Are long distance relationships worth a try? Watch

Anonymous #1
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I'm 19, my boyfriend is 20. We've been together for two years and have a very strong relationship. He's in his second year at Cardiff Uni and I only live a 15 minute train journey or 30 minute car ride away.

However, I'm about to send off my UCAS application. I had always seen myself as attending University at least an hour away from home but now I feel as though I should go to Cardiff.

Don't get me wrong, I would be very happy at Cardiff university - I love the city and the course I'm applying to looks good. But I still can't help but feel as though I'm missing out by staying so close to home. I'm only applying to universities about an hour away from home, even though I'd love to apply to universities in Brighton, London etc., and even that's not good enough for my boyfriend - if I even mention going to a university other than Cardiff (even ones less than an hour away) he gets upset and seems to think that this means that I don't love him enough/don't want to be with him enough. I want to be close to him just as much as he wants it be he won't even let me mention it.

Of course, part of me wants to stay in Cardiff just as much as my boyfriend wants me to. I love him and if I went away I'm sure it would affect my studies for at least some of the time while at University. I also don't want it to affect our relationship. I know that people will say that we will probably break up eventually even if I stay close, but I don't want to risk it by moving far away. We have a very strong relationship but I'm sure even the strongest relationships can be challenged by distance - last year was his first year at Cardiff and, despite the short distance, even that affected our relationship to begin with (though I was struggling with some other issues at the time, too). Moving to university is a huge change and I'm sure it will be made 1000 times worse with a huge amount of distance between us.

I have quite a good chance of getting into Bristol university and I'm worried that even if I get an offer I'll have to accept Cardiff as my first rather than my second choice. I don't want to spend my life regretting not going to a better uni or going further afield, yet I also don't want to regret ruining my relationship just because I wanted to go to a different university where I ultimately probably would have had a pretty similar experience.


Does anyone have any advice? Are long-distance relationships even worth attempting?
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username1495504
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As long as you are in the same country they are fine
You need to trust your partner too, obviously.

International ones are a lot harder and most don't work out in the end.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Strawberry68)
As long as you are in the same country they are fine
You need to trust your partner too, obviously.

International ones are a lot harder and most don't work out in the end.
So having 4 hours between us will make no difference whatsoever? It may not be a 4 hour plane journey but it's still going to have a massive influence.
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happysmile
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Hey there, if you consider your relationship with your boyfriend to be strong, then think about going to different universities as a challenge, like ones which you'll both have to inevitably face in any relationship; please don't decide which uni you want to go to based solely on where your boyfriend's going - as long as you trust each other, it'll work out (:


(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm 19, my boyfriend is 20. We've been together for two years and have a very strong relationship. He's in his second year at Cardiff Uni and I only live a 15 minute train journey or 30 minute car ride away.

However, I'm about to send off my UCAS application. I had always seen myself as attending University at least an hour away from home but now I feel as though I should go to Cardiff.

Don't get me wrong, I would be very happy at Cardiff university - I love the city and the course I'm applying to looks good. But I still can't help but feel as though I'm missing out by staying so close to home. I'm only applying to universities about an hour away from home, even though I'd love to apply to universities in Brighton, London etc., and even that's not good enough for my boyfriend - if I even mention going to a university other than Cardiff (even ones less than an hour away) he gets upset and seems to think that this means that I don't love him enough/don't want to be with him enough. I want to be close to him just as much as he wants it be he won't even let me mention it.

Of course, part of me wants to stay in Cardiff just as much as my boyfriend wants me to. I love him and if I went away I'm sure it would affect my studies for at least some of the time while at University. I also don't want it to affect our relationship. I know that people will say that we will probably break up eventually even if I stay close, but I don't want to risk it by moving far away. We have a very strong relationship but I'm sure even the strongest relationships can be challenged by distance - last year was his first year at Cardiff and, despite the short distance, even that affected our relationship to begin with (though I was struggling with some other issues at the time, too). Moving to university is a huge change and I'm sure it will be made 1000 times worse with a huge amount of distance between us.

I have quite a good chance of getting into Bristol university and I'm worried that even if I get an offer I'll have to accept Cardiff as my first rather than my second choice. I don't want to spend my life regretting not going to a better uni or going further afield, yet I also don't want to regret ruining my relationship just because I wanted to go to a different university where I ultimately probably would have had a pretty similar experience.


