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What's Likely To Happen In This Situation?
I'm sorry for the nature of this post and that the answer seems obvious to a third party.
I'm at University. In my first year, last October, I met a guy, also at University. I don't want to name the city for fear of being busted, but we go to Uni and live in the same city, but different Uni's in the same city, so mix in different circles.
Well, we got together a couple of weeks after we met and got on well. Things progressed, and we kind of ended up having a relationship that was primarily focussed around sex, so we aren't technically a couple. He's always been very honest in saying that he's likely to go travelling next year when he graduates and having a girlfriend isn't right for him at present. So, I knew what I was letting myself in for.
Anyway, our relationship has even surprised myself. I'm hugely cynical and dismissive of people who have these kinds of relationships as i'm terribly loyal and like sincerity. This is a quality that I found endearing about the guy in question. We behave almost like a couple, in that we genuinely care about each other and take an interest in what the other does. Neither of us have slept with anyone else during this period, and his friends, whom he spends pretty much the whole time with, and lives with, back this up. In fact, one of them took me to one side for a chat and mentioned that he'd said that he was worried about hurting me and that he talks about me alot.
The problem is this...
He's been away for four weeks on a degree-related project, so I haven't seen him. He sent me a random text messsage at 7:15 yesterday morning telling me i was "a very sweet girl", which I thought a bit peculiar, and ended the text with the following smiley, which I dont know what it means :-*
He phoned this morning to tell me that he'd like to meet me for coffee when he returns, on Tuesday, from another degree project in Portugal. Dont worry, these trips do exist- they're on the uni website!
We spoke on the phone and he told me that he was concerned that I was going to get hurt as our relationship, in his words, was turning into a relationship, and that he doesn't want to continue sleeping with me. (I'm aware that this sounds terribvle to anyone reading this). But he said that he'd like to continue seeing me as he thinks I'm "great", hence his invitation to meet me when he get's back. Now, the thing that concerns me is something else he mentioned as part of his reasoning. My elder sister died of leukaemia just over a year ago, which was difficult as she had two young sons. The guy knows how much this affected me, but also that I cope very well with it, mind, and has helped me immensely in adapting to life without her. But he said something peculiar which he claims forms his reason for wasnting to stop seeing me in that way. My Sister's husband had an affair and remarried shortly before her death and my 'friend' said that our relationship isnt too dissimilar and he's worried that i'll get hurt in that way. I was amazed by his rather elaborate depth regarding this matter, but anyway.
He claims to not want a relationship, and seems to think that I want one, and asked me what I'd do if he said he did want a relartionship. Obviously, I had to say that I dont. It's all fairly intense stuff, and I told him that I love him for the person that he is, but I dont want to be with him.
I ended the call by telling him that it was up to him as to whether he callled, and he said he'd see me Tuesday.
He sent me a text three hours later, saying: "Hope you understyand where I'm coming from. I think you're great but can't continue as we are! See u Tuesday :-*" Yes, that peculiar face popped up again. I replied with the following: "I've always understood the situation, we both know you can get someone better than 'great'! I'm cool with whatever you want. Tuesday would be nice, I'll leave it up to you x"
Thing is, I really don't want to lose him. I'm not the kind of person that has flimsy relationships. I prefer to have fewer, but fabulous friends. He's honest to a fault, and we are sincere and generally care about each other and get on. I have friends in relationships who arent as good together as me and my guy are.
Has anyone had a similar experience? What was the outcome? Or do you just have some advice?
Also, when this subject is inevitably raised on Tues, what should I say? Please bear in mind that this is an odd situation and isnt merely a case of two heartless people doing something low. He's a wonderful person, with a sincerity and personality that i've never come across before.
So sorry for the length
I'm at University. In my first year, last October, I met a guy, also at University. I don't want to name the city for fear of being busted, but we go to Uni and live in the same city, but different Uni's in the same city, so mix in different circles.
Well, we got together a couple of weeks after we met and got on well. Things progressed, and we kind of ended up having a relationship that was primarily focussed around sex, so we aren't technically a couple. He's always been very honest in saying that he's likely to go travelling next year when he graduates and having a girlfriend isn't right for him at present. So, I knew what I was letting myself in for.
Anyway, our relationship has even surprised myself. I'm hugely cynical and dismissive of people who have these kinds of relationships as i'm terribly loyal and like sincerity. This is a quality that I found endearing about the guy in question. We behave almost like a couple, in that we genuinely care about each other and take an interest in what the other does. Neither of us have slept with anyone else during this period, and his friends, whom he spends pretty much the whole time with, and lives with, back this up. In fact, one of them took me to one side for a chat and mentioned that he'd said that he was worried about hurting me and that he talks about me alot.
