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Being 'The Other Woman'

I have fallen for a married man and it's causing me absolute hell. :frown:

we've had some amazing times, our affair has lasted about 8 months but prior to that we had a strong attraction and flirtation going for years.

He's quite a lot older than i am (i'm 23) But i have ALWAYS been attracted to older guys. If i am honest he is my first love, before he came into my life i hadn't thought myself capable of loving in that way.

We've spent the summer going out walking, to pubs, evenings out, just having real heart-to-hearts and i can confide in him more than i have ever felt able to in anyone.

I just wish he wasn't married and it makes me feel like such a bitch for what i have done to his wife in cheating with him. She doesn't know about the affair but she knows that i am close to her husband and that he finds me really attractive. I believe in Karma so i know this will all come back to me but i am not sure if i could feel a lot worse than i do currently.

He has gone on holiday with his wife now and by the time he returns i will have left for university so it will be months until i see him again and it's killing me.

Reply 1

lolly83

I know this is going to sound horrible, but get out now.
There's no point dating a married man, if he was going to leave his wife for you he'd have done it already, especially as you haven't mentioned kids.
Can you really be satisfied knowing that you'll always be second best to her?
I know that it'll be really hard, but if you really respect yourself then you'll end it.
Go off to uni with a clean start and find someone that'll put you first.
You'll only end up feeling used, disappionted and if his wife ever finds out, incredibly guilty.
For your own sake, your worth so much more.

Reply 2

username47781

20

This cannot possibily work, he's married and will probably never leave his wife, he see's you as his bit on the side i am afraid and he will drop you when he feels like it, end the affair now and fine someone who is not attatched and will appreciate you, put this way by the time he's back from holiday you'll be gone to uni.

Cut your losses and end it now before it gets worse, how would you feel if you was in his wife's position.

Reply 3

mipmapped

13

He's using you to make himself feel young again.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

He says that he loves me and i think it's the truth. I know he wont leave his wife for me, they've been together years and years and he does have children but they're grown up and older than i am.

I wouldn't want him to leave his wife, if he did it would destroy my life in many ways as i couldn't cope with the repercussions from his wife and my parents would find out as he's a family friend and they'd never forgive me.

I just can't help being in love.. or that he is my first love so i have never felt so spun out before.

Reply 5

mipmapped

13

have children but they're grown up and older than i am.

Jeeze, he must be really old.

You can't help being in love no, but the feelings will pass. More quickly if you don't see him.

It's a really bad idea to continue with this.

Go to uni. Have fun. Meet guys your age.

Reply 6

username47781

20

Anonymous

He says that he loves me and i think it's the truth. I know he wont leave his wife for me, they've been together years and years and he does have children but they're grown up and older than i am.

I wouldn't want him to leave his wife, if he did it would destroy my life in many ways as i couldn't cope with the repercussions from his wife and my parents would find out as he's a family friend and they'd never forgive me.

I just can't help being in love.. or that he is my first love so i have never felt so spun out before.

He does not love you, he is using you and having his cake and eating it, he's too old for you for a start, why can't you find someone your own age, the man has children as well and you are forgetting the consquences if this does blow over, if he really loved you he wouldn't be going behind his wife's back.

Seriously end it, you will have so many opportunities to meet new people at uni, because this man is destroying your life and your self esteem.

Reply 7

Mellanie

1

All I can say is....Do you have no shame?

Jeeeeez, get out of this relationship asap is my advice, there are many other "OLDER" men out there whom you can fall for without breaking up such an old marriage, you old marriage-breaker you :p:

Reply 8

prettygreeneyes99

9

you may well be in love with him etc.. but wouldnt you rather ditch him with the chance of being in love with someone who you can actually have a life with, instead of snatched moments behind his wife's back?

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

I told him that once i had gone to university things between he and i would have to change, yes we would still be the best of friends and confidantes, but the sexual element to our relationship was going to have to come to an end. Not just because of the distance between us, but because i need to find someone who i can be with publicly and who puts me as their top priority.

But each night i lie in bed missing him and just feeling so empty. I can't really talk to anyone in person about this as i have kept it a secret from most of my friends and my parents definately know nothing of it.

