I don't really know where to start. I normally hate these self-pitying threads, but it's difficult to sympathise when you haven't been in that position yourself. I'm sorry if this all comes out a little nonsensical, I just need to get things off my chest.
Basically everything started to go wrong when I was at school. I was always the brightest in my class, and everyone predicted I would follow my brother and do really well for myself. The teachers would also say I was "not as intelligent as my brother, but clever nonetheless". But despite this I was really unhappy - I wasn't disliked, and I was popular around people who knew me - but I never had a boyfriend. I was really unhappy with my looks - I'd never wear make-up and do it in the mirror in the toilets when other girls were around, I'd always think people would look and wonder why I'd even bother. I was bullemic for a bit but I stopped. Eventually, I started to lose weight naturally, then I dyed my hair, and I began to be more confident. I ended up spending more time with friends in my year who spent their time drinking, smoking etc. And the first time I went out with them and got drunk, I was actually happy. And that night I had my first kiss. The next day I couldn't remember his name. But I was happy. I continued drinking with them weekly, always getting so drunk I couldn't remember anything, or being sick, but it was fun. I smoked weed quite a bit as well. By this point I had changed quite a bit, I became very laid back. I also started hanging around with this man who was a lot older. We would go into the city on all day drinking sessions, and take a lot of cocaine and get high. And then once when we were out I met this other man. Looking back now its ridiculous, but I agreed to go out with this random stranger. Anyway, he thought I was a lot older. I was 15, but I looked around 19 and no-one ever questioned it. And despite some mistakes, I have always been quite mature for my age. Anyway, this wasn't one of those moments. We were walking back from the date through some woods, and he went a bit far. I don't really know what happened, I wouldn't call it rape as such. I can't even remember to be honest, I was sober, but its all very fuzzy, I just remember thinking "I hope no one walks past and sees this", and pushing him off. Anyway I went home, got showered and went out with my friends. A few days later I told my friend, and we missed some classes to talk about it. Anyway, cause of this, we got confronted by teachers, and it all came out, and police were called. And then it got out around school, and people started being nasty to me about it. But it soon passed, I never told my parents anything, and I carried on as normal. I had a couple of really nice boyfriends, but I always cheated on them. I don't know why. I was quite popular by this point, I got asked out a lot, and pulled a lot. The guys I'd fancied at school who I never stood a chance with suddenly starting asking me on dates. I met another man, also a lot older, went out on a couple of dates with him, and ending up sleeping with him after an all day drink and drugs session. Thats how I lost my virginity. I had tried before with my really nice boyfriend, but it hurt too much. I didn't really speak to the guy after that. Then one day the man I was friends with who I spent a lot of time with took me to a big do. I got all dressed up and had a really nice time, but afterwards, when he took me back to my hotel room (we'd been drinking all day), he pinned me to the bed and ripped my trousers off. I fought him for ages and eventually ran off and hid til he'd gone. Then I went to the hotel bar and had a few drinks with people I'd met at the do. I ended up sleeping with one of them - a lot older, and just split up from his wife. I don't remember it. The next day the "friend" rang up crying and aplogising - I accepted. We carried on spending time together, and he tried it again a few times, each time I pushed him off, he'd cry and apologise, and I'd accept. I heard from friends a couple of years later he'd told people I was his girlfriend. I passed all my GCSE's, but by now my grades had slipped to Bs and Cs. But I was happy to have passed them at all, considering I did very little work.
I went to sixth form, but then the trouble started. I had a long-term boyfriend through sixth-form, who was an angel to me. I started to get very depressed and withdrawn. A couple of girls were nasty to me, cause one of their exes had asked me out, and they didn't deem me "worthy" of him and so called me an ugly slut. But that wasn't so bad, I was just generally depressed. I stopped eating for weeks, and then started eating loads, and put on weight. I'd sit in my room in the dark all day, and not go out. I'd stopped going out like I used to by this point, I was settled with my lovely boyfriend. I started cutting myself daily as well. I went to the doctors, and they put me on prozac, which made me very sick. Because of this, people in school started rumours that I was pregnant. I stopped taking them for a while. I dropped a couple of subjects, because I didn't go to the lessons and I couldn't handle it. I took an overdose once. Things were better after that. I had ups and downs, but eventually things got a bit better, although I still continued to cut myself, and missed a lot of lessons. I was with my boyfriend still, but ended up cheating on him a couple of times when drunk. I don't know why. We ended up splitting up before the end of sixth form, and I started seeing someone else. I ended up with 2 AS levels and 2 A levels, both rubbish grades. I had good refernces though, and I got into uni.
