Is depression my fault? I can't handle A-Level with depression.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#1
Currently I am 18 years old and I am in A2 - I retook AS again because I got poor grades the first time (D's and below)

On my first year AS retake I ended up with B/C/E (decided to do 3 subjects not 4)

and now my A2 exams (+ retakes) are coming up this Jan (I am studying internationally) and I have 6 weeks and 5 exams in total and I haven't studied for any of them.

The past 2 months I have spent just wasting time. I made a timetable but didn't follow it through. Gaming, Music etc..

I have been depressed for many years now but I have never felt it "isn't my fault" - I have always felt it IS my fault - I feel I waste my time and then I end up regretting it and that it's MY fault for feeling depressed because I waste my time and waste my life and I am a failure.

Is depression really a mental illness I can't help? It seems to me like I brought this on myself.

I am surrounded by plenty of people (friends, family etc..) but I am so lonely. Nobody understands me. I guess this is why I am here posting about this because I have almost nobody to turn to and this is just my way to vent out my emotion.
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Kabloomybuzz
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No, it isn't your fault, any more than getting a cold is your fault, its either to do with brain chemistry, or some trigger that was outside of your control. Feeling the way you do about it is not uncommon with the thought processes and feelings that come with depression. It distorts your thinking and it isolates you. Even if you're surrounded by people, not feeling able to express how you're really feeling is isolating and makes you feel lonely. There is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Depression is a self feeding illness, it makes you feel like doing the things that will just help it continue (self isolation, little motivation, thoughts and feelings of guilt etc)

There are things you can do to help yourself and one of the best things you can do is to stop hiding it. Talk to people about how you're feeling. Your college/6th form probably has a counselling service you can access and almost certainly an additional support department or pastoral care staff who you can talk to about how your problems are affecting your studies. There is help available.

The other thing I would encourage you to do is see your GP. They can offer help in the form of medication and/or referral to mental health services.

Its not your fault that you have depression, but it is up to you to take action to help yourself fight and recover from it. Just as you have to look after yourself in the right way and get the right treatment to recover from a physical illnes, the same applies to mental illnesses.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
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I am embarrassed about having depression I can't let people know my weakness. I can't let people know about how I feel. I have very few people I can open up to I am scarred to get professional help and let my GP know I have depression I don't even know him/her as a person I don't feel like I can open up to him/her because she/he doesn't even know me!

Also what can my GP do to stop how I feel? I have read that most people who take anti-depressants don't get better. Every single thing my GP would suggest I would have thought of or tried. Exercise. Hobby. Anything. I just can't get around this feeling of.. this feeling like I am self-destructing everyday.. this feeling that I am a failure and that I have something enormous burdening me but in reality I have nothing to complain about. I have food on the table and shelter so why the hell am I crying about my life?
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Kabloomybuzz
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am embarrassed about having depression I can't let people know my weakness. I can't let people know about how I feel. I have very few people I can open up to I am scarred to get professional help and let my GP know I have depression I don't even know him/her as a person I don't feel like I can open up to him/her because she/he doesn't even know me!

Also what can my GP do to stop how I feel? I have read that most people who take anti-depressants don't get better. Every single thing my GP would suggest I would have thought of or tried. Exercise. Hobby. Anything. I just can't get around this feeling of.. this feeling like I am self-destructing everyday.. this feeling that I am a failure and that I have something enormous burdening me but in reality I have nothing to complain about. I have food on the table and shelter so why the hell am I crying about my life?
Often, with depression, the thing that seems the scariest or hardest is the very thing that will help. Its up to you to find the courage to ask for help and start talking to people. Its nothing to be embarrassed about and it isn't your fault. This is your depression talking. Its not factual and its not logical.

Your GP can refer you to counselling or mental health services and/or prescribe medication. Medication does help for an awful lot of people. It doesn't completely take away the depression, but lifts your mood enough to enable you to deal with sorting yourself out better. As with any medication, it can take a bit of trial and error to find what helps you.
What you've read scientifically isn't true, though the very best treatment for depression is a combination of medication and therapy.

As I said before, its not your fault you have depression, but it is your responsibility to seek treatment if the general things like throwing yourself into hobbies and excercise haven't helped. It isn't going to get any better by you wallowing in your depression alone. I know its not nice to hear, but if you're struggling, ask for help.

