Muslims or not (any religion)- grounded advice and thoughts wanted Watch

jebeb101
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I am a 20-something female brought up in a fairly islamic household. When I a teenager, my mother turned strictly to islam. This was followed gradually by my elder sisters, the last a few years ago. They are very happy and at peace with their faith, practice strictly (they all wear hijab etc). I do however notice flaws in their lives. Two of my sisters have no friends. One is married to a muslim man and is so home attached I feel she loves her family more than him and has in some ways just got married as it is the right thing to do, but still runs to my parent’s house whenever possible. My other sister struggles massively with social interaction, she has a very low skilled job and her life seems to be focused around fussing over our brother, and generally just sitting at home. She doesn’t enjoy going out, and she is single at nearly 30. My third sister has recently become a strict muslim, and now her hobbies have subsided and she is so intent on getting married, to any muslim man asap, not someone who she has got to know and love.

I myself do not really practise islam. I believe and follow some of the practises, such as not committing adultery, giving to charity, and I can see the value in some teachings. I do not believe in a completely secular society, where women and men can never mix, where muslims should stay entrenched in sole-muslim communities, where there is a hadith and saying for everything. For example, my sister told me the jinn got in to her house because she was pouring boiling water down the drain. I struggle to believe this and things similar. I’m not saying they are wrong, but that is not something I believe.

I am very educated, ambitious, sociable, independent and analytical. I pride myself on having worked hard, studied at an elite university, actively tried to develop my career and push forwards, work in a moral charity and generally try and be a good person (e.g. I volunteer in conservation work and with children who have learning difficulties). I enjoy these wholesome activities alongside other interests e.g. reading, hiking, socialisin.
I have a long term non-muslim boyfriend who is loving, understanding, hardworking, well educated and committed. I am very much in love with him, and I have not seen this level of love or affection amongst any of my immediate family or relatives.

My question is not only about pursuing my relationship with my boyfriend (we intend to get married next year, which involves coming out to my family). But as I am living my life so ‘wrongly’ my family do not actually know me. They say they love me but I am confident the ‘love’ is based on an idea and the actions they wish for, rather than their actual daughter who is – intellectual, independent, quirky, liberal and talkative, with all her interests and relationships that are not Islamic.

I feel I changed many years ago, and I do not feel confident or willing to try and become something I am not. I truly love and respect my parents and my family. I would truly love to have them in my life. But I do not want a life of being unhappy, or completely changing my personality, interests, relationships and self. To pretend to be someone else to please them. I don’t even know what my life would look like, how I would proceed, what I would do (career, socially, romantically, personally) in that situation.

I am just looking for an objective opinion. I am fully willing to hear and consider if my actions are incorrect, and what tangible happiness could come. Please do not recite prayers or quran sections to me, it is obvious that will not resonate. I am looking for grounded advice on how to proceed in the least painful way. I feel like I have to choose between the person I have become and having any family at all in my life ever again.
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childofthesun
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I can relate to you a lot. But my family aren't overly religious and pious . My parents do all that's required of them as muslims(prayers,hajj,etc) but are still open minded.

You said that you do not really practice Islam,but still believe in some of the practices. Do you class yourself as a muslim though? Do you believe in the words of the Quran as word of God? I think you should establish your beliefs first.

Honestly i know it sounds cliché,but your family,if they truly love you will accept you as you are. Sadly this is not the case for many muslim families. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness and live a life where you're pretending to be someone else.
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shadowdweller
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Moved to Friends, Family and Work
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teenhorrorstory
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Its your life OP!
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Skip_Snip
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Ask yourself this - why are your sisters unhappy with their lives, and what is different in your life to theirs?

