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loftx
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#1
Actually an essay written for a writing contest by Hugh Gallagher, but I thought it was pretty funny, hopefully it hasn't been seen on here before.

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I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by Juventus, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my shed. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Burkino Faso with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby ****, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I chant Latin whilst working casually as a freelance ambassador. I perform short operas in the street to raise money for injured stunt dolphins, and regularly powerlift garden furniture for an entire afternoon.

I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a pot noodle and a small spoon.

I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling awards at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis.

But… I have not yet been to university.
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LongGone
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How old is that? I saw a slightly better version of that as an example personal statement when we did persuasive writing in English last year...
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shing_a_ding
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(Original post by loftx)
Actually an essay written for a writing contest by Hugh Gallagher, but I thought it was pretty funny, hopefully it hasn't been seen on here before.

-------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by Juventus, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my shed. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Burkino Faso with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby ****, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I chant Latin whilst working casually as a freelance ambassador. I perform short operas in the street to raise money for injured stunt dolphins, and regularly powerlift garden furniture for an entire afternoon.

I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a pot noodle and a small spoon.

I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling awards at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis.

But… I have not yet been to university.
i remember seeing that when i was doing my personal statement and i thought it was brilliant!
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chrisbphd
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I wonder if it would actually work...
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emom100
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i'd lvoe to see someone try that for real.. it'd be hilarious. Trouble is finding someone that doesn't mind jepodising their future. Shame really
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Leekey
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(Original post by emom100)
i'd lvoe to see someone try that for real.. it'd be hilarious. Trouble is finding someone that doesn't mind jepodising their future. Shame really
Or taking a gap year...
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shing_a_ding
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(Original post by emom100)
i'd lvoe to see someone try that for real.. it'd be hilarious. Trouble is finding someone that doesn't mind jepodising their future. Shame really
depends what degree they would be going for. i mean if its something like english with creative writing, admissions tutors would love it.
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