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Just Found Out The Guy I Like Has A Girlfriend :( watch

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    So, yeah, I'm 21 and recently met this guy who's in his mid-thirties through a friend of mine at work. I really liked him (though we're just acquaintances), but I just heard my friend mention his girlfriend in conversation with someone else. This always, ALWAYS happens to me - the guys I like always end up already taken or besotted with someone else I feel sick to my stomach and so embarrassed too, I'm mad at myself for falling for him too quickly.

    I'm literally so gutted. I just moved to London, so maybe my situation will improve and I'll meet new guys, but I didn't have any friends here before I moved and right now he's the only one I knew here whom I seriously liked. I'm quite physically attractive, very friendly and do get guys hitting on me even when I'm just walking around doing my thing, but I've never once even had a serious boyfriend or been on a date as I've had family problems in the past I needed to deal with. I'm tired of being single though...

    Fortunately, I never made a move on him, but last time we talked I think it showed - I didn't explicitly hit on him, but was really cheerful and bubbly and I think he spotted something because he suddenly became very cold. I'm worried that he's just looking down on me now as though I like him he can be very judgmental and rational and snarky. I liked him because he was smart and competent, now I hate myself for doing so.

    I feel so stupid for ever liking him and am literally just crying my eyes out for being so stupid yet AGAIN I don't think (depending on a project at work) I ever have to see or talk to him again if I don't want to, but we are both Londoners so I might run into him without expecting it. We have completely different hangouts though fortunately.

    Please advise me TSR My closest friends are on holiday right now and it's hard to get in touch. I feel so lonely here in my flat in London. Argh.
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    Who hasn't done this?! It really sucks but I don't think it'll always be like that...
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    Don't invest too much before you've even been out on a date with someone. This is the kind of thing teenagers do, which isn't meant to be an insult, it's because you've never had a relationship before. You have a fair bit of catching up to do, forget about him and date other people instead. Your confidence will improve and you'll fall in love only with people who it's reasonable to fall in love with.
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    (Original post by curlycherry)
    Who hasn't done this?! It really sucks but I don't think it'll always be like that...
    I know, but it just keeps happening to me all the time... There was an awful time when I told a guy who had a girlfriend (whom I didn't know about) at uni as well. He was really pitying/patronising to me after that, and told all his mates, who treated me with scorn as well

    I tend to be one of those "take initiative" girls guys supposedly like (i.e. one who expresses interest subtly rather than just letting interested guys chase her) but maybe I'll just give up on that now. I am so tired and sick of this all.
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    dating sites?
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    Awww, I'm sorry.
    Cheer up!
    You're a strong, independent and intelligent that doesn't need a man; stable enough for survival. You'll find the one when he realises how special you are.
    Don't worry, life sucks.
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    Aww
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know, but it just keeps happening to me all the time... There was an awful time when I told a guy who had a girlfriend (whom I didn't know about) at uni as well. He was really pitying/patronising to me after that, and told all his mates, who treated me with scorn as well

    I tend to be one of those "take initiative" girls guys supposedly like (i.e. one who expresses interest subtly rather than just letting interested guys chase her) but maybe I'll just give up on that now. I am so tired and sick of this all.
    well you dodged a bullet to be fair because they sound like *******s.
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    Break them up. Be a home wrecker.
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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    Don't invest too much before you've even been out on a date with someone. This is the kind of thing teenagers do, which isn't meant to be an insult, it's because you've never had a relationship before. You have a fair bit of catching up to do, forget about him and date other people instead. Your confidence will improve and you'll fall in love only with people who it's reasonable to fall in love with.
    No insult taken, I see what you mean. Thanks for the great advice

    I'm actually ridiculously busy at work (I even get the odd guy - albeit always the hoodie type - hitting on me when I'm out in public or something) which is making me stressed (I haven't had a good night's sleep in months and my manager is pushing me like hell) and leaves me no time for a relationship, at least for the next couple of months.

    The reason I didn't date at all as a teenager/at uni wasn't because of my looks/awkwardness/common problems (I actually had a lot of friends in school), but because of an abusive family (physically abusive dad, emotionally abusive mum and siblings) whom I was terrified of at home and didn't feel confident enough to tell everyone about. It was more important for me to ensure that I had a good job/education so I never had to go back home because of money than to date. But I feel like I missed out on a lot as a kid and I'm still missing out now. I feel like guys can tell there's something different about me and would rather date all the "normal" girls

    I'm stressed about my family situation too. I am planning to cut off contact with them in the next few months as every time they call it's hell
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    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    dating sites?
    Not sure about the whole dating sites thing, I'm scared of putting my pictures online unless it's on something relatively private like FB :lol: I've heard horror stories about online dating too, will consider it though thanks

    well you dodged a bullet to be fair because they sound like *******s.