The problem is this...
He's been away for four weeks on a degree-related project, so I haven't seen him. He sent me a random text messsage at 7:15 yesterday morning telling me i was "a very sweet girl", which I thought a bit peculiar, and ended the text with the following smiley, which I dont know what it means :-*
He phoned this morning to tell me that he'd like to meet me for coffee when he returns, on Tuesday, from another degree project in Portugal. Dont worry, these trips do exist- they're on the uni website!
We spoke on the phone and he told me that he was concerned that I was going to get hurt as our relationship, in his words, was turning into a relationship, and that he doesn't want to continue sleeping with me. (I'm aware that this sounds terribvle to anyone reading this). But he said that he'd like to continue seeing me as he thinks I'm "great", hence his invitation to meet me when he get's back. Now, the thing that concerns me is something else he mentioned as part of his reasoning. My elder sister died of leukaemia just over a year ago, which was difficult as she had two young sons. The guy knows how much this affected me, but also that I cope very well with it, mind, and has helped me immensely in adapting to life without her. But he said something peculiar which he claims forms his reason for wasnting to stop seeing me in that way. My Sister's husband had an affair and remarried shortly before her death and my 'friend' said that our relationship isnt too dissimilar and he's worried that i'll get hurt in that way. I was amazed by his rather elaborate depth regarding this matter, but anyway.
He claims to not want a relationship, and seems to think that I want one, and asked me what I'd do if he said he did want a relartionship. Obviously, I had to say that I dont. It's all fairly intense stuff, and I told him that I love him for the person that he is, but I dont want to be with him.
I ended the call by telling him that it was up to him as to whether he callled, and he said he'd see me Tuesday.
He sent me a text three hours later, saying: "Hope you understyand where I'm coming from. I think you're great but can't continue as we are! See u Tuesday :-*" Yes, that peculiar face popped up again. I replied with the following: "I've always understood the situation, we both know you can get someone better than 'great'! I'm cool with whatever you want. Tuesday would be nice, I'll leave it up to you x"
Thing is, I really don't want to lose him. I'm not the kind of person that has flimsy relationships. I prefer to have fewer, but fabulous friends. He's honest to a fault, and we are sincere and generally care about each other and get on. I have friends in relationships who arent as good together as me and my guy are.
Has anyone had a similar experience? What was the outcome? Or do you just have some advice?
Also, when this subject is inevitably raised on Tues, what should I say? Please bear in mind that this is an odd situation and isnt merely a case of two heartless people doing something low. He's a wonderful person, with a sincerity and personality that i've never come across before.
So sorry for the length
Reply 1
Yup, it's a kiss...
So stay friends with him? Or fock buddies or whatever you would call it?
So stay friends with him? Or fock buddies or whatever you would call it?
Reply 2
Thank you for your replies, that's cleared that one up!
I'd love to stay friends with him, but I'm not naive, surely that would never happen? I just don't understand why he'd be that bothered about it, especially as he swears he hasn't met anyone (even offering to show me his phone as evidence!!??). By the way, he's four years older than me, i'm 20.
If he is telling the truth and wants to be friends, why would he even want to do that?
I'd love to stay friends with him, but I'm not naive, surely that would never happen? I just don't understand why he'd be that bothered about it, especially as he swears he hasn't met anyone (even offering to show me his phone as evidence!!??). By the way, he's four years older than me, i'm 20.
If he is telling the truth and wants to be friends, why would he even want to do that?
Reply 3
Maybe cos he really likes you as a person, seems reasonable.
I bet you're at Nottingham!
I bet you're at Nottingham!
Random guess: he might actually be wanting you to commit and say you would like a relationship. I don't know what he is like, but would he be able to go back on all this "we're not serious" and admit he does want to be with you?
If you want to be with him, tell him. The worst that can happen, is that he says he doesn't. Then you will know for sure it is over and be broken hearted for quite some time, but afterwards you can move on.
If he wants to stay with you, well then everything is ok.
If you want to be with him, tell him. The worst that can happen, is that he says he doesn't. Then you will know for sure it is over and be broken hearted for quite some time, but afterwards you can move on.
If he wants to stay with you, well then everything is ok.
Reply 5
No, we're at Oxford, except he's at the credited one! Which is kind of the problem I think, although he won't admit this!
Maybe he does, but he said "what would you say if I wanted a relationship" in a way which indicated the contrary.
I'm just finding this difficult as I can't figure why he wouldnt want to be 'ahem' buddies, and stay friends? And why he's suddenly become 'uncomfortable' with our situation? And why he;'d even bother to stay friends!
