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Parents won't let me move out
Basically I'm 18 and my parents won't let me move out for university. I'm going to a uni an hour and 45 mins away from me and will have to commute everyday. I actualy wanted to go to a uni outside of london but because of them, I couldn't. I'm the eldest girl in my family and come from a strict muslim african background, all of which means that my parents are very overprotective of me. I love them and I know they think they're just doing it for my own good but I'm desperate to go. I decided to move out in about a years time so that I can hopefully save up enough money to cover a few months of rent and that. I broke the news to my mum the other day and she just went mad and got really upset. I don't know what to do
Whenever I bring it up, my mum just names all our neighbours and her friends whose daughters and sons still live at home and those that only left when they got married and says that I won't leave till I'm married, but I don't plan on getting married soon.Should I just let her be angry and hope that she'll calm down or forget about moving out and just try again when I'm 21?
Whenever I bring it up, my mum just names all our neighbours and her friends whose daughters and sons still live at home and those that only left when they got married and says that I won't leave till I'm married, but I don't plan on getting married soon.Should I just let her be angry and hope that she'll calm down or forget about moving out and just try again when I'm 21?Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
Tell her to **** off. Your parents don't have to let you move out. You're 18 - move out of your own accord. If you don't agree with the culture, no one says you have to follow it. In the end, tradition is important, but your happiness is more so, and your mum should only want what's best for you - and if you think that's moving away, she needs to get used to the idea.
Reply 2
I think that you should let her be angry and hope that she calms down. You need your independance and you need to be able to learn how to live on your own. Maybe you could agree on some sort of compromise with your Mum, like you come back and live at the house on weekends, or that you move in with another Muslim girl with the same background as you? Or maybe you could move into a flat which isn't that far away, so that your parents could easily come round when they liked.
Either way, I think it's important that you learn to be independant. Telling your parents is the hardest bit. Hopefully they will calm down, but you need to be firm with them, and then maybe suggest a compromise which will placate them a little bit.
Good luck!
Either way, I think it's important that you learn to be independant. Telling your parents is the hardest bit. Hopefully they will calm down, but you need to be firm with them, and then maybe suggest a compromise which will placate them a little bit.
Good luck!
You really shouldnt be prevented from moving out to go to university at 18 (being legally an adult).
If nothing else, you might have jeapardised your career by settling for a lower standard local university rather than having a greater choice elsewhere.
I dont think you should let your parents rather overprotective tendancies get in the way for you too much. But you do have to keep them in mind (ringing them everyday etc)
If nothing else, you might have jeapardised your career by settling for a lower standard local university rather than having a greater choice elsewhere.
I dont think you should let your parents rather overprotective tendancies get in the way for you too much. But you do have to keep them in mind (ringing them everyday etc)
Reply 4
Jeez, she respects her parent ya know.
Best method is to explain and keep on explaining why its an important factor for you.
Best method is to explain and keep on explaining why its an important factor for you.
Reply 5
I can see where you guys are coming from and I would have forced them to let me move out but then my dad had a heart attack in June so we've all had to be careful round him and my mum just tells me not to upset him.
generalebriety
Tell her to **** off.
i doubt that'll get her very far. not to mention it's highly disrespectful.
anyway, like the last person said, keep explaining why it's important to you. i'm sure deep down she knows it's not logical for you to travel so much during the day. especially when you've got work to do and you'll be tired, etc.
my parents are quite the same and i come from a strict middle eastern background but they're slowly growing to the idea and have even asked me about where i'm thinking of renting out a flat
i just kept telling them that this was important to me, etc, etc, and i SHOWED them i was responsible. that's really important. show it through actions. old trick, but it still seems to work v. well.
g'luck
You don't need to get the money together yourself for halls, that's what student loans are for. I'd try speaking to someone at your uni when you start and see if they can arrange something for you.
As for your parents, they're being incredibly selfish quite frankly. I'm not sure what you should tell them - perhaps that it's too tiring for you to commute so far every day, and too expensive. Perhaps tell them that it's affecting your work. You never know, all those things might be true anyway.