    Yeah, you're probably right thanks If I'm being honest and objective, the guy I like right now is a bit of a prick too (he looks down on people who don't fit his hipster mould or whom he considers "stupid", can be really cold and judgmental and the way I hear him speak to the secretary at our workplace is horrible). I think he might know I fancy him based on the way we spoke last time though. That pisses me off.
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    (Original post by inachigeek21)
    Awww, I'm sorry.
    Cheer up!
    You're a strong, independent and intelligent that doesn't need a man; stable enough for survival. You'll find the one when he realises how special you are.
    Don't worry, life sucks.
    Thanks , but I still haven't found "the one" yet, and I feel more weird because of my childhood background than normal in any way like the girls whom the guys I like always end up dating instead of me. As I explained to Scrotgrot, I feel like I've missed out on so much because I've had to be really independent when a kid/at uni and still am.

    I don't know what to do
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Not sure about the whole dating sites thing, I'm scared of putting my pictures online unless it's on something relatively private like FB :lol: I've heard horror stories about online dating too, will consider it though thanks



    Yeah, you're probably right thanks If I'm being honest and objective, the guy I like right now is a bit of a prick too (he looks down on people who don't fit his hipster mould or whom he considers "stupid", can be really cold and judgmental and the way I hear him speak to the secretary at our workplace is horrible). I think he might know I fancy him based on the way we spoke last time though. That pisses me off.[/FONT][/COLOR]
    You're probably just attracted to *******s :laugh: I used to know a girl like that who just keeps on ending up in abusive relationships lol.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No insult taken, I see what you mean. Thanks for the great advice

    I'm actually ridiculously busy at work (I even get the odd guy - albeit always the hoodie type - hitting on me when I'm out in public or something) which is making me stressed (I haven't had a good night's sleep in months and my manager is pushing me like hell) and leaves me no time for a relationship, at least for the next couple of months.

    The reason I didn't date at all as a teenager/at uni wasn't because of my looks/awkwardness/common problems (I actually had a lot of friends in school), but because of an abusive family (physically abusive dad, emotionally abusive mum and siblings) whom I was terrified of at home and didn't feel confident enough to tell everyone about. It was more important for me to ensure that I had a good job/education so I never had to go back home because of money than to date. But I feel like I missed out on a lot as a kid and I'm still missing out now. I feel like guys can tell there's something different about me and would rather date all the "normal" girls

    I'm stressed about my family situation too. I am planning to cut off contact with them in the next few months as every time they call it's hell
    Normal girls are boring, very often spoilt and vapid. In fact, having read your post, I looked back, and I've always ended up with ones who'd had to overcome something major in their lives. I hate to commoditise suffering but I guess they are more grounded and stronger people. For your part I don't suppose you'd be happy in a relationship with the sort of guy who would go for "normal" girls.

    You're thinking too short-term. It's likely that you'll only be paying your dues in the job until such time as someone new gets hired or promoted and all the grunt work gets dumped on them. Sounds like you have some stuff to sort out over the next few months between work, cutting off your family and building a network in London; don't get hung up on relationships, it's best that they come when your situation is more stable, and you have more time to give.
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    I slept with a guy who I thought was decent turned out he had a gf and I only found out when months I didn't hear from him his flatmates told me because they all hated him and he moved out. Few weeks later I saw him he came up to me to ask me to go back to his place! So he turned out to be a right A**hole and it left me feeling so cheap at the time, there will always be people like that in your life if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't it just means there is someone worth waiting for and finding. You will be in London so jealous haha

    I say give yourself some time to settle in and breathe sometimes distance eases the tension with you and your family, I have a really close friend who's in a very similar situation and even though its still awkward she's moved away from her family ad gradually its getting better
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    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    You're probably just attracted to *******s :laugh: I used to know a girl like that who just keeps on ending up in abusive relationships lol.
    TBH, apart from the two I've mentioned every guy I've liked has been a nerdy "nice guy." I'm aware that some women are unfortunately attracted to the nasty sorts, but in general that isn't me. I would definitely say I go for nerds, though. The guy in question is a PhD student.

