I'm failing miserably in all aspects of life... not sure if it's worth trying anymore Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
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Hi guys. I don't usually talk about personal matters on TSR but I just felt like getting this off my chest. I'm not sure where to start really. I've ended up on the scrapheap and I feel like I'm not going to be able to escape it. I'm 23 and I've never had a job or even been for an interview. My lack of skills, experience or relevant qualifications effectively render me unemployable. I'm also still living at home in an emotionally abusive environment. My mum hasn't worked for over 15 years and lives on benefits. My dad works, but he's a chauvinist, racist and a flat-track bully, so I don't respect him at all. In the area that I'm in, I'm certainly not in unfamiliar company in being out of work, though I'm not proud of that at all. When I checked recently, the percentage of unemployed working-age adults in the city was over 30%, one of the highest levels in the UK. The prevailing mentality amongst people in the local area is that "no one around here works". The majority of people seem happy to hitch a ride on the benefits gravy train, with no intention of ever stepping off it and actually contributing to society.

I've basically fallen into the trap. I suppose you could say I'm a product of broken Britain which occasionally gets denounced in the media. It's not just that I'm a neet with no future prospects though. Looking at the indicators that define a person's success in life, I'm failing spectacularly in all of them. I have no friends or acquaintances except for two people I talk to online occasionally. The loneliness can be really depressing. I assume that most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me who's going absolutely nowhere in life. Being successful gets you social capital. It's magnetic. It attracts people. Failure does the opposite. It's repellent. I'm also quite socially inept in general, and I'm particularly clueless about how to deal with people in professional contexts. I basically have no idea how to present myself to people and I'm terrible at bigging myself up to strangers, like you're expected to do in interviews.

Also, I have two cousins who went to a private school, not because they were especially gifted or talented, but because their parents could afford to send them there. Like most people who went to private schools, they are now thriving and excelling in all aspects of life. They used to look down on me when I was younger because I was in a state school. I consider going to private school to be the closest thing a person can get to a cast-iron guarantee of success in today's Britain. They effectively serve as production lines for successful people. That I didn't go to one is probably the biggest regret of my life so far.

I have no concept of what it feels like to be wanted, needed or valued, and I haven't for a long time. I also feel like the closest I'll get to experiencing success is by vicariously finding out from other people what it feels like. I hate living like this. I've been wondering if this a situation where a person has to accept they just aren't made for life and should act accordingly. The thought of suicide scares me so much though.
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helpwanted
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Hi, Life can be tough at all stages, whether at home, school, uni, work or family.

There is no magic formula to making it work, we all just bumble our way through every day.

If you can write as you have on a public forum, i would disagree that you are incapable of social connection - i have responded !

I am no expert in life skills so please take no insult from my reply, but just want you to know that we can all find our place in the busy world that goes on around us.

If you want to reply please feel free to do so.

In the meantime keep offloading - works for me, i'm just lucky enough to have a good friend who shares the bad stuff but equally too all the good times.
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tinyflame
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(Original post by Anonymous)

I've basically fallen into the trap. I suppose you could say I'm a product of broken Britain which occasionally gets denounced in the media. It's not just that I'm a neet with no future prospects though. Looking at the indicators that define a person's success in life, I'm failing spectacularly in all of them. I have no friends or acquaintances except for two people I talk to online occasionally. The loneliness can be really depressing. I assume that most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me who's going absolutely nowhere in life. Being successful gets you social capital. It's magnetic. It attracts people. Failure does the opposite. It's repellent. I'm also quite socially inept in general, and I'm particularly clueless about how to deal with people in professional contexts. I basically have no idea how to present myself to people and I'm terrible at bigging myself up to strangers, like you're expected to do in interviews.
Mmm, I can definitely see why you feel so miserable.
But I think you're punishing yourself by thinking that you have to live up to these "expectations"?
Why do you have to be successful, for who's sake?
Just because you study x at y university does not mean that your emotions will be automatically sorted out for you.
There are loads of successful, well accomplished people, with high paying jobs and everything they want, but yet emotionally they are still unhappy.

And I think that regardless of what success you achieve in life, if you're not happy emotionally, it won't matter anyway.
I think that this is the root of your problem, you're unhappy emotionally.