You definitely need to move out though, IMO.
As for your parents, they're being incredibly selfish quite frankly. I'm not sure what you should tell them - perhaps that it's too tiring for you to commute so far every day, and too expensive. Perhaps tell them that it's affecting your work. You never know, all those things might be true anyway.
You definitely need to move out though, IMO.
.....best thing would be to discuss it until they give in..
I don't know what to do Whenever I bring it up, my mum just names all our neighbours and her friends whose daughters and sons still live at home and those that only left when they got married...
next step would be to ask her if all her neighbours killed their children, would you do the same?
she'll say, dont be ridiculous
you say, well thats your reasoning for keeping me here, ridiculous isnt it?
then depending on her ego/how much youve pissed her off, it should go down better...
I don't know what to do Whenever I bring it up, my mum just names all our neighbours and her friends whose daughters and sons still live at home and those that only left when they got married...
next step would be to ask her if all her neighbours killed their children, would you do the same?
she'll say, dont be ridiculous
you say, well thats your reasoning for keeping me here, ridiculous isnt it?
then depending on her ego/how much youve pissed her off, it should go down better...
Reply 10
Anonymous
Basically I'm 18 and my parents won't let me move out for university. I'm going to a uni an hour and 45 mins away from me and will have to commute everyday. I actualy wanted to go to a uni outside of london but because of them, I couldn't. I'm the eldest girl in my family and come from a strict muslim african background, all of which means that my parents are very overprotective of me. I love them and I know they think they're just doing it for my own good but I'm desperate to go. I decided to move out in about a years time so that I can hopefully save up enough money to cover a few months of rent and that. I broke the news to my mum the other day and she just went mad and got really upset. I don't know what to do Whenever I bring it up, my mum just names all our neighbours and her friends whose daughters and sons still live at home and those that only left when they got married and says that I won't leave till I'm married, but I don't plan on getting married soon.Should I just let her be angry and hope that she'll calm down or forget about moving out and just try again when I'm 21?
Whenever I bring it up, my mum just names all our neighbours and her friends whose daughters and sons still live at home and those that only left when they got married and says that I won't leave till I'm married, but I don't plan on getting married soon.Should I just let her be angry and hope that she'll calm down or forget about moving out and just try again when I'm 21?THe worst thing you could ever do is lead the life your parents want you to and be unhappy or unfulfilled in life. - That just sets up problems for your own children.
The problem isn't that your parents won't LET YOU move out, the problem is that you care too much about their feelings to exercise your right to do so.
You're an adult. You can move out if you want. It's just a matter of whether or not you care more about upsetting them than you do about your freedom.
I would like to point out that they don't see to give too much of a crap about your feelings in the matter, so why should you extend to them courtesy they don't show you?
You're an adult. You can move out if you want. It's just a matter of whether or not you care more about upsetting them than you do about your freedom.
I would like to point out that they don't see to give too much of a crap about your feelings in the matter, so why should you extend to them courtesy they don't show you?
Mr.God
The problem isn't that your parents won't LET YOU move out, the problem is that you care too much about their feelings to exercise your right to do so.
You're an adult. You can move out if you want. It's just a matter of whether or not you care more about upsetting them than you do about your freedom.
I would like to point out that they don't see to give too much of a crap about your feelings in the matter, so why should you extend to them courtesy they don't show you?
You're an adult. You can move out if you want. It's just a matter of whether or not you care more about upsetting them than you do about your freedom.
I would like to point out that they don't see to give too much of a crap about your feelings in the matter, so why should you extend to them courtesy they don't show you?
family is really improtant you can't just ignore them, they are the people who can always be there for you when things are going wrong if lose your friends, upset about something they're the closest people to you.
