Thoughts on this poem. Watch

ThePoet
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#1
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#1
We the people lack the potency to instil modesty
Infatuated with idol Gods
Whilst the omnipotent God is robbed of his superiority
The Lord intentionally gave us free will in order to act responsibly
So who you choose to worship is entirely voluntary
I write for the people - regardless of religion or ideology
It was never my responsibility to fulfil prophecy
Contrary to belief - our world is overflowing with toxicity
Hate radiates from the bacteria which is causing hostility
Politicians infect the masses with nothing but stupidity
Doctors prescribe pills which eventually increase delinquency
Some people are alive but they may as well be dead
Organs functioning exquisitely
Yet their brain's aren't working efficiently
Blame it on the fluoride in your tap water which eradicates brain cells
Hitler used the same method on the Jewish people in case they rebelled
America's a fascist nation built upon slavery and oppression
Genocide suppressed the Indian's - condescending colonialism
Young children born to mothers - embedded in the cycle of drugs
It's an inevitability that these souls grow up to be thugs
Surrounded by emptiness - these children build their own paths
Selling cocaine on street corners instead of going to class
Now do the math - the system is designed to segregate the white and the blacks
Racism harvested by poisonous men who wish to distract
Corporations launder billions whilst the people fight for the scraps
Earth is comprised of heaven and hell
A theatre where angels and demons perform
You have the power to decide which one deserves an encore
Devils were once angels who defied the Lord
Fraudulent entities embroiled in a spiritual war
Proletarianism, infested, anti-altruistic, deceptive
A few words to describe the system which is being molested
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omgimnaomi
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#2
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#2
wow
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DErasmus
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#3
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doesnt have the wow factor sorry feels a bit like a list

you should say more using less words
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ThePoet
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#4
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Appreciate both your comments.
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Harvey Dent
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#5
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Bacteria causing hostility? Pills leading to delinquency? This is one big steaming pile of self-important gibberish.
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ThePoet
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(Original post by Harvey Dent)
Bacteria causing hostility? Pills leading to delinquency? This is one big steaming pile of self-important gibberish.

Hate radiates from the bacteria which is causing hostility
"Hate is spreading like the bacteria which radiates at the central point of infection. The immune system is at war with the bacteria, in this case hate, and it is fighting it off. Hence the hostility."

Politicians infect the masses with nothing but stupidity
"Politicians are the bacteria - causing infection amongst the masses due to their misleading propaganda."

Doctors prescribe pills which eventually increase delinquency
"Bipolar prescriptions are thought to cause mental slowness."



Hope that helps slightly.
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Yeah dude
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Why is it always America in the firing line? Awesome poem btw


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omgimnaomi
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I genuinely like it...Very talented
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ThePoet
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#9
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(Original post by Yeah dude)
Why is it always America in the firing line? Awesome poem btw


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Possibly because they're responsible for a lot of the evil which is polluting our world.

And Thank you.
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TimmonaPortella
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As a general rule you should avoid saying anything that could plausibly have been said by Russell Brand.
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Kaiju
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#11
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I feel like a lot of this is psuedo-intellectual stuff that has already been covered by a lot of the more politically charged hiphop artists like Immortal Technique and the like. It's just covering old ground and not really adding anything new - I don't know whether that was intentional or I'm just a hard person to impress, but ye.

I'm not seeing anything special here, sorta thing - it mostly comes across to me like a bunch of ideological cliches in a rhyming pattern. Yeah, it's cohesive and yes there are some decent metaphors/dual meanings, but there's a lot of recycled content here. Again, probably not intentional but that's just my opinion.
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The_Last_Melon
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sounds a bit like a guy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

kind of a bit between rap and poetry

personally i think poetry is better aimed at emotions rather than religion, like tell yourself what you want to express in your poem and then slowly add new things when you think they're good, do research and stuff around your topic too

although i am guilty of this i want to say it: you don't just write what's in your head in poetry, you've got to do a lot of planning and research for it to be good, generally going from your head and refining it is reserved for less serious art like rap
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chazwomaq
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#13
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It may sound better when rapped rather than on the page, where it's a little underwhelming.

There are several typos and funny phrasing - no apostrophe in "Indians"; "It's an inevitability" is simpler as "it's inevitable"; "is comprised of" should be "comprises", for example.

"Young children born to mothers": well a new born child is going to be young isn't it? And who besides it's mother would you expect to give birth to it. :lol:

It also contradicts itself. For example "gave us free will in order to act responsibly"..."an inevitability that these souls grow up to be thugs"..."these children build their own paths". Make up your mind!
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ThePoet
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#14
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(Original post by chazwomaq)
It may sound better when rapped rather than on the page, where it's a little underwhelming.

There are several typos and funny phrasing - no apostrophe in "Indians"; "It's an inevitability" is simpler as "it's inevitable"; "is comprised of" should be "comprises", for example.

"Young children born to mothers": well a new born child is going to be young isn't it? And who besides it's mother would you expect to give birth to it. :lol:

It also contradicts itself. For example "gave us free will in order to act responsibly"..."an inevitability that these souls grow up to be thugs"..."these children build their own paths". Make up your mind!

Cool
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sbj
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The first half of the poem you keep to your rhymes except the second line (which should rhyme to the next line which doesn't end with a "y").
And after the rhymes with "y" ended, your poem becomes chaotic and has no structure anymore. Bad to read.

Content of your poem? Critique on the system is nothing new but you did your job fine.
But I wished at the end of the poem you suprise me with something. Didn't happen, there was no final.
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