And it's very good that you have opened up about this, because if you didn't you woulld only isolate yourself and distance yourself further from these emotions.

My advise would be to continue talking about these emotions as long as you like, try to find someone who wouldn't mind listening to your problems. I am there if you want to, of course you could try a counsellor or something too.

But I think that the best way I could help you is direct you to Alice Miller's article about depression, which helped me tremendously. I mean at least give it a try if you're interested. Also don't worry, it's not full of psycho babble and jargon.

It explains for example, why even the most successful movie stars committed suicide, what depression is, and the root of depression. You won't have to agree with what's written in the article, but that's okay. What's more important is that you try to at least stop this isolation and "self punishment" you're inflicting on yourself.
And the best way to do that is to try to be aware of you're emotions, but it's harder to do this if you're isolated, hence why I recommend you to talk about them with someone else.

I have no concept of what it feels like to be wanted, needed or valued, and I haven't for a long time. I also feel like the closest I'll get to experiencing success is by vicariously finding out from other people what it feels like. I hate living like this. I've been wondering if this a situation where a person has to accept they just aren't made for life and should act accordingly. The thought of suicide scares me so much though
Trust me even if you went to a private school, got all the success and money you wanted, but in the end still are emotionally dissatisfied and depressed, how "worth it" is then really? I understand that you need to feel valued, respected and needed, but you simply can't depend on other people to give this to you. The best way to get these things, is to learn how to give them to yourself, and again, this can only be done on an emotional level. Whatever you do in life dude, make sure you're happy and content emotionally at all times. I used to have this mentality too...
I used to think that I should study as hard as possible to get into the hardest degree, to enjoy better "job prospects". But look at me now, I failed twice, and have terrible A levels. Why? Because all that time in during my A levels, I ignored why I was depressed and unhappy and just suffered through.

It was only when I started to question myself, my unhappiness and my depression, that I finally started to notice the much healthier change in mentality I needed. I'm not saying that it's your fault your depressed because you have the "wrong mentality", but what I mean is that eventually, you will have to find a way to make yourself happier.

I'm not sure where to start really. I've ended up on the scrapheap and I feel like I'm not going to be able to escape it. I'm 23 and I've never had a job or even been for an interview. My lack of skills, experience or relevant qualifications effectively render me unemployable. I'm also still living at home in an emotionally abusive environment. My mum hasn't worked for over 15 years and lives on benefits. My dad works, but he's a chauvinist, racist and a flat-track bully, so I don't respect him at all. In the area that I'm in, I'm certainly not in unfamiliar company in being out of work, though I'm not proud of that at all. When I checked recently, the percentage of unemployed working-age adults in the city was over 30%, one of the highest levels in the UK. The prevailing mentality amongst people in the local area is that "no one around here works".]
You can always try to volunteer to get work experience. Or try to save up money to get more qualifications,and then maybe a foundation year later to get into university. There are people from a range of ages that go to university, you don't have to go when you're young.

Also if you're parents are bothering you, it's not "selfish" to hate your parents for it. It's actually selfish of them to be so abusive to you. I'm not saying that you should purposefully hate your parents, but just admit to yourself how you really feel towards them.

Anyways, I hate if I come across as "preachy", as that's the last thing I would want to do!
Like I said, you need someone to listen to you and take you serious, so try to find someone like this.
Other than that, if you're interested, Alice Miller was of tremendous help to me personally.

Here's her article about depression if you're interested:
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?nid=55

EDIT: Also life is not a competition man. Were not born to become so called "successful" people. Were born to LIVE our lives, and how you live your life is up to YOU. Also if you decide to read that article, I would advise you to scroll down a bit, since the beginning is a bit confusing imo.
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Eva.Gregoria
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Looking at what you've typed on here, you sound more educated and knowledgeable than you think. Even the ability to find statistics on your town, quote and use it within context is a skill not everyone posesses. I know people from private schools who have far worse grammar and spelling than you do.

It's difficult when you feel bogged down with the negativity of your environment and if no one around you works, you're almost expected not to and that's very damaging. It definitely isn't the end of the road for you, you have plenty of time to turn your life around. Maybe consider doing something voluntary in the meantime? That way you won't need to do a formal interview and they'll be able to see how good you are, through the work you produce.

Good luck!

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