Do your family like your boyfriend, and do they know he;s not a muslim? You are who you are, in your own words "intellectual, independent, quirky, liberal and talkative", you'd have to give all of that up to follow an islamic life. Live the life you want
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TheKingOfTSR
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(Original post by jebeb101)
such as not committing adultery*,
*fornication - (you aren't yet married)

I do not believe in a completely secular society, where women and men can never mix, where muslims should stay entrenched in sole-muslim communities, where there is a hadith and saying for everything.
Meaning of Secular: Not connected with religious or spiritual matters

My question is not only about pursuing my relationship with my boyfriend (we intend to get married next year, which involves coming out to my family).
I don't have any advice to give you, just those two corrections.

But out of curiosity I wanna ask: Is your boy friend a Muslim?
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TheKingOfTSR
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Anyway

You got yourself into this mess...and now you want advice. Hmm.

Firstly ask yourself whether you truly believe in Islam? Do you truly believe that you will be resurrected after death and then you will face your maker in the last day?

If your answer is yes, then ask yourself what's more important....paradise, pleasing-God or your boyfriend. Make your choice. If you choose bf then I pray good luck in coming out to your parents. If you choose God then indeed God will help you towards Islam. Give up your bf and I guarantee you Paradise, God willingly because God has said in the Quran:
And those who strive for Us - We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good.

But if your answer is no to the first question then I pray for your guidance and wish you Good-luck in what ever comes next and for your future.

*Sorry for the Quran verse but this is meant for the religion forum -.-
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childofthesun
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(Original post by TheKingOfTSR)
*fornication - (you aren't yet married)



Meaning of Secular: Not connected with religious or spiritual matters



I don't have any advice to give you, just those two corrections.

But out of curiosity I wanna ask: Is your boy friend a Muslim?
She said he isn't
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zxraaaa
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(Original post by TheKingOfTSR)
Erm. I think OP is female and she has a boy friend Posted from TSR Mobile
Omg nahhhhhhI was so getting in my feelings on that one. Awkwarddddddd
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TheKingOfTSR
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(Original post by itsRochana)
She said he isn't
I see the problem

I guess she has to ask herself whether she truly believes that Muhammed is the messenger of God and then go on from there. Personally I think it would be great if they just break up..she wouldn't need to come out to her family but then again that isn't likely. :dontknow:.

There's a reason why Allah commanded the hijab and restricted free mixing and stuff...these sorts of things wouldn't have occurred if proper Islamic principles were followers. But what's happened happened..

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childofthesun
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(Original post by TheKingOfTSR)
I see the problem

I guess she has to ask herself whether she truly believes that Muhammed is the messenger of God and then go on from there. Personally I think it would be great if they just break up..she wouldn't need to come out to her family but then again that isn't likely. :dontknow:.

There's a reason why Allah commanded the hijab and restricted free mixing and stuff...these sorts of things wouldn't have occurred if proper Islamic principles were followers. But what's happened happened..

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Lol,I can relate with OP a lot actually
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TheKingOfTSR
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(Original post by itsRochana)
Lol,I can relate with OP a lot actually
Oh well :facepalm:
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عز و جل
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(Original post by itsRochana)
Lol,I can relate with OP a lot actually
Why does it feel like you're saying this with pride?

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Skip_Snip
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(Original post by عز و جل)
Why does it feel like you're saying this with pride?

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Why should it not?
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StyleIcon
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(Original post by jebeb101)
I am a 20-something female brought up in a fairly islamic household. When I a teenager, my mother turned strictly to islam. This was followed gradually by my elder sisters, the last a few years ago. They are very happy and at peace with their faith, practice strictly (they all wear hijab etc). I do however notice flaws in their lives. Two of my sisters have no friends. One is married to a muslim man and is so home attached I feel she loves her family more than him and has in some ways just got married as it is the right thing to do, but still runs to my parent’s house whenever possible. My other sister struggles massively with social interaction, she has a very low skilled job and her life seems to be focused around fussing over our brother, and generally just sitting at home. She doesn’t enjoy going out, and she is single at nearly 30. My third sister has recently become a strict muslim, and now her hobbies have subsided and she is so intent on getting married, to any muslim man asap, not someone who she has got to know and love.