My life feels like a terrible piece of theatre at the moment. i am having to act 'normal' around my parents so they don't realise how much i am missing this man. i keep feigning headaches etc just so that i can go off to my bedroom and cry. I am ashamed of it, but i am even drinking secretly.

Reply 10

lolly83

If this goes on you risk being ostracised from your family as well.
How would your parents feel if they found out that they're little girl's been sleeping with a family friend. I'm sure they'd forgive you but your relationship would suffer permanently.
If he loved you he'd have left his wife. Simple as.
Your feelings may be very strong for him but how you feel is not what's important here, it's what you choose to do about it.

Reply 11

username47781

20

Anonymous

I told him that once i had gone to university things between he and i would have to change, yes we would still be the best of friends and confidantes, but the sexual element to our relationship was going to have to come to an end. Not just because of the distance between us, but because i need to find someone who i can be with publicly and who puts me as their top priority.

But each night i lie in bed missing him and just feeling so empty. I can't really talk to anyone in person about this as i have kept it a secret from most of my friends and my parents definately know nothing of it.

My life feels like a terrible piece of theatre at the moment. i am having to act 'normal' around my parents so they don't realise how much i am missing this man. i keep feigning headaches etc just so that i can go off to my bedroom and cry. I am ashamed of it, but i am even drinking secretly.

As we keep saying END IT NOW, before you feel worse, then slowly once you get to uni your life will be so much better without him.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

Journey

All I can say is....Do you have no shame?

Jeeeeez, get out of this relationship asap is my advice, there are many other "OLDER" men out there whom you can fall for without breaking up such an old marriage, you old marriage-breaker you :p:

obviously i feel shame, i have said as much in this thread.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

I can't end it any more than it is ended at this point in time. He is away on holiday unitl October and i leave for uni in about a week. So there will be no progression of the relationship in that time and he knows as well as i do that once he has returned from holiday and once i have left for uni he and i are just to be friends. I know it has to be that way but i can't find any way of coping with that in my mind. I can't seem to stop 'mourning' this.

Reply 14

lolly83

It'll get easier, once you get to uni you won't have time to think about him as much, and you can throw yourself into things, socialising, societies etc.
Don't use drink as an answer, it's a slippery road.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

lolly83

It'll get easier, once you get to uni you won't have time to think about him as much, and you can throw yourself into things, socialising, societies etc.
Don't use drink as an answer, it's a slippery road.

I'm hoping that as well. I know that when i was doing my undergraduate degree i was so busy with the academic side, but more than that, with the social side of uni and all my new friends etc that i wouldn't have had time for this.

Reply 16

lolly83

Keep busy, and when you find your mind wandering back to him go occupy it some other way. Go chat to a flatmate or pop down the su or do some studying (though the last one doesn't always work if the text your trying to read is a bit dry!)

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

OP

lolly83

Keep busy, and when you find your mind wandering back to him go occupy it some other way. Go chat to a flatmate or pop down the su or do some studying (though the last one doesn't always work if the text your trying to read is a bit dry!)

thanks for talking about this, it'd be easy for you to make comments like the wonderfully helpful 'home wrecker' comment but you didn't and i appreciate it.

Reply 18

Dragon24

17

Sounds too much of a coincidence like one of my friends.

1. The guy will be amazing, why do you think he was snapped up?

2. Why do people always confuse sex with love? Men know that's what girls like to hear 'I love you' in the moment.

3. If he wanted you he would have left his wife by now, older women are more mature and his wife is showing respect by not sleeping around - not that his behaviour can be condoned.

4. Do you really want to do rubbish at uni over some bloke?

5. When your 60 he will be dead :p:

(joke) but seriously, you are both at different life stages, the things you do at your age he did when you were just a baby.

6. His family will always come first no matter what, in some cases young children are involved which is very sad.

7. These 'heart to hearts' are his way of worming into your knickers like he 'understands you'.

8. I hope you didn't lose your virginity to this guy like my friend did recently? :eek:

that would have been more meaningful if the guy actually cared and wanted to stick around.

9. If he is willing to cheat with you, who said he wouldn't cheat on you?

10. Finally you should forget this 'older men' attitude and start socialising with people your own age who are more around your maturity.

You are 23 and should know by now the consequences of getting involved with a married man.

Reply 19

Clarence

14

Nice use of the !

Being 'The Other Woman'

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