The Student Room Group

Mum's trying to force me to put on weight

Ok, I’m a girl and I’m about 53 kg for 1m78. I got to like myself the way I am (I always want perfection but I finally accepted that perfection does not exist) but my mother wants me to go back to at least 55kg, and fast. Thing is I really don’t want to put n weight, and I’m scared that forcing myself will make more harm than anything because I’m scared I am not going to like myself and so I’ll punish myself unconsciously for putting on weight, even if I know I have to… What should I do? I am so lost. I really don’t want to lie to her or anything (I live abroad so she won’t see me until Christmas but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any ways to know) and I’ve been talking a lot to her and she’s putting on pressure saying she’ll force me to come back for anorexia and will say no to everything I ask her etc.

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Reply 1
Tell her to grow up and mind her own business. Tell her you're perfectly healthy and that you're an adult and your weight is none of her concern.

If she doesn't listen then you have to decide whether the things she will deny you for your refusal to put weight back on are worth missing out on for the sake of maintaining a weight you are more comfortable with.
Reply 2
Just eat healthily and then you'll find out your true bodyweight.
Reply 3
Thing is I'm not officially an adult yet, and the food is quite bad at the place I'm staying at so I don't feel like eating. And it's not like I'm starving myself or anything. But I am really scared to put on weight
Reply 4
Hmmm your mum is right to be worried. If you arent an adult and you havent fully grown yet it is very important to eat well. Tell her to give you an allowance for decent food that you can cook if it is so important to her.

2 extra kgs isn't unreasonable and really wont be that noticeable,
Reply 5
Calculating your BMI, it's at 16.7, which is in the underweight range - it should really be at least 18.5 to be healthy, and you certainly don't want to lose any more weight. The ideal weight for your height would be from 58.6kg to 79.2kg.

The fact that you're scared to put on weight is a problem, too - sure, you wouldn't want to be overweight, but you're nowhere near that (you'd have to be 80kg to be considered overweight for your height). Trying to eat a little more and be in the 60kg range would be good. If you find the prospect scary, and especially if you're losing weight, you should probably discuss it with a doctor.
Reply 6
Yup I totally agree with what the last poster said - at 16.7, your BMI's still too low hon. Mine's still only 15.4, got a long way to go yet. Am currently on a weight-gain diet, pretty high too coz I workout alot (love my exercise, and that's not just a purging thing either.) If you're not menstruating either, you're in trouble. I'm already getting severe back pains in my lower spine - the area cited as most at risk when i had a bonescan in Bethlem Hospital's ED unit - and am currently trying to gain enough weight to start my periods off again in the hopes of preventing osteoporosis setting in, if it already hasn't. If it has, the back pains will be due to small fractures in my spine, caused by excessive exercise on a low bodyweight for the past 5 years. I've not had a period since Sep 2001, and wsa 16 at the time they stopped, so I could've grown another inch or so, damnit! What I'm trying to say is, for God's sake, don't stunt your growth now and don't let osteoporosis set in. Even if it don't get you now, it could in later life when you've not got enough bone mass to support your muscles/organs/daily life, and when your estrogen levels drop with menopause - bam, you're in agony and virtually unable to walk. Trust me on this one, coz I saw enough old ladies stooped over in pain in the EDU to last me a lifetime. Scared me more than seeing the little girls on the ward.

So my ultimate advice to you? Get your weight up pronto. To hell with BMI, it's totally inaccurate anyway - look at atheletes with so-called "obsesity" at BMI level 30. They're packed with muscle!! Get weight-training so you gain healthy lean muscle weight - yes, you WILL HAVE TO EAT ALOT TO SUPPORT IT but it's better than sitting on your ass all day gaining fat, isn't it?! Keep cardio levels MODERATE so you don't lose fitness - walking/gentle cycling and jogging, no more than 3x/week, to warm up/cool down after weight training. Do the latter 3x/week for 46mins/1 hour. Cardio, no more than 20 mins, max (if jogging/cycling.) This is only a ROUGH GUIDELINE ,ok? Get to see a dietitian who can help you with your individual needs. If you're not an adult yet, you're still under the care of your 'rents I'm afraid - but this doesn't mean your Mom gets to dictate everything to you. Look at it this way - this is how one of my mates on the EDU put it - would you rather be sitting around on a ward all day, eating tons of ****e and gaining fat, coz you were forced into going there to gain weight.....or would you rather be gaining weight the healthy, INDEPENDENT way by eating a high-cal but HEALTHY diet, supplemented with weight-training and light cardio? I know which I'd choose, hon. Get your act together, and gain some weight. I'm doing it, and I'm scared outta my wits - but it's for my future. I want my life back.
Reply 7
I went through a similar thing with my parents. the thing is you are a very low bmi so health wise should technically put on weight however the chances are your mum trying to force you to gain weight will make you not want to even more (it did for me anyway). It does sound like you may have an issue with your weight. perhaps you could seek help independently. it's difficult though trust me i know.

