A bitter person...

Due to my bitterness I am losing my friends. I have recognised the problem; I am very very insecure about myself. I am male in case anyone is wondering.

Basically I am 21 years old , and still a virgin. I was bullied at school (both primary school and secondery school) for being geeky and underwight. At 21 years, I have improved a lot (i.e. I wear contact lenses and I work out regularly), however despite self improvements I still am very much affected by my past. I feel as though I am ugly and will never get a gf (yes call me shallow). The problem is with my mentality in the respect that even if girls show me attention (which has happened on various occasions - tonight being another one), I find it very hard to show them affection back. I just feel as though they are playing a silly game with me by leading me on; or even if they are not and are pretty, I end up thinking that "Why would they fancy me , I am average?".

I have come along way with my working out, but I am still on the slim side. I am 5 ft 11 inches and 143 pounds; this is depressing me. As I find it very hard to wear clothes, as a lot of clothes do hang on me and just dont look that great. This depresses me because I do make a lot of effort, but I am finding it hard to gain mass; I am a hard gainer and so am natrually disheartened.

I am losing my friends, in the respect that they would invite me out, but I would make so many excuses not to come out because of my image. For example I would care so much about what they think that I would think "ohhh I can't wear that again (Even tho I look good in that) they may think I am a proper tramp", or if I get ready I would phone them and say "nahhh i cant come out because x reason"; when really the reason is simple "I am insecure about myself so don't want to go out and see them". This has quite rightly pissed them off (they dont know the real reason), yet I want to change my ways, but I just cant help being this way...I am bitter :frown:

, I mean I try to self improve myself but even when I do self improve myself, I feel as though I haven't and I am still that skinny/16 yr old geek.

Any advice? I am thinking of seeing a counciller, I don't want to lose any more friendships. I just don't trust strangers with this issue, thats the problem.

Thank you for the read.

Reply 1

danni_bella

Aw, all you need is a really big hug and lots of support, plus people telling you that you're great! Which I'm sure you are :wink:

If you were 'bullied' chances are you're prolly highly intelligent, and you're now fairly driven, yeah?

I was picked on too, and know how you feel :redface:

I have low confidence as a result, but don't worry! I'm sure you're an awesome person, just believe in yourself and get out there, meet some nice new people and cheer up! :smile:

DBx

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

danni_bella

Aw, all you need is a really big hug and lots of support, plus people telling you that you're great! Which I'm sure you are :wink:

If you were 'bullied' chances are you're prolly highly intelligent, and you're now fairly driven, yeah?

I was picked on too, and know how you feel :redface:

I have low confidence as a result, but don't worry! I'm sure you're an awesome person, just believe in yourself and get out there, meet some nice new people and cheer up! :smile:

DBx

Thanks your your reply :smile:

Yeah I consider myself quite intelligent, I am doing a joint honours degree in comp sci/mathematics and am going into third year at a good uni. I have direction in my life (i.e. I know what I want to be, and know how to get there) and am quite driven.

I think my family have had a part to play on my mentality. Not only was I bullied etc at school for being geeky, I have always been thought of by my family/extended family as the geeky one in the family. Even now, my extended family are very critical, they would hardly even compliment me and when I get lucky they would say "ohhh was she a slapper then" or "I think you will end up with a geeky woman" etc etc. So understandably my confidence is lower. This is problomatic, because as I have got older I have started to care a lot more about what people think :rolleyes:

; I am an idiot I know by doing so...

I am popular amongst mates and have a lot of them, as I can mask my bitterness when sober and am known for my sense of humour. However, the problem is that I am just so so bitter when drunk; it stems from my insecurities. I am very shy, so I find it hard to talk to girls when sober :/ (unless I get to know them and feel comftable around them), I am just really fridgid (i.e. I find it very hard to make a move because I am insecure). Like last night for example, I was dancing and a couple of girls came onto me at various points of the night (i.e. by dancing close to me, smiling at me :smile:

etc) yet I didn't know what to do. Logically I should have just took my chance anyway, even if I'd end up get rejected; as that is what most of the guys I saw were doing...but I guess I am scared of rejection, thats what it probably boils down too.

Anyway, night ended...I got disheartened & ended up turning into a miserable b**tard, because I looked around saw so many couples together and thought "whats wrong with me?"; obviously there is nothing wrong with me, rather the alcohol was making the situation 20 times worse then it was.

Sorry if my post sounds shallow and pathetic.

Thanks for the read.

Reply 3

danni_bella

Yeah I read that whole post, that sounds crappy. You know what tho? I wanna help you through this, coz I love TSR and the people on here, AND I have been through similar to you :redface:

My family sux too, in fact yesterday instead of saying Happy Birthday, my sister (who I don't live with, thank god) had a go at me because wait for it - I own a Mitsubishi Mirage. Apparently it wastes a lot of money and petrol and I should've gotten myself a Toyota Corola, then I was like 'well that's a nice birthday message from my own sister' :smile:

(I think she was about to go on about how much of a loser I was at 23 for still being at uni but my dad was around so she stopped after that). What annoyed me the most tho was that it wasn't her business and if she thought it was really that important she could have told me in a tactful way rather than shout, silly cow.

And yes I too was picked on for being a geek, both by people I went to school with and also at home because a couple of my relatives were actually friends with some of my bullies which was delightful.

So I can see where you're coming from!!! :biggrin:

Anyhow let's talk about you. You are completing a DOUBLE degree in comp sci/mathematics and are going into third year at a good uni, so I'm thinking these degrees take longer than average right? Same here, I'm doing Arts/Science and would've finished last year but I'm happy with what I'm studying as are you :cool:

Ok as for the family, unfortunately you were given the short straw, much like myself, but we can work on that :wink:

Sounds like you need to break away from them and realise that if they're not gonna be supportive, there are plenty of people out there who DO like you, and want to see you do well :smile:

What about your friends? Are they also from families like this? Perhaps you could talk to them and tell them clearly, exactly what is going on. Chances are they'll be more than happy to listen to your problems and give you hints about what to do emotionally and socially (skills which I sometimes lack, but I have good friends that help me with this).

Oh there's another thing I wanted to mention :smile:

Considering you're obviously highly intelligent and driven, are you aware of the Tall Poppy Syndrome? Because I think that's what might be happening in your family. The signs are there, for instance when one of your relatives says 'oh, you'll only get a geeky gf' (WTF?), that's a cop-out. That person is just saying that because he/she KNOWS you have succeeded in your love-life area, but is masking his/her impressed feelings by making up excuses so you feel bad. Don't let this person succeed!

As for the going out/drunk thing - I'm a little like that too except swap genders :p:

One of the best things I was advised was not to take life so seriously, all you have to do is watch the news to realise that we're not on this planet for that long - make the most of what you've got and enjoy it! Ok that sounds like a cliche :rolleyes:

Lol but pls try to go along with that b/c at the end of the day it's true! I say get out there and try to have fun, coz not only will you be having a good time but other ppl will like you more for it which seems like a good deal to me :biggrin:

Hope that helps, and if there is anything specific you want tips on, let me know coz I want to see you suceed in everything now,

DB_XxX

P.S. You are not shallow or pathetic! :hmmm:

Way I see it - you work hard during the week, and I bet at a normal money-earning job too so you most likely deserve some 'me' time anyway.

Reply 4

Mr.God

I went through a period where I put on a crapload of weight where I stopped going out because I felt disgusting about how I looked, so I know what that's like.

I dunno what to suggest other than to keep plugging away at the gym until you're not still skinny, and try going out a bit more and talking to people. Surely it's better than being stuck in by yourself?