I thought that would be a new start, and for the first few months, uni was fantastic. After christmas, I started seeing a guy there. He was a rubbish boyfriend though - barely saw him, and think he slept with people behind my back. He called me the night of valentne's day to say he was out on the lash with his mates. My periods stopped, and I mentioned this to him, and he disappeared completely. Anyway, it turned out to be fine. I started seeing another guy, but when I wouldn't sleep with him after a few dates, he went mad at me. I finished that. There was a big group of girls I lived with (one my childhood best friend), and we all got on really well. One of our guy friends really fancied me, and I quite liked him, and the girls all told me to go for it. I started seeing him, and all the girls turned on me. It turned out one of them (my childhood best friend) also liked him, but they hadn't told me. They all completely turned on me, breaking my dishes, hiding things, hurling abuse at me when I walked past. I stopped seeing the guy cause of this, but it got worse after that. I stopped leaving my room. Other friends who were stuck in the middle would come down and see me, and say that it was just jealousy, but they would get abuse for talking to me. Anyway, I started cutting myself again, and went back on anti-depressants. I finished first year, and over summer applied for a transfer to another uni. I never changed though, I went back second year, moved in with some really nice girls and I was happy again. The other girls never apologised, but over summer just seemed to "forget" it all, and were nice to me. I started seeing the guy from first year again, but not seriously, (***** buddies) and that lasted all second year. There were a few bad occasions with him though - once his mate walked in, and then he tried to join in. Which was a bit disgusting. But other than that it was a good relationship, and suited me fine. We're really good friends now.
Occasionally in 2nd year I'd freak out and have a really low moment, and cut myself, but more often than not I was fine. Third year i met an amzing guy from home, and we started going out. Halfway through third year I started having panic attacks. I went to one counselling session, where I just cried all the way through, and never went again. I went really low again. I got through it though, and ended up graduating this summer with a 2:1, which was fantastic.
Which brings me to now. I don't know whats going on with me, I don't feel right at all. I still haven't found a job, which is very downheartening. But then I think when I find a job I won't be able to do it. I've had interviews, a couple have been promising - the interviewers have said I'm very friendly and likeable - but then some have dismissed me for being too nervous. I'm still with my boyfriend and things are good there in the main, he loves me a lot. But I keep having periods where I cry for no reason. I feel like I'm in a state of constant nervousness - my chest feels really tight, and I feel panicked. Even when I'm doing nothing. I feel constantly stuck in flight mode. I have periods where I just feel angry about everyone and everything. I just feel like hitting someone or something. Some days I'm ok though. I've become really obsessed with how I look though - I've put on a lot of weight this year, and some days I can't bear the thought of going out because I don't want people to look at me. I'll get ready for a night out, and then look in the mirror and sit and cry. My bf is fantsatsic, but he feels a bit lost. And then some days I'll be really happy and fine, and then I'll suddenly just turn. I'll get really angry, or I'll start crying. I have problems with trust, my bf knows that, but I get really jealous when he goes out with his mates, even though I know its fine and I don't have a problem with it. For some reason I still make a big deal out of it. Other times I'll start an argument for no reason. Its like I want him to hate me. He sticks by me though. I've gone off sex a lot as well. Its harder now I've had to move home anyway, but even when we have the chance I don't feel like it. When we do its fantsastic though - he's the one boyfriend I have a good sex life with. Its not that I didn't with others, but I went through periods of not wanting them to touch me, or just doing it because they wanted to and hating every moment. But then other times it was fine. Its strange, I had boyfriends I couldn't sleep with, but I had no problem having a ***** buddy. I feel weak all the time as well, but I had a blood sugar test this week and it was too high, so I think its something to do with that.
Its stange I say all of this about how much I worry (my bf says I worry too much), because all my friends think I'm so laid back. I always have to put on a front that everything is fine and even if its not, that I don't care. I am a complete procrastinator, and often would leave all my assignments to the last day, then go mad stressing over them, and end up with a good grade for it. Sometimes though, I would stress so much that i couldn't physically do an assignment cause I was so worried and I couldn't face it. My friends just thought I didn't care. And if I split up with someone, I'd be heartbroke, but I'd never show it.
I don't really know what the point of this was. It was just something I felt I needed to do. I have missed a hell of a lot off, but it is ridiculously long as it is. If anyone manages to get through that then its very commendable. I aplogise for it being so long. It seems ridiculous, looking back over it. Anyway, sorry for the really long post.