I am in the same position as the OP,I a muslim girl from bangladesh. I completly empathize, I had to opt for a lower standard uni than the ones i could have gone for, because it was closer to home and theres a lot of pressure on you from parents to do so...and when i tried to argue with my parents about going to a different uni they would make excuses about living cost etc even though i could get loans and take on financial responsibilities myself. They effectively play the guilt trip on me and yes i respect my parents, and i love them because they bring me into this world so i feel hurt if i think i hurt them in anyway. Theres this fear of being disowed if i continue to argue.
Reply 13
I am sick and tired of families being overprotective, Tell them to get lost....DO WHAT YOU WANT, you ARE 18!!! Call the police if u have to!
.S.O.S.
family is really improtant you can't just ignore them, they are the people who can always be there for you when things are going wrong if lose your friends, upset about something they're the closest people to you.
I am in the same position as the OP,I a muslim girl from bangladesh. I completly empathize, I had to opt for a lower standard uni than the ones i could have gone for, because it was closer to home and theres a lot of pressure on you from parents to do so...and when i tried to argue with my parents about going to a different uni they would make excuses about living cost etc even though i could get loans and take on financial responsibilities myself. They effectively play the guilt trip on me and yes i respect my parents, and i love them because they bring me into this world so i feel hurt if i think i hurt them in anyway. Theres this fear of being disowed if i continue to argue.
I am in the same position as the OP,I a muslim girl from bangladesh. I completly empathize, I had to opt for a lower standard uni than the ones i could have gone for, because it was closer to home and theres a lot of pressure on you from parents to do so...and when i tried to argue with my parents about going to a different uni they would make excuses about living cost etc even though i could get loans and take on financial responsibilities myself. They effectively play the guilt trip on me and yes i respect my parents, and i love them because they bring me into this world so i feel hurt if i think i hurt them in anyway. Theres this fear of being disowed if i continue to argue.
My parents have always respected me enough to let me make my own decisions. If they didn't respect me enough to do that, then I would have no motivation to show them any respect.
Reply 16
but my parents say that they're doing ti because they respect me and they don't want anything bad to happen to me. If I was to go completely against what they wanted, which I have contemplated, I ahve to risk being disowned and coming from the kinda family I do that would be hell as I'm so used to this large family and I do get on with them mostly. The last time I forced my parents to allow me to do something was DofE as they weren't comfortable with me camping with non muslims but I basically said I was going and thats that. AND my mum still brings up today and says stuff like 'I can't believe you went on that thing, I'm worried about you, you're becoming too Westernised, are you going to end up converting to Christianity then?'
If they respected you then they wouldn't try to control you.
And what's up with their xenophobic attitude, trying to keep you isolated from non-Muslims? Complaining about you becoming too westernised? You live in the ****ing UK for Christ's sake, in case they managed to miss it, this is a western country.
Sounds like your parents are controlling, narrow minded bigots to me.
And what's up with their xenophobic attitude, trying to keep you isolated from non-Muslims? Complaining about you becoming too westernised? You live in the ****ing UK for Christ's sake, in case they managed to miss it, this is a western country.
Sounds like your parents are controlling, narrow minded bigots to me.
Initially my parents didnt want me to move out, they said if I went outside of London they would cut me off financially. I was really upset about it but eventually I decided to apply anyway to the places I wanted to go. Then I got accepted into Nottingham and just told them that I was going to a highly rated university and that I didnt get the grades to go to a top London uni like UCL so there was nothing I could do. Basically I just did what I wanted and they had to go along with it. Last weekend my mum took me shopping to ikea for all my uni stuff, its something ive always imagined doing with her and finally it happened. Its your life and you cant live it to make other people happy, so just persevere, apply for accomadation, send the deposit and then tell them its done and your going.
Reply 19
Mr God, my parents may be 'narrow minded bigots' but I still love them and its not that they're xenophobic, its that they don't know anything else. Where they come from children don't leave until they get married and they themselves didn't leave home until they got married so they want the same for me. and they don't try keep me isolated from non muslims, the majority of my friends aren't muslim and I go out with them all the time. what my parents have a big hang up about is me spending nights away from home which is why this is such a big issue to them and why Dof E was as well.
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