End of LDR and now unemployed boyfriend - help! Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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My boyfriend and I have just closed a year long LDR whilst he was off doing his masters. In that time we were struggling to see each other because of his degree work and my job but managed once a week on average with some rough periods where we wouldn't see each other for a month. Since he has moved home, he is taking a while to figure out what he wants to do next and I'm getting impatient, I feel like I have waited a year whilst our relationship has been in static, we weren't able to go away anywhere together because he has no money and it always feels like I'm waiting for him to work things out before we can actually move on with our lives and progress the relationship. I have said that I do want him to find something soon but I am getting quite frustrated, I've been through a similar situation before which caused a breakup and I don't want it to happen again.

Basically can't work out if I am being unreasonable!
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a10
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend and I have just closed a year long LDR whilst he was off doing his masters. In that time we were struggling to see each other because of his degree work and my job but managed once a week on average with some rough periods where we wouldn't see each other for a month. Since he has moved home, he is taking a while to figure out what he wants to do next and I'm getting impatient, I feel like I have waited a year whilst our relationship has been in static, we weren't able to go away anywhere together because he has no money and it always feels like I'm waiting for him to work things out before we can actually move on with our lives and progress the relationship. I have said that I do want him to find something soon but I am getting quite frustrated, I've been through a similar situation before which caused a breakup and I don't want it to happen again.

Basically can't work out if I am being unreasonable!
Why are you waiting for him to do everything? Why aren't you paying for both of you to go out on a holiday together instead of relying on him? What are you doing with your life currently?

He's going through a stressful time finishing his masters (and as you say hes trying to figure out what he needs to do) and that's when he really needs you most to support him (yes it may be hard but together you could easily make it through a couple of rough patches in a few months) but clearly you're not cut out for him so he deserves better
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CaptainDudeson
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You sound like a bloody mean pooface.
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AR_95
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(Original post by a10)
Why are you waiting for him to do everything? Why aren't you paying for both of you to go out on a holiday together instead of relying on him? What are you doing with your life currently?

He's going through a stressful time finishing his masters (and as you say hes trying to figure out what he needs to do) and that's when he really needs you most to support him (yes it may be hard but together you could easily make it through a couple of rough patches in a few months) but clearly you're not cut out for him so he deserves better
This.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by a10)
Why are you waiting for him to do everything? Why aren't you paying for both of you to go out on a holiday together instead of relying on him? What are you doing with your life currently?

He's going through a stressful time finishing his masters (and as you say hes trying to figure out what he needs to do) and that's when he really needs you most to support him (yes it may be hard but together you could easily make it through a couple of rough patches in a few months) but clearly you're not cut out for him so he deserves better
My b/f has a lot of pride and whilst I have offered to do this, he has outright refused. He is 4 years older than me and took a career break before the masters, and he has now been at home for 2 months whilst he is working out what to do. His masters is now finished and he is not really doing much and still doesn't have much money so I've had to start finding other friends to do things with which he has mentioned he is jealous of, particularly as my friends are mainly male. In terms of what I am doing with life currently, I'm on grad scheme living at home and waiting for him to be employed so we can move out together. Feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place, I can see why people think I might be being selfish but I really don't know what to do now.
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SophiaLDN
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(Original post by a10)
Why are you waiting for him to do everything? Why aren't you paying for both of you to go out on a holiday together instead of relying on him? What are you doing with your life currently?

He's going through a stressful time finishing his masters (and as you say hes trying to figure out what he needs to do) and that's when he really needs you most to support him (yes it may be hard but together you could easily make it through a couple of rough patches in a few months) but clearly you're not cut out for him so he deserves better
Basically this.

Poor guy, im sure he's trying to sort his life out too and isn't being a lazy bum. You're frustrated because you want him to find something soon? Have you stopped to think how he feels? Especially with you breathing down his neck, give the guy a break. Boohoo you didn't go on holiday this year . If you're working, why don't you pay for him too? Or go with your own friends rather than him? If you want someone who has their life together already then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place & you should have went for someone who is in a position you're happy with (like an older guy or someone who has a career going already). It sounds like you're just nagging him. What exactly do you want from him?

Edit: Reading your post above, he also needs to get a grip. Why is he jealous? He should want you to have fun rather than mope around with him. Just dont rub it in his face as he is broke. Maybe you could help him try to figure out what he wants? Help him search?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SophiaLDN)
Basically this.

Poor guy, im sure he's trying to sort his life out too and isn't being a lazy bum. You're frustrated because you want him to find something soon? Have you stopped to think how he feels? Especially with you breathing down his neck, give the guy a break. Boohoo you didn't go on holiday this year . If you're working, why don't you pay for him too? Or go with your own friends rather than him? If you want someone who has their life together already then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place & you should have went for someone who is in a position you're happy with (like an older guy or someone who has a career going already). It sounds like you're just nagging him. What exactly do you want from him?

