Do relationships work if the girl is highly educated compared to the guy? Watch

Snugglebunny
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My bf and I have very different goals and aspirations career wise. I am in my first year of uni as a dental student and he is currently a waiter, at formal events e.g weddings etc. He has no plans of changing this, he is happy to do this forever. We're both the same age and recently my uni work load has increased so much i am constantly studying, stressing and trying to finish all the work i have on time. And like any other student i find it very helpful when i study with someone else or in a group and i've done this twice (studied with a girl colleague) . So this evening we got into a big argument about this, he said i'm cheating on him when i go over there to the halls, and that i'm pretending to have so much work. So i said to him 'Don't compare your studies of balancing 3 plates on your hand with my studies in dentistry' ....i know this is harsh but i was so furious, i've had enough of him calling me a liar all the time and thinking that uni is so easy. And im not talking about UK uni, ive already finished a degree in the Uk. Im studying abroad which i have to say is much much harder, we get tons of homework all the time. We get told on Monday that we need to learn ALL the muscles of the body for the following day , literally it's that intense, i don't even have time to pee!
Was i unfair for saying this to him?

I know i should apologize but i just don't feel like it right now, he thinks i'm learning poems at uni.
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Awesome-o
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Wouldn't worry about being the breadwinner. You'll have likely gone through another 2 or 3 relationships by the time you start earning.
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ilem
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I don't think that a huge income disparity makes for successful relationships. Certainly couldn't be with a girl who was content being a cashier her entire life.
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kunoichi
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I think relationships work best if both people are relatively equal in intellect.

I'll also point out many people working in minimum wage jobs are very intelligent and that you don't necessarily have to have the same level of job to be on the same mental level as someone else.
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Snugglebunny
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(Original post by ilem)
I don't think that a huge income disparity makes for successful relationships. Certainly couldn't be with a girl who was content being a cashier her entire life.
I asked this because i have heard people say that men don't feel as 'masculine' if their woman earns more, and i was just curious if this is true, is the male psyche affected by these things?
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Eboracum
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(Original post by Snugglebunny)
My bf and I have very different goals and aspirations career wise. I am in my first year of uni as a dental student and he is currently a waiter, at formal events e.g weddings etc. He has no plans of changing this, he is happy to do this forever. We're both the same age and recently my uni work load has increased so much i am constantly studying, stressing and trying to finish all the work i have on time. And like any other student i find it very helpful when i study with someone else or in a group and i've done this twice (studied with a girl colleague) . So this evening we got into a big argument about this, he said i'm cheating on him when i go over there to the halls, and that i'm pretending to have so much work. So i said to him 'Don't compare your studies of balancing 3 plates on your hand with my studies in dentistry' ....i know this is harsh but i was so furious, i've had enough of him calling me a liar all the time and thinking that uni is so easy. And im not talking about UK uni, ive already finished a degree in the Uk. Im studying abroad which i have to say is much much harder, we get tons of homework all the time. We get told on Monday that we need to learn ALL the muscles of the body for the following day , literally it's that intense, i don't even have time to pee!
Was i unfair for saying this to him?
Do relationships work if women are the breadwinner?
I know i should apologize but i just don't feel like it right now, he thinks i'm learning poems at uni.
My initial thought was to read this and criticise you, but I can only be honest, I'd want somebody who was ambitious. It wouldn't have to be university, because you can build a career without that, but I can understand your frustrations, particularly if you are an ambitious career woman.

If I was him, I'd view dating you as a challenge. I'd see you at university and probably want a piece of the intellectual pie myself. But if he's content with being a waiter, it might just be that a quality you look for in a man is ambition, something he's lacking. That's all. You might be looking for different things in a partner. If I had a girlfriend and she wanted to be a waiter for the rest of her life I'd have to question that and think about is this the right person for me.
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Freudian Slip
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(Original post by kunoichi)
I think relationships work best if both people are relatively equal in intellect.

I'll also point out many people working in minimum wage jobs are very intelligent and that you don't necessarily have to have the same level of job to be on the same mental level as someone else.
IDK how other people haven't picked up on this, 'cause that's exactly what I would've said. :grin:
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Snugglebunny
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(Original post by Eboracum)
My initial thought was to read this and criticise you, but I can only be honest, I'd want somebody who was ambitious. It wouldn't have to be university, because you can build a career without that, but I can understand your frustrations, particularly if you are an ambitious career woman.

If I was him, I'd view dating you as a challenge. I'd see you at university and probably want a piece of the intellectual pie myself. But if he's content with being a waiter, it might just be that a quality you look for in a man is ambition, something he's lacking. That's all. You might be looking for different things in a partner. If I had a girlfriend and she wanted to be a waiter for the rest of her life I'd have to question that and think about is this the right person for me.
That's also a problem, he does lack ambition and i've tried to motivate him because i think he has potential, but he just isn't bothered. The least i ask of him is to understand my situation. He thinks i'm neglecting him when in fact i am just busy studying. I try my best to see him. When i study with colleges he thinks i'm out cheating. And i'm honestly not. Its just constant accusing me of lying and wouldn't believe a word i say. So today i just had enough and said it. I would have never said anything like that otherwise, i never wanted to make him feel inadequate.
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ilem
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(Original post by Snugglebunny)
I asked this because i have heard people say that men don't feel as 'masculine' if their woman earns more, and i was just curious if this is true, is the male psyche affected by these things?
Some do some don't, depends on how much they value being traditionally masculine. For me it's not about 'masculinity' but rather about being able to do so much better than someone working for minimum wage.
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ByronicHero
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People want different things in life. Everyone has their own motivations and their own path to follow. You have to decide if his trajectory is likely to lead somewhere you will be happy for him to be.

