This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

Disabled relative

Hi, I have a brother who has some kind of disability. No one can give an exact diagnosis, it is one of those 'syndromes without a name' but he has autistic like social skills, incredibly bad memory, a mental age of about 7 or 8 (he is 17) and great problems with understanding language (the language processing part of his brain doesn't work properly.) All these things combined mean that he is totally unemployable and will never be able to get a girlfriend/family of his own. My family and I are not giving up and I am sure we will find something for him to do one day. Our plan is that maybe by the time he is 30 he will be aware enough to be able to cope in some kind of sheltered accommodation (at the moment he couldn't even do that because he would probably leave the cooker on or something and burn the house down). But I feel really like I wish I could do something to help him and I can't, it's getting me down. He is also quite violent at times because he gets so frustrated at not being able to understand everything that's going on, in the past he has broken my mum's nose and threatened to beat up my dad. I am quite scared because my parents are getting older and more frail, if my brother did something violent again then I dread to think what might happen.
The saddest thing about this situation is that unlike some conditions like proper autism where the individual has problems coping in the outside world but doesn't care, my brother is aware of his situation and it saddens him. My parents don't know that I know this but I was in my brother's room and I found a note he was writing about how much he hates his life and would do anything to be allowed to die. He won't actually attempt suicide because he knows that suicide is a sin and he would not go to heaven but he is desperately unhappy and hates his life. He is coming up to the age of 18 and of course he sees me (his only older sibling, I am 19) going out with my mates and drinking alcohol and stuff like that but he will never be able to do that (who knows what alcohol would do to him?) He will never be able to drive because of his memory problems and language processing problems and we couldn't let him go out to a pub or club by himself (remember what I said about his low mental age?) he would also probably get into a fight or something. I therefore get the feeling that we are approaching a difficult era because until now we have been able to say to him: "You can't do that until you're 18" about anything unsuitable he wanted to do. Is there anyone else out there with a similar family situation? How do you deal with it and are there any support groups out there that my family could get involved with? I'm sorry if I sound like a moaner, but I have NEVER told anyone outside my immediate family about this problem, even my aunts and uncles don't know about my brother because my parents don't want anyone to know. i just want to get this off my chest and I'll appreciate any replies.

Reply 1

vixky!

13

Sorry, I can't really help here because I've not been in this situation but all I can say is I'm sorry to hear that and PM me or anything if you ever need to chat... maybe your doctor could put you in touch with an organisation or support group or something? Or maybe check out the National Autism Society, even if you don't know exactly what condition your brother has, there might be someone there to help you? I really don't know, sorry if that wasn't any help. :frown:

Reply 2

LadyEnglish

2

Wow. All I can say is whenever I've come across families like your own, they all say 17-26 are some of the hardest years, especially for a male because they are old enough to do all the things healthy people can do and feel very restricted and self loathing. You just need to help him through it because it will be a difficult time. Really not sure what to say, very sorry though, I have a lot of respect for families with disabled children and especially the siblings who cope well with their disabled sibling. Good luck with everything xxx

Reply 3

afcwill

11

You are an inspiration, mate. You said that your brother has autistic patterns in his behaviour, here is the autistic societies website:

http://www.nas.org.uk/

I hope that helps, it really encourages me seeing people like you trying hard to find help for other people, its obvious that you love your family dearly. Best wishes mate.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I'll check out those sites and I do feel a lot better to have shared my worries with some other people. Thank you :smile:

Reply 5

CJ

TSR Group Staff

21

i'm sorry to hear about your problem and can only wish you all the best in the future for you and your brother.
It really puts stupid little problems between me and my brother in perspective

Don't let it wreck you, all the best

Reply 6

afcwill

11

Anonymous

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I'll check out those sites and I do feel a lot better to have shared my worries with some other people. Thank you :smile:

I dont have any experience of even knowing any disabled people but if you ever want to talk or need advice, im sure i can point you in the right direction.

Reply 7

OC_girl

There are organisations who run houses for people with problems of this kind. These can be individual flats for the more able 'service users' who receive the assistance of carers/support workers throughout the day, or shared houses with 24 hour care/support.

I work as a support worker during university holidays so i go to such places. They are just like the houses you or i would live in and the S.Us are encouraged to be as independent as possible, but there is always a member of staff there to dispense medication/in case of emergency etc.

Usually government benefits help pay for the individual's rent in such a house.

Reply 8

NickiM

14

I can't really help, but if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, just PM me. I think if both yourself, your family and your brother could get support then that might help :smile:

All the best xx

Reply 9

OC_girl

Here are some links relating to my last post. These are all companies i have worked for as part of my work for a health care agency and i have high regard for them.

http://www.choicesupport.org.uk/

http://www.unitedresponse.org.uk/

http://www.mencap.org.uk/

http://www.nlccs.co.uk/family.html

http://wilfward.org.uk/

I have worked in houses run by the above companies/charities and they are amazing- beautiful homes (often brand new Baratt etc homes) with really amazing staff who don't patronize the residents and the residents are housed together with thought. One house i worked at had 4 teenage boys (they all had quite young mental ages but because they were living together they didn't feel inferior) and they have such a laugh together watching DVDs playing football, all the things normal teenagers do.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks OC girl, those sites are really great-I looked at them this morning. Next time my mum is worried about my brother's future then I'll show her that list. Can you tell me how to give rep anonymously? You deserve some!

Reply 11

OC_girl

I know it sounds daunting to think of your brother maybe ending up in a home, but i can't stress enough how nice these places are and how they're basically no different from our own houses except staff visit. A lot of my colleagues were young men who enjoyed taking the serivce users to football matches and the cinema etc so there's a really friendly relationship created between staff and residents.

(I don't think rep can be given anonymously, but don't worry i respect that you want to keep your identity secret)

If you have any other questions i'd be happy to help. I hope you've a little more peace of mind.

Reply 12

afcwill

11

OC_girl

I know it sounds daunting to think of your brother maybe ending up in a home, but i can't stress enough how nice these places are and how they're basically no different from our own houses except staff visit. A lot of my colleagues were young men who enjoyed taking the serivce users to football matches and the cinema etc so there's a really friendly relationship created between staff and residents.

(I don't think rep can be given anonymously, but don't worry i respect that you want to keep your identity secret)

If you have any other questions i'd be happy to help. I hope you've a little more peace of mind.

I think you can give rep anonymously. I think that when you give rep you put your message but dont put your username afterwards, when people have given me rep sometimes i dont know wh they are because in the message given with the rep, they dont put their username.

Reply 13

OC_girl

afcwill

I think you can give rep anonymously. I think that when you give rep you put your message but dont put your username afterwards, when people have given me rep sometimes i dont know wh they are because in the message given with the rep, they dont put their username.

Yeah that's true actually and i did know that, don't know what i was talking about. lol. it's been a long day. (oh wait, it's only 11:47am!!)

Reply 14

afcwill

11

OC_girl

Yeah that's true actually and i did know that, don't know what i was talking about. lol. it's been a long day. (oh wait, it's only 11:47am!!)

So rep should be coming your way then! from the anonymous user. I must say you gave some great advice OC girl and obviously your avatar pic looks great!, I love the OC.

Disabled relative

Related discussions

Articles for you