The Student Room Group

You'll need a brew to get through this...

I don't really know where to start. I normally hate these self-pitying threads, but it's difficult to sympathise when you haven't been in that position yourself. I'm sorry if this all comes out a little nonsensical, I just need to get things off my chest.

Basically everything started to go wrong when I was at school. I was always the brightest in my class, and everyone predicted I would follow my brother and do really well for myself. The teachers would also say I was "not as intelligent as my brother, but clever nonetheless". But despite this I was really unhappy - I wasn't disliked, and I was popular around people who knew me - but I never had a boyfriend. I was really unhappy with my looks - I'd never wear make-up and do it in the mirror in the toilets when other girls were around, I'd always think people would look and wonder why I'd even bother. I was bullemic for a bit but I stopped. Eventually, I started to lose weight naturally, then I dyed my hair, and I began to be more confident. I ended up spending more time with friends in my year who spent their time drinking, smoking etc. And the first time I went out with them and got drunk, I was actually happy. And that night I had my first kiss. The next day I couldn't remember his name. But I was happy. I continued drinking with them weekly, always getting so drunk I couldn't remember anything, or being sick, but it was fun. I smoked weed quite a bit as well. By this point I had changed quite a bit, I became very laid back. I also started hanging around with this man who was a lot older. We would go into the city on all day drinking sessions, and take a lot of cocaine and get high. And then once when we were out I met this other man. Looking back now its ridiculous, but I agreed to go out with this random stranger. Anyway, he thought I was a lot older. I was 15, but I looked around 19 and no-one ever questioned it. And despite some mistakes, I have always been quite mature for my age. Anyway, this wasn't one of those moments. We were walking back from the date through some woods, and he went a bit far. I don't really know what happened, I wouldn't call it rape as such. I can't even remember to be honest, I was sober, but its all very fuzzy, I just remember thinking "I hope no one walks past and sees this", and pushing him off. Anyway I went home, got showered and went out with my friends. A few days later I told my friend, and we missed some classes to talk about it. Anyway, cause of this, we got confronted by teachers, and it all came out, and police were called. And then it got out around school, and people started being nasty to me about it. But it soon passed, I never told my parents anything, and I carried on as normal. I had a couple of really nice boyfriends, but I always cheated on them. I don't know why. I was quite popular by this point, I got asked out a lot, and pulled a lot. The guys I'd fancied at school who I never stood a chance with suddenly starting asking me on dates. I met another man, also a lot older, went out on a couple of dates with him, and ending up sleeping with him after an all day drink and drugs session. Thats how I lost my virginity. I had tried before with my really nice boyfriend, but it hurt too much. I didn't really speak to the guy after that. Then one day the man I was friends with who I spent a lot of time with took me to a big do. I got all dressed up and had a really nice time, but afterwards, when he took me back to my hotel room (we'd been drinking all day), he pinned me to the bed and ripped my trousers off. I fought him for ages and eventually ran off and hid til he'd gone. Then I went to the hotel bar and had a few drinks with people I'd met at the do. I ended up sleeping with one of them - a lot older, and just split up from his wife. I don't remember it. The next day the "friend" rang up crying and aplogising - I accepted. We carried on spending time together, and he tried it again a few times, each time I pushed him off, he'd cry and apologise, and I'd accept. I heard from friends a couple of years later he'd told people I was his girlfriend. I passed all my GCSE's, but by now my grades had slipped to Bs and Cs. But I was happy to have passed them at all, considering I did very little work.