However i would really like to stress that your mum is behaving like this because she loves you and she is worried. My sister is a recovering anorexic, her illness destroyed my parents. Eating disorders are just as hard for the sufferers families as they are for the sufferer.
You should put on some weight, you seem a bit underweight.
Reply 9
Anonymous
Thing is I'm not officially an adult yet, and the food is quite bad at the place I'm staying at so I don't feel like eating. And it's not like I'm starving myself or anything. But I am really scared to put on weight


"Thing is I'm not officially an adult yet"


For me, that sums up the situation. Instead of writing "I'm a child/only 17" etc, you seem to avoid being direct. You need to seriously consider your weight; i am around your height, and 70kg, and i need to put on weight as im too skinny. i don't even have breasts (and how can you at such a weight?).

i know it's not what you want to hear, but listen to your mum!
Reply 10
CelenaGaia
Yup I totally agree with what the last poster said - at 16.7, your BMI's still too low hon. Mine's still only 15.4, got a long way to go yet. Am currently on a weight-gain diet, pretty high too coz I workout alot (love my exercise, and that's not just a purging thing either.) If you're not menstruating either, you're in trouble. I'm already getting severe back pains in my lower spine - the area cited as most at risk when i had a bonescan in Bethlem Hospital's ED unit - and am currently trying to gain enough weight to start my periods off again in the hopes of preventing osteoporosis setting in, if it already hasn't. If it has, the back pains will be due to small fractures in my spine, caused by excessive exercise on a low bodyweight for the past 5 years. I've not had a period since Sep 2001, and wsa 16 at the time they stopped, so I could've grown another inch or so, damnit! What I'm trying to say is, for God's sake, don't stunt your growth now and don't let osteoporosis set in. Even if it don't get you now, it could in later life when you've not got enough bone mass to support your muscles/organs/daily life, and when your estrogen levels drop with menopause - bam, you're in agony and virtually unable to walk. Trust me on this one, coz I saw enough old ladies stooped over in pain in the EDU to last me a lifetime. Scared me more than seeing the little girls on the ward.

So my ultimate advice to you? Get your weight up pronto. To hell with BMI, it's totally inaccurate anyway - look at atheletes with so-called "obsesity" at BMI level 30. They're packed with muscle!! Get weight-training so you gain healthy lean muscle weight - yes, you WILL HAVE TO EAT ALOT TO SUPPORT IT but it's better than sitting on your ass all day gaining fat, isn't it?! Keep cardio levels MODERATE so you don't lose fitness - walking/gentle cycling and jogging, no more than 3x/week, to warm up/cool down after weight training. Do the latter 3x/week for 46mins/1 hour. Cardio, no more than 20 mins, max (if jogging/cycling.) This is only a ROUGH GUIDELINE ,ok? Get to see a dietitian who can help you with your individual needs. If you're not an adult yet, you're still under the care of your 'rents I'm afraid - but this doesn't mean your Mom gets to dictate everything to you. Look at it this way - this is how one of my mates on the EDU put it - would you rather be sitting around on a ward all day, eating tons of ****e and gaining fat, coz you were forced into going there to gain weight.....or would you rather be gaining weight the healthy, INDEPENDENT way by eating a high-cal but HEALTHY diet, supplemented with weight-training and light cardio? I know which I'd choose, hon. Get your act together, and gain some weight. I'm doing it, and I'm scared outta my wits - but it's for my future. I want my life back.


I for one would find this far more frightening than the prospect of losing weight. Not the periods thing or the not having breasts, 'cos I'm a guy, but you get my dirft!

Also, very thin girls are very unattractive. I challenge anyone to disagree.
I've had the same problem. After a while my mum got used to it, and realised this is how I want to look and how I like myself. She still grabs my wrists to exagerrate they are too thin, but now she's not really forcing me to put on weight anymore, it just takes time to get used to I guess, well for me anyway. She should get over it in time.
Reply 12
aced
"Thing is I'm not officially an adult yet"


For me, that sums up the situation. Instead of writing "I'm a child/only 17" etc, you seem to avoid being direct. You need to seriously consider your weight; i am around your height, and 70kg, and i need to put on weight as im too skinny. i don't even have breasts (and how can you at such a weight?).

i know it's not what you want to hear, but listen to your mum!

