I don't belong anywhere.

I had a very happy home life with my parents and i love them very much. When i went away to univeristy a few years ago i was so homesick for the first term but soon settled in.

I have recently returned to university for my PhD after a gap year living at home with my parents. I feel incredibly apprehensive to be here (4 hours away from home) and perhaps a little out my depth as most of the other PhD students are a little older than i am.

I don't feel as though i belong here despite having made quite a few friends. I am in love with a man back home but for various reasons i cannot be with him. I miss him terribly but i don't feel as though i can quit uni and move back home. My parents would be disappointed in me and i am 22 so perhaps too old to be living at home, and i don't have a career back-up plan as i had always thought i would complete my PhD.

I am starting to feel really trapped and desperate and thinking fairly extreme thoughts as i don't feel as though there's anywhere for me to turn.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

Some advice/reassurance please. I don't know where to turn.

Reply 2

LadyEnglish

2

Could you reapply to a uni a little closer to home perhaps?! x

Reply 3

JimmyJ

You'll survive.

You made it through your under-grad stage, so cant see how this is any different.

Besides, there's worse things to be worrying about.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

LadyEnglish

Could you reapply to a uni a little closer to home perhaps?! x

There's nowhere terribly close that does the PhD that i am studying so if i want to carry on with it i pretty much need to stay here. Also, even leaving and relocating next year would be looked upon as a slight failure by my family.

Thanks for responding though

Reply 5

JimmyJ

You're 22.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Yes, i am aware of that.

Reply 7

JimmyJ

You managed to be away for 3 years yeh?

Reply 8

Ash McD

Hi

.

Just wanted to say hello there, and offer some sympathy.

I can't really say I know what you're going through, except for the relationship bit, I know how hard that is.

Just wanted to say don't give up, the only way you meet new friends is by getting out there and doing things, I'm sure that will be the case and you'll find your place soon enough.

I'm Ash by the way, nice to "meet" you :smile:

.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Ash McD

Hi

.

Just wanted to say hello there, and offer some sympathy.

I can't really say I know what you're going through, except for the relationship bit, I know how hard that is.

Just wanted to say don't give up, the only way you meet new friends is by getting out there and doing things, I'm sure that will be the case and you'll find your place soon enough.

I'm Ash by the way, nice to "meet" you :smile:

.

Hello Ash

My problem isn't so much about making friends as i have made quite a few so far at uni, i just feel... weird.
Basically a PhD takes 3 years so i'll be finished in 2009, but some how i just can't imagine it happening. I can't imagine getting through 3 years here... but i can't go home and i don't know what else to do with my life :frown:

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

JimmyJ

You managed to be away for 3 years yeh?

Yes, i went to uni at 18 for 3 years. Then i moved back home to my parents for a year. Now i am away for a further 3 years for PhD.

Reply 11

JimmyJ

Thanks for replying to my question.

Anyway, if you don't feel like doing your PhD, don't.

You're young and you have the rest of your life to do it.

Take a break from it.

Reply 12

Overmars

17

JimmyJ

Thanks for replying to my question.

Anyway, if you don't feel like doing your PhD, don't.

You're young and you have the rest of your life to do it.

Take a break from it.

Good posting.

Reply 13

Ash McD

Anonymous

Hello Ash

My problem isn't so much about making friends as i have made quite a few so far at uni, i just feel... weird.
Basically a PhD takes 3 years so i'll be finished in 2009, but some how i just can't imagine it happening. I can't imagine getting through 3 years here... but i can't go home and i don't know what else to do with my life :frown:

I'm 22 as well, I also have no idea what I want to do with my life, well, not after 2012 anyway!

Did you do this then because you don't really know what to do? There's nothing wrong with that in its self, but then there's nothing wrong with taking a step back and evaluating what it actually is that you want to do.

If you feel like a PhD isn't for you, then maybe it might be worth going into work for a little while, if I were an employer and someone had the sense to say to me "I went to do the PhD, I didn't feel it was quite what I wanted so I decided to move into work" I'd be impressed with that ability to evaluate their own situation and to be brave enough to do what made them happy.

I guess it all boils down to what you want, it seems that you don't think this is what you want though, so perhaps you could give it a little while longer and see how you feel, and if you just don't feel like you can do it anymore, go away on your own for a bit and try and figure out what you fancy doing.

Do you have no idea what kind of career you might want?

Reply 14

JimmyJ

Synergetic

Good posting.

Thanks Syn.

:wink:

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

I hope to be a lecturer at a university (eventually) so having a PhD would be advantageous. The thing is though i don't feel as though i could go home, if i did i think i would be plunged into a depression of 'what if' and i would probably end up having to take a job unrelated to my undergrad degree as most of my friends have ie jobs in offices, supermarkets etc. Although there's nothing at all wrong with such jobs, i don't feel as though they're for me I feel as though i am destined to become an academic so i am surprised to find myself feeling so thoroughly trapped and lost here. I am in a highly-competitive subject area where there are about 8 people accepted onto the PhD out of about 50 applications each year. I shouldn't waste my chance. I have been allowed into study meaning someone else lost out so to waste my chance would be unfair. but why do i feel so trapped and scared.

Reply 16

LadyEnglish

2

Anonymous

There's nowhere terribly close that does the PhD that i am studying so if i want to carry on with it i pretty much need to stay here. Also, even leaving and relocating next year would be looked upon as a slight failure by my family.

Thanks for responding though

Hard as it is a lot of the time, maybe you need to be more concerned about yourself and your future. Your family would probably support you whatever you did, even if they are a little disappointed at first. It's your life! x

Reply 17

Ash McD

We're 22, I just think the prospect of the future is scary, but I'm very excited to see where it takes me.

There's nothing wrong with wanted to spend your life in academia, but I guess you have to ask if it's really what you want if the prospect of a further three years study is so scary to you?

Do you think perhaps just the magnitude of it all could be the scary thing? I guess the thing is to tell your self what your aim is, what are you working towards/for?

Think of that aim and go for it.

Good luck! :smile:

Reply 18

LadyEnglish

2

Anonymous

I hope to be a lecturer at a university (eventually) so having a PhD would be advantageous.

Oooh me to :biggrin:

In English. What are you studying a PhD in?! x

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

OP

LadyEnglish

Hard as it is a lot of the time, maybe you need to be more concerned about yourself and your future. Your family would probably support you whatever you did, even if they are a little disappointed at first. It's your life! x

i think that's the root of my problem but i always do what other people want of me. I suffer my own unhappiness to make others happy. I said to my parents before i went away that even if i hated the university and the course and the people then i still wouldn't drop out as i would feel like a failure and would constantly hate myself for it and for letting them down.

I don't belong anywhere.

Related discussions

Articles for you