeks back). I met her last week and we discussed things and we decided we would be in a relationship without a physical side as she felt guilty and sinful. She wanted to be friends but I couldnt give her that but after the discussion about cutting the physical factor she agreed and seemed happy.

She came down on Monday and we spent the day together with my mates (b/day Party). She was very anti social and seemed down. I asked her a few times if she was ok and she said yes. Towards the end of the day we left an hour early as she wanted to go home. While we was walking we sat down and we spoke. I asked her again is everything ok and she started to mention her brother (he has a problem, Skitzophenia). She became emotiional and I gave her a hug and allowed her to rest her head in my lap.

After a good 30mins I took her shopping to cheer her up, while shopping I kind of ended up holdin her allot and we kissed twice.
She told me over 4-5 to stop holding her and stuff but I allowed myelf to get carried away.
When I dropped her back home I apologised.

Next day, she was 1 hour and 30mins late to where we was suppose to meet, so I was a bit pissed off.
I showed her how pissed off I was by telling her, then she went all qiet on me. After my 10mins of temper I tried to get her to speak but nothing.
I took her to a park and we spoke and she said 'I prayed to good to give me a sign if this was right or wrong and we argue first thing'. So I told her wat shall we do, again we came to an agreement where the physical factor was cut but I give her space and allow her to be clogged when she wants.

The day got worse as we didnt speak much after that even though we agreed to continue being close. She then met her friend which was where I was suppose to wait for her. I waited an hour and called to see if she was staying for an additonal hour wid her friend or comming now. She mentioned she was stayin with her friend until 8pm as she didnt know her friend had allot of time and hadnt seen her in over a year.

So I felt a bit hurt and let her know that, as I spent over 1 hour travelling to see her and spend time and all we did was argue first thing and then keep quiet. She assured me things were ok and she just wanted to spend time with her mate.
After few hours I met my mates and I called to tell her that we was about so if u wanted to meet when she was done she could. Instead she called me and mates to do Shisha with her mate. We went, we all spoke and seemed ok.

As we was leaving she asked me to not drop her off by the underground. I asked why not as I always do. She said she wanted to feel independent and somthing she wated to do herself. I tried to get an answer out of her as clearly it wasnt that and finally we got speaking and she said it become a stage where we dont have anything to hang on to.
Theres too much going against us and she just wants to remain friends.

I felt hurt as after the discussion in the morning I wudnt expect her to change her mind again so soon even though the day turned out really ****.
Anyway she seemed adement to not change her mind and told me to think rationally, as I still wanted to be with her.

In the end I accepted it and we hugged and decided to meet today to go shopping.

I slept quite easy but when I woke up, I couldnt get back to sleep.
I called her up and she seemed she was awake as well and I told her I couldnt sleep and there was this silence and then she goes she going to rest.

Were meeting up in few hours, im feeling like **** as I really do Love her and I know somewhere inside of her there is this Love but she wont express it, as the future for us is very slim as an item.

I dunno what to do but I had to let this out...


The only thing that is glaringly obvious to me, is your making it (though perhaps under duress, and therefore through no moral fault of your own) exceedingly difficult for her to do 'the right thing': if she can't bring herself to despise you sufficiently to facilitate an unequivocal separation then she will co-erce a situation whereby you have no choice other than to resent her, to the ultimate effect that her primal (ambivalent) disposition toward you is no longer important. The current situation seems to be escalating, inexorably, towards an acrimonious break-up as it is; unless you would seek to convince her otherwise regarding your mutual future (and she seems intransigent on the matter), why make her dilemma (and the inevitable ensuing emotional trauma) any more harrowing than absolutely necessary?

If nothing else, she is clearly trying to distance herself from you emotionally. Let it go.
Anonymous
Well how can she be messing me about and enjoying it? I mean she told me I deserve better and she has been the one each time who said we needed to remain friends but I persuaded her to carry on. She has said it from month 2 that we should be friends because of no future. So I think its unlikely shes playing me about but its hard to move on.


A lot girls would be flattered to get the level of attention she's getting, from two guys.

Think logically about her telling you that you deserve better. If you had a girl who was so adorable, clever, beautiful, all those good things, that she could be deserving of loads people that you consider 'better' than yourself...But she's not with them, she's with you. Would you really keep trying to break up with her on that basis? It's normally just one of those things people say to cushion the blow.
I disagree with alot of the replies here.

My position is the same as yours, it's so similiar and i'm in the stage where we don't talk anymore so listen to my advice and hopefully you'll lose some of it and that it'll be a great help.

Lesson 1, never get pissed off. Trust me, you want this girl and you love her so when things happen you get really pissed off. That's fair play, i was the same. Even though my ex was in the wrong, getting pissed off makes it so much worse. Like she said she was looking for a sign that one time, and what did you do, you got pissed off. Fair enough, i would of been the same. But look at it, if you didn't get pissed off you would be in a better position.

I only read a little of this thread and saw that it was so similiar to my position that i just had to reply asap lol. Trust me, getting pissed off is the key factor that'll lose her. If you want her, sit down, relax and promise yourself that you wont get pissed off. I know she is engaged but in life, sometimes it's "do or die." I had my girlfriend there, i made the difficult stage, perhaps maybe a stage just ahead of where you are at now. She then wanted to be with her ex, when bad stuff happened i got pissed off and eventually i lost her. If i didn't get pissed off, she would of felt less for her ex in time and i would still be with her, i still love my ex and i know how it feels to be in your position.

It sounds like she is really confused, it doesn't make her a manipultive person as some say here, in her position she is torn and doesn't know what to do. My ex used to weight my relationship up constantly, so when your gf/ex gf does this you got to make sure you come up on top. Either this, or let her go and be happy for her. Do you love her enough to learn to be happy for her? It's really hard, and in the time period you are now, i wouldn't of been able to do it, but i came 20% of the time.

Hope that helps.
Anonymous


Lesson 1, never get pissed off. Trust me, you want this girl and you love her so when things happen you get really pissed off. .




you sap. what are you trying to tell him to be? A Doormat?
El Scotto

you sap. what are you trying to tell him to be? A Doormat?


lol the infamous arragont el scotto with his internet cussing.

Well when you love someone you want to keep them, being a doormat for a few weeks or possibly a couple months and being happy for the rest of your life is sometimes better than being depressed and heart broken.

The reason why i see being a doormat here would be benificial is because she isn't messing up manipulatively imo. If she was just sleeping around then dump her and take no ****, but that is not the case. These two people clearly love each other and through bad times, one has to take **** at times and maybe if they get through this then she may have to be a door mat at times.

You sap.