I went to sixth form, but then the trouble started. I had a long-term boyfriend through sixth-form, who was an angel to me. I started to get very depressed and withdrawn. A couple of girls were nasty to me, cause one of their exes had asked me out, and they didn't deem me "worthy" of him and so called me an ugly slut. But that wasn't so bad, I was just generally depressed. I stopped eating for weeks, and then started eating loads, and put on weight. I'd sit in my room in the dark all day, and not go out. I'd stopped going out like I used to by this point, I was settled with my lovely boyfriend. I started cutting myself daily as well. I went to the doctors, and they put me on prozac, which made me very sick. Because of this, people in school started rumours that I was pregnant. I stopped taking them for a while. I dropped a couple of subjects, because I didn't go to the lessons and I couldn't handle it. I took an overdose once. Things were better after that. I had ups and downs, but eventually things got a bit better, although I still continued to cut myself, and missed a lot of lessons. I was with my boyfriend still, but ended up cheating on him a couple of times when drunk. I don't know why. We ended up splitting up before the end of sixth form, and I started seeing someone else. I ended up with 2 AS levels and 2 A levels, both rubbish grades. I had good refernces though, and I got into uni.

I thought that would be a new start, and for the first few months, uni was fantastic. After christmas, I started seeing a guy there. He was a rubbish boyfriend though - barely saw him, and think he slept with people behind my back. He called me the night of valentne's day to say he was out on the lash with his mates. My periods stopped, and I mentioned this to him, and he disappeared completely. Anyway, it turned out to be fine. I started seeing another guy, but when I wouldn't sleep with him after a few dates, he went mad at me. I finished that. There was a big group of girls I lived with (one my childhood best friend), and we all got on really well. One of our guy friends really fancied me, and I quite liked him, and the girls all told me to go for it. I started seeing him, and all the girls turned on me. It turned out one of them (my childhood best friend) also liked him, but they hadn't told me. They all completely turned on me, breaking my dishes, hiding things, hurling abuse at me when I walked past. I stopped seeing the guy cause of this, but it got worse after that. I stopped leaving my room. Other friends who were stuck in the middle would come down and see me, and say that it was just jealousy, but they would get abuse for talking to me. Anyway, I started cutting myself again, and went back on anti-depressants. I finished first year, and over summer applied for a transfer to another uni. I never changed though, I went back second year, moved in with some really nice girls and I was happy again. The other girls never apologised, but over summer just seemed to "forget" it all, and were nice to me. I started seeing the guy from first year again, but not seriously, (***** buddies) and that lasted all second year. There were a few bad occasions with him though - once his mate walked in, and then he tried to join in. Which was a bit disgusting. But other than that it was a good relationship, and suited me fine. We're really good friends now.
Occasionally in 2nd year I'd freak out and have a really low moment, and cut myself, but more often than not I was fine. Third year i met an amzing guy from home, and we started going out. Halfway through third year I started having panic attacks. I went to one counselling session, where I just cried all the way through, and never went again. I went really low again. I got through it though, and ended up graduating this summer with a 2:1, which was fantastic.

Which brings me to now. I don't know whats going on with me, I don't feel right at all. I still haven't found a job, which is very downheartening. But then I think when I find a job I won't be able to do it. I've had interviews, a couple have been promising - the interviewers have said I'm very friendly and likeable - but then some have dismissed me for being too nervous. I'm still with my boyfriend and things are good there in the main, he loves me a lot. But I keep having periods where I cry for no reason. I feel like I'm in a state of constant nervousness - my chest feels really tight, and I feel panicked. Even when I'm doing nothing. I feel constantly stuck in flight mode. I have periods where I just feel angry about everyone and everything. I just feel like hitting someone or something. Some days I'm ok though. I've become really obsessed with how I look though - I've put on a lot of weight this year, and some days I can't bear the thought of going out because I don't want people to look at me. I'll get ready for a night out, and then look in the mirror and sit and cry. My bf is fantsatsic, but he feels a bit lost. And then some days I'll be really happy and fine, and then I'll suddenly just turn. I'll get really angry, or I'll start crying. I have problems with trust, my bf knows that, but I get really jealous when he goes out with his mates, even though I know its fine and I don't have a problem with it. For some reason I still make a big deal out of it. Other times I'll start an argument for no reason. Its like I want him to hate me. He sticks by me though. I've gone off sex a lot as well. Its harder now I've had to move home anyway, but even when we have the chance I don't feel like it. When we do its fantsastic though - he's the one boyfriend I have a good sex life with. Its not that I didn't with others, but I went through periods of not wanting them to touch me, or just doing it because they wanted to and hating every moment. But then other times it was fine. Its strange, I had boyfriends I couldn't sleep with, but I had no problem having a ***** buddy. I feel weak all the time as well, but I had a blood sugar test this week and it was too high, so I think its something to do with that.