Edit: Reading your post above, he also needs to get a grip. Why is he jealous? He should want you to have fun rather than mope around with him. Just dont rub it in his face as he is broke. Maybe you could help him try to figure out what he wants? Help him search?
I do agree with your first point, I do feel really mean for feeling like this. But at the same time, I feel like my life is having to go on hold for him, I feel conscious about having made other friends to do things with in the LDR which he isn't happy with as he can't join in because of his money situation, and despite absolutely loving to travel, he explicitly asked me not to go this year because I would be using up precious holiday days which I could be using to see him when he was away. I don't at all rub in the face he's broke, if anything I am reluctant to suggest doing anything because I'm conscious he has no income coming in so would feel cruel forcing him into a position where he has to turn things down because of money. It's just a horrible situation. And yep, been trying to help him figure out what he wants. he just needs to get down and do it!
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SophiaLDN
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I do agree with your first point, I do feel really mean for feeling like this. But at the same time, I feel like my life is having to go on hold for him, I feel conscious about having made other friends to do things with in the LDR which he isn't happy with as he can't join in because of his money situation, and despite absolutely loving to travel, he explicitly asked me not to go this year because I would be using up precious holiday days which I could be using to see him when he was away. I don't at all rub in the face he's broke, if anything I am reluctant to suggest doing anything because I'm conscious he has no income coming in so would feel cruel forcing him into a position where he has to turn things down because of money. It's just a horrible situation. And yep, been trying to help him figure out what he wants. he just needs to get down and do it!
Wow, he sounds horrible to be around. Why is he being so miserable? From your first post, I felt sorry for him but now..... yeah I can see why you're feeling like this. Your life is basically at a standstill because of him. Is there a time frame of when he plans on making his mind up? Just sit him down tell him that his decisions are affecting your life. He clearly does know this, because he's being jealous and is actually asking you to not do things that he can't. Being supportive in a relationship goes both ways. You've clearly supported him during the LDR and he's not picking up the weight.

I think you have to decide if you want to be in this relationship for the long haul (including money problems and such) or to go your separate ways and for you to find someone who is in a similar situation to you and has a hold of their life. I might add, money and career problems could happen to anyone at anytime. He might have a great career and is suddenly redundant and can't find a job at all. Or that could happen to you. So I personally don't think you should be basing your decision off money problems alone tbh. If he's a great guy apart from this situation, just stick by him and ride the wave. But not forever obvs, you need to have a life too. I think your main problem is for him to stop being so miserable and to let you have a life outside of him as it's not your fault he is broke. So have a word with him.
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llys
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I don't understand how your life is "on hold" because of this TBH. Whether you move out now or in six months doesn't really make much of a difference in the long run. That said, I hope he finds something soon. In the meantime, maybe try to find things to do that don't cost much money? Go running / cycling / hiking, cook dinner together for your or his parents or something like that. (Maybe not exactly that, but you get the idea.)
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SophiaLDN)
Wow, he sounds horrible to be around. Why is he being so miserable? From your first post, I felt sorry for him but now..... yeah I can see why you're feeling like this. Your life is basically at a standstill because of him. Is there a time frame of when he plans on making his mind up? Just sit him down tell him that his decisions are affecting your life. He clearly does know this, because he's being jealous and is actually asking you to not do things that he can't. Being supportive in a relationship goes both ways. You've clearly supported him during the LDR and he's not picking up the weight.

I think you have to decide if you want to be in this relationship for the long haul (including money problems and such) or to go your separate ways and for you to find someone who is in a similar situation to you and has a hold of their life. I might add, money and career problems could happen to anyone at anytime. He might have a great career and is suddenly redundant and can't find a job at all. Or that could happen to you. So I personally don't think you should be basing your decision off money problems alone tbh. If he's a great guy apart from this situation, just stick by him and ride the wave. But not forever obvs, you need to have a life too. I think your main problem is for him to stop being so miserable and to let you have a life outside of him as it's not your fault he is broke. So have a word with him.
He is an amazing guy except for this, but I have been through the exact same situation with my ex where the relationship was in static as he couldn't be bothered to try to get a job and I ended it. Now I feel like I've regressed and it is happening all over again! I do want to try to ride this wave, I just really hope it doesn't last too long. Thanks though, I think I need to really talk to him some more.
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SophiaLDN
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He is an amazing guy except for this, but I have been through the exact same situation with my ex where the relationship was in static as he couldn't be bothered to try to get a job and I ended it. Now I feel like I've regressed and it is happening all over again! I do want to try to ride this wave, I just really hope it doesn't last too long. Thanks though, I think I need to really talk to him some more.
Understandable as your ex wasn't even trying to get a job. Atleast this one is trying to find work, but he wants the right one for him. I think the best thing is to talk to him and just tell him exactly how you feel and why you're anxious about his current situation. Be very serious so he gets it. You're welcome, goodluck!
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pickup
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I guess if he's just finished his Masters he's feeling somewhat drained particularly if he's done it straight after a degree which he must have worked really hard for.

He just needs time. Just try and chat casually , very casually about what you are thinking of doing and ask his opinion of what he thinks is best. In this way you may get him to open up about his plans too.
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