Does anyone have any advice? Are long-distance relationships even worth attempting?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by happysmile)
Hey there, if you consider your relationship with your boyfriend to be strong, then think about going to different universities as a challenge, like ones which you'll both have to inevitably face in any relationship; please don't decide which uni you want to go to based solely on where your boyfriend's going - as long as you trust each other, it'll work out (:
Thanks - any advice on how to approach the subject with him?
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BlueSheep32
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If you think it would be worth a try, then go for it. I know you've said not to say you'll probably break up eventually, but you have to accept that it is a possibility, and if it did happen, you don't want to regret choosing your university just to stay near to your boyfriend. Your relationship may not last forever, but once you have your degree you will have it forever, and it's important that you choose the one that's right for you and that you think you'll do well in. If your relationship is going to work out in the long term, you'll be able to make it work across the distance, and if it isn't, then it won't work out regardless of how close you are. You just have to make sure you communicate with each other and trust each other in a long distance relationship. It will be difficult, and you will miss each other, but you'll easily find ways to keep yourself busy at uni and pass the time between visits.

Don't let him put you under pressure to choose Cardiff just to be close to him. You following your dreams shouldn't be something that affects your relationship badly - he should be supportive of you doing what you want to do. If you did go away, you'd be away for 3-4 years I'm guessing, which isn't a long time if you're going to be together in the long term. An hour away is really not far, that's the distance currently between me & my boyfriend (although he isn't studying anymore) and we manage to see each other pretty much every weekend. Yeah I really miss him during the week, but the time together feels a lot more precious and special than it did before, when he was at uni with me, and the time flies by between visits. Saying goodbye is hard but it always has been for me, even when he was 20 minutes' walk away!

So my advice is: choose the university that you want to go to the most, and if your relationship is meant to work out it will. LDRs are hard but definitely well worth attempting if you love the person but if you feel it's getting too difficult and you're finding missing him overwhelming and it's affecting your studies, you need to think about whether you are happy to be in the relationship.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by BlueSheep32)
If you think it would be worth a try, then go for it. I know you've said not to say you'll probably break up eventually, but you have to accept that it is a possibility, and if it did happen, you don't want to regret choosing your university just to stay near to your boyfriend. Your relationship may not last forever, but once you have your degree you will have it forever, and it's important that you choose the one that's right for you and that you think you'll do well in. If your relationship is going to work out in the long term, you'll be able to make it work across the distance, and if it isn't, then it won't work out regardless of how close you are. You just have to make sure you communicate with each other and trust each other in a long distance relationship. It will be difficult, and you will miss each other, but you'll easily find ways to keep yourself busy at uni and pass the time between visits.

Don't let him put you under pressure to choose Cardiff just to be close to him. You following your dreams shouldn't be something that affects your relationship badly - he should be supportive of you doing what you want to do. If you did go away, you'd be away for 3-4 years I'm guessing, which isn't a long time if you're going to be together in the long term. An hour away is really not far, that's the distance currently between me & my boyfriend (although he isn't studying anymore) and we manage to see each other pretty much every weekend. Yeah I really miss him during the week, but the time together feels a lot more precious and special than it did before, when he was at uni with me, and the time flies by between visits. Saying goodbye is hard but it always has been for me, even when he was 20 minutes' walk away!

So my advice is: choose the university that you want to go to the most, and if your relationship is meant to work out it will. LDRs are hard but definitely well worth attempting if you love the person but if you feel it's getting too difficult and you're finding missing him overwhelming and it's affecting your studies, you need to think about whether you are happy to be in the relationship.
Thanks for your opinion, it's really cleared some things up for me. I understand one hour isn't a lot but he doesn't even want to think about it. As someone with experience, do you have any tips on how to really make an LDR work?
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LavenderBlueSky88
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Definitely do not change what uni you want to go to because of your boyfriend. He sounds quite immature trying to emotionally blackmail you like that, which is the only indication I get that he might not be able to handle an LDR. Go where YOU want to, and if it doesn't work out then he wasn't the right guy for you.

I'm in a similar position at the moment, having just been offered a job 2.5 hours from where my boyfriend lives. He has told me that it would be stupid for me to turn it down in favour of something nearer to him because at the end of the day my career is more important, which I agree with. The distance is only temporary and you'd still be close in holidays.
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BlueSheep32
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your opinion, it's really cleared some things up for me. I understand one hour isn't a lot but he doesn't even want to think about it. As someone with experience, do you have any tips on how to really make an LDR work?
Why doesn't he want to think about it? Does he think it would be too difficult? Because with these things, you never know unless you try. If you try and it doesn't work out you can give up on it and move on with your lives, if you try and it does work out he'll wonder why you even thought about not giving it a go.