    He is also 5"3 (I am taller than him in heels), quite skinny and just does cardio, wears coloured (red/yellow etc.) skinny jeans with hipster odd-looking trainers and has a hipster hairstyle too with a massive fringe (I actually wondered if he was gay for a bit). So not my usual physical type at all lol. I am trying to use that to get over him. Never fancied a guy so short/skinny before (without sounding biased).
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks , but I still haven't found "the one" yet, and I feel more weird because of my childhood background than normal in any way like the girls whom the guys I like always end up dating instead of me. As I explained to Scrotgrot, I feel like I've missed out on so much because I've had to be really independent when a kid/at uni and still am.

    I don't know what to do
    Don't worry, I'm the same myself but I'm 14.
    You may not have realized it yet, but you're unique, believe it or not.
    The 'one' is a story all little girls were told to make them feel great.
    You're a grown woman. man or no man, you are amazing without them; you do not need a man, it is not compulsory in our culture.
    Life lesson taught, always remember that.
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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    Normal girls are boring, very often spoilt and vapid. In fact, having read your post, I looked back, and I've always ended up with ones who'd had to overcome something major in their lives. I hate to commoditise suffering but I guess they are more grounded and stronger people. For your part I don't suppose you'd be happy in a relationship with the sort of guy who would go for "normal" girls.

    You're thinking too short-term. It's likely that you'll only be paying your dues in the job until such time as someone new gets hired or promoted and all the grunt work gets dumped on them. Sounds like you have some stuff to sort out over the next few months between work, cutting off your family and building a network in London; don't get hung up on relationships, it's best that they come when your situation is more stable, and you have more time to give.
    Thanks again. I know that "normal" girls often seem spoilt to some, but they don't have "baggage" etc. either and I'm not sure if most guys would find my family background (imagine dating a girl with no parents...) a turn-off either. What do you mean by the sort of guy who goes for normal girls, btw? Isn't that most guys?

    Yeah, you're right rationally speaking. I'm trying not to get hung up on them, I think I'm just so stressed right now that even my usually organised mind is being pushed too much, and then hearing that this guy had a girlfriend just brought all the old insecurities rushing back .

    I'm actually in a bit of a horrible situation here regarding seeing him again. He and my friend (together with a couple of other people I know) are doing a temporary project for my firm that starts next month and ends in February, which has also been offered to me as a current employee. I told my boss I would probably do this project as a side thing. I could make a few extra thousand from doing it (which would really come in handy) by doing so - but now that I know he has a girlfriend and he probably knows I like him and is judging me for it, I'm not sure if I want to go for it or not.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    TBH, apart from the two I've mentioned every guy I've liked has been a nerdy "nice guy." I'm aware that some women are unfortunately attracted to the nasty sorts, but in general that isn't me. I would definitely say I go for nerds, though. The guy in question is a PhD student.

    He is also 5"3 (I am taller than him in heels), quite skinny and just does cardio, wears coloured (red/yellow etc.) skinny jeans with hipster odd-looking trainers and has a hipster hairstyle too with a massive fringe (I actually wondered if he was gay for a bit). So not my usual physical type at all lol. I am trying to use that to get over him. Never fancied a guy so short/skinny before (without sounding biased).
    The stereoytpes don't really make a difference . The 'nice guys' tend to be some of the ones with the most ********-ish characteristics. Like being overly arrogant and looking down on other people. Or small man syndrome maybe. And insecurities that can lead to abusive relationships.

    What attracted you to him in the first place? He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming qualities lmao.
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    (Original post by inachigeek21)
    Don't worry, I'm the same myself but I'm 14.
    You may not have realized it yet, but you're unique, believe it or not.
    The 'one' is a story all little girls were told to make them feel great.
    You're a grown woman. man or no man, you are amazing without them; you do not need a man, it is not compulsory in our culture.
    Life lesson taught, always remember that.
    I don't suffer from oneitis usually - it's just my current situation that's really amplifying it (moved to London very recently, see plenty of hot guys even on the way to work every day but barely know any of them). I'm really extroverted, too, so not knowing many people here yet outside work is sucking big time. Ordinarily, I'd go on Meetup or join a sports club or something but my finances/time don't allow it right now.
 
 
 
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