The Student Room Group

self-destructive sex.

I have broached this subject with my friends before but always backed down when i have realised none of them have a clue what i am talking about.

In the past i have been feeling really down and as a means of self-harm almost i have been intimate with people when i haven't necessarily felt ready to.

I first happened in my first month of university and this guy i was kind of friends with came to my bedroom. After a while he started to kiss me etc and although i quite liked the guy i didn't want to have sex with him. But regardless of what i wanted i did it anyway (i don't mean i was forced by him) I just kind of wanted to punish myself and i knew that i would feel really sick with myself for such promiscuity the next day.

A few weeks later the same thing happened with another guy.

I think i have broken the habit but it still really haunts me.

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Reply 1
I don't really know what to suggest.
Technically he raped you if you didn;t want him to have sex with you.
Reply 3
Can't say I've ever heard of this...have you talked to anyone?
Reply 4
Carl1982
Technically he raped you if you didn;t want him to have sex with you.


No it wasn't like that, i gave him the impression i wanted to have sex with him. If i had asked him to stop he would have, I was just acting out of character. I was consenting but it wasn't the 'real' me consenting it was me trying to hurt myself.
Carl1982
Technically he raped you if you didn;t want him to have sex with you.


Wrong. It's only rape if it's not consenting, and she consented to have sex with the guys.
Reply 6
Hmm, I have never heard of that before.

Has something sexual happened in the past that may have triggered these feelings?
Reply 7
Carl1982
Technically he raped you if you didn;t want him to have sex with you.

Don't be stupid. She still willingly had sex, whether it was something she truly wanted or not.
Chumbaniya
Wrong. It's only rape if it's not consenting, and she consented to have sex with the guys.


Well maybe i misunderstood the post slightly, because it is a weird post not sure i even heard of this before, only thing i would suggest is maybe see a councillor.
using sex as a version of self harm is very unhealthy for you, it will haunt you later in life in a serious relationship, why are you using sex to self harm?
I would suggest getting some professional help for it as it could develop some serious problems in the years to come

theres nothing wrong with being promiscious as long as you are careful.
Reply 10
It definately wasn't rape.

You know how some people self-harm like cutting themselves and things like that? well in a way it was like that, i put the feelings of these men before my own feelings, i didn't want to have to say 'no' to them even though i was aware that i didn't want to have sex with them.

The next day i felt disgusted with myself. I had a shower for ages just scrubbing my skin, trying to make myself feel clean when i felt so dirty.

It's not a problem for me any more, i guess i am feeling a little more accepting of it and wondered if anyone else had the same experiences ever?
Carl1982
Technically he raped you if you didn;t want him to have sex with you.


no he didnt she gave him no indication she did not want sex, hes not a mnd reader, if anything she lured him into sex under false pretences she wanted him to sleep with her in order to punish herself
Anonymous
It definately wasn't rape.

You know how some people self-harm like cutting themselves and things like that? well in a way it was like that, i put the feelings of these men before my own feelings, i didn't want to have to say 'no' to them even though i was aware that i didn't want to have sex with them.

The next day i felt disgusted with myself. I had a shower for ages just scrubbing my skin, trying to make myself feel clean when i felt so dirty.

It's not a problem for me any more, i guess i am feeling a little more accepting of it and wondered if anyone else had the same experiences ever?


Well if there's one thing positive to come out of it, least you got over that phase of not wanting it but not stopping it.
Cadre_Of_Storms
no he didnt she gave him no indication she did not want sex, hes not a mnd reader, if anything she lured him into sex under false pretences she wanted him to sleep with her in order to punish herself


No your right as i said i didn't read the bit where she did say she consented, but some of the other idiots here thought i was stupid, i am sure as hell not.
Reply 14
I definately feel you need to talk to someone about this!!! I think you have a view of sex as something bad and wrong, and having random sexual encounters is a form of self punishment because you are unhappy in other areas of your life.
First and foremost, what you did was not wrong, and its not particularly uncommon either (the sex, not the punishing thing), you need to find out whats making you feel you need to self harm in any way, and discuss your emotions, whats going on in your life, and your attitudes to sex with a professional, its the only way you'll be able to work these things out. Visit your GP for a referral, or contact your Student advice line at Uni, most of them have these now
Good luck with everything!!
i know the feeling, i've done it myself in the past. whenever i gave up self harming or got dumped in a ridiculously harsh way i would **** around with people because half of it was the feeling of being wanted, and half of it was because i knew i would feel so **** about it after it would hurt more than any scratch or cut would feel

my main piece of advise is don't get caught in the cycle, because it's just as destructive as cutting after a while
i do the same thing...i hate it that i've slept with people i really wish i hadn't, and when people ask me how many guys i'v slept with my 'real' number in my head is 7, whereas the actual figure is 13. the number of guys iv given oral sex is higher than that. i feel ashamed sometimes, and i hate myself for it. you aren't alone. i've tried asking/telling my friends about it and never get much of a response.
Anonymous
i know the feeling, i've done it myself in the past. whenever i gave up self harming or got dumped in a ridiculously harsh way i would **** around with people because half of it was the feeling of being wanted, and half of it was because i knew i would feel so **** about it after it would hurt more than any scratch or cut would feel

my main piece of advise is don't get caught in the cycle, because it's just as destructive as cutting after a while


That's absolutely true there is no way you want to get yourself in that sort of situation, it can do alot of harm especially to your own health.
i know exaclty how you feel (well sort of).

STOP HAVING SEX


learn how to control yourself and say no. ive stoped having sex with people unless im in a relationship with them, because otherwise im really going to **** up my emotions and mess up my life thinking im a slag and always being used etc.
PM me if you wanna talk or anything :smile:
Reply 19
gossip_girl
i know exaclty how you feel (well sort of).

STOP HAVING SEX


learn how to control yourself and say no. ive stoped having sex with people unless im in a relationship with them, because otherwise im really going to **** up my emotions and mess up my life thinking im a slag and always being used etc.
PM me if you wanna talk or anything :smile:



thanks :smile: