Very clingy, possessive and angry boyfriend..? Watch

Anonymous #1
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I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for one year now. He goes to university a few hours away from where I live so we see each other every 2 weeks or so. During holidays we're always together. I'm 21 and he's 24.

Please note that I love him dearly and care about him very much and he loves me very much

-He's been very clingy since the beginning of the relationship. He literally wants to text/phone each other pretty much all day when I'm not at work or he's not in uni. He gets annoyed if I don't reply to his text message within say 10 minutes. So when i'm at home i'm literally glued to my phone and sometimes just want to watch a movie without having to text him every minute. When I confronted him about this he got really annoyed and says things like: "we hardly see each other, how else are we suppose to communicate?", "Who else would you be texting?". He lives on his own and always says how he feels lonely, and me texting etc makes him feel less alone.
-When I finish work he demands I text him as soon as I finish. If I text a little late if I had to catch up with things, he starts accusing me of flirting or doing all sorts with my colleagues. (We are faithful to each other and its both our first relationship, so there's no reason why he shouldn't trust me)
-He doesn't like me having any friends. In fact, I've lost all communication with my friends. He feels us being in a relationship is sufficient enough. I once replied to a guy friend and he totally flipped out and accused me of liking him and wanting to be with him.
-He gets really jealous and doesn't like me wearing 'revealing' clothing, I dress decently though..
-When we're together he literally wants to spend every second together. He got upset once because I was talking to my mum and sister and he started saying it is as if he's not there and I'm just forgetting him.
-When we argue he gets very angry and starts verbally abusing me and calling me really hurting things.
-When we together and arguing sometimes he has got physical.. not hit me. But pinning me down and stopping me from leaving. Holding me face to face him to look at him. Squeezing me.
(The above I've given him an ultimatum, that if he does it again I'm leaving him. However, this has happened quite a few times)

There's loads more. But that's just a few.

Basically I don't want to leave him. I really don't want to. I love him with all my heart. I just want to know how to deal with it and get him to change? What do I say or do? Cos what he is doing is unhealthy right?
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lyrical_lie
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for one year now. He goes to university a few hours away from where I live so we see each other every 2 weeks or so. During holidays we're always together. I'm 21 and he's 24.

Please note that I love him dearly and care about him very much and he loves me very much

-He's been very clingy since the beginning of the relationship. He literally wants to text/phone each other pretty much all day when I'm not at work or he's not in uni. He gets annoyed if I don't reply to his text message within say 10 minutes. So when i'm at home i'm literally glued to my phone and sometimes just want to watch a movie without having to text him every minute. When I confronted him about this he got really annoyed and says things like: "we hardly see each other, how else are we suppose to communicate?", "Who else would you be texting?". He lives on his own and always says how he feels lonely, and me texting etc makes him feel less alone.
-When I finish work he demands I text him as soon as I finish. If I text a little late if I had to catch up with things, he starts accusing me of flirting or doing all sorts with my colleagues. (We are faithful to each other and its both our first relationship, so there's no reason why he shouldn't trust me)
-He doesn't like me having any friends. In fact, I've lost all communication with my friends. He feels us being in a relationship is sufficient enough. I once replied to a guy friend and he totally flipped out and accused me of liking him and wanting to be with him.
-He gets really jealous and doesn't like me wearing 'revealing' clothing, I dress decently though..
-When we're together he literally wants to spend every second together. He got upset once because I was talking to my mum and sister and he started saying it is as if he's not there and I'm just forgetting him.
-When we argue he gets very angry and starts verbally abusing me and calling me really hurting things.
-When we together and arguing sometimes he has got physical.. not hit me. But pinning me down and stopping me from leaving. Holding me face to face him to look at him. Squeezing me.
(The above I've given him an ultimatum, that if he does it again I'm leaving him. However, this has happened quite a few times)

There's loads more. But that's just a few.

Basically I don't want to leave him. I really don't want to. I love him with all my heart. I just want to know how to deal with it and get him to change? What do I say or do? Cos what he is doing is unhealthy right?
You say you don't want to leave him but personally I think, as you said yourself, it's unhealthy. Abuse from partners should not be tolerated. You have went through a huge list of things you don't like about your relationship but still don't see that it might be better for you to leave. You should have a life outwith your boyfriend and be able to speak to your family without worrying about paying him attention. Maybe have a look at these people and they'll be able to help you a lot further than we can on here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

Good luck to you and I really hope you can get something sorted. Also if you just want someone to chat to feel free to PM me.
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Musie Suzie
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He is not going to improve his behaviour. He sees how he is as perfectly normal, reasonable, and non-problematic. This is why he will not change. Additionally, you have given him ultimatums about his behaviour and not stuck to them.

