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Harry Potter Hilariously Rewritten By Evangelical Christian :D watch

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    http://jezebel.com/moms-evangelical-...ann-1638274209

    https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/

    Some snippets for your time :rofl:

    Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.
    "Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."
    Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."
    Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"
    "Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
    "Well then prove it!"
    Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
    "Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely."I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"
    "I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.
    "Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"
    Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.


    "This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."
    "I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man's laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.


    "So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"
    That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.
    "Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."
    Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!
    "Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"


    Thoughts? Is this version even better than the original?
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    It isn't even funny :erm:
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    (Original post by Mr...)
    It isn't even funny :erm:
    Get thee out, immoral atheist! :ahee:
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    Lolz have been had!
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    (Original post by Genocidal)
    Lolz have been had!
    :five:

    That said, I can't help but feel sorry for the poor evangelical Christian kids whose parents you just know will force them to read this :lol:
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    (Original post by Arsenalforlifee)
    Get thee out, immoral atheist! :ahee:
    What makes you think I am an atheist :holmes:
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    (Original post by Mr...)
    What makes you think I am an atheist :holmes:
    Only those who have not been blessed by the LORD could speak such ill of such Christ-like works.

    REPENT :mad:
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    (Original post by Arsenalforlifee)
    Only those who have not been blessed by the LORD could speak such ill of such Christ-like works.

    REPENT :mad:
    :rolleyes: So because I didn't find this fanfiction funny, I am an atheist
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    (Original post by Mr...)
    :rolleyes: So because I didn't find this fanfiction funny, I am an atheist
    Oh dear. Seems like someone missed my satire.
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    (Original post by Arsenalforlifee)
    Oh dear. Seems like someone missed my satire.
    :mmm: I just realised :facepalm:
 
 
 
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