Should I contact her??

Over the summer I worked as an assistant at my university’s summer school program. On the first night of the schools I got chatting to a Californian girl. She was beautiful, intelligent and seemed to have a great personality. I and a few people ended up back at my room drinking wine ‘till the early hours talking. All the others left but her, and we chatted for another half hour or so about our lives in the UK and US. I really fancied her, but was a little worried about my professionalism, as we’d been warned by program directors not to form romantic attachments with students. She also mentioned a long-term boyfriend back home. The next day and for several days thereafter I’d lie on the lawns outside of college reading and she’d come and sit with me, talking but not flirting (at least not overtly).

We spent a good amount of our free time together over that week. On the Wednesday of the next week we went clubbing and spent the whole night talking and dancing. I picked up on flirting but the bf issue remained at the back of my mind. We walked back to my own college for a look around the grounds before heading back to our summer schools accommodation. The mood was perfect to kiss her, but I refrained. We headed to our respective rooms after a quick peck on the cheek. The next night we met in the bar after dinner. We decided to go out again, as most other people were. Just as we left college she whispered in my ear that she really enjoyed the previous night and smiled. We ended up kissing, heading back and making out; although no sex was involved.

The next week she’d often come down to my room and we’d cuddle and kiss and we spent all our free time together. One afternoon we went for a walk in the country to a nearby village and had drinks at a touristy pub. We got back for dinner and headed to the bar. Leaving at 11, though not drunk, we went up to my room. After the usual heavy petting, we had sex. The next day she came down to my room crying, saying she’d been on the phone to her bf, although she didn’t tell me exactly what had been said. I comforted her, telling her she was not a bad person. We had sex again over the coming days and grew closer.

After about another week, we went out for a meal, as her course in England was coming to a close. We spent time by the river with friends after the meal, walked for a while and stopped by the banks. She told me she loved me- I did the same. We exchanged numbers and she left a few days later. I saw her off early in the morning at the coach station and we promised to contact each other. I immediately went and sent her some copies of essays she wanted and she emailed a couple of days later about how she missed England and wanted to return. I left it a few days before contacting her, assuming she’d be happy to acclimatize back to LA life. Then on the day I was planning to ring, I got an email explaining how she’d had the worst day of her life. Not only was she pissed off I’d not emailed, she’d also been called horrible things by her bf and his friends. I rang straight away and she sounded so miserable. She cried a little and I assured her I would come to visit at the end of the month. She said she loved me and we talked and laughed for a good hour.

Two days down the line I get an email saying we need to talk. She’d deleted me from her facebook friends and pictures, so it didn’t look good. I rang and she told me she couldn’t see me again. She said she felt ashamed and didn’t want to found our relationship on lies and hurting another person. Her bf had apparently been vile to her and swore he would never speak to her again. She said she hoped our paths crossed in the future but that she had to redeem her self respect and so forth. She was very teary and said goodbye. I assumed this to mean she wanted a break from me and that I should avoid contacting her. I have not spoken or written to her in over a month.

Now is about the time she will be receiving her paper results from the summer schools and fall semester will be fully under way. I really don’t know if contacting her is the right thing to do. The way things happened seemed so abrupt, and she certainly seemed under duress from friends and her bf. But then she has all of my contact info and could easily have dropped me a line if she wanted to get in touch. My friends have mixed feelings and I was wondering if anyone had similar experiences or advice on how to play this one.

Reply 1

britishseapower

to be honest, I think she was just using you

Reply 2

britishseapower

from the way she just kinda dropped you when she finished her course and moved back to America and the fact you pointed out she could have contacted you but hasn't, makes me think she is messing you around, I could be wrong but thats my impression

Reply 3

username47781

I'd leave it as the others have said it sounds as if she was using you, she should not have made a move on you since she had a boyfriend already.

Reply 4

Saima46

Don't know if she was using you as it all sounds genuine tears etc, but could you be a in a relationship with her knowing that she cheated on her long term boyfriend and could easily do that to you too?

Reply 5

Sasuke!

not being rude or anything i think she was using you, did you pay for all the meals etc when you went out and your emailling her essays????

Reply 6

britishseapower

she lives in America as well so I would just forget about her and if you really want, your best just waiting for her to contact you if she wants to otherwise your just gonna look a bit desperate if your contacting her all the time

Reply 7

Wanda96

which uni are u at? Maybe there are exchange programmes to the US.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

I'm hoping to study in the US next year anyway. I'm curently doing my MPhil and am applying for various PhDs- Stanford (CA), Duke (NC) and Northwestern (IL). Getting into the former would be great. Trouble is, just as I go over there, she wants to start at my university (if she gets in).

As for being used; I don't feel used. I had a wonderful summer. We shared the cost of almost everything. Also, I can't see what she'd be using me for. Surely not sex, as she had a longterm bf back in LA and was only away for four weeks. Not money as I am skint. Status of bedding a summer schools staff member? Since her friends were very critical of her for cheating, I don't think this is the case either.

Instead, I think we did have something. If I got in contact I'm not sure how to phrase things though.

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