I know you don't want to leave him, but the alternative is putting up with being treated like a possession your whole life. You have to sit him down, tell him how his behaviour is affecting you and how it makes you feel. Try to make him understand. He is likely to get angry, based on what you've written, so you have got to be firm with him. Tell him that unless he changes his behaviour and shows you trust and respect, you will leave.

Do not stay with him unless he changes. You're an absolute fool if you do. This is NOT love.

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NinjaPirate
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So...he's possessive to the point of separating you from your friends and family, controls you down to the clothes you wear, and is verbally and physically abusive? That's not ok. As in genuinely not ok. I know you've said you really love this guy, but this is ringing alarm bells all over the place and to be honest I'd say get out before it gets any worse.
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BKS
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It's very unhealthy. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this? Especially if it could escalate. Do you want to end up in a situation where you life revolve around him? Because that seems to be what he wants. You can really love someone but still not be able to be with them if it isn't healthy.

If you have told him you are leaving him if he does it again then didn't then he isn't taking you seriously. Maybe he can change, maybe he can't and you need to judge if he gets a second chance but he's out of line so it has to be on your terms. Maybe you want to explain it to him once more and see if he changes. But if he knows the problem and doesn't change you can't force him so what other options do you have?
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Tiger Rag
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If you stay, he's just going to get worse.

Your relationship sounds really unhealthy - you need time away from each other.
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tillytots
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Pleeeaaaase leave. It will be hard at first but he is abusing you.
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Anonymous #1
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Thank you for all your responses :'(
I know its unhealthy
But I love him so much and he loves me unconditionally and is such a sweet man apart from all the above.
Would time away really help? He would react really bad to that I don't want to be away from him though.
I'm in tears thinking about not being with him. I just want him to understand his behaviour and how hurting it is
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Tiger Rag
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You have to do what you feel is right for you.
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BKS
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I think by definition he doesn't love you unconditionally. All these things he is doing is placing conditions on your life, he is trying to control you rather than let you be you. That's conditions on your relationship.

Are you willing to endless put up with this because he will react badly to being told to stop? It's not something he's going to want to hear but he needs to hear it but how else can you have a chance at him understanding how out of line he is?
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Sakk89
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(Original post by Musie Suzie)
He is not going to improve his behaviour. He sees how he is as perfectly normal, reasonable, and non-problematic. This is why he will not change. Additionally, you have given him ultimatums about his behaviour and not stuck to them.

I know you don't want to leave him, but the alternative is putting up with being treated like a possession your whole life. You have to sit him down, tell him how his behaviour is affecting you and how it makes you feel. Try to make him understand. He is likely to get angry, based on what you've written, so you have got to be firm with him. Tell him that unless he changes his behaviour and shows you trust and respect, you will leave.

Do not stay with him unless he changes. You're an absolute fool if you do. This is NOT love.

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You don't have to call her a fool - a little harsh don't you think?
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Sakk89
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for one year now. He goes to university a few hours away from where I live so we see each other every 2 weeks or so. During holidays we're always together. I'm 21 and he's 24.

Please note that I love him dearly and care about him very much and he loves me very much

-He's been very clingy since the beginning of the relationship. He literally wants to text/phone each other pretty much all day when I'm not at work or he's not in uni. He gets annoyed if I don't reply to his text message within say 10 minutes. So when i'm at home i'm literally glued to my phone and sometimes just want to watch a movie without having to text him every minute. When I confronted him about this he got really annoyed and says things like: "we hardly see each other, how else are we suppose to communicate?", "Who else would you be texting?". He lives on his own and always says how he feels lonely, and me texting etc makes him feel less alone.
-When I finish work he demands I text him as soon as I finish. If I text a little late if I had to catch up with things, he starts accusing me of flirting or doing all sorts with my colleagues. (We are faithful to each other and its both our first relationship, so there's no reason why he shouldn't trust me)
-He doesn't like me having any friends. In fact, I've lost all communication with my friends. He feels us being in a relationship is sufficient enough. I once replied to a guy friend and he totally flipped out and accused me of liking him and wanting to be with him.
-He gets really jealous and doesn't like me wearing 'revealing' clothing, I dress decently though..
-When we're together he literally wants to spend every second together. He got upset once because I was talking to my mum and sister and he started saying it is as if he's not there and I'm just forgetting him.
-When we argue he gets very angry and starts verbally abusing me and calling me really hurting things.
-When we together and arguing sometimes he has got physical.. not hit me. But pinning me down and stopping me from leaving. Holding me face to face him to look at him. Squeezing me.
(The above I've given him an ultimatum, that if he does it again I'm leaving him. However, this has happened quite a few times)

There's loads more. But that's just a few.