I'd say communication is key, make sure you text/Skype/whatever as much as you want to/have time for. If you're a couple that's usually in constant communication when you're close together keep that up while you're away. Send each other little things to let the other know you're thinking about them - for me even my boyfriend just sending me a link to something he saw on the internet that made him think of me is enough. Make sure you make time to see each other at fairly regular intervals. You have to be willing to put the effort in, but if you want to be with each other enough it's worth it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LavenderBlueSky88)
Definitely do not change what uni you want to go to because of your boyfriend. He sounds quite immature trying to emotionally blackmail you like that, which is the only indication I get that he might not be able to handle an LDR. Go where YOU want to, and if it doesn't work out then he wasn't the right guy for you.

I'm in a similar position at the moment, having just been offered a job 2.5 hours from where my boyfriend lives. He has told me that it would be stupid for me to turn it down in favour of something nearer to him because at the end of the day my career is more important, which I agree with. The distance is only temporary and you'd still be close in holidays.
I understand that it may sound like emotional blackmail from the way I've described it but we really struggled last year when he went to Uni so I think he just wants to prevent that from happening again - he in no way would ever want to hold me back from achieving anything I want to. He's currently studying Geology so at some point, if we're still together, his job is going to require him to be in a different country for months at a time and he seems fine about that whenever we talk about it.

Last year I really struggled with adjusting to him being at Uni and, as I was having other issues, it really effected our relationship. We've only just noticed the difference it actually made so I think it's still very fresh in his mind and worrying him.
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Plumstone
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The fact that your boyfriend is trying to keep you in Cardiff is concerning from my point of view. It does come across as rather needy/controlling/immature and I think he needs someone to explain to him that he needs to put your studies first.

I can't stress enough how important it is for you to choose your university purely based on the university itself: the campus, the city, the course, etc. You will remember this experience for the rest of your life and you owe it to yourself to enjoy it as much as you possibly can. You've already said that you want to study somewhere further away from home ("I'd love to apply to universities in Brighton, London, etc") and if you stay in Cardiff and then the worst happens and your relationship ends, how will you feel knowing that you missed out on that opportunity?

Yes, long distance relationships can be painful, difficult, stressful and challenging, but a strong relationship can make it through.

I've been long distance for nearly four years and we're going to move in together next summer. I've had to travel 1-4 hours to see my boyfriend, I've sometimes gone two months without seeing him at all. Yes, it sucks to be apart, but it does give you a sense of strength to know that you've been through that and come out together on the other side.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it, but even more than that, you need to think about whether you're really prepared to give up the chance of your ideal university years for a boyfriend who frankly seems quite self-interested ("he gets upset and seems to think that this means that I don't love him enough/don't want to be with him enough").
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by BlueSheep32)
Why doesn't he want to think about it? Does he think it would be too difficult? Because with these things, you never know unless you try. If you try and it doesn't work out you can give up on it and move on with your lives, if you try and it does work out he'll wonder why you even thought about not giving it a go.

I'd say communication is key, make sure you text/Skype/whatever as much as you want to/have time for. If you're a couple that's usually in constant communication when you're close together keep that up while you're away. Send each other little things to let the other know you're thinking about them - for me even my boyfriend just sending me a link to something he saw on the internet that made him think of me is enough. Make sure you make time to see each other at fairly regular intervals. You have to be willing to put the effort in, but if you want to be with each other enough it's worth it.
Yes, I think he thinks it will be too difficult. Luckily all those things you've suggested we already do every day! I definitely think I'm going to talk to him about it, thank you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Plumstone)
The fact that your boyfriend is trying to keep you in Cardiff is concerning from my point of view. It does come across as rather needy/controlling/immature and I think he needs someone to explain to him that he needs to put your studies first.

I can't stress enough how important it is for you to choose your university purely based on the university itself: the campus, the city, the course, etc. You will remember this experience for the rest of your life and you owe it to yourself to enjoy it as much as you possibly can. You've already said that you want to study somewhere further away from home ("I'd love to apply to universities in Brighton, London, etc") and if you stay in Cardiff and then the worst happens and your relationship ends, how will you feel knowing that you missed out on that opportunity?

Yes, long distance relationships can be painful, difficult, stressful and challenging, but a strong relationship can make it through.

