Very clingy, possessive and angry boyfriend..? Watch

pickup
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#41
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#41
He will not change - or only for the worse.

Think hard. What do you love about him? because I think you love what you want him to be not what he is. This is evidenced by the fact that you are on here asking how you can change him. You can't.

He does not love you. You don't treat people you love in the way he's treating you.

His game is to get you totally dependant on him for everything. No friends, no family, no one to support you. He's half way there already. When he thinks that he has full control he start really attacking you and he'll think he can get away with it because you won't be able to go. You're half way there already.

Think . Is this the relationship you want ? Is this the relationship you want to bring your children up in?

If he's controlling with you - a grown woman , imagine what he'll be like with defenceless children. You are sleepwalking not only into a terrible future for yourself but as bad, a terrible future for any child you have.

Do you have the right to inflict this on anyone?

Have you got a good job? if not get one ; get better educated , insist on doing this. He won't like it, of course but it will strengthen your ability to leave when you increase contact with the ' outside world' and gain a proper perspective on this set up.

It will also give you the options which he is straining to close down for you.
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Anonymous #1
#42
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#42
(Original post by pickup)
He will not change - or only for the worse.

Think hard. What do you love about him? because I think you love what you want him to be not what he is. This is evidenced by the fact that you are on here asking how you can change him. You can't.

He does not love you. You don't treat people you love in the way he's treating you.

His game is to get you totally dependant on him for everything. No friends, no family, no one to support you. He's half way there already. When he thinks that he has full control he start really attacking you and he'll think he can get away with it because you won't be able to go. You're half way there already.

Think . Is this the relationship you want ? Is this the relationship you want to bring your children up in?

If he's controlling with you - a grown woman , imagine what he'll be like with defenceless children. You are sleepwalking not only into a terrible future for yourself but as bad, a terrible future for any child you have.

Do you have the right to inflict this on anyone?

Have you got a good job? if not get one ; get better educated , insist on doing this. He won't like it, of course but it will strengthen your ability to leave when you increase contact with the ' outside world' and gain a proper perspective on this set up.

It will also give you the options which he is straining to close down for you.
I love him for who he is :/
I have a decent job at the moment. I'm planning to do my masters next year and he's very supportive of that and is encouraging me to
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Reue
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#43
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#43
(Original post by Anonymous)
I love him for who he is :/
You clearly dont, because who he is.. is everything bad you've complained about in your opening post.

You love him, perhaps, but not for who he really is.
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Meduza
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#44
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#44
I think he loves you too much that's why he doesn't want you to have any 'outside' communication, except with him only; but it's really unhealthy and unfair on you - I suggest you reverse everything he does on him and see how he reacts.
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bumblebee342
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#45
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#45
Before I got to the end of your post I was going to suggest you sitting him down and talking to him, but then read the rest - what he's doing is not on. There's no way of getting someone who is controlling and abusing you to change.

You've said yourself that this is unhealthy and as hard as it is when you love them, you need to put yourself first.
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niklasb89
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#46
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#46
Ok, after reading all the responses I feel it only fair to have an opinion from the other perspective. I understand what you are going through is horrible and nobody deserves to be treated like that. I can speak for myself in saying that all the behaviours that you describe in your boyfriend, I have also been guilty of in previous relationships - baring the physical aggression, which I believe you need to stick to your ultimatum on for both your sakes.
I have lost many wonderful girlfriends who have been subjected to my paranoia and lack of self belief, there is no place for worrying or paranoia in a relationship. From what you're describing I can only imagine his mind is going nuts worrying about all of these different things i.e not texting after work. You need to sit down and tell him that 'unintentionally' he is manipulating you, it is impossible to view it that way from a paranoid perspective because the worries will block out logic. If he doesn't understand he is manipulating you, you need to be apart from him until he does, and believe me it will happen. He needs to relax and clear his head, it's impossible to relax for either of you at the moment. It's easy to worry that you guys not speaking for a while will result in 'the end', of course that is possible. But in my experiences (3 or 4 different relationships )you do get back together. Of course he loves you and of course it's not over yet, who knows what will happen but it can improve.