My ex (GF of several years) broke up with me in no small part because she couldn't deal with the fact that I had no motivation to do anything useful.

It hurt her to have to be with someone self-destructive so she made the right decision.

If you don't think he can make you happy anymore then what is the point. Life is short, and youth is usually even shorter. Don't waste it chasing the echo of some remembered joy.
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umimstuck
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(Original post by Snugglebunny)
My bf and I have very different goals and aspirations career wise. I am in my first year of uni as a dental student and he is currently a waiter, at formal events e.g weddings etc. He has no plans of changing this, he is happy to do this forever. We're both the same age and recently my uni work load has increased so much i am constantly studying, stressing and trying to finish all the work i have on time. And like any other student i find it very helpful when i study with someone else or in a group and i've done this twice (studied with a girl colleague) . So this evening we got into a big argument about this, he said i'm cheating on him when i go over there to the halls, and that i'm pretending to have so much work. So i said to him 'Don't compare your studies of balancing 3 plates on your hand with my studies in dentistry' ....i know this is harsh but i was so furious, i've had enough of him calling me a liar all the time and thinking that uni is so easy. And im not talking about UK uni, ive already finished a degree in the Uk. Im studying abroad which i have to say is much much harder, we get tons of homework all the time. We get told on Monday that we need to learn ALL the muscles of the body for the following day , literally it's that intense, i don't even have time to pee!
Was i unfair for saying this to him?
Do relationships work if women are the breadwinner?
I know i should apologize but i just don't feel like it right now, he thinks i'm learning poems at uni.
haha learning poems :P talk to him about your goals and that you will be having more intense work to do and that you'd want him to support you and then see how he feels about it, if he still thinks you're cheating then is it worth staying in a relationship that could maybe hold you back in the long run
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nohomo
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(Original post by ilem)
Some do some don't, depends on how much they value being traditionally masculine. For me it's not about 'masculinity' but rather about being able to do so much better than someone working for minimum wage.
That's a bit naughty to say that. Have you seen some of the munters in medical schools (not that they're all like that)? Isn't it better to look at the whole package?
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ilem
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(Original post by nohomo)
That's a bit naughty to say that. Have you seen some of the munters in medical schools? Isn't it better to look at the whole package?
Zero ambition is as much a dealbreaker as being a munter is.
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Eboracum
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(Original post by Snugglebunny)
That's also a problem, he does lack ambition and i've tried to motivate him because i think he has potential, but he just isn't bothered. The least i ask of him is to understand my situation. He thinks i'm neglecting him when in fact i am just busy studying. I try my best to see him. When i study with colleges he thinks i'm out cheating. And i'm honestly not. Its just constant accusing me of lying and wouldn't believe a word i say. So today i just had enough and said it. I would have never said anything like that otherwise, i never wanted to make him feel inadequate.
Is it more the lack of ambition or his attitude to your studies? I mean if he understood the situation but was content with being a waiter would you be happy with that?
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nohomo
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(Original post by ilem)
Zero ambition is as much a dealbreaker as being a munter is.
What if they have non financial ambitions?
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ilem
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(Original post by nohomo)
What if they have non financial ambitions?
What sort of ambitions would they have in that case? Generally ambition is strongly correlated with a higher income, though obviously not in every case.
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nohomo
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(Original post by ilem)
What sort of ambitions would they have in that case? Generally ambition is strongly correlated with a higher income, though obviously not in every case.
Fitness, hobbies, friendships, happiness, studying what interests them
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ilem
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(Original post by nohomo)
Fitness, hobbies, friendships, happiness, studying what interests them
So in other words living a life of leisure while the man brings in the money. Would take a pass on that.
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Snugglebunny
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(Original post by Eboracum)
Is it more the lack of ambition or his attitude to your studies? I mean if he understood the situation but was content with being a waiter would you be happy with that?
Yes if he at least showed some empathy, some understanding towards my situation. I barely get any sleep, i even had to go into uni today they ran classes because our group started later so we have to make up for lost time, i don't have weekends or any spare time. He asked me to come to his place today, but i have so much work to finish for next week, i don't want to fall behind because we have exams soon. And he just got mad and upset about the fact that i dont want to spend the whole day at his doing nothing? How can i do nothing all day when i know i have about 5 pieces of work to complete for next week? He has no such worries, and he doesn't worry for me either, he thinks studying takes 1 hour. And yes i think if he had more ambition he would understand me better tbh.
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nohomo
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(Original post by ilem)
So in other words living a life of leisure while the man brings in the money. Would take a pass on that.
I can see your point about that being unfair. I believe quite strongly that people should marry people on the same income level.

This is a matter of fairness, not some natural order of superiority. You're not better necessarily because you earn more. I'll grant there might be a correlation between attributes like drive and income level.
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