I've been long distance for nearly four years and we're going to move in together next summer. I've had to travel 1-4 hours to see my boyfriend, I've sometimes gone two months without seeing him at all. Yes, it sucks to be apart, but it does give you a sense of strength to know that you've been through that and come out together on the other side.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it, but even more than that, you need to think about whether you're really prepared to give up the chance of your ideal university years for a boyfriend who frankly seems quite self-interested ("he gets upset and seems to think that this means that I don't love him enough/don't want to be with him enough").
I understand that. I do love Cardiff and even if it wasn't for my boyfriend I would be applying there as my second choice, but it wouldn't be my first. I think I've portrayed him rather unfairly - he's the least self-interested person I've ever met. He's always putting everyone else's need before his own, especially mine, I think he's just worried about how this could effect our relationship. I think he just has the impression that LDRs never work out and that it would basically be the end of us straight away.
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purplelamp
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I had to travel 6 hours to meet my boyfriend for the past year, we were only together for 4 months when we went long distance- the fact you have been together for 2 years is even better! It is challenging and there are tough times but you just have to stick together and battle through it- if you don't make it through then it wasn't meant to be.
The one thing I say is to do what you want to do. You don't want to end up regretting it- or resenting him if he made you go to Cardiff. I chose a university closer to my boyfriend (so we're close distance now) but I chose it because I love the course and the city, it just happened to be close to him.

Don't feel pressured into going there, and good luck with whatever you decide to do
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm 19, my boyfriend is 20. We've been together for two years and have a very strong relationship. He's in his second year at Cardiff Uni and I only live a 15 minute train journey or 30 minute car ride away.

However, I'm about to send off my UCAS application. I had always seen myself as attending University at least an hour away from home but now I feel as though I should go to Cardiff.

Don't get me wrong, I would be very happy at Cardiff university - I love the city and the course I'm applying to looks good. But I still can't help but feel as though I'm missing out by staying so close to home. I'm only applying to universities about an hour away from home, even though I'd love to apply to universities in Brighton, London etc., and even that's not good enough for my boyfriend - if I even mention going to a university other than Cardiff (even ones less than an hour away) he gets upset and seems to think that this means that I don't love him enough/don't want to be with him enough. I want to be close to him just as much as he wants it be he won't even let me mention it.

Of course, part of me wants to stay in Cardiff just as much as my boyfriend wants me to. I love him and if I went away I'm sure it would affect my studies for at least some of the time while at University. I also don't want it to affect our relationship. I know that people will say that we will probably break up eventually even if I stay close, but I don't want to risk it by moving far away. We have a very strong relationship but I'm sure even the strongest relationships can be challenged by distance - last year was his first year at Cardiff and, despite the short distance, even that affected our relationship to begin with (though I was struggling with some other issues at the time, too). Moving to university is a huge change and I'm sure it will be made 1000 times worse with a huge amount of distance between us.

I have quite a good chance of getting into Bristol university and I'm worried that even if I get an offer I'll have to accept Cardiff as my first rather than my second choice. I don't want to spend my life regretting not going to a better uni or going further afield, yet I also don't want to regret ruining my relationship just because I wanted to go to a different university where I ultimately probably would have had a pretty similar experience.


Does anyone have any advice? Are long-distance relationships even worth attempting?
Hi, I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and i'm 17 and she's 19 at Leeds university. I still live in London so it takes around 2 hours and a bit more to get there. LDR can definitely work you just need to keep communicating and you'll be fine!
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dawn94
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Absolutely, always worth a try if you both want it enough. Go to the uni YOU want to.
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Pennyarcade
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Most LDRs dont work. End it now and enjoy university, youll regret it later in life if you dont.
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Larry31
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Don't know if it helps at all, but my boyfriend and I got together just a month before going off to uni last year and we've actually managed to keep a fulfilling relationship going for over a year now despite me being in York and him in Bournemouth which is obviously a pretty considerable distance. It is hard, probably one of the hardest thing I've ever done, but if you really trust each other and have the determination to keep things going then you can definitely make it work
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Pennyarcade)
Most LDRs dont work. End it now and enjoy university, youll regret it later in life if you dont.
I know, that's what's worrying me, but I also don't want to just give up on my relationship :confused:



Thanks for all the positive comments, guys! I think I may just need to bite the bullet and force him to talk to me about it.
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username1495504
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So having 4 hours between us will make no difference whatsoever? It may not be a 4 hour plane journey but it's still going to have a massive influence.
But you don't have to pay £1000 a go for plane tickets do you.
I didn't say it would make no difference. If you are too weak emotionally to handle a 4 hour distance you should break up.
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