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Girlfriend Troubles.....

Right, I'm off to Oxford in 2 weeks and I've got a girlfriend whos just started her upper sixth, we've been going out just over a year. We both live near Oxford, so it wouldn't be hard to stay together at all while I'm at Uni, that's not an issue.

I do really like her, but I don't love her, I thought I might, but I know I don't now and I think its time I ended it, make a fresh start for Uni, so I can talk to girls and not feel like I'm betraying her. We argue quite a bit, when we do I sometimes feel like ending it right there (although I never would, I want to end it on good terms if thats possible), but I do have a good time with her. I don't know what I should be feeling a year in, but I'm pretty sure after 12 months I would know if I loved her. Of course, stupidly we both said ages ago that we love each other and tell each other that all the time, I feel horrible everytime I tell her I love her, I'm sure you'll understand that I can't stop it though.

Thinking about breaking up with her and having long talks about it with friends has made me realise the enormity of the task and how empty my life my life would feel. It would take some getting over. The other thing is I don't want to hurt her (I know its a stupid dam reason, but I do care for her lots). Shes does love me, and has told me she doesn't think she could get over me, so I'm scared!

So you see my problem -

I have 3 options:
1. Stay together, with me knowing she's not ideal for me and theres someone better suited for both of us
2. Tell her how I feel and see what she says
3. Man up, bite the bullet and break up with her

Sorry for the long posted, but this whole thing is really messing with me.

Reply 1

Austin226

i think u know what to do, man up and bite the bullet - talk to her as well but you say u dont love her, so why would u continue to go out with her

Reply 2

notts

i wouldnt tell her you dont love her, just tell her you want to move on when at uni, its a junction in your life, etc etc.

Reply 3

iceman_jondoe

18

you have to man up and bite the bullet. Theres no point in being in a relationship you are not comfortable with. I know it can be difficult to move on but once you have dont it belive me you will feel relived afterwards...its like another burden will be lifted off your shoulders. Its best to sit down with her and talk about it to her face to face im sure she'll understand i mean being with her for a year she should understand you very well. There will always be others which have the same or similar qualities as her the phrase "there are plenty more fish in the sea" comes to mind. So move on.. :smile:

Reply 4

Tractor-girlie

Go to uni get a new life and then it wont feel so empty when you tell her. If you like her you wouldnt lie to her.

Reply 5

username47781

20

Hang on wait a minute, so just because your going to uni your going to throw in the towel and break up without least working out what has gone wrong.

Well if thats how you feel suppose there is no point lying to her, but be prepared she will be devestated.

Reply 6

WokSz

17

I agree with Carl. Why don't you give it a go and see what happens? Maybe you will see that you have time to see your gf at University so it won't be that difficult.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks guys, I need to hear that. Thing is - I do still like her and enjoy the relationship.

Carl1982

Hang on wait a minute, so just because your going to uni your going to throw in the towel and break up without least working out what has gone wrong.

Well if thats how you feel suppose there is no point lying to her, but be prepared she will be devestated.

^^ Thats my problem.

Ok - before I went out with her, I'd been through a year of singleness, going through women with random pulls etc. My mum told me I was missing out by not having a girlfriend, so along came this really hot girl, who seemed to really like me - I mentioned her to my mum and she said 'try it out, if you don't work, you can break up.' I worry I went out with her just for my mum almost, however wrong that is.

You know that smiling for days feeling when you start going out with someone? I didn't really get that.

But then I got really close to her. She's changed lots over the year, and I thought I might have loved her.

The problems I have with the relationship are:
- Her maturity about money and possesions - she has only child syndrome, shes not exactly giving. Very thoughtful though
- We're not that sexually compatible. I'm all up for 'experimenting', but she gets shy about being a bit fun about things - not just doing it in the bedroom. Her sex drive is quite low - and I may be being shallow, but it frustrates me sometimes
- I'm not as attracted to her as I originally was
- I'm a pretty loud person, do loads of sports, play in a band, pretty extravert. She's quite shy around new people and generally quite in group situations, I think I'd be more suited to a more bubbly girl
- I always knew it would come to an end right from the start

Thanks again

Reply 8

notts

WokSz

I agree with Carl. Why don't you give it a go and see what happens? Maybe you will see that you have time to see your gf at University so it won't be that difficult.

did you even read his post? having time to see her isnt the issue.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

I'm also quite resistant to telling her to her face that I don't love her, a friend of mine did that with his girlfriend and it killed her, I'd like to avoid actually saying that. GOD I'M SUCH A GIRL! (no offense to girls meant).

She was telling me how she was showing off to all her friends how it was our 1 year anni the other day, and telling them how great the meal was and how it was perfect etc.

I just thought - well great, all of that is about to be ruined and your friends will think your stupid.

Reply 10

notts

dont say u dont love her. going to uni gives u a reasonable excuse for wanting to split up

Reply 11

Anonymous #2

mate im in a very similar situation to you, i sympathise with you.