Its stange I say all of this about how much I worry (my bf says I worry too much), because all my friends think I'm so laid back. I always have to put on a front that everything is fine and even if its not, that I don't care. I am a complete procrastinator, and often would leave all my assignments to the last day, then go mad stressing over them, and end up with a good grade for it. Sometimes though, I would stress so much that i couldn't physically do an assignment cause I was so worried and I couldn't face it. My friends just thought I didn't care. And if I split up with someone, I'd be heartbroke, but I'd never show it.

I don't really know what the point of this was. It was just something I felt I needed to do. I have missed a hell of a lot off, but it is ridiculously long as it is. If anyone manages to get through that then its very commendable. I aplogise for it being so long. It seems ridiculous, looking back over it. Anyway, sorry for the really long post.
Reply 1
I'll read it once I've been to Viccy Wine and picked up a few tinnies.
Reply 2
I've read it.

And I’m sorry that you've had such an awful time. I can't possibly begin to understand what you must have gone through to make you want to self harm. It's a lot to take in at such a young age. You should be proud of yourself for having come through it a young woman, with a good degree and a lovely supportive boyfriend.

I think perhaps these mood swings you've been having could possibly be to do with your blood sugar. I know that low BS makes you lethargic and so it's possible that high BS could do the opposite and make you hyper and drastically affect your mood. I would suggest you go and speak to a doctor about it. They would know how to help you best, given that they have your medical records and know your history of depression etc.

You mentioned that you have been to see a counsellor once? And ended up crying and never went back? Well perhaps you should give it another go. Maybe now, a few years on, you might feel ready to discuss your past. It will certainly help you address your trust issues and jealousy too. Perhaps take your boyfriend along for moral support if you don't want to face it alone? It will be a good way to strengthen the bond between the two of you.

I commend you and what you've achieved. Good luck for the future. I hope things go your way :smile:
Reply 3
Thanks, that was a really nice post.

I feel a bit better now after this. I wondered about counselling but to be honest, I really don't see how it could help. I think I'll definitely go to the doctors though.

Thanks Whizz, I really appreciate the reply. I'm off out for a bit now, going to have a walk and try to clear my head.
Reply 4
OK, I read it. A lot of that is pretty messed up, but it seems you're doing at least partially better now.

One thing I do feel compelled to suggest, however, is that you don't cheat on this boyfriend as you have the others. He sounds like a fantastic guy, so I really suggest making an effort not to cheat on him, even if that means quitting drinking.
Reply 5
I second what Whizz said. I think you are so brave to have gone through all that and come out the other end of it with a 2:1 and a fantastic boyfriend. A lot of people have trouble finding a job after uni, it might be worth doing something temporary, just get some money and then go travelling for a bit to get away from it all, nothing big and expensive, just a holiday. I used to have really bad mood swings but going on the pill sorted it out, its worth talking to your doctor about, especially as some pills can make it worse! Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, I bet most girls go through phases of not wanting sex, and it sounds to me like he understands. I know you said you have already seen a counsellor but sometimes it takes more than one visit to feel comfortable with your counsellor, if you do decide to go again don't be afraid to ask to see someone different because it may turn out you find them much easier to talk to. Best of luck with everything, and be proud of yourself for coming so far :smile:
Reply 6
Thanks, I really do appreciate all that guys.

I have no intention of cheating on him Mr God, he is a fantastic guy. And I've cut down on my drinking a lot. Getting old and sensible! :p:

Whizz and bunnycatkid - thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to see how the next few weeks go. if I don't feel better, I'll consider seeing a counsellor properly again. I know I'm very reluctant, I'm one of those people that likes to sort things out on their own!