OK, I put it that way because I am nt 17 but I’ve been living alone for 1 year now and I am responsible etc and I have lived like an adult. SO I am an adult, except for the age if you see what I mean. Anyways, we came to an agreement, which is that if I don’t want to put on weight, then I have to see a psychologist. I don’t really like the idea, but I’d rather do that than be forced to do something I really don’t want to and maybe make it worse. Also, I already exercise every day and I eat healthy food. I know my mother is worried, and I can understand, but the thing that really annoys me is that the won’t trust me when I tell her I like myself like this and I won’t lose anymore weight… So we’ll see how it goes now. Thanks for your help, it’s nice to have people supporting me and not feeling judged! And it is true that the fact that she is forcing me to put on weight makes me want to say no even more (I know, it's kind of stupid)...
Reply 13
Anonymous
I've had the same problem. After a while my mum got used to it, and realised this is how I want to look and how I like myself. She still grabs my wrists to exagerrate they are too thin, but now she's not really forcing me to put on weight anymore, it just takes time to get used to I guess, well for me anyway. She should get over it in time.


Thing is, if I don't agree (to put on weight or see a psychologist), she might force me to come back, which means I will have to change school, go back to a French speaking school, and probably lose all of my chances of going to Uni in the UK (i'd like to go to Cambridge so...) so I don't really have a choice :frown:
Reply 14
Anonymous
Thing is, if I don't agree (to put on weight or see a psychologist), she might force me to come back, which means I will have to change school, go back to a French speaking school, and probably lose all of my chances of going to Uni in the UK (i'd like to go to Cambridge so...) so I don't really have a choice :frown:


ok speaking from someone who has seen it with my sister and dozens of other girls in our local ED unit. Eating/weight disorders and university don't mix. in so many ways. firstly if you do get in then it can ruin your ability to socialise. but most importantly once in uni is very stressful many people who are coping with ED's cannot cope with uni. ED can really affect your long term happiness.

Your mum loves you. she just wants to help. for those people who are saying she will get over it in time. SHE WON'T if she is any kind of good mother. ED are very very selfish illnesses. You are probably tearing your mother apart - consider that
Reply 15
chel
ok speaking from someone who has seen it with my sister and dozens of other girls in our local ED unit. Eating/weight disorders and university don't mix. in so many ways. firstly if you do get in then it can ruin your ability to socialise. but most importantly once in uni is very stressful many people who are coping with ED's cannot cope with uni. ED can really affect your long term happiness.

Your mum loves you. she just wants to help. for those people who are saying she will get over it in time. SHE WON'T if she is any kind of good mother. ED are very very selfish illnesses. You are probably tearing your mother apart - consider that

I know, and I love her a lot too, which is why its so hard because I really don't want her to worry too much because she already has so many things in her life etc. But I suffered so much from my appearance before and I finally got to accept myself and kinda like myself that I am scared all those efforts are going to be ruined... Anyways, I am trying to work things out, and I think your help is actually helping me a lot so THANKS!!!
Reply 16
Anyway just eat healthy and exercise, don't be too obsessed about your weight. If you are doing things right, then maybe you just have a high metabolism. I am a guy but I am underweight, but my mum is not in the slightest bit concerned coz I actually do eat quite a lot, haha, although most of it is home-cooked i.e. I cooked it myself and try to make it decent healthy.

She says coz it's in the genes and she herself was like that when she was my age. She told me,"Don't worry you'll put on once you start work". LOLX

Summary: Eat healthy(3 meals or 5 light meals a day etc), exercise normally. If you don't put on weight, there's nothing wrong there.
Reply 17
Wow, I never thought that putting on weight could be so hard. Before, I just had to look at food to put on weight, and now I feel like I'm eating normally (not too much but not too little) and I am not putting on any weight at all! It's probably because I exercise much more though but still, do I have to eat huge amounts to put on a little weight? Is it possible that my metabolism has changed somehow or is it just because of the exercising / being used to eating little which makes me feel like I am eating enough when I am not?
Anonymous
Wow, I never thought that putting on weight could be so hard. Before, I just had to look at food to put on weight, and now I feel like I'm eating normally (not too much but not too little) and I am not putting on any weight at all! It's probably because I exercise much more though but still, do I have to eat huge amounts to put on a little weight? Is it possible that my metabolism has changed somehow or is it just because of the exercising / being used to eating little which makes me feel like I am eating enough when I am not?


My BMI is not too different from yours. I have gained weight recently, but every calorie I eat is a struggle. And I do zero exercise. There's something profoundly wrong with me.
How d'you calculate BMI?