Reply 12

imageofreality

i hung around still going out with my ex for a few months knowing that i didn't love her anymore but didn't want to bring myself to end it but i did eventually and i think i wish i had done so earlier... no matter how far away you live from her with you going to uni it cud be hard, my gf is has onli jst started down the road in manc, but cos she is living in halls it feels like she has grown up loads in about 4 days!and im still stuck here for two weeks too :p:

stupid terms! if you truly think that she would be better with some one else then split up with her if you aren't doing because you think you can last it out i would say split up with her, i tried that and it justr got harder and harder to be happy in the relationship! plus it sounds very cliche but if you find you reali did love her and vice versa you can always try and get back in touch :smile:

Reply 13

CyanideZombie

5

Anonymous

I tell her I love her, I'm sure you'll understand that I can't stop it though.

Thats exactly what my ex didn't after over a year of going out. :frown:

My advice would be don't say that though. It isn't that nice to hear to be honest!

Reply 14

LouE3D

Anonymous

Ok - before I went out with her, I'd been through a year of singleness, going through women with random pulls etc. My mum told me I was missing out by not having a girlfriend, so along came this really hot girl, who seemed to really like me - I mentioned her to my mum and she said 'try it out, if you don't work, you can break up.' I worry I went out with her just for my mum almost, however wrong that is.

You know that smiling for days feeling when you start going out with someone? I didn't really get that.

But then I got really close to her. She's changed lots over the year, and I thought I might have loved her.

The problems I have with the relationship are:
- Her maturity about money and possesions - she has only child syndrome, shes not exactly giving. Very thoughtful though
- We're not that sexually compatible. I'm all up for 'experimenting', but she gets shy about being a bit fun about things - not just doing it in the bedroom. Her sex drive is quite low - and I may be being shallow, but it frustrates me sometimes
- I'm not as attracted to her as I originally was
- I'm a pretty loud person, do loads of sports, play in a band, pretty extravert. She's quite shy around new people and generally quite in group situations, I think I'd be more suited to a more bubbly girl
- I always knew it would come to an end right from the start

Thanks again

Dude, seriously you need to at least have the decency to be honest with this girl....? This blatently isn't going to work, even if you do "give it a go" at uni... just from your posts you can see you have already made up your mind that you don't want to be with her so strap on a pair!!!

And take it from someone who has had "i don't love you" said to her after 3 years, whilst engaged (yeah, was reeeeal fun!) that life goes on. OK, it hurts, it's difficult for both parties and sometimes quite hard to understand, but once you've dealt with all the ****, you realise it was the best thing and move on! She will get over it!

Reply 15

CyanideZombie

5

LouE3D

And take it from someone who has had "i don't love you" said to her after 3 years, whilst engaged (yeah, was reeeeal fun!) that life goes on. OK, it hurts, it's difficult for both parties and sometimes quite hard to understand, but once you've dealt with all the ****, you realise it was the best thing and move on! She will get over it!

I actually feel sorry for you even though I don't know you!

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

LouE3D

Dude, seriously you need to at least have the decency to be honest with this girl....? This blatently isn't going to work, even if you do "give it a go" at uni... just from your posts you can see you have already made up your mind that you don't want to be with her so strap on a pair!!!

And take it from someone who has had "i don't love you" said to her after 3 years, whilst engaged (yeah, was reeeeal fun!) that life goes on. OK, it hurts, it's difficult for both parties and sometimes quite hard to understand, but once you've dealt with all the ****, you realise it was the best thing and move on! She will get over it!

Thanks - Thats what I need to hear.

Its just so hard to imagine us not being together, it'd be so strange.

you've all given great advice guys

Reply 17

LouE3D

CyanideZombie

I actually feel sorry for you even though I don't know you!

Ah bless ya, thanks... but seriously don't - it was probably one of the hardest things I went through (selling your wedding dress is fun! ) but it definatly was the best thing that could have happened to me... i got my life back, i got my freedom, i got a new sense of determination and ambition... am, a much stronger person now! I'm just glad he had the balls to realise things weren't working! :biggrin:

Reply 18

LouE3D

Anonymous

Thanks - Thats what I need to hear.

Its just so hard to imagine us not being together, it'd be so strange.

you've all given great advice guys

But you replace the old with the new - you meet new people, do different things, the world is your oyster!

Your imagination runs wild!!! :p:

Reply 19

Opalfruit

I think you have to tell her, and be definite about it. When I broke up with my first proper boyfriend, who I had been madly in love with we tried to stay friends, but i think all that did was make us both have this vain hope, or possibility of getting back togther which, to be honest since I really didn't want to, just made things a lot more ****ed up.

What I'm saying is that I think you should tell her, be firm about it, as it seems pretty obvious you don't want to be with her, and then get on with uni. From her point of view, she'll be hurt, but at least she's not left with the hope of getting back together, when you won't, and I think in time she'll be glad she can get on with her life without having you near her, to distract her, if that makes any sense.

This is all just based on my own experience, so you might look at it differently, but I don't think either of you will be happy if you don't tell her.

Girlfriend Troubles.....

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