Basically I don't want to leave him. I really don't want to. I love him with all my heart. I just want to know how to deal with it and get him to change? What do I say or do? Cos what he is doing is unhealthy right?

This post - is so similar to my previous relationship and I let it go on way longer than it should have.

It's hard to see that it's abuse - it really is. But it is.

I'm sure you prob. used to love it at the begining and thought it was charming that he wanted you all to himself. But trust me - the feeling of suffocation soon comes - and from your post... I think it has reached it's destination.

No one can advise you on what to do - but be very careful - because people like this tend to be amazingly good at manipulation - even if they don't realise they are manipulating you.

Think about if you can live like this for the rest of your life ( if you want him as a future husband).

Good luck

More than welcome to PM if needed.
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redleader1
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I would say leave him but you love him right, just sit him down and speak to him and confront him about his behaviour, let him know it is bad (he should know anyway). But if he really loves you would he do all that ? Why is it that he thinks your cheating and flirting with others ? He may have done something bad.

Tbf I think its best you would leave, think about it you would have a lot less problems and would find another guy better than him.
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samba
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(Original post by NinjaPirate)
So...he's possessive to the point of separating you from your friends and family, controls you down to the clothes you wear, and is verbally and physically abusive? That's not ok. As in genuinely not ok. I know you've said you really love this guy, but this is ringing alarm bells all over the place and to be honest I'd say get out before it gets any worse.
banning underwear is hot.

Anyway @OP. It's terribly unhealthy, you need to leave him unfortunately or you'll become a shell of yourself.
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Democracy
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(Original post by IMBCFC)
I would say leave him but you love him right, just sit him down and speak to him and confront him about his behaviour, let him know it is bad (he should know anyway). But if he really loves you would he do all that ? Why is it that he thinks your cheating and flirting with others ? He may have done something bad.

Tbf I think its best you would leave, think about it you would have a lot less problems and would find another guy better than him.
Love is a two way thing. A loving relationship does not involve one partner being controlling or manipulative with the other...much less using physical force.

You can't reason with people like the OP's boyfriend - this isn't just one or two weird little quirks or cute Woody Allen-esque neuroses; it's a recurrent pattern of unacceptable behaviour which suggests something is deeply, deeply wrong with his personality.

OP - get out of there. I know you think you love him, but it will eventually end in tears, I promise you that.
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ChickenMadness
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mi thinks this is love

Not this
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KWCFC
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To put it simply...

This is an abusive relationship and you need to leave him before he gets worse. This sort of behaviour doesnt get any better.
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Inazuma
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for all your responses :'(
I know its unhealthy
But I love him so much and he loves me unconditionally and is such a sweet man apart from all the above.
Would time away really help? He would react really bad to that I don't want to be away from him though.
I'm in tears thinking about not being with him. I just want him to understand his behaviour and how hurting it is
One thing you could do is when something happens again, set down the rules. No more of this. Make a proper ultimatum and stick to it- If it continues, leave. Maybe temporarily to see if he changes, but make out it's permanent. It's the only way I can think of to get him to improve.


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SnoochToTheBooch
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How the hell can you live like that? I bet if you were reading someone else posting that sort of thing you would be aghast. He is ****ed in the head. Abort abort.
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TurboCretin
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for all your responses :'(
I know its unhealthy
But I love him so much and he loves me unconditionally and is such a sweet man apart from all the above.
Would time away really help? He would react really bad to that I don't want to be away from him though.
I'm in tears thinking about not being with him. I just want him to understand his behaviour and how hurting it is
Obviously we have only heard your side of things, but you do need to maintain a little perspective of what is normal in a relationship. Some of the things you have mentioned smack of insecurity on his part, and if he doesn't see his behaviour as problematic then things are more likely to get worse than better.

I understand that you love him, but be careful about entrenching yourself in what may be an unhealthy relationship with no prospect of improvement.

Speak to any good friends you have that know him and get their honest views on your relationship. Friends often have a better perspective on these matters, being themselves emotionally removed from the situation.
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