The Student Room Group

Im a really jealous controlling person.

Really, I mean so bad. I'm just so jealous and controlling of people. I don't mean to be, it just seems to be natural. For example, my boyfriend, if he even suggests going out with his mates, I just go nuts and over react totally, and try and guilt trip into staying with me. I don’t know what it is, or why I act the way I do. I really don’t want to be like this, it’s such a horrible trait to have and I really want to change my ways. I don’t want to be known as the ‘controlling ex girlfriend’

What can I do?
well the answer is simple - change your ways

if needs be you might need to be dumped to learn your lesson
umm, well i guess just try to be more trusting. Is it just your boyf you're like this with? Maybe you could tr doing things in steps, like maybe you go out with him and a few of his mates and a few of your mates, then the next time it might not be as hard to accept that he wants to just see his mates?
Reply 3
What are you scared of? I've been like that and its a horrible way to be because the more you want them the more you push them away.
Reply 4
im exacly the same and i know what you mean its really hard not to be like it isnt it!! I hate myself for doing it, but i just cant bear the thought of some other guy with her, i think thats the basis of it.
everyones probably now going to say its about trust, and yes it is, but some of us have been burned before and find it difficult to trust ANYONE. and when you dont trust anyone its really hard not to get jealous and angry for no reason!
Reply 5
Sarky
What are you scared of? I've been like that and its a horrible way to be because the more you want them the more you push them away.



that's the thing. I don't know what it is, it's just really stange.
Reply 6
Hayley_2k4
that's the thing. I don't know what it is, it's just really stange.


How does he react to it? I try to put myself in his position and i know i'd be pissed off if he made me feel bad for going out with my friends. I know its never as simple as that and it took me a while but at least you recognise you're doing it.
Reply 7
hixey101
some of us have been burned before and find it difficult to trust ANYONE. and when you dont trust anyone its really hard not to get jealous and angry for no reason!


exactly!
Reply 8
hixey101
im exacly the same and i know what you mean its really hard not to be like it isnt it!! I hate myself for doing it, but i just cant bear the thought of some other guy with her, i think thats the basis of it.
everyones probably now going to say its about trust, and yes it is, but some of us have been burned before and find it difficult to trust ANYONE. and when you dont trust anyone its really hard not to get jealous and angry for no reason!


I suppose then, considering your reasons, you should think this way - do you wanna lose her? No? Then learn to trust her. Not saying you must trust her overnight, but you should build trust. Think of it this way - if you carry on being this way (and this is to the OP as well) - you WILL lose the person you love. Now is that worth it all because you're too paranoid and jealous?

It's controllable - it won't change overnight - but why not talk it out with your partner - explain, I know I'm like this, I don't wanna be this way but I find it hard to change. Tell them this. Let them talk with you. Ask them to point out when you're doing it again and make sure you control yourself enough to listen to them and then calm down.

I've been paranoid like that over the hols. I'd think - is my bf gonna break up with me now cus he didn't tell me that he misses me? - and then I'd get myself so scared and so hurt that I'd think maybe it's best to break up with him. But is my paranoia worth me ruining something that could be so good? No. Am I gonna break up with him? No. So what's the point with being scared when I *know* I'm being paranoid? Either break up with him and end the fear cus a relationship won't work this way, or if I'm not gonna break up with him then I must decide that I WILL trust him. It is a conscious decision. And over time, you grow to trust them. Or trust him again in my case. Be rational and think - do I have any reason to be scared/jealous? No? Then tell yourself to calm down and stop being paranoid cus you could ruin something brilliant for yourself this way. If needs be, explain to your partner that you are jealous and paranoid and would it be ok if he/she gave you a ring some time during their night out just to check in, as a step towards sorting out your jealous and controlling attitude?

All the best :smile:
Reply 9
Sarky
How does he react to it? I try to put myself in his position and i know i'd be pissed off if he made me feel bad for going out with my friends. I know its never as simple as that and it took me a while but at least you recognise you're doing it.



I feel even worse when I do it, because he ALWAYS gives in and agrees to stay with me, even though you can tell he really wants to go out. and then half of me feels like I'm doing something really wrong, and wants him to go out and have a great time, and then the other half feels happy that I have my own way.

:p: I sound like a right nutcase reading that back.
Reply 10
Hayley_2k4
I feel even worse when I do it, because he ALWAYS gives in and agrees to stay with me, even though you can tell he really wants to go out. and then half of me feels like I'm doing something really wrong, and wants him to go out and have a great time, and then the other half feels happy that I have my own way.

:p: I sound like a right nutcase reading that back.


Yeah you do :p:

Talk to him. I know irising already said that but you need to. And maybe consider talking to someone else about why you're like this and how i can get better? I understand about being hurt in the past...

Boyf has just phoned saying he's going to the pub with his friends. The old me would have gotten really upset but luckily i've changed!
Reply 11
thanks irisng that was very helpful :smile:

my girlfriend actually sometimes guilt trips me into staying in so i can see if from the other side too, its really annoying actually lol.
Reply 12
if my GF tried to tell me i couldnt go out with my friends, i would dump her instantly.
she would do the same to me i think.

she has said to me "i dont like the idea of other girls touching you"
and she has this rly creepy friend who always checks her out and touches her ass and stuff, but we both just deal with it and know that neither of us are going to be unfaithful.
Talk to a councellor? Maybe there is some reason in your past that has made you this way. A councellor could help you identify this and gain a real understanding of how this makes people feel.
Reply 14
hixey101
thanks irisng that was very helpful :smile:

my girlfriend actually sometimes guilt trips me into staying in so i can see if from the other side too, its really annoying actually lol.


Glad I could help you and Hayley :smile: Thanx for the rep btw you two :biggrin:
Hayley_2k4
Really, I mean so bad. I'm just so jealous and controlling of people. I don't mean to be, it just seems to be natural. For example, my boyfriend, if he even suggests going out with his mates, I just go nuts and over react totally, and try and guilt trip into staying with me. I don’t know what it is, or why I act the way I do. I really don’t want to be like this, it’s such a horrible trait to have and I really want to change my ways. I don’t want to be known as the ‘controlling ex girlfriend’

What can I do?



You sound like a nightmare.

You being jealous and controlling can only be a negative thing which if he has enough will essentially drive him away. Especially if you annoy his mates by not letting him out, and making him spend time with you when hes already said hes going out with them.

You should remind yourself of that old story, about letting birds go as if they come back they're truely yours.

If someones gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. Theres nothing you can do about it. So next time you start getting all Bunny on him, Hit your bad self and keep quiet : )

Good luck with it though.
Hayley_2k4
Really, I mean so bad. I'm just so jealous and controlling of people. I don't mean to be, it just seems to be natural. For example, my boyfriend, if he even suggests going out with his mates, I just go nuts and over react totally, and try and guilt trip into staying with me. I don’t know what it is, or why I act the way I do. I really don’t want to be like this, it’s such a horrible trait to have and I really want to change my ways. I don’t want to be known as the ‘controlling ex girlfriend’

What can I do?


You really need to change your ways seriously, me and my last girlfriend broke up because she was so controlling and like you freaked out everytime i went out with my mates.

Remember your boyfriend is going out with you because he likes who you are, remember that, but if the problem is on going you may want to consider seeing a counsellor.
Reply 17
I'm not really in a position to give advice, as I was pretty much the same as you... it ruined everything.