If a friend came to you saying they were feeling like this, what would you say to them? What advice would you give? Can you apply that to yourself?
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tinyflame
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Currently I am 18 years old and I am in A2 - I retook AS again because I got poor grades the first time (D's and below)

On my first year AS retake I ended up with B/C/E (decided to do 3 subjects not 4)

and now my A2 exams (+ retakes) are coming up this Jan (I am studying internationally) and I have 6 weeks and 5 exams in total and I haven't studied for any of them.

The past 2 months I have spent just wasting time. I made a timetable but didn't follow it through. Gaming, Music etc..

I have been depressed for many years now but I have never felt it "isn't my fault" - I have always felt it IS my fault - I feel I waste my time and then I end up regretting it and that it's MY fault for feeling depressed because I waste my time and waste my life and I am a failure.

Is depression really a mental illness I can't help? It seems to me like I brought this on myself.

I am surrounded by plenty of people (friends, family etc..) but I am so lonely. Nobody understands me. I guess this is why I am here posting about this because I have almost nobody to turn to and this is just my way to vent out my emotion.
Hi,

I was in the exact situation as you a couple of years ago during my A levels.

You blame yourself for your depression, and this only adds to it and makes it worse.
It's alright to be fed up and angry, these are your feelings. It's not "selfish" and it's certainly not selfish to suffer from depression, no matter what other people say.

I would say focus on how you're feeling, and try to understand why you're depressed. This imo, is the only way out of your depression. As anything else, from my experience, is a temporary solution.

You're depressed for a reason, and you have to find it out. That's why you're depression keeps coming back, because you haven't come to the root cause of it.

I definitely can relate to feeling lonely, even though if I was surrounded with friends and family. In my opinion, this loneliness is not because of lack of friends or company, but because you're alienated from yourself.

The best way I could help you is by giving you what I did myself when I was terribly suffering from depression.

I would introduce you to the psychologist Alice Miller.
You don't necessarily need to buy her books or anything, but her website has plenty of articles and readers mail if you're interested.

I am only recommending Alice Miller, because she was the only psychologist with an idea that actually worked for me.

In my opinion, taking anti-depressants, or sometimes even some forms of therapy, addiction etc. Will only serve to further alienate yourself from your feelings.

In my opinion your depression is there because you have a lot of pent up feelings that you are not able to admit to yourself at the moment, but it's alright, you should do this at your own pace whenever you feel comfortable doing it.

But what is more important, I can gladly listen more to what is bothering you at the moment. I won't preach anything to you or tell you to this or that (except for what I recommended above of course), I will just listen to your story, and help you understand it and get closer to it.

If you're worried about privacy, you can just PM me.

But I am more than glad to help.
Trust me I was in about the same position as you, was depressed during my A levels, and failed them twice. I finally had to admit to myself what I was avoiding, and then finally found what the problem was.

Anyways, here is Alice Miller's website if you're curious.
I will direct you the page where she has an article about the causes of depression, so you can read into it straightaway if you needed.

http://www.alice-miller.com/articles...&nid=55&grp=11
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 6 years ago
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Thank you guys I didn't think so when I started this thread but I feel like this is helping me
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tinyflame
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am embarrassed about having depression I can't let people know my weakness. I can't let people know about how I feel. I have very few people I can open up to I am scarred to get professional help and let my GP know I have depression I don't even know him/her as a person I don't feel like I can open up to him/her because she/he doesn't even know me!

Also what can my GP do to stop how I feel? I have read that most people who take anti-depressants don't get better. Every single thing my GP would suggest I would have thought of or tried. Exercise. Hobby. Anything. I just can't get around this feeling of.. this feeling like I am self-destructing everyday.. this feeling that I am a failure and that I have something enormous burdening me but in reality I have nothing to complain about. I have food on the table and shelter so why the hell am I crying about my life?
Exactly,

You feel like there are very few people who you can open up to about what you're feeling, and this is one of the main problems why your depression is just reinforced.

Not only are you alienated from your own feelings, but you have almost no one to share them with.
In this case I would recommend you to try to talk about them anonymously, or I would advise you to try to look at what exactly it is you're feeling behind your depression?

Of course if you really need to you can go to the GP, take anti-depressants, exercise etc. But in my opinion this won't make you understand why you're depressed, and this will make you dependent on these things to cope with your depression. Which just adds to the burden of it.

I can only say that if I were in your position now, I would try to find someone (or somewhere), just a space, where you can explore these feelings behind your depression. If you don't feel ready for that.

Then I would highly recommend you to check out Alice Miller, as I have showed you earlier. Because she focuses heavily on this topic.
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