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ndd
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#1
Report Thread starter 15 years ago
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My reasoning for wanting to join college and gain an education come from strong belief that better education provides far more opportunities and advantages in life. When I lived in Michigan two years ago I was around many people that obviously never gained a real education. I’ve decided to use these people, some of them friends as real life examples showing that I need to provide an education for myself. When I do attend college I intend to take some computer programming related courses. Programming has been my dream ever since I came into meaningful contact with this latest tool that science has put into man's hands. I have decided to follow this path because I have the experience and the willpower needed to succeed at my career choice.

Although many people do not realize that computers play a major role in almost every aspect of our lives, the fact is that they do. And if computers are an essential element of our lives then computer programmers play an important role as well. In Today’s age electronics and computers provide us with many luxuries and advantages we did not have in past generations.

Three years ago I was never the type of person to be interested in something so time consuming, something that demands so much devotion. In fact I was never even interested in school. It was not until the summer of my freshman year in high school that I decided to rearranged the structure of my life. I needed to get my priorities straight. After much preaching from my parents I decided for once to try in school, to put forth a decent effort. ------ blah blah blah


thats all i got so far .. im not very good on words. do you think this statement is heading in the right direction or needs to be scraped?
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Elles
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#2
Report 15 years ago
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seems promising..i know nothing about the course you want to apply for etc. but can give my thoughts on how it reads.. NB - am intentionally being quite harsh..please don't take it personally..am trying to help!

(Original post by ndd)
My reasoning for wanting to join college and gain an education come from strong belief that better education provides far more opportunities and advantages in life.
sounds good..although is rather generic about uni in general rather than the specific course you're applying for. + can't you gain an education with vocational skills etc. maybe make it more specific - what type of education??

When I lived in Michigan two years ago I was around many people that obviously never gained a real education. I’ve decided to use these people, some of them friends as real life examples showing that I need to provide an education for myself.
This seems a little blunt.. i wasn't aware michigan as a whole was a particularly deprived area? also sounds a little insulting.. maybe it was the specific community you were exposed to rather than entire area?
'Obviously never gained' - i would reword. sounds somewhat condescending and arrogant.
'use these people' - also sound rather insulting..maybe focus more of friendship, determination to make the best of your abilities etc?

When I do attend college I intend to take some computer programming related courses. Programming has been my dream ever since I came into meaningful contact with this latest tool that science has put into man's hands. I have decided to follow this path because I have the experience and the willpower needed to succeed at my career choice.
is this statement for UCAS in the UK..? because surely you'd need to refer to your specific uni course? (if it's not UK then you can probably ignore most things i've said because i don't know much about internationals!)

when did you come into meaningful contact?
what experience do you have already? why bother going to uni then?
what is your career choice?

Although many people do not realize that computers play a major role in almost every aspect of our lives, the fact is that they do. And if computers are an essential element of our lives then computer programmers play an important role as well. In Today’s age electronics and computers provide us with many luxuries and advantages we did not have in past generations.
what roles are these..? all too vague!

Three years ago I was never the type of person to be interested in something so time consuming, something that demands so much devotion. In fact I was never even interested in school. It was not until the summer of my freshman year in high school that I decided to rearranged the structure of my life. I needed to get my priorities straight. After much preaching from my parents I decided for once to try in school, to put forth a decent effort. ------ blah blah blah
aah..you're american..sorry. if this for a US college..? hmm..i think some of my points still might stand though.

try & make this sound more positive..'preaching from parents' - makes you sound immature.. how about 'encouragement' etc. how can you proove this change..? grades improved? extra curriculars etc?


thats all i got so far .. im not very good on words. do you think this statement is heading in the right direction or needs to be scraped?
maybe you could tell us what specifically this is for..?

HTH
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blissy
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Report 15 years ago
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(Original post by ndd)

Although many people do not realize that computers play a major role in almost every aspect of our lives, the fact is that they do.
I disagree. Perhaps "people do not realize to what extent computers affect every aspect of our life". I know computers play a major roles, but I don't know exactly what they all do (e.g. bank transfers and things...)
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ndd
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#4
Report Thread starter 15 years ago
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Thank you for your help : )
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