Open relationship jealousy is killing me???

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Anonymous #1
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tl;dr My girlfriend had sex with someone else and I'm upset/jealous and want advice to get over this jealousy and have a healthy open relationship.

Basically my on/off girlfriend of 4 years recently suggested we start an open relationship since I'm going off to uni and she is staying at home for a gap year and we don't want to put pressure on our own relationship by trying long distance (some of our friends who tried an LDR broke up very quickly and we don't want that to happen).

I agreed to the open relationship because we'd always talked about making it open once we went to uni, but she's already had sex with someone else and it's made me really upset. I knew it was going to happen and she was totally honest with me but I feel jealous and insecure and a bit depressed (although there are other unrelated issues going on in my life rn which are also stressing me). I don't WANT to feel this jealous and I want to be happy for her, but I have no idea how to get rid of these unhealthy emotions and have a healthy open relationship.

Advice would be appreciated, especially from others who are in/have been in open relationships.
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ilem
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Your own fault for entering an open relationship without thinking about it first. Communicate your needs to her.
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puma21
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If you didn't want to be a cuckold you should have dumped her the minute she suggested the open relationship. Salvage whatever bit of self respect you have left and dump her.
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Sun Down
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Have some self respect. Leave her.
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Viva Emptiness
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Yeah...an open relationship probably isn't for you.

At first, breaking up probably seems like the worst idea ever, but actually it's feeling like you do that is.
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Anonymous #1
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Oh and I'm also a girl (it's a lesbian relationship)
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Anonymous #1
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Also anyone actually giving advice about dealing with the jealousy and staying in the relationship rather than just "leave the *****" ??? That would be more helpful as I'm not really planning on breaking up with her.
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ImNic97
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why do people do this to themselves!?
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SarcasticMel
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(Original post by Sun Down)
Have some self respect. Leave her.
This.

How long after she suggested the open relationship did she tell you she shagged someone else?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcasticMel)
This.

How long after she suggested the open relationship did she tell you she shagged someone else?
Like I said in the original post, we'd been talking about having an open relationship once I started uni for a long long time. Going into an open relationship didn't come as a shock to me, and I would simply like some help coping with petty jealousy so I can be in a healthy open relationship with my gf.
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ThoughtIsFree
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Like I said in the original post, we'd been talking about having an open relationship once I started uni for a long long time. Going into an open relationship didn't come as a shock to me, and I would simply like some help coping with petty jealousy so I can be in a healthy open relationship with my gf.
but why agree to it if u didnt want it?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ThoughtIsFree)
but why agree to it if u didnt want it?
I did want it, I do want it, I accept that this is the best way for our relationship given our circumstances.

All I'm asking is for some help dealing with the jealousy that has come out of her first sexual experience with someone else since we began the open relationship!
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Mankytoes
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I'm like you I think; I've always liked the idea of an open relationship, but in practise I'm too jealous. I think you're like most people- it just isn't a situation you can cope with. It's normal to not to be happy while someone else is ****ing your girlfriend.

I dunno if it's a gay thing, but lots of lesbians I've known have had these open relationships, I guess maybe they don't think they have to go by traditional relationship models? In any case, it's just caused loads of falling out and jealousy, being gay doesn't change how you feel about a partner.

Just say you can't do the open relationship thing. You are wanting some magic solution to make your feelings go away, but they won't, because your feelings are valid. If she isn't willing to commit to you, is she really the girl for you?
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Sazzle4
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I know you're asking for ways to cope with the jealousy but the problem is that very few people and few relationships can genuinely handle an open relationship. The reasons you've given for doing this seem a little counter-productive in many ways as you've said you're doing it so that you don't break up due to distance like many couples. As a general rule more couples survive being long distance than open and if the idea of your girlfriend sleeping with someone else is hurting you it's more likely to lead to a break up than trying to cope with uni. You need to talk to your girlfriend, be honest about the fact you're feeling jealous and that it hurt more than you expected. There is no magic way to cope with the jealousy if you continue with this but you stand a far greater chance of coping if you tell her how you feel and discuss whether there might be better ways to deal with you moving away for uni than this.
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sammidrake
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I wouldn't say the emotions you're experiencing are 'unhealthy' because it's normal to feel jealousy. It shows you want the person and if you didn't care that she had slept with someone else then I'd probably say that maybe you're not as committed to the relationship as you should be.

I think maybe you should talk to her about how you feel and if she respects your feelings and loves you enough then she'll probably decide that an open relationship isn't right for you guys. But to be honest I can't see an open relationship being any more successful than a long-term relationship - it's either gonna be making you guys more and more jealous or your relationship will maybe act as something to fall back on when there isn't anything else. Like I said, if she's committed to you then she'll understand. But don't feel like how you're feeling is wrong - not many people would be able to deal with an open relationship I don't think...
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Musie Suzie
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Well, would you consider keeping quiet about sleeping with other people rather than being open about it? Presumably as long as you both practise safe sex there's not really a reason you'd need to know each time it happened.

Also, it sounds like the only thing that's changed is that now you can both sleep with other people; you're still in a relationship, so surely the same "pressure" still applies? In fact it seems that more does, as you now have the added pressure and stress of feeling so jealous and unhappy.

Do you know why your friends who tried LDRs broke up?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Musie Suzie)

Do you know why your friends who tried LDRs broke up?
One of them cheated due to the long distance....
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fredscarecrow
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If it helps at all the one thought that got me through my partner cheating one me (nearly 2 years ago. We're engaged now so properly over it) was the thought that we were so much more than that one act.
We had a whole life ahead of us, a great life full of so much excitement, passion, there would be other sorrows and other hardships because we had a whole life to look forward to. So one indiscretion meant nothing against that future.

For an open relationship to work you need to have an idea of what you want from your relationship. When you finish uni, will you become monogamous again? Do you want to share her...do you want to share yourself?? Or are you doing it purely so you dont lose her? Because it has to be 2 sided. Have you set boundaries - no emotion, total honesty vs dont ask dont tell...
There are a lot of ways of doing an open relationship and only one will work for you as a couple.

It is an idea I struggle with. My partners infidelity crippled me for a short time, but I never questioned stayed together for the reasons above. But he knows he has had his one and only chance. He was more distraught about it than I was, in many ways which helped me to forgive. If you can have frequent or repeated intimacy with others I personally question why you are with your partner. For me, sacrifice and denial are a huge part if a dedicated relationship (I have done ldr in the past and my partner is in the military so we do it on and off now).

Im not saying these things to disparage what you are trying to achieve, but to make you wuestion what you are doing and why you are doing it.

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ThoughtIsFree
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I did want it, I do want it, I accept that this is the best way for our relationship given our circumstances.

All I'm asking is for some help dealing with the jealousy that has come out of her first sexual experience with someone else since we began the open relationship!
okay, personally i think open relationships are bad ideas fyi maybe you'll feel better once you do something with someone else too, continue focus on giving each other lots of love and care. as long as you both feel loved you should be ok,
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Mindless Behavior
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Have sex with someone else
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