Don't let anybody walk over you and just make sure all decisions have been thought over, no irrational decisions. He will make hundreds of them if he is worrying.
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e aí rapaz
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#47
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#47
It's kind of sad the number of people (especially - but not limited to - young people with less experience) that stay in poor relationships because of the strong attachment they feel to the person.

It's entirely possible to love somebody who is not good for you. But that obviously isn't the foundation for a good relationship. If people were strong enough to leave these destructive relationships they would find out that it's equally possible to love somebody who treats you with respect and trust, who lets you be who you are and do what you want to do, etc. And that is infinitely better.

Trouble is, SO many people get caught up in this "s/he's horrible but I reeeaaally love him/her" mentality and get attached to people that they ought to just let go. You see it on TSR every day pretty much.
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Midlander
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#48
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#48
(Original post by Anonymous)
I love him for who he is :/
I have a decent job at the moment. I'm planning to do my masters next year and he's very supportive of that and is encouraging me to
If he loves you he'll let you breathe.
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Maker
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#49
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#49
The OP sounds a lot like a codependent. She gets a lot from her relationship such as the feeling of being in love, getting lots of attention if you like being the subject of someone's obsession and thinking she have the skills to help someone with her bf's problems.

So its not all bad but social services should definitely remove any children they have together because it is an abusive environment and any children in it will be badly damaged.
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Anonymous #1
#50
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#50
(Original post by niklasb89)
Ok, after reading all the responses I feel it only fair to have an opinion from the other perspective. I understand what you are going through is horrible and nobody deserves to be treated like that. I can speak for myself in saying that all the behaviours that you describe in your boyfriend, I have also been guilty of in previous relationships - baring the physical aggression, which I believe you need to stick to your ultimatum on for both your sakes.
I have lost many wonderful girlfriends who have been subjected to my paranoia and lack of self belief, there is no place for worrying or paranoia in a relationship. From what you're describing I can only imagine his mind is going nuts worrying about all of these different things i.e not texting after work. You need to sit down and tell him that 'unintentionally' he is manipulating you, it is impossible to view it that way from a paranoid perspective because the worries will block out logic. If he doesn't understand he is manipulating you, you need to be apart from him until he does, and believe me it will happen. He needs to relax and clear his head, it's impossible to relax for either of you at the moment. It's easy to worry that you guys not speaking for a while will result in 'the end', of course that is possible. But in my experiences (3 or 4 different relationships )you do get back together. Of course he loves you and of course it's not over yet, who knows what will happen but it can improve.

Don't let anybody walk over you and just make sure all decisions have been thought over, no irrational decisions. He will make hundreds of them if he is worrying.
I believe he can change :/ but he constantly blames me for his anger. He thinks irrationally and I feel I can change it but don't know how.
Maybe time away will help perhaps .
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Anonymous #1
#51
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#51
Thank you to everyone's responses. I am reading them all and taking in the information and your opinions.
I'm finding it helpful knowing I've released this. (even though it is online)
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RiOt GrrrL
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#52
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#52
(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for one year now. He goes to university a few hours away from where I live so we see each other every 2 weeks or so. During holidays we're always together. I'm 21 and he's 24.

Please note that I love him dearly and care about him very much and he loves me very much