I'm feeling a bit more positive now, hopefully the next few weeks will carry on the same. :smile:
Reply 7
Wow I really feel for you. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and I think you should be proud that you survived. I am really sorry for everything that happened.

One of my friends has something like this, where they just get low at random points, and then they feel bad about putting it on their friends (and her bf) but in the end friends are there for you and so is your boyfriend.

I think the key may be your boyfriend. He sounds like a great guy and like what has been said you should hang on to him. If anything is wrong talk to him, get it off your chest as it will help a lot (as by the sounds of it this has).

All I can really say is good luck, and keep your chin up. Sorry if I didnt help to much.
Reply 8
There seems to have been a lot of keeping your emotions to yourself in front of other people. I think unloading to a counsellor would be a great help and nothing is lost if it doesn't work. Why not try and get a voluntary job just to prove to yourself that you can do it? Have a trial run before you get a proper job. You're on the way up now. Good luck.
:eek: That's a lot of writing and I think I have square eyes from reading it all but I'm glad I did, you've really had an amazing time of it all.
Wow I really don't know what to suggest. You seem to know how to pull yourself out of the thick of it all, I mean getting a 2:1 after everything you went through is amazing, however the side effects of nervousness seem to be the consequence. I agree with Whizz that a high BS can cause mood swings so hopefully those will end. As for the nervousness it's something that perhaps may dilute in time once you feel more confident in yourself and your relationship. It's good you're out of the whole education system so atleast you won't be worrying about assignments. Perhaps you will be able to settle more easily into life once you have a stable job and things will become more grounded. Your emotions are maybe a little in the air because you have an uncertain future at the moment, hopefully the introduction of a job may change this. You seem to have a fantastic boyfriend so hold on to him! I really hope everything works out for you :smile: xxx
I read all of it. I must say that getting through that and coming out with a 2:1 is brilliant! :smile::hugs: I agree with what Whizz said as well, high BS could give you moodswings and hyperactive. Going back to a councellor might be a good idea though, take your boyfriend with you, as support :smile:
I really hope things work out for you though :smile::hugs:
Reply 11
I read too, and dont know what else I can say that the others havent, but well done for getting through it. Youve been through a lot early in life, thats for sure! You seem a little confused though now, perhaps about where to go now? As has been said, perhaps get a volontary job first? OR, take a holiday- it might not be financially sensible, but perhaps its what you need to help show you how to get out and enjoy life and make of it what you can, then you might come back inspired to start a job?

Good luck with the future
Scott
Reply 12
I think this proves that drugs **** you up. I'd say you have mild paranoia bought on by drug use during puberty, I knew this person who smoked so much weed when he was young that he was in a mental asylum at age 18 seeing giant insects in his sleep.

You need counselling badly, on the job front I'd say put on a persona before an interview (have a drink but by god make sure the interviewer doesnt smell it). Your fear is in the new situation although with a 2.1 I am very surprised you havent got a job, thats the hard part for most employers.
well done for getting this far OP. With shi* like that happening, you need to be a strong person to pull through it all, and you are certainly that :smile:
I read that. and it sounds like you've been through so much. I'm sorry for the problems you've had and (without trying to sound patronising) it's so admirable that you're overcoming these problems, or even addressing these problems. I'd definitely say a counsellor would be good- even if it was just purely for someone objective to talk to. You're current bf sounds great, and good on you for cutting down on your drinking.

Sorry if this doesnt help much but i wish you lots of luck:smile:
Reply 15
sounds like you are the cause of your own pain.



try and be less of a victim, don't just drink when ever the chance comes around and try and be more strong willed.
Reply 16
Anonymous
I went through periods of not wanting them to touch me, or just doing it because they wanted to and hating every moment. But then other times it was fine.

I always have to put on a front that everything is fine and even if its not, that I don't care.


Don't put a front on, everyone feels like you some of the time. Don't be afraid to be yourself.