God my life sucks right now
Maybe he does, but he said "what would you say if I wanted a relationship" in a way which indicated the contrary.
I'm just finding this difficult as I can't figure why he wouldnt want to be 'ahem' buddies, and stay friends? And why he's suddenly become 'uncomfortable' with our situation? And why he;'d even bother to stay friends!
God my life sucks right now
Anonymous
Maybe he does, but he said "what would you say if I wanted a relationship" in a way which indicated the contrary.
Maybe he does, but he said "what would you say if I wanted a relationship" in a way which indicated the contrary.
Honestly, you must figure out what you want and try not to think about what he might want.
Once you know what you want (relationship? friendship? whatever) then state it, even though you might find that you will not get what you want from him.
But then you at least know where you are standing and give the whole "what do I want" thing a new thought from another angle.
Reply 7
I know you're right, I suppose I'm a bit taken aback by his sudden change of heart, yet he hasn.t even told me he doesnt want to see me anymore. I'd love him to tell me he wants more, but I'm not banking on that happening, I merely wondered if anyone else had ever had a miraculous ending and how exactly I should approach out coffee date, in terms of how I should act, what I should say etc,
Anonymous
I know you're right, I suppose I'm a bit taken aback by his sudden change of heart, yet he hasn.t even told me he doesnt want to see me anymore. I'd love him to tell me he wants more, but I'm not banking on that happening, I merely wondered if anyone else had ever had a miraculous ending and how exactly I should approach out coffee date, in terms of how I should act, what I should say etc,
Well, I think it is very hard to plan on what you want to actually say (wordwise). But even though I am repeating myself: if you know what you want, you can state it.
Maybe going through different scenarios in your head will help you find your way.
I sometimes do that when I feel threatened by a situation: go somewhere quiet, relax, conjure up the frightening situation with all consequences, live through the scare, humiliation, anger or whatever..... come back to life.
I tend to see clearer after such a "journey" and then I can start thinking about what to say, I sometimes even act out possible dialogues in my head. (I don't learn them by heart, but it is sensible to think about:"What will I say if he says so and so..")
Dressing comfortably will help on the day of the meeting.
Reply 9
Sounds like your not standing up for your self. the impression I get from your post is one of 'whatever you want, that's fine' If it was fine you wouldn't be bothered about it enough to post on here.
Tell him what you want, sounds like he wants it too really, just doesn't want to admit it. Much like yourself.
Tell him what you want, sounds like he wants it too really, just doesn't want to admit it. Much like yourself.
Reply 10
lolly83
Sounds like your not standing up for your self. the impression I get from your post is one of 'whatever you want, that's fine' If it was fine you wouldn't be bothered about it enough to post on here.
Tell him what you want, sounds like he wants it too really, just doesn't want to admit it. Much like yourself.
Tell him what you want, sounds like he wants it too really, just doesn't want to admit it. Much like yourself.
That's what I'd like. The main reason for my concern is that when i jokingly said "why cant i see you, have you gone off me?" when he said he wasnt free as he had rugby training, he replied "no quite the opposite". Then he went on about how he was uncomfortable with our arrangement and thast he's concerned its develkoping into a relationship. Maybe that will change your minds on the matter, but i just dont get why he wants to be friends and is making such a fuss about us???
Reply 13
It seems as though he's fighting the temptation to begin a relationship with you.
It just seems like he likes you a lot, hence the wanting to still see you, but for some reason is trying not to succumb to his wanting to be with you? Maybe i read into things too much.
Have you ever asked him if he's seen other people since you've been seeing him?
It just seems like he likes you a lot, hence the wanting to still see you, but for some reason is trying not to succumb to his wanting to be with you? Maybe i read into things too much.
Have you ever asked him if he's seen other people since you've been seeing him?
Reply 14
I just met up with him and he mentioned nothing about 'our situation'. I couldnt bring it up. We talked, and really had a laugh. It really was like we were good friends who'd known each other for years. Me and my friends are going to a club tomorrow night, which is the main student night in Oxford, and he mentioned that he and his friends may be going but he'd have to ''see if they were up for it cos i need the male support''.
He told me to call him, basically as I would one of my girlfriend if i wanted to see them.
What on earth's going on?? but do we really need to talk about 'the situation'?
What do I do from here?
He told me to call him, basically as I would one of my girlfriend if i wanted to see them.
What on earth's going on?? but do we really need to talk about 'the situation'?
What do I do from here?
Reply 15
Oh my God I sound like an idiot. But my quenstion still remains! I can't think straight when it comes to this issue, and need some impartial advice.!!!
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