-He's been very clingy since the beginning of the relationship. He literally wants to text/phone each other pretty much all day when I'm not at work or he's not in uni. He gets annoyed if I don't reply to his text message within say 10 minutes. So when i'm at home i'm literally glued to my phone and sometimes just want to watch a movie without having to text him every minute. When I confronted him about this he got really annoyed and says things like: "we hardly see each other, how else are we suppose to communicate?", "Who else would you be texting?". He lives on his own and always says how he feels lonely, and me texting etc makes him feel less alone.
-When I finish work he demands I text him as soon as I finish. If I text a little late if I had to catch up with things, he starts accusing me of flirting or doing all sorts with my colleagues. (We are faithful to each other and its both our first relationship, so there's no reason why he shouldn't trust me)
-He doesn't like me having any friends. In fact, I've lost all communication with my friends. He feels us being in a relationship is sufficient enough. I once replied to a guy friend and he totally flipped out and accused me of liking him and wanting to be with him.
-He gets really jealous and doesn't like me wearing 'revealing' clothing, I dress decently though..
-When we're together he literally wants to spend every second together. He got upset once because I was talking to my mum and sister and he started saying it is as if he's not there and I'm just forgetting him.
-When we argue he gets very angry and starts verbally abusing me and calling me really hurting things.
-When we together and arguing sometimes he has got physical.. not hit me. But pinning me down and stopping me from leaving. Holding me face to face him to look at him. Squeezing me.
(The above I've given him an ultimatum, that if he does it again I'm leaving him. However, this has happened quite a few times)

There's loads more. But that's just a few.

Basically I don't want to leave him. I really don't want to. I love him with all my heart. I just want to know how to deal with it and get him to change? What do I say or do? Cos what he is doing is unhealthy right?
HeMuslimOP?:cookie:
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Anonymous #1
#53
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#53
(Original post by RiOt GrrrL)
HeMuslimOP?:cookie:
No and neither am I. Why did you think that?
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mrhedgehog
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#54
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#54
As you seem afraid to approach him; write him a letter explaining everything that hurts you about him and everything you want him to change and how he should trust you more. A letter can work wonders as he will have it with him to remind him and it will be a massive wake up call to him. Another idea is to show him this thread you made and how literally everyone wants you to leave him because what he is doing is not right.
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RiOt GrrrL
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#55
(Original post by Anonymous)
No and neither am I. Why did you think that?
Lol It was bitter satire. I always hear stories and see on the news all this about abuse in Islam.
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niklasb89
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#56
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#56
(Original post by Anonymous)
I believe he can change :/ but he constantly blames me for his anger. He thinks irrationally and I feel I can change it but don't know how.
Maybe time away will help perhaps .
Of course he can change, but he isn't going to unless there is a reason for him to change. If he feels like you are causing him to worry he isn't going to think he needs to change. Being without you and realising all the good you do will help.

Mull over this quote.

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
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redleader1
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#57
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#57
(Original post by pickup)
His game is to get you totally dependant on him for everything. No friends, no family, no one to support you. He's half way there already. When he thinks that he has full control he start really attacking you and he'll think he can get away with it because you won't be able to go. You're half way there already.
Why would he want her fully dependant on him though ? There already in a relationship.
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Maker
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#58
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#58
(Original post by IMBCFC)
Why would he want her fully dependant on him though ? There already in a relationship.
He has a psychological compulsion to control her, the fact they are in a "relationship" is irrelevant.

Its just like an alcoholic. They have a psychological compulsion to drink regardless of the deeply damaging consequences to themselves or those around them.

Her bf has the same compulsion. Like the families of alcoholics, they enable the alcoholic to carry on drinking by for example, trying to help the alcoholic themselves instead of compelling the alcoholic to seek professional help that actually works.

She is enabling her bf to carry on abusing her because she tries to help despite having little knowledge and no training. She sees her bf's mental condition as something simple that can be fixed by an amateur. She would not do that if her bf had a serious physical illness like cancer.
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redleader1
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#59
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#59
(Original post by Maker)
He has a psychological compulsion to control her, the fact they are in a "relationship" is irrelevant.

Its just like an alcoholic. They have a psychological compulsion to drink regardless of the deeply damaging consequences to themselves or those around them.

Her bf has the same compulsion. Like the families of alcoholics, they enable the alcoholic to carry on drinking by for example, trying to help the alcoholic themselves instead of compelling the alcoholic to seek professional help that actually works.

She is enabling her bf to carry on abusing her because she tries to help despite having little knowledge and no training. She sees her bf's mental condition as something simple that can be fixed by an amateur. She would not do that if her bf had a serious physical illness like cancer.
Very informative
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LittleRed99
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#60
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#60
Can u give an update? Im going thru this now.
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