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    - Battalions of agony seeking shelter inside my heart, kingdoms of hatred built on the foundations of my human being. -Lost in the echo of my failure, haunted by the past, everyday is a curse, laying in bed surrounded by four cold walls and frozen by my own spirit. I know the death is not the answer, it is just a pathway to more suffering, agony, hatred and destruction.
    Dead eyes see no future. I’m dead inside. All I see is darkness. I have no perspective of the future anymore, I see only fog and darkness. The beast inside me is fighting to take control and destroy the remaining ruins of my dreams.
    Everyone gave up on me. All they see is a worthless trash, good for nothing who descended from the roots of failure. There is no hope anymore.
    I still believe in salvation. I saw it with my eyes and felt it with my arms. For a couple of days I thought I was finally saved so I did exactly what I’m afraid of. I’ve let the guard down. The beast came out and ruined everything, throwing me into the bottomless hole of agony and pain. Since then I found my shelter inside the most agonizing songs ever created. At least I feel less alone. I’m aware of my condition. Through sadness I feel happiness, even if it’s just an illusion. I’m feeling so deceived, unloved, and so alone, it’s rotting me inside. I became a walking dead.

    This is a page of my journal. So, basicly, that beast is me when I'm happy.

    Every time I’m happy I become a monster, doing tons of mistakes, the moral shuts down, I become a living being mastered by feelings, set loose the mouth, and become impossibly proud of myself, and judging peoples, seeing myself as a perfect man. I just can’t let myself be happy, I know I will fall inside the void and the only way to come back is to be wounded again.
    Everyone gave up on my, they judge everything I do and hurt me so much. My parents are too busy to discuss those types of things and when they do, the tell me to cut it out with this nonsenses. This depression is affecting my social life. It hurts so hard to smile in front of someone and pretend that everything is ok. This depression is getting stronger and stronger. I live with it for almost a year.

    Call Samaritans?

    ...sorry, you're not being clear on what you want us to do
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