I myself do not really practise islam. I believe and follow some of the practises, such as not committing adultery, giving to charity, and I can see the value in some teachings. I do not believe in a completely secular society, where women and men can never mix, where muslims should stay entrenched in sole-muslim communities, where there is a hadith and saying for everything. For example, my sister told me the jinn got in to her house because she was pouring boiling water down the drain. I struggle to believe this and things similar. I’m not saying they are wrong, but that is not something I believe.

I am very educated, ambitious, sociable, independent and analytical. I pride myself on having worked hard, studied at an elite university, actively tried to develop my career and push forwards, work in a moral charity and generally try and be a good person (e.g. I volunteer in conservation work and with children who have learning difficulties). I enjoy these wholesome activities alongside other interests e.g. reading, hiking, socialisin.
I have a long term non-muslim boyfriend who is loving, understanding, hardworking, well educated and committed. I am very much in love with him, and I have not seen this level of love or affection amongst any of my immediate family or relatives.

My question is not only about pursuing my relationship with my boyfriend (we intend to get married next year, which involves coming out to my family). But as I am living my life so ‘wrongly’ my family do not actually know me. They say they love me but I am confident the ‘love’ is based on an idea and the actions they wish for, rather than their actual daughter who is – intellectual, independent, quirky, liberal and talkative, with all her interests and relationships that are not Islamic.

I feel I changed many years ago, and I do not feel confident or willing to try and become something I am not. I truly love and respect my parents and my family. I would truly love to have them in my life. But I do not want a life of being unhappy, or completely changing my personality, interests, relationships and self. To pretend to be someone else to please them. I don’t even know what my life would look like, how I would proceed, what I would do (career, socially, romantically, personally) in that situation.

I am just looking for an objective opinion. I am fully willing to hear and consider if my actions are incorrect, and what tangible happiness could come. Please do not recite prayers or quran sections to me, it is obvious that will not resonate. I am looking for grounded advice on how to proceed in the least painful way. I feel like I have to choose between the person I have become and having any family at all in my life ever again.
I don't understand why you think just because your sisters practice Islam they are unhappy! I used to be like you but trust me once I practised Islam properly I feel much better! I could not ask for any other way to live my life! Allah has a reason for everything that he has forbidden.

Allah or some boy? You choose

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childofthesun
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(Original post by عز و جل)
Why does it feel like you're saying this with pride?

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Lol no. KingOfTSR was saying something about consequences of not following Islamic teachings,and i wanted to let him know I wasn't really in a place to agree with him since i could relate to the OP
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Skip_Snip
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(Original post by StyleIcon)
I don't understand why you think just because your sisters practice Islam they are unhappy! I used to be like you but trust me once I practised Islam properly I feel much better! I could not ask for any other way to live my life! Allah has a reason for everything that he has forbidden.

Allah or some boy? You choose

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OP, ignore this, don't lobotomise yourself and throw away everything you love for an imaginary friend
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teenhorrorstory
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(Original post by StyleIcon)
I don't understand why you think just because your sisters practice Islam they are unhappy! I used to be like you but trust me once I practised Islam properly I feel much better! I could not ask for any other way to live my life! Allah has a reason for everything that he has forbidden.

Allah or some boy? You choose

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I don't think OP believes in Allah. And it isn't just a matter of 'Allah' or some boy. It's about her being able to express her individuality and do what makes her happy,vs being pressured into a lifestyle that just isn't her.
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nimrodstower
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I cannot believe the mods moved this from religion, this is a matter of religion, when one considers the grotesque things done to women in this country, because of religion, just because they want to live their own life, it is a shocking decision. This is not a consideration for the "Corrie watching mob", it is a consideration for those who discuss religion.

Right that's the rant over.

I understand it is hard to move from ones family, hopefully that wont happen, as they will back you up, but it is better to stick to your personal choices over the wishes of any other.
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Ankabout
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(Original post by jebeb101)
x
I think you're gonna eventually have to make a